Questions Regarding Adoption/fertility

I have not personally experienced what you are going through, but I have had my share of intrusive questions. In my experience, either no response or changing the subject works, or just telling the person that you are not comfortable talking about their questions.

We domestically adopted our son in November 2004. I fortunately have only one or two rude comments and very few unusual comments. One reason I think that is, is because I am very willing to discuss the ins and outs of fertility (not getting to personal) and the choice to adopt. I find it a fascinating issue and love to discuss and help people become more educated about adoption. Most people I meet have a fear around the adoption process, thinking that it is one big horror story based on what they have seen on television. And people say very stupid things when they are in a uncomfortable situation. They don't know how to say things the right way. Another thing I have noticed though, my son is caucasian whereas a friend of mine adopted a latino child. She has gotten quite a few very rude comments. Maybe that has something to do with the child not looking like the parent and that brings out the ignorance in some people.

One time I did receive a comment that "I could never adopt. I need to have my own child that is genetically linked to me." I have learned that genetics is such an incredibly small part of parenting AND the 9+ months of pregnancy is not something that every mother HAS TO experience. After 3 1/2 years of being a mother, I feel just as much love for my son and just as much a mother as anyone who carried their child. I also was able to "bounce back" after his birth and have lots of energy to parent.

I won't deny there was the original shock and sadness when we realized we could not conceive. But I moved on quickly and declared that the universe was not going to keep me from being a mother. Since adopting, I am really grateful it turned out the way it did because I love MY SON and I wouldn't have met him or fell in love with him if I didn't adopt.

One thing I need to change is, I have always told our adoption story rather freely and with my son present. Now that he is older, 3 1/2, I have stopped that and realize that story will be his one day if he chooses to share it.

Sorry if I got off topic! I have never shared online about this and got a little carried away.

Welcome to the wonderful world of parenthood! Bottom line. No matter how your children come to you, some people feel free to comment. Pregnant too old or too young? You will get comments. Having your first or your fourth? People will comment. You are expectant parents, and the world sees your life as public domain now. Just wait until your child arrives! Whether your child looks exactly like you or nothing like you, whether you dress your child too warmly or not warmly enough, someone will have something to say about it. Accept this as a fact of life ~ it is not a phenomenon specific to adoption. I am adopted. One of my four sons is adopted. My granddaughter is adopted. I am very familiar with the questions and assumptions that attend adoption. How to handle it is with a great deal of grace and tolerance. You can say with friendliness and grace just what you said here. Adoption was the best choice for your family, and your first choice. Period. No further explanation is necessary. Accept the fact that in any facet of life you will experience the occasional uninformed busybody, focus on the supportive and happy majority, and congratulations on your bundle of joy!!!

You could just smile sweetly and say, 'I am so grateful for - and happy with - our family composite (to be) that I rarely bother discussing how we got here, especially not over cocktails (then turn the conversation to something more superficial or politely excuse yourself in search of another cocktail or hors d'oeuvre).
AND CONGRATS!!! Wonderful and amazing things come from life's little challenges.

Hi L.,

This is as simple as I can put it. Life is too short to be concerned with how other people act or what they say. Don't entertain conversations like these if they make you feel uncomfortable. Find a way to gracefully end the conversation that makes your feel uncomfortable.

Hope this helps.

Jeannie

L. - I can't answer for others, but I think adoption is a great opportunity in life. I myself have twin boys, and am always questioned about fertility drugs. I'm on the other side of the spectrum with you in the sence that people automatically think multiples come from fertility problems.

I think fertility is a touchy subject. Like you said, once you are in the process of adopting you are past the dissapointment of how you arrived there. I don't know how to exactly adress someone who would ask those questions after a wonderful conversation about your new baby. Maybe a polite redirection of the conversation.

Good luck with your new baby!!!

Hi L.,
I have a couple that are very good friends of mine and they adopted a beautiful little girl from a Chinese orphanage a year and a half ago. They tried so hard to have their own children but my friend could never carry to term, in fact miscarried several times in her first and second trimester. You can imagine the pain they went through. But with a lot of prayer and support and patience, they now have a beautiful two year old daughter who is brilliant, needless to say, and she is that way because of her nurturing, loving, and faithful parents. They have learned to just tell people who are intrusive or insensitive that God had a plan for them and this little girl, and it was to place them together and be the family God wishes for all of us. Some people really don't even realize the callousness of their words or concerns, so with those people be brief but politely decline to discuss personal issues and just turn to those you can trust and depend on for real support. Just proudly say that you just can't wait to start life with the child God gave you and never worry about people's second guessing. The only thing that will matter to you once you have your child will be trying your best to be good parents and providing a safe, happy home and childhood for him/her.
God Bless You and Your Family!
C.

L.,

After having had two children (both bio), I can say, people are really free in discussing pretty much everything that has to do with pregnancy, childbirth and raising children no matter how petty or squirm inducing. Everyone has an opinion and a story and they like to share them in gruesome detail. If you were pregnant, you'd be hearing every birth horror story in excrucitating detail. I have no idea why people feel the need to share in such intimate detail but they do. All I can say is that having children (no matter how they got here) is one of the few things that virtually everyone has as a "common" experience. And even though it can be really hard to take sometimes, it is just one of the ways that people try to bond with each other. In their own weird way, they are welcoming you into the circle of parents. If my experience is any indication, this is the first of many times in your life when someone (friend, relative, total stranger) will give you way too much information or ask you something embarrassingly personal like it is no big deal at all. My older child has autism and I've come to realize that is just one of the things that people will use to firmly insert their foot into their mouth while trying to be nice or chummy or whatever. LOL I think most people don't mean to be offensive, they just are.

:-)T.

These people honestly believe they're being suppostive; they have no idea how inappropriate their comments are. You can't change that, so don't let it get to you! Just develop a standard answer that you can deliver with a smile, something like, "We're so excited to be the family our daughter needs," or "She'll be ours from the first dirty diaper." Acquaintences just want to know that you're happy before they say, "I'm happy for you."

i think its great your adopting! there are soo many children out there that need good families! so congrats on your soon to be baby! i admit i woul probably jump to the "are you having ferility issues" but only to gain more understanding. its also something that i wouldnt get upset if you said that you would prefer not to talk about it (ie at a cock tail party). i think people are just curious about others fertility issues so they ask questions. dont be scared to tell them that this isnt the place or time not to mention you may not want everyone knowing. i also think it strikes people odd when you adopt out of your race (not that i think it should matter) when you dont have kids most people assume you would stick with your race. but i think a baby/child needs love no matter who its from! and pay no attention to people that will hate on what your doing your making a childs life better! GOOD LUCK!!!

Good for you Both! We need more people like you to adopt children who otherwise would not have a home. It doesn't matter what the reason is or how you came to make this decision. I have an aunt who adopted a little girl and found out shortly afterwards she was pregnant. They loved both girls who were 8 months apart equally and never once regretted their decision to adopt even when she became ill. They had the love of this little girl for a short time but still would not trade what they had for what they would not have had. God will bless you again for sharing the love with this child that you would have never had known if you hadn't adopted. Good Luck.

Hi L.! Congratulations on your baby, that is so exciting! I think some people have a difficult time understanding what is appropriate to ask and what is not. The assumption that infertility is a reason for adoption is a common one, and I think somewhat widely spread. I once told someone that I planned to adopt and the first question out was "Can you not have children of your own?" It happened to be a friend, so I was not offended, but I was caught a little off-guard. I think that being prepared for people's questions can be half the battle, and I was not prepared for this one, as I was and am in the thinking stages of wanting to adopt at some point. I just responded by letting him know that there are other reasons for adopting as well. I think your answer of it is a decision that the two of you made together, and that you feel it is best for your situation is all you need to say, if that. Then focus on how excited you are to be expecting your little one. Reasons for making such choices in our lives can be very personal ones, and other people who have not been through it have no idea what kind of emotions a question like that can bring up. Congratulations again, and good luck!

I usually take comments or questions about my son and my infertility as opportunities to educate people about both topics. So I don't get too upset by what they say. I know they are ignorant to the topic and usually once I explain everything to them, I can see the light bulb go on in their heads. Most folks are genuinely just interested in how adoption works.

But if you are uncomfortable talking about the subject you have every right to tell them that you are not comfortable talking to them about it. End of story.

And that goes for any piece of advice or comment that you will get once your baby comes home to you. Because whether your children are biological or adopted, you will get comments on everything from their looks, their grades, what they are wearing that day, etc.

Congratulations on your upcoming adoption of your little girl! I can still remember the excitement DH and I had the few days before our son was placed into our arms for the first time.

BTW: I am an adoptive Mom of a fully energetic 3 year old son who we adopted through an open, infant domestic adoption when we was 3 weeks old. I am also the mom of our surprise bio baby, my DD who is 11 months old.

I was just laughing the other night with my DH as we were looking at a recent picture of the 4 of us together. Neither one of our kids looks like either of us. Our DD resembles some of our relatives, but doesn't really look like either of us and she is our bio child. And my DS resembles some of my relatives, but looks nothing like either of us too.

Good Luck and Congratulations again!

My DD used to go to gymnastics with a little girl adopted from China. I've never asked about the details, because I know its none of my business, but I've heard a few people ask her Dad, and she's five years old now. People will probably always be rude/curious. I personally love the line, "she grew in my heart, not my uterus" In time "poor you" will turn into "that is one lucky kid" because I'm sure you will give her/him everything. CONGRATULATIONS!

It's obvious that people don't consider your feelings when asking such questions so why should you consider theirs? If I was in that position, I'd say, Yes, we are having fertility issues, but that's not a business of yours!
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Dear L.. I have to say to you and your husband CONGRATULATIONS, you are doing the right thing for whatever the reasons. I feel too that just because anyone adopts is not an issue of not being capable of conceiving their own, it's your choice to do so, you are helping a little someone have a better life. My husband and I have also been thinking on the adopting, we are looking at different adoption programs, we feel there are less fortunate children here in the USA as well as other parts of the world. People should be a bit more considerate when engaging in these types of questions, especially at public gatherings. More power to you if you want to be open to the reasons behind. I think you are doing a magnificient thing by thinking of going through the adoption. The very best to you and your husband as well as the little bundle soon to arrive.
thanks
D.

First of all, congratulations on your baby!!! Hopefully you'll be able to bring your baby home soon. Having suffered infertility and gone through treatments as well as pursued adoption (although we never did adopt), I can relate to the ignorant comments. I learned just to assume the people were geniunely interested and niave (sp?) and I anwered the questions that I was comfortable with and learned to skate around those that were too intimate. The comments that did bother me were those that came from close family or relatives. Those were a bit harder to brush off and I would try to as tactfully as possible tell them that these were personal choices for us to make and while we love sharing our lives, we don't want to have to defend ourselves.

We adopted by choice. We have 2 kids - one through adoption and one biologically. When we are asked which one is our own. I always say they both are. Then the person will usually say "you know what I mean". I respond, "Yes, I know what you mean, but does my child? I do not want him to ever think he is not my own." The person then usually says something about how I am right and they never thought of that. I am assuming you are not Asian?? then the adoption will be obvious and you will always be answering questions about it. Not necessiarily about your fertility, but about adoption. My children are 12 weeks apart in age. (They are now 12 years old). Most people have no idea how that can happen. They rarely guess adoption. I do not talk about my son's adoption if he is present. It is his story to tell and he can tell it if he wishes. When people ask how they are 12 weeks apart. My son says it is because he is the older. I don't say anything. It took me a while to realize I don't have to answer.

Good luck. Enjoy your child.

I nanny for a couple days a week a two year old girl adopted from China and people have even asked me questions while we're out...I just say "They are blessed to have her". End of discussion. I don't know if her mom deals with it any differently (although they didn't go this route because of fertility issues). Mom's even gone on television to speak about her experience. And her daughter is truly a blessing.

Honestly, a lot of people are ignorant. With that in mind, it makes dealing with them much easier. I am a birthmother. I placed my daughter with a family that I chose, almost 12 years ago. I was 17 years old. There are many misconceptions about birthmothers out there. It's one of the many reason why I speak to teenagers and adults about my story, adoption and birthmothers in general. I am very open about my adoption story, but there are some people who just respond negatively or ask really weird questions. In my opinion, they are simply ignorant. Whether it be ignorant about my specific situation (which of course they would be) or just simply ignorant about adoption or birthmothers... with that in mind it is much easier to respond to people. I don't necessarily mean ignorant in a bad way. They just have never been educated on the topic. And that's okay. You'll learn how to deal with it and how to respond to people. :) Congratulations!!

Just remember, there are plenty of 'tummy' mommies out there that don't appreciate what they have unlike the 'heart' mommies who adopt. Your fertility is NO ONES BUSINESS! That is between you and your husband only. If someone asks why you are adopting 'instead of having your own' just tell them that you wanted the blessing of having a child that needs you more and he/she IS YOUR OWN! Blessings to your family!

Hi, L.! I've felt what you're feeling! We have adopted twice. The first was the totally open, family adoption of my husband's grand-daughter where I have to share her a lot with the maternal grand-mother, the second out-of-state, completely closed adoption of my beautiful baby boy. The first was because of the child's need for stability in addition to our love for her. The second was due to my need to have a baby that was "all my own" and infertility. Both, as you will find out, have been the best decisions we have ever made. When we decided to adopt our second child we were met with a lot of the same attitudes you are experiencing - from elated to "oh, you poor things", to "are you crazy?". People who have negative responses to your choice do so out of ignorance. In spite of how commonplace adoption is, there are still those who don't know what its all about. Unfortunately, by sharing our special news with anyone - friends, family, acquaintances - we adoptive parents open ourselves up to this kind of thing. People are curious about infertility and adoption. They want to know what methods you've tried, how long you've tried, is it you or him, aren't you just taking on someone else's problems by adopting - especially from another country/state, what if the birth parents try to come back and get the baby, and on and on. So, what we did with our negative responders and questions that we felt were too personal was to turn those conversations into teaching sessions. Talk about the fact that you are giving a child a good home and a loving family who otherwise would have had to face life in an orphanage or foster care or worse. Let them know that this is how you've chosen to build your family regardless, and why. Arm yourself with facts like only 5% of adoptions fail and that there are many safeguards in place now in America and abroad that prevent birthparents from being able to change their minds. If we can get the word out there, people won't be so afraid of adoption and maybe more of our children here in the US can get out of the foster care sysatem and into safe, loving families. Of course, that goes internationally, too. Most of all - don't let them get your goat! The adoption process is stressful enough to worry about the ignorant!! Best of luck to you and your family.

You know L., I think what Chelsey said when they ask her a question about her mom was the answer, tell people that you don't think that question needs an answer, it really is too personal. An I apploud you both with your new addition, and don't let anyone rain on this beautiful time, after all, a new child, is one of the most beautiful things, and I wish you the best with your new family. And just remember just because they are being so brass, and thoughtless, you do not have to give them an answer.

I think people, for the most part, are genuine, nosy, but genuine. They don't necessarily know how to react to certain information. I say, give them the benefit of the doubt. You're news is wonderful & you should just focus on that instead of other people's reactions. We had fertility issues with our 2nd child & encountered the same "Awwww" reaction. Others were very positive saying "it will happen, just relax". Well, they don't know that to be true either. I think it's a very personal & sensitive issue & they just didn't know how to respond. Trust me, it made it MORE uncomfortable when I explained everything that we were going through rather than just giving a vague response. If you don't want to talk about it, just give a simple response, then talk about your bundle of joy. After all, it is a joyous occasion! Congrats!!!!

I think your being overly sensitive and defensive. People are curious about how you came to make the decision your making. They are interested in you. It doesn't mean "poor you"...that is what your hearing it's not what is being said. Sometimes we project our feelings onto others and we think we know what they're feeling when it's not really the case at all. It's normal for people to try to have their own children first (unless your Angelina Jolie) and if things don't work out look into adoption. I'm sure the people your talking to are really happy for you it's an amazing experience. One that you have waited for for a long time. As far as people talking about fertility issues I agree with you, that's your business. We live in such an open society where everything is talked out on television in the 6 o'clock news people feel very comfortable asking personal questions. You can always politely change the subject but I feel enthusiasm can override all of that. If people give you a sad look..take them by the hand and tell them it's the greatest thing in the world and you can't wait to see your new baby. Your overwhelming happiness won't give people a chance to look sad. Most of all, it's your family..who cares what people think! Most people are so self-involved they're not worried about what your doing. Treasure your time with your newborn, motherhood is the most amazing experience I've ever had. Your going to be so happy when that baby comes it won't matter what anyone says. Take care!!!

L. ~

I think you are making a great decision! My husband & I gave up a child for adoption over 12 years ago, when we were still dating, and I had people who treated me basically the same way & honestly being rude about it. But it is something that I will never regret doing, because I know that child has a wonderful loving family, who can provide for him, and give him the life he deserves. If I had to do it all over again, I honestly think I would, just to help out a couple/family who is looking to have a child and can not. There is no better reward in life, knowing what I did for a family. I made that family complete. I wish you the best of luck with your adoption and just ignore the ignorrance of people being rude.
When my husband & I decided to get married, the one question I hated the most and still do is "when are you going to have kids?" well, for those who knew about the adoption never asked that question, but my response was first of all how do you know that I can't have a child and second of all I don't think that is any of your business. I don't know why people have to find it necessary to meddle in people's lives when it comes to raising a family. Some choose to, some do not. At that point in our life, we were not ready. We were only dating for a very short period when it happened, who knew where our relationship was going to land us at that time. But, We are very proud of our decision. Now we are looking into possibly adopting a special needs child, seeing that those are the children that usally get overlooked when it does come to adopting. But, I feel that is where my heart is, I have a very big heart and know that it would be a challenge, but I think the reward in itself would be amazing.
I wish you the best with the adoption, just let people know that this is your decision not theirs and that you feel in your hearts that this is in the best interest for you and your family and leave it at that.

On one more note ~ that family that adopted our child...is an Adoption Lawyer. She also made a video about adoptions, which I think she did a wonderful job on making. The Name of the video is "I Have Roots and Branches; Personal Reflections on Adoption" by Flory G. Herman. It is worth purchasing.

Hello!

First of all Congratulations! What a wonderful blessing!

I think people do not understand the bond that comes with adoption, regardless of fertility or infertility. I, myself am adopted by the most loving parents. When many people find out that I am adopted they give me that "damaged goods look with pity". Don't feel sorry for me. God has given me great parents that I consider "real" family. And me and my mom, always joke how her genes are very strong because I carry a lot of her personalities and characteristics! lol!
My husband and I have spoken about adopting another child as well. We do have 2 children and God has taken our 3rd child early. We have tried to have more but because of a tragic incident related to my son's early passing, cannot concieve. We pray that God will bless us with another pregnancy but even so, we are thinking about adoption. If and when we do adopt that child will be one of my children just like my others, each one special and a blessing from God!
So in my opinion and from personal experience, most people do not understand the bond and the real love that comes with adopting a child with no blood ties. Keep your head up and smile with pride because not everyone has "to get it", only you do. :)

J.

A lot of people I know have adopted and some have bio children and some don't. I would love to be in your shoes but my house is already crowded with three little ones. I would just focus on getting ready for your new little one. I'm sure she or he will be a blessing to you and your husband as you will both be a blessing to him or her.

Hi L.,
As the mother of identical twins conceived through in-vitro, I can attest to the countless number of inappropriate comments and questions I received from many "curious" people; although at times it seems more like ridiculously rude people. I actually had one woman ask me if I had used a surrogate and when I asked her why she would ask such a question, her reply was that I was "so small." I guess if you're 5 feet, one inch tall and didn't gain 300 pounds while pregnant, people have the right to assume you used a surrogate?

With so many children, both domestically and abroad, in need of loving homes and the hope of a brighter future, what you and your husband are doing in bringing this child into your family is simply extraordinary. Perhaps by responding with the positive like "we couldn't be more excited about adding to our family" would cut things off without any further explanation?

Best wishes to you and your new addition!
Celebrating with you,
L.

Oh, YES!!! My husband and I adopted domestically (actually locally the birthfamily is in the same town! [Side-note, we have a very open adoption and just LOVE our son's birthmom and family!!])Unfortunately, I think it is for the most part human nature. When you don't go through the adoption process yourself, ie; not reading books, attending classes/seminars, ect., the knowledge just ins't there! My husband and I had/have some fertility issues but were never told it was an impossibility to have a biological child, we were just not getting any younger and simply felt that was "our" path! We had all the same questions and simpathic looks. If we feel like it, the questioneer gets a very long and detailed explaination along with the joys and process of adoption (can make them sorry they asked and now no longer ignorqant!). If we are not in the mood, a simple comment like "this is how we wanted to build our family and we couldn't be more excited about OUR child!" Also, making clear this will be a child of our OWN! We also always heard comments from family and friends how as soon as we adopted we would get pregnant!! You may be hearing that too soon if not already. That also just infurated me!! Even though I did get pregnant when my son was 15 months and now have a 2 month old little girl, it is a comment better left unsaid because it is so inappropiate! We feel it was quite a miracle! And still get the comment from strangers where I point out we are of one of a few but there are many couples where is not a possibilty at all! We were simply lucky enough to build our family both ways!! Again, I always try to stress adoption is NOT inferior, simple another way to create/build a family!! There is just no way to know the person your questioning entire fertility history and the mystery it can still be! If you don't already have it, Adoptive Families magazine always has some great articles on how to deal with this and many other issues! Remember it really isn't any else's business (even family) and sometimes people do need to be reminded of that fact, don't feel guity of that!! Although, International is very different than Domestic, so I cannot completely relate, I do know you are in for an incredible journey! Enjoy every minute, even the frustrating ones, you will be blessed and soon enough have a beautiful child to love and nurture!!

Congratulations and wishing you the best luck!! L. M

Dear L.-My husband and I adopted our beautiful son from Ukraine 7 years ago. We encountered alot of negativity along the way, mainly from some family members. You know in your heart what is right from the beginning. My son couldn't have been more right for us had he been born from my womb. God certainly had a plan. He is healthy, smart and very athletic. Supportive people will remain your friends and others will not. This is a life process. We stay connected with other families that adopted through our agency. They have become some of our closest friends and the children are growing up with this common bond and are best friends. This is important for you as a family. People who have not gone through the adoption process (particularly foreign adoption) will never quite understand. So stay connected with like families, ignore the ignorant questions and surround yourself with loving supportive family and friends. Your child is a gift from God, but, sometimes he makes mistakes. Mine was born in the wrong womb, but, we traveled to the ends of the earth to find him..Good luck!!

Hi L., Congratulations on the upcoming arrival of your first child! Being a mommy is a wonderful experience!

Your letter struck me because I have always wanted to ask someone why they adopted but haven't because I wasn't sure if it would be offensive. I think it takes a special person to adopt and it is a wonderful gift for all who are involved. I honestly love a good story and I am just curious as to how the decision was made. I can see now that it is a very personal matter and will not cross that line.

However, if somone were to tell me " We were in a unique position to be able to choose the path we wanted to take to have a child and our journey led us to understand that adoption was what is right for our family". I would have no more questions!

Good luck with your little one!

just simply tell people you chose to grow this baby in your heart instead of your belly. Leave it at that.

First- are you LB from HP? If not, pm and ask me to explain!

Second- People are ignorant about infertility, adoption, foster care, and so many MANY aspects of parenthood. People think "whoa is me" to the 35 year old still waiting for their miracle as well as th 15 year old that wasn't taught to keep it for marriage! I can honestly say that I have always longed to adopt and foster (Like in Jr. High I came home one day and told my mom I would be a foster mom one day) but DH doesnot see the same path in our future.

I have PCOS, and I was SOOO embarassed to talk about until about 3 months ago. It was "shameful" to have a fertility problem now when my first child was an "oops, we screwed-up the BCP this month. OHHHHH We're PG!"

Now I have come more to terms with it, but still- I don't bring up the subject! If someone asks if my 3 year old will always be an only child, I say "until God chooses to bless us with another." (Which, we recently found out he has. We are due in November.)

Know that I am COMPLETELY thrilled for you! You and DH are going to be (ARE) wonderful parents! And your daughter (or son if you're not LB) is going to be blessed 1,000,000,0000 times over!

My husband and I adopted two children from Guatemala. Our son has been home two years this weekend and our daughter has been home just over a year. We have often gotten those intrusive questions -- are they brother and sister, don't you want children of your own, etc. I have had to find a response that best fits my mood and the situation. I also have had to learn that people ask these questions out of ignorance not malice. So I usually use these times to educate others about the power of adoption (guess that is the teacher in me). A simple comment about adoption to teach can easily start a conversation about adoption if the person is interested or provide too much information for them and lead them to leave me alone. Like I said, it's about finding what works for you.

CONGRATULATIONS, L.!! I'm sure you & your husband must be so excited to become parents. :)

With regards to the responses that you get, people are curious and sometimes insensitive when it comes to anything that is not within their scope of experience. Feel free to share or not share depending on your comfort level.

A very dear friend of mine adopted a little boy and received a lot of the same kinds of questions. Her response to them was that they considered themselves especially blessed about being able to adobt a baby because they were able to pick out the very best one. That is also how she explained to her son that he was adopted. She made her child feel like he was special because he was adopted, not in spite of it.

Your family IS especially blessed to be in a position to share your love with a child, wherever/however he or she comes to be with you.

God bless you and your growing family!!

Jen

honestly...people need to know that they need not worry about your past disappointment's, and further more, sometimes people need someone to tell them to mind their own business. I don't think people are curious about fertility, but the majority of people in this day in age are just rude,and need to be put in there place from time to time. I guess what I'm trying to say is that everything in your life happens for a reason, and there is a plan for everyone. If you and your family are happy, don't take what people say very seriously. It's just really unfortunate that some people don't think before they talk, and that other people might take offense, or that it might be hurtful to that person. you'll find your own way of dealing with those ignorant people. enjoy what is to come in YOUR life, and don't worry about anyone else.

Congratulations! I have one daughter, age 17, who was adopted at birth, though not through an international adoption. I've heard it all!! Most people are simply excited and congratulatory. Some ask personal questions, which they have no business asking. And, every now and then, you get someone who appears simply ignorant, like the fellow worker who said to me "that's nice, but I prefer to have my children the old fashioned way" -- I was shocked beyond speaking.

Bottom line: you owe no one an explanation. A simple "we're thrilled to be welcoming this child into our family" is sufficient. For those who persist, e.g. "have you tried fertility treatments" I'd simply say "this is the choice my husband and I have made to start our family" -- nothing more. Keep smiling! You have years of wonderfulness ahead of you. DO NOT feel the need to answer anyone's questions. Just bask in the joy of your upcoming role as parents - it's beyond anything you've every known.

Best of luck. I'll be thinking of you as you start this amazing journey.

With love,
Beverly

L.;

don't waste your time or feelings on people that would be anything but supportive with your upcoming adoption. when someone has the nerve to try to discuss fertility with you, simply say that you do not discuss such private matters. there are as many kind and tasteful people in this world as there are rude and distasteful ones. don't allow the rude ones to get to you. for one thing they don't even know what they are talking about. i have 2 sons, one is my birth child, and one is adopted. there is no difference between the two. bio. and birthing is not the only way to become a family. please do not let some peoples ignorance rob you of your joy at this special time in your life.

C.

Hi L.,

I know all to well how you are feeling. I do have 2 little boys, one is biologically mine and the other we adopted. My husband and I had a hard time concieving, we went through alot of infertility treatment and eventually got pregnant with my oldest son, now 6. He was born prematurely at 27 weeks, we feel very blessed for many things; that we finally were able to concieve and then that he struggled through his first few months of life but survived. Due to our infertility and high risk pregnancy, we were told that we could try for an additional child but would have the same and probably worse complications. We were only going to have an only child, but he wanted a brother or sister. I had a good friend who went through adoption through the county and so we decided to take that road....after 2 yrs of waiting and so forth, we were blessed with an infant, 1 day old whose parents chose not to keep him, anyway we brought him home from the hospital.
I understand that hurt that you both feel when it comes to fertility and adoption, but here is how we got through it. First and foremost we have a very strong faith in God and are very thankful for our situations that come our way wether good or bad..as this builds our character and faith. My husband is wonderful, we made our decisions based on what we wanted, talked about and shared and basically said to forget about what anyone thinks. Next we decided to be open about our problems with infertility and how we handled it, only to learn that alot of other couples were having the same issues and just didn't know who to talk to or how to handle the situation. I found that when my husband and I are confident in making decisions for ourselves, we really felt nothing bad towards anyone else or their inquisitiveness..as what is good for some couples are not for others..and that is OK. Beyond that, if someone was just ignorant and made comments that were either hurtful or not thought out..(that is most who absorb themself into other things than family), I just actually feel sorry for them for what they are missing out on...there is so much good in family. We also defined what family was for us..it does not mean biological!
We plan on telling both our boys how very special they are in their own ways...Nick for his struggle to get here and hang on and Levi (2 1/2) how special he is to come when we thought we wouldn't find someone else! The other thing with adoption is that I don't shut our youngest son out of anything..I've sent letters and pictures to his biological mother although that is the only contact she has had. I refuse to speak bad about her or his father as alot of my friends and family have choose..but I can imagine that even they as parents felt some sort of lose in a child that we do not know about but loved him enough to give him a better life.
Good Luck in your endeavor...it's worth it and you and your husband can decide what is the best way to handle other people. Be confident in yourselves and just go for it. God has a plan and it will all work out for you. Don't worry about past disappointments, embrace them as they are what got you where you are today!
God Bless your new family ~ M.

People are too goddamn nosy! Just look at them, pausing slightly to get their attention, smile just enough to look patronizing, and say slowly so they understand clearly, "We could have chosen any method of becoming parents, but we chose to take on the responsibility for someone else's child on the planet who could not or did not make this choise for themselves". At this point they will either be inspired, cowed in awe, or perhaps they are not bright enough and won't pester you with further questions. An intellectual answer usually eases the burden onto the less out spoken... And by the way, all the Asian children I have ever met usually excell in all areas of education!

I for one am delighted! E. H

Dear L.,
Congratulations on the upcoming adoption of your precious child! What a blessing and a privilege! I couldn't be happier for you and your husband. Regarding the issue of people's insensitivity to adding children to a family, I have the unique privilege of being pregnant with my 6th girl. You may not think this news could create awkward responses, but it does. The reluctance I had of telling people was due to the disappointed responses I got when I was pregnant with my 5th daughter and told people. Some people were actually disappointed for me, as if having a boy was the end goal for our family plan. I was rather hurt by people that should've known better. It really has sensitized me to having a happy response to any news about adding child, whether an overseas adoption, or a 4th, 5th, etc. child of the same gender. My advice to you is when the awkward, rude, and insensitive questions come up, just politely say "oh, we don't really think much about those (fertility) issues anymore. We're just so happy to be welcoming our child." Or, in the face of such insensitive questions smilingly say, "We're just so happy to be welcoming our child soon." You could then change the topic of conversation and excuse yourself from the person. Anyway, good luck and I hope there are others who will give you advice based on their experiences with this issue. L.

My Husband and I are adopting several of our foster children. We were not blessed with any bio children. I have had a lot of those same questions. I have choosen to let people know we have choosen our children and are very fortunate to have such a beautiful family (3 girls, 1 boy with another boy coming home soon). I decided to educate those that ask about the number of children waiting for a home over 40,000 in California alone. I hope all goes well for you. You are blessed more then you can imagine.

B.

Less than 100 years ago there was only one way to make a family. Here we are in 2008 and there are endless possibilities for making your family. Whether you want to keep your family's start your business or be open about it, the reality is that people will always be curious if your family wasn't started in the "traditional" way. It is human nature to be curious and you can bet that whether or not they ask those questions, they will be thinking them. Whenever I'm faced with something like this, I think to myself "what can I control?" We can't control what people will ask us. All we can control is our response. My advice to you is to come up with your personal "script" of how you want to respond to people's questions. Those questions will never go away. I'm a first time mom of a 15 month old and people will ask questions and offer advice that will blow your mind! It doesn't bother me because I know what's best for my family. Good luck and congratulations!

Hi L., congrats on the new baby. It's so great that you're able to give a child a home. My husband and I tried to get pregnant for 6 yrs and almost started the in vitro process when we got pregnant on our own. It was a miracle! But those six years of constant questions and you just have to relax, in God's time, you're not doing it right, are you shooting blanks ( to my husband), go on vacation, adopt. It was heart wrenching! Most people are just curious, but many are just ignorant to anything that has to do with fertility. That's why I was so open to talking about it and educating them on infertility. You wouldn't believe that people (mainly family) that we had already talked to and explained things, still would ask questions and try and give us advice. Or I would constantly get, so and so is pregnant. Even when they knew how hurtful it was that someone else was pregnant and I wasn't. Especially if I didn't even know the person. Why do I need to know? Now that we have our son, we get questions about when are we having another one and you wouldn't believe how many people get upset because we want to stop at one. Why is it their business? We've learned that we just can't change people and try to simply answer the question and then change the subject. Because I've been through all this, I am seem to be more aware of those that possibly are going through the same thing and I don't ask questions. Unless they seem to want to talk about it. So many friends are having fertility issues that all the feelings come back. So weird.
Anyway, you're not alone. Just give a simple response and change the subject. Hope they stop asking questions. Good luck with the adoption process. We know several people that have adopted outside the country and had a great experience and just love those kids.