Imagine for a moment that your kids are all grown up and have kids of their own. One is still living at home while attending a community college, and two more come, with their families, for your mother's funeral. Your oldest son has had marital problems in the past, and his wife claims that he's been diagnosed with a mental illness. You talked to your own therapist about it, and he says that the supposed mental illness is a bunch of balogna, a made-up disease that doesn't really exist, and you should just let them work out their problems. Things seem to have been going okay, or at least as far as you know, since you took your therapist's advice and "butted out."
Their young kids are camping out in the family room. You've gone to bed because the flu's going around and you're still on the mend. You hear a ruckus, with raised voices. You come out in the hall and run into your daughter in law. You ask her if everything's okay. She tells you that your son got mad and hurt their oldest little boy (who is turning 7 soon), that it's happened before, that she told him off for it, and it made him even angrier.
What would you do?
I hope y'all don't think I'm being deceptive. I'm actually the daughter-in-law. I happen to think my in-laws' family is severely screwed up, and I'm sort of reeling from their reaction to the above incident. Because my MIL said, "But you have it under control now, so I can go back to bed?"
I can answer some of the questions you asked, because I actually know what happened. My husband was being really awful to his mom. Truly disrespectful. He was asking her some questions, then cutting her off, rolling his eyes, and when she wasn't looking, making rude gestures to me to indicate that his mother was an idiot. After she went to bed, I mentioned to him that he was being very disrespectful to her. He lost his temper, started yelling at the kids to go to bed, etc. When our 7 year old didn't obey him immediately, he picked him up and threw him half-way across the room, onto a couch. I told my husband to leave the room, because he was out of control. He refused, so I took our boys to another room and, like you ladies suggested, checked out my little boy and asked him if he was okay. He was sobbing, saying that Dad had squeezed him really hard, and it hurt, and that he'd done it before. Our other little boy said he was scared. I got them calmed down and in bed, and that's when I ran i`nto my MIL in the hall. I couldn't believe that I'd just told her that her son had hurt our boy, and she asked if she could go back to bed. I shrugged it off because she's sic, but now my FIL is telling me to get over it, and why am I sleeping on the couch still, and still being mad at my husband?
I guess it just fits in with the fact that he's verbally abusive and mean to his wife. Like father, like son.
I told my husband that if it happens again, I'm calling the cops. I am also going to be talking to our church leader about this. This is absolutely inexcusable behavior in my opinion.
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Addition
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My husband was diagnosed with OCPD, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. It's not entirely unlike NPD.
I really appreciate all your input. I'm sure it all seems very clear-cut, but when you live with "crazy people" reality gets distorted. A counselor of mine adviced me to seek out "normal responses" when I'm confused about what in the world is going on, which is why I wrote this post. My in-laws' reaction to this incident was baffling. And my husband's actions were baffling, also. He has been absolutely kissing up since I gave him an ultimatum to get help within the month or get out. That was 2 weeks ago now, so it was really shocking to have him turn like this. It's shocking, scary, and will absolutely be dealt with. What's worse is that he said, "You're the only one who seems to be upset about what happened last night." He's not even sorry. So I"m afraid that his actions have changed our plans. We'll be heading straight home, and his month of time to start getting help will be shortened dramatically.
I used to fit in this category, so believe me, I understand. But if have never gone through this yourself, you have NO idea what it's like. Until you experience this for yourself, I beg of you, please refrain from passing judgement like "you're too weak to protect your children." It really doesn't do anyone any good. And you have no idea what my life is like. One day in my life would send your head spinning. Just know that I am actively seeking help from professionals and I am actually doing a lot to protect my children.
I'd hand everyone directions to the nearest motel and tell them all to get out.
Too many people in a small space or a single house is bound to have people acting antsy.
If every family grouping has their own space they won't be on each others nerves.
Im sorry to hear you and your Children are going through this :-( Him Throwing MY SON across the room like a doll would have been his final time laying a hand on my child!!!!! NO WAY would I ever let him do anything like that to either of them again! If he does that and thinks nothing of it ~Whats he going to do next??? I, personally, WOULD NOT STICK AROUND TO FIND OUT!!!!!!!!!! I would take my boys and leave.
Be Strong for your boys ! they are whats most important!!
Find out first if the grandson is ok. Once that is handled and I knew what "hurt" really meant....intentional, accidental, playing...exactly what happened.
From there it would really depend on what occured.
Wow.....I think if it were me. I can not say on here what I would have done. I certainly would have left with the kids at that moment or in the morning. Your poor son. Husband needs a wake up call. His mom and dad will stick up for him so don't bother trying to get any help from them. I would not wait for the next time, you never know what might happen the next time. This is serious and your husband needs to know this. I would make sure he is in some kind of counseling or he would have to leave. Good luck and protect your babies!
Since it happened in your house you have the right to ask/talk about it.
I think you need to get your son's side of the story too-you seem to have gotten a lot of voluntary info from your DIL, which always makes me question someone's motive.
No idea, but I'd want to find out if the little boy is ok. If he is actually hurt and DIL is not being a drama queen, then your son needs to get some help with anger management. If he's actually hurting his children, butting out is no longer an option because it's not about him, it's about the defenseless kiddos. Good luck!
Talk to the children in an easy going conversational way they will tell you what is going on, without even knowing that they are telling. You decide how to handle it from there, if it comes from the mouth of babes do not ignore, let your son know you know what's going on.
First you clarify "hurt"
Then you have ver calm adult conversation with your son and DIL about what happened and why- He is still your son you can still discipline
I would check on the little boy. Then go after my son to get his side of the story. I would also like to find out what started it all. Me being me I would pull them both aside in a seperate place where there are no childrend and see what the .... is going on. I would not place blame on any one as that would just make things worse, but I would def get to the bottom of it.
Check on the child, get medical treatment if necessary.
One of two things are going on... either the wife has some type of disorder in which she is out to get your son and making up lies... or what she says is true and your son has some serious issues.
Either way, it needs to be handled delicately, but handled nonetheless. When anger hitting at a child is happening, it's time for others to intervene. I'm sure the children are able to tell what happened if you take them out for ice cream without their parents and ask how things have been going, is there anything they need to talk about? Is there arguing or hitting in the home often?
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Since your 'what happened' you need to document everything that happens.
Probably try to get the full story before coming to any conclusions. Your daughter in law may be speaking the truth or the truth as she perceives it through her own filter. I'd speak with the grandson, very casually and separately, apart from all the adults, to see what he has to say. I'd also speak with the son about it when he wife is not around. All this will do is give you a better picture of what's could be really going on.
After you've done all this, you would be in a better position to give guidance if you can. Chances are, the best you can do is recommend that they go seek out family and individual counseling to help them work out their issues and hopefully establish a better plan on how to handle differences or whatever it is they need to handle in order to cope.
I've never heard of a therapist telling a patient that mental illness is a "bunch of bologna, made up disease." What kind of therapist is this? Where did he/she get his/her credentials? While I do feel that probably a lot of patients out there that have been diagnosed with a mental illness would benefit greatly from cognitive therapy and also cleaning out their diet and estalishing a consistent exercize routine, I don't think this would necessarily work for someone who is psychotic or scizophrenic. And I doubt that these people are faking it. Your therapist sounds a bit extreme.
Anyway, sorry that this is coming up for you now. I hope that you can find a way to help your son and his family with as minimal of conflict as possible.
Sending prayers of healing and clarity your way.
If he's doing that I would kick him out until he attends therapy and let the rest of the family stay with you.
