My Husband Wants to Leave the Family Due to Our Son Being Autistic. Advice?

Bye, see ya!!! That is what I would say to him. Are you kidding me!!!! That IS NOT a man at all. This is a child, you love them unconditionally, not with the "conditions" you want. He is absolutely ridiculous and I wouldn't want him around a minute longer.

Do you qualify for respite care? or can you afford a nanny who is trained to deal with an autistic child? It would take some of the stress off both of you. If he's really intent on leaving I would explain that it's not easy on me either and ask him to pay for some help in place of his being a parent. Sorry to be so blunt, but it's really selfish of him to just leave you holding the bag.

Well, sounds like your husband has made up his mind that he cannot deal with what he's been given. Part of me wants to tear him a new one for only wanting a perfect child but the other part of me is glad that he was able to be honest about his feelings and not let it turn into resentment and anger. You and your son deserve better. He may be a wonderful husband in other ways but he is a weak and selfish man and definitely not father material. Sounds like he has decided what's best for himself so let him move on but you decide what is best for you, your daughter and your son. I'm sorry if my words are harsh. I cannot personally relate to what your husband is going through so I am speaking from my heart and it is breaking for you and your son and daughter.

My advice... sell your house and buy something wherever YOU want to be and continue being a wonderful single parent b/c that's pretty much who you are now. If he elects to live near you and stay active in the children's lives, then great for him. If he doesn't- his loss.

I'm a supporter of counseling (as a therapist) and in this case it almost sounds as though your husband has gone through the therapuetic process quite actively and thoroughly and this is his outcome. People think that counseling is about saving a marriage or family, but it isn't. It's about being honest and clear in your reasoning.

He is being honest and clear with you- he regrets having your son. As painful as that is to hear, it was painful for him to say- he blames himself b/c he asked you to have the child and b/c your daughter doesn't have these issues, he likely takes the blame for the ASD too.

He doesn't want you to make his life easier (if you listen to what he's saying it has nothing to do with removing his household burdens). He cannot live with the associated behaviors of your son. I am sorry that you are going through this, but he's be honest with you for the first time in a long time.

Whoa! I think lots of parents of autistic kids have huge stress levels. Fathers, too, I think, have a harder time getting their heads around ANY type of disability in their children.
BUT I've gotta say, your husband needs to do a little manning up, here. get two condos "close by" so he can visit when it's convenient for HIM, when HIS mind is in the right frame? Please! Parents don't get that choice. Being a mom or a dad is a 24/7 job. That's the deal.
You write "I told him I couldn’t live without him. I love my husband so much it hurts. We have such a great relationship, we’re intimate all the time and rarely fight."
I hope this doesn't sound too harsh but I wonder just how much I could love a man who regrets the creation of my child...
Will he get counseling? Go to a support group?

Am I in a bad mood today? Seriously?? Because I cannot imagine feeling the same, loving a man, wanting to take care of a grown man who wants to leave his boy. Divorce is bad enough when it's a split because the husband and wife can't get along. For everything to be ok and him leave his CHILD??? That is just pathetic and makes my stomach hurt.
That said, he's made up his mind. Begging him to stay would lower your self esteem and probably be fruitless anyway. If he did stay, it would just be bad for you and your son. You'd be walking on egg shells trying to baby what someone else aptly called a cowardly shell of a man, and your son could be hurt by feeling that his dad didn't love him or want to be around. That makes me sick to even type.
If you really do take care of the bulk of the finances DO NOT take care of this man a minute longer. The "household" is the family. He is choosing to take the easy way out and LEAVE the FAMILY. He shouldn't get a dime or an ounce of help in any way from you. And don't let him try to talk you into not seeking assistance from him through court. You have 2 children. You don't need to baby something that would leave his child, when his child needs him most.
I'm very very very sorry for the pain you must feel and hope this doesn't hurt your feelings, but it is what it is. I remember mom actually looking like she got kicked in the gut when my adopted dad (her 2nd husband) said he was leaving us. I went through it with her and I know it hurts. But step back from this and realize what you're losing: something that calls itself a man, but would walk out on a good family because he feels "stress" that things aren't 100% perfect. You're better off without it.

.

My heart breaks for you! You sound like a beautiful loving mother and wife! I have no advise. None that would be nice anyway, I can only imagine your frustration. (and pain) I pray that your husband comes to hes census. He really need help for himself. Your doing what you have to do. GOOD FOR YOU!!! Praying he gets help.

i have advice and it is going to be very blunt and point blank and i am sorry please dont take offense. you husband is a pri**k a selfish imature pri*k. now i have been divorced and have a kid with disabiities and here is my suggestion and this is what i would do pack his bags put them on the porch and tell him we are not selling the house your son needs a stable enviroment and you are the one to immature to deal with him so why should I have to move your son cause you are a pri*k. second of all i would file for full custody. third of all i would go to wrightslaw.com and find your son an attorney. third i would find your son a REAL MAN WHO WANTS TO BE HIS DAD WETHER HE HAD DISABILITIES OR NOT. why should you move cause he wants his cake and eat it too and since you are putting all the money out to raise HIS SON i would keep everything in the house so you dont have to come up with money to replace it. freedom is not free so why let him come out clean as a whistle f*ck him. and the horse he rode in on. you get the car and he pays for it and since you have a disabled son you keep the house and he pays for it. but i would not tell him this is your game plan let your attorney tell him. like i said go to wrightslaw.com and find YOUR SON AN ATTORNEY. let that attorney deal with his b*tch a**. file a joint tax return and keep all the money for your retainer fees. tell him you are paying bills and pay your attorney. it is a bill. he will make you miserable and your son even more miserable if you make him stay. god what a jerk off he is. he is a worthless excuse for a man. and no judge is going to have mercy on him in court. go get him honey and clean him out.

Updated

i have advice and it is going to be very blunt and point blank and i am sorry please dont take offense. you husband is a pri**k a selfish imature pri*k. now i have been divorced and have a kid with disabiities and here is my suggestion and this is what i would do pack his bags put them on the porch and tell him we are not selling the house your son needs a stable enviroment and you are the one to immature to deal with him so why should I have to move your son cause you are a pri*k. second of all i would file for full custody. third of all i would go to wrightslaw.com and find your son an attorney. third i would find your son a REAL MAN WHO WANTS TO BE HIS DAD WETHER HE HAD DISABILITIES OR NOT. why should you move cause he wants his cake and eat it too and since you are putting all the money out to raise HIS SON i would keep everything in the house so you dont have to come up with money to replace it. freedom is not free so why let him come out clean as a whistle f*ck him. and the horse he rode in on. you get the car and he pays for it and since you have a disabled son you keep the house and he pays for it. but i would not tell him this is your game plan let your attorney tell him. like i said go to wrightslaw.com and find YOUR SON AN ATTORNEY. let that attorney deal with his b*tch a**. file a joint tax return and keep all the money for your retainer fees. tell him you are paying bills and pay your attorney. it is a bill. he will make you miserable and your son even more miserable if you make him stay. god what a jerk off he is. he is a worthless excuse for a man. and no judge is going to have mercy on him in court. go get him honey and clean him out.

You've gotten a lot of advice. Something he should consider is that he may end up with parenting time ALONE with your (plural) son if he splits with you. His choice still sounds like he wants YOU to carry the load and to visit when it suits him, not have a standard visitation schedule where he would have to handle HIS son anyway.

I get that he's overwhelmed. Friends of ours have a teenaged daughter who is not high-functioning and it is hard when her needs trump everyone else's. But children are lifetime commitments, warts and all. He may choose not to be a part of the child's life, but he will ALWAYS have a son. Kids aren't guarantees. They aren't cars you trade in when they are "broken" or don't suit you anymore.

If he does want to leave, then you take care of YOU and your son and don't placate him. He's doing YOU no favors and not really thinking about anybody but himself. Do not support him financially (HE should help YOU because your son probably has therapists to pay, special schools to attend...), do not make it any easier on him because HE is taking the easy way out. If he leaves the home, I'd divorce him. I wouldn't let him play the 2 condo game. He's in or he's out.

An acquaintance is doing it on her own with their two children (one "average" girl and the younger child with Autism). It can be done. NO, it's not easy and she's had to work hard, but it's been a relief for her not to be worried about what her ex won't do and just know what she WILL so the kids have someone to count on.

Furthermore, the 2 condo thing sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. I couldn't respect someone who wasn't man enough to raise his child but wanted me in his bedroom (for example). I'd rather be alone or have the chance to find someone who will support me.

Edit to add, I agree that selling the house would be for his benefit. If you are already paying the bills, then it's not your problem that he might not afford his own condo. You have the kids. I urge you to fight for the house and sell it only if legally obligated to do so. He can have his condo but what the heck with him wanting to take their home, presumably their yard, their rooms...again, that is not about family or the best interest of the children. That's about HIM and HIS convenience. I would fight to have whatever home you want, not whatever home he wants you to want. If he moves out, then where he lives is his problem. Not yours.

I would get my husband to a psychiatrist and to some NAMI caretaker classes before I would agree to anything. Insist on it as something you will require before you consider his request. This is way too vauge to me, and something is just way off.

It is very common for parents of autistic children to become depresses and develop psychiatric disorders, so, so common. He should be thoughly evaluated and treated for a reasonable time frame if there is any indication that he has developed a psyciatric disorder before such drastic steps are taken.

I must say, in some ways I understand. I have two children on the spectrum, and my husband has never been very close to one of them, he could just never make the connection. However, I think you need to bring the word "stress" into focus, that can mean alot of things, does the child make him angry, does the child make him sad, does the child embarass him, does the child disapoint him? He needs to own up to what ever it really is that he really feels instead of hiding behind "stress." That is what should be addressed in any therapy that his psychiatrist orders.

Parents disagree all the time about childrearing. For a child on the spectrum, the evaluation data should be outlining what will work for the child in terms of dicipline, and what will not, so there should not really be any "disagreement" between you on what to do, it should be the very same and in full alignment with the neurophsycological and developmental data. What kind of instructions are in his evaluation report? If you do not have a full Developmental evaluaition from a Developmental Pediatrician, or a Neuropsychologist, get one, and then you will know if your approach, or his approach is the one that is most consistent with what he needs. Then, you make an agreement to both handle issues in the same way, it benefits you, and it benefits the boy.

My own parents cannot accept that my children are not perfect little smart as tacks and cute as buttons kids, and they have just let us fade away, but a husband is a little differnet. There are people who just cannot accept less than perfect, but if that is really the case, I would not be sending my autistic kid around him at all, we say it all the time....our kids are autisitc, not stupid. He is going to know how his Dad feels. My gut says that if he does not have an underlying psyciatric disorder, then there is something else that is prompting his need to be away from you. He does not want to be away from his son, he wants to be away from you. That does not add up to me at all.

Having an autistic kid is very stressful, people feel anger, they feel like they were cheated, they feel disapointment, they feel exhaustion, they feel embarasment, they feel hopeless, they feel angry, but, in all the discusions I have had with other parents of kids on the spectrum, people say "I am stressed out because..." I am just not buying it. He could suggest that you get two condos near one another, then hire a baby sitter for you son while YOU come for visits...but it makes no sense at all that he would divorce you, and still see his son, while he does away with the part of the family that you say is working, I know for me, the intamacy I share with my husband is the way we releive the stress...so this makes zero sense, if it is true.

I don't mean to pull the BS card out, but this is so different than any story of an autistic break up that I have ever heard. I would look deeper and impose some conditions to find out more.

M.

It doesn't sound to me like your husband regrets having A child, he regrets having THIS child. I really think after having 5 years to adjust to the fact that his child isn't "perfect', he should be over it by now. He needs to step up and be the father this child deserves. If I were in your shoes, I would be heartbroken, but there is NO WAY I would make his life any easier by agreeing to his terms. You may still love him, but how can you respect him any more? Being "stressed" does not give him the right to reject this child. It is so sad that he cannot see the beauty in the son he helped to create, as you do. The fact that he presented this to you as a "done deal" bothers me alot...he's obviously done a great deal of thinking about this and has even come up with an "escape plan" before talking it through with you. You say that you've been in counseling for almost a year now - but it clearly isn't helping him cope with all the "stress" - how much stress can he possibly have, if you are the one doing 85% of the work anyway?? Are there any support groups for families with autistic children in your area? Maybe he could benefit from speaking with other parents in a similar situation. However, if his mind is already made up, as you say, there's probably not much you can do along those lines. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink - it sounds like his mind is already made up. How sad - for him, for you, and especially your son. I'm pretty sure after reading your post that you will be just fine without him - I'm just sorry he isn't the man or father you want him to be.

Honestly I'd tell him to get the F out and his arrangements wont fly. If he leaves the family due to your son having autism that is not the kind of man you thought he was. You take a chance with every pregnancy and you cope if everything isnt perfect. If my husband ever said he wanted out id ask him whats stopping him but he cannot be around when he "wants" to. It is one or the other.

Digest what he just said. Think about it, go to your counselor, religious leader, somebody who you can talk to. Think super long and hard, and don't jump to any conclusions.
Personally what I would do . . ..I would tell him if he doesn't want to be involved in our sons life then he doesn't get to be involved in your daughters life either. He does not get to pick and choose who his family is. You get what you get, and if you don't like it, tough. Since he has already purposed selling the house and getting condo's I would say stuff being able to see your daughter, and take your half of the money and move far away from him. You may love him, but he doesn't love your child. He doesn't get to just say hey! This is to hard!
My ex did that with me and my son and he never saw him for 10 months. He went through a lot and then came back to me and said he was a jack *** and that if I let him, he would like to be back in our lives. Maybe some time away and perspective could do him good. I dunno, but he gets all or nothing in my mind.

I haven't read your other responses, but my reaction is that you're being WAY too nice to your husband. Life isn't perfect, and your son isn't perfect, but that's the way it goes! DH doesn't get to "opt out" because things are hard. I think you need to tell him to pull his head out of his ___ and man up! You're working so hard to make his life easy, and he is taking you for granted. I realize it's not easy to be the primary breadwinner in this economy, but you don't exactly have an easy time of it either, managing an autistic child all day! Tell him you need him to grow up and support you. He wanted a child, he has a child, and he doesn't get to abandon his wife and kids because he is stressed out. That's not the way life works. I don't know how you're so calm - I would have totally lost it on him! He's being childish!

This just proves ONCE AGAIN that women are FAR stronger than men.

I wish you luck with your son but your husband is just running from his responsibilities. Sure it's tough but does he REALLY think breaking up is THAT much easier?

You haven't said what you are doing to help your son. Check out Autisim Speaks and other web sites for Autisim. My granddaughter has high functioning Autisim and mild mental retardation is ADD and ODD. My daughter is a single parent, the father never got involved with her and only saw her once. Check out the Autisim diet, it's basically a gluten free/casin free diet not easy to follow but helps a lot of Autistic children. Make sure your son doesn't get any MSG or yorgurt, both can cause violent behavior and the meltdowns.
If there isn't a support group for parents with autistics in your area get one going. I would also talk with a department head at a local university that has a program for teaching and or special needs teachers. They often have new information to offer.
Tell your hubby both Bill Gates and Donald Trump have Aspbergers--a form of high functioning Autisim.

I am so sorry for you.

If I were in your place, I would kick my husband in the balls. I'm not recommending that as a course of action, but it's what I would do.

I don't know what to tell you to do. Just know that if your husband follows through with this, he is a cowardly shell of a person. Sorry if that seems cruel. Horrible horrible things happen to children, and it is our job as parents to parent them no matter what. What if your child had cancer? Was hit by a car and became brain damaged? Was born with down syndrome? It sounds as though your child has challenges, but will be able to live life independently as an adult.

I can imagine wanting to get away from my children. My children are neurotypical and sometimes I want to run away! But the difference is that I don't.

The only thing that I can recommend is couples therapy and family therapy. He needs to learn to love his son for who he is, and if there's any hope of staying together, you have to get on the same page about parenting.

I wish you the best of luck.

I'm so sorry for you and your son and daughter. Let him leave. He'll regret it one day, but that's not your problem. Don't live close to him, but for the kid's sake, let him visit them when it is convenient for you. I pray you have family and friends who will support you through this difficult time. It's so sad that he can't see the beauty in your child like you do. He doesn't deserve to be a father. However, your children are blessed to have you for a mother and you can get through this for them. Good luck to you.

i am so sorry. i can hear your pain. what a very difficult thing to face.
it sounds as if he has made up his mind and is not operating from a place of emotional overreaction. so you really do need to face that this is what he wants.
you may find that there are benefits to it. if you get along well, enjoy your intimate times and don't fight, this reduction in his stress might make him a more patient understanding dad. i'm glad he is so close to your daughter.
but such a hard thing to work out.
i don't have any answers, but my heart goes out to you. good luck.
khairete
S.

It sounds to me like he just wants to be a parent when it is easy and convenient, and leave all the challenges and hard work 100% to you. I would NOT agree to his "deal." He thinks he can skate in and out the kids lives and set up some peaceful oasis to retreat to when you and your children need him more than ever? I'd tell him if he wants out, to pack up and leave, now. Then go see an attorney. I'd seek full custody with only supervised visitation because of his admitted "inability" to handle parenting. I would tell him sorry, you're not the kind of adult role model I will allow my daughter to continue to see as a father figure. If he walks away from his son, he walks away from all of you. I'm so sorry you are going through this! I do hope you will take the others good advice about seeking additional assistance for your son and some respite care for yourself.

I agree with AM D & I applaud you for being able to handle all of this without losing your own mind. I have been & am in both of your shoes. I have handled most of the responsibilities with the kids (including one with severe eczema that has been going through 9 months of steroid withdraw flares and needs round the clock attention), the finances, & the house while my husband tends to distance himself from stress, I worry myself to death when it comes to stress. In order to keep my sanity my husband & I separated & he takes the kids 3 days a week. While having time to myself I was able to get my mind back somewhat right & am now focused on finding a cure or at least a natural treatment for my son. I don't like being away from my kids 3 days a week either, but the pressure from son's condition gets to be unbearable quite often, so my husband & I trying to work on living back together & him helping out more to make it work.
We too went to counseling which didn't do anything for me because it's not that I don't know ways to handle the situation, it's that I can't bare seeing my son the way that he is right now. I have even had thoughts of giving my husband full custody of him while I take full custody of my other child. I think that he can better handle him because his parents & sibling are always there to help him out. I think when you have alot of support from friends, family, or professionals it makes it alot more easier to deal with a child with special needs.

Ok - I'm having a very passionate response to this cause he's being SO selfish.

You need to lay into him for all you're worth. He's being a selfish a-hole. You're a parent for better or for worse. How would HE feel if he had a stroke and you left him cause it was too tough to deal with. SERIOUSLY? IF he can't be a husband and a father for REAL - 24/7, then he doesn't get to be one when it's convenient.

If he loves you like you say he does, then he needs to REALLY deal with his feelings in counseling and stand by you and HIS SON. Now, there is a possibility that he feels like a failure because his son is not perfect. I've never dealt with this, but I've heard about it. If that's the case, he needs to deal with it. Generally when a man is "very calm" when discussing an emotional issue, he is feeling anything BUT calm - he's actually very disturbed/freaked out, etc.

I hope things work out.

This is so, so sad, TJ, and I have such tender feelings for you and your son. In my six-plus decades, I have known at least four dozen families that have suffered deep regret over having had certain children, often over the stress and expense of dealing with long-term medical or neurological problems. The shock is long and deep when the dreams we have of parenthood don't come true….

Nobody really knows how much they can take, and life has taken so many people by surprise. Your husband may have terrible guilt or shame over his inability to cope. He may simply have a wall separating off those feelings. Whatever, he has expressed his regret that he has this child. Those are his feelings, and there is probably nothing you can do to get inside his head and heart to change him.

So work with your own feelings. This is a shock, and will take some time and dedicated effort to process. Continue seeing a counselor, for yourself alone if your husband won't be part of that. Continue being the best mom you know how to be. You may be surprised to come out the "other side" of this a stronger and even happier person. I'm sure that doesn't look possible right now, but it happens to people all the time.

There is a line of inquiry that I have found extremely helpful when facing enormous disappointments in my life. It's not for everybody, but if you are interested in contemplating it, visit www.TheWork.com for an unusual and powerful emotional tool.

I wish you the very best.

My jaw was on the floor as I read this. I don't think I could say it any better than Julie B did.

And I would start putting away money now to help take care of your two kids. This is why I posted a question earlier about how many wives had money put away in case something like this happened. Most of the moms acted like I was a horrible woman with one foot out the door. Things happen, and along with actual and mental preparation, you have to have have financial. Seek counseling for yourself as well. I am so sorry you have to go through this.

What I am understanding is he wants you to do the heavy lifting (being the parent, handling eveything from meals and chores to displine and caregiving) and allow him to visit...is that correct? He wants to be a dad only when it's easy (for your daughter who doesn't have these issues and when the urge hits him for your son). He wants the best of both worlds.

I guess you can't stop him if that is what he wants but he doesn't want to be a father...he wants to be an uncle or friend to the children. Where would this leave you....divorced, separated, or married? If the answer is married...how do you feel about being married to him if he is taking this approach and forcing basically a single parenthood on you? I would want to be done with him because a man that doesn't want to be a father to his children (bio or step) isn't someone I want to be with. If you would be divorcing, how would he be when the time came for you to date?

I do have to give him credit for not saying these things to or in front of the children. But kudos to you for remaining calm with your son...it can't be easy.

First, ALWAYS remember your son is a blessing and every life on this earth has a purpose...otherwise we would not be here. Unfortunately, you are a way stronger person than you husband. Apparently, he never made you aware of his weaknessess. It is his loss that he doesn't appreciate your son's life and you should continue to him embrace him when he has his tantrums. It is very patient and strong of you to deal with your son the way that you do. Nothing beats mother's instinct!! Of course, it is sad that you will no longer have your husband as a partner because you sincerely love and care for husband. BUT, in the end...he walked out on his family and he will pay for that either on earth or in another lifetime. No bad deed goes unpunished. Continue to be positive and stay strong for your kids and yourself. There is a brighter light at the end of the tunnel. Best wishes!

I know there are lots of other responses and hope this isn't too repetitive. I'll keep it short:

One, insist he get a full medical workup NOW to see if he is depressed. I might also suggest a new counselor since the one you have been seeing to help your husband cope clearly is not helping him cope within the family unit. You both also need to continue some form of couples counseling or you will not be married much longer, whether or not you have neighboring condos.

Two, immediately find a family support group for families of autistic children. He would benefit from meeting men who are in the same situation as he is -- dads of autistic children. His son is not the little boy he expected, so those fantasies he may have had of playing ball with his son, doing this or that, watching him in the Pinewood Derby or whatever the fantasy was are not going to happen and he cannot accept that. He needs to learn to find some happiness in the reality that you already have found.

He needs to get a reality check but not from you -- he sees you as his imperfect son's mom, not as his wife or partner right now. He needs that reality check from other men who are exactly where he is and who have figured out that the dad fantasy doesn't have to play out just one way.

I'm not sure I'd want a guy that wants to take off on his special needs son but I would say that, if you haven't already, you should call your local school district and any agency that your pediarician can suggest to see what kinds of therapy your son might be eligible for as well as training for you and your husband. Dealing with an autistic child is different in some respects but also the same, in some respects. I mean all kids have tantrums, not just autistic kids. Did your son have ABA therapy when he was younger? You have indicated that he is high functioning so I would think it is possible to discipline and it is possible to have routine in the household and given how much of the work you are already doing, I'm surprised that your husband finds the situation so unmanageable. So, as far as what I would do at this point? I'd take a hard look at myself to see if he has any points with any truth to them that I could work on to make a more stable household including getting any training that would help me with building stability, discipline, independence, diet protocol, communication skills for my autistic child, and then I would make sure I was taking advantage of every possible behaviorial therapy, speech and occupational therapy program available for my son and I would also make sure that I had put the effort into a unified, educated strategy to raise, manage and discipline my son that both parents could mutually commit to and if all that is in place then I would take a hard look at my partner and decide if I really wanted to be with someone that is mandating you to maintain 2 separate households because in spite of taking all necessary steps to accomodate your son's neurodiversity and raise him with responsible parenting, your spouse just can't handle it. Many hugs to you in trying to work this out.

OMG I understand that he is stressed! But HELLO Where does he get off just leaving. We ALL know a whole feakin' continent that is stressed of late by their situation in life. If ANYONE should get to pack up and leave (shirking their responsibiliteis and lot in life) they should! WHERE THE H - E - Double HOCKEY STICKS did he get the idea that he's above it all?

I don't think this is about you and your parenting style at all! Sure we can all do better and strive to but I don't think you should look for fault in what you are doing. YOU are there. He doesn't sound like he's been pulling his weight for awhile now. DON'T let him off the hook even more. If he wants to leave it should be for good and if he contributes nothing he gets nothing. Good bye good riddens, too bad so sad, You and your children deserve Better and can make a better life without him and basically already have.

I am so sorry! Your husband is being soooooo selfish..It's not easy of course for either one of you. What a coward. Parents just can't walk away. I sure hope things can get worked out. What does he expect..I see the writing on the wall...He walks away and meets someone new and starts over??? I highly doubt he will go out of his way should he move out to be a father to his son. What does the counselor say? Start there before any decisions are made. Also what about an autism support group for parents??? I am sure there are mothers and fathers who feel this way too but a support group on ways to cope and have positive outlook would surely help.

I don't know what it is like to raise a special needs child, so I can't be sure of how either of you really feel. What I immediately thought when I read this is that your husband lacks any sense of empathy for you or your son. (Maybe it is depression, maybe that is just how he is.) As a mother it would be very hard for me to understand that. Does he not consider what life must be like for his son?

Then I thought about what it means to be a family. Your husband could be in an accident tomorrow and end up with brain damage, or he could be diagnosed with a debilitating illness like ALS or Parkinson's. I wonder what he thinks will happen when he is the one in need of love and care and empathy? Why should he expect to receive it if he can not give it? I had this thought because he seems to want to receive "some" parts, the good parts, of being a family, but not deal with the hard stuff. Life just does not work that way and we never know when we will be the ones the need the grace and love bestowed on us by others.

So, if I were you I would get a lawyer. I would not do the townhouse thing. I would make sure that said lawyer made an iron clad, legal case for the life-long financial support of your son. I would not allow you husband to "pick" the good child to have a relationship with, but not the other child. That sends a twisty, mixed message and will ensure years of therapy for all involved. He needs to treat each child with equal love and respect, even if how the love is expressed is different...which is why I would not go for the townhouse idea. Eventually your son would figure out, on some level, that "I am so bad that dad can't live in the same house as me." No child should have to deal with that.

And oh yea, your husband seriously needs to grow up. (I could not resist.)

You are in my prayers.

Hon, I'm so sorry for your troubles. You've got a lot on your plate.

I think you can salvage this. The two condos idea could actually be a great idea. I know two married couples who do this (no high needs kids, either), and it is their ticket to happiness, believe it or not. You two have so much good between you, I think what your husband really needs is his own space and quiet. Try not to see the two condos as a bad thing--it could really work out for you all....and no divorce!

Also know this: once the kids are out of the house, marital happiness skyrockets!

I'm sorry, but I'm having very, very negative thoughts here. If my husband did this, I would absolutely insist on continuing the counseling. Talk to your counselor by yourself as well as with him. Your husband wants to be a family man but without any particular responsibility. He wants to be part of the family but he doesn't want to live with you. He is sorry he has his son but he says he wants to see him. He sorta wants to be a dad but he doesn't want to be... your husband? Is there something else going on?

Wow. Um. This is mind-bogglingly selfish of your husband. Hugely selfish!

Okay, now that I've gotten that out, I can kind of empathize with you. My husband has some mental health issues, and he's stressed out no matter what, it seems. While he clings desperately to me and our 3 kids, he acts like he just can't handle living with us. If a kid spills something, he starts hyperventilating and yelling at the kid. The other night, he decided our kitchen floor was "disgusting" and used our FloorMate to "mop" it. Two days later, he was super upset that there were crumbs on the floor after dinner. I didn't tell him that the baby had spilled milk on the floor and I'd wiped it up, or that we'd vacuumed up crumbs twice since he mopped.

He also literally starts having panic attacks when things aren't in their place. If you can imagine a house with 3 boys ages 7 to 1, a lot of things are out of their places a lot of the time. DH lets this prevent him from helping get the kids dressed, teeth brushed, baths given, pajamas on, stories read, and put to bed. He does none of it because things aren't perfect in the bathroom and the boys' bedrooms.

I think this sounds a lot like your husband because, I guess, my husband is a fair-weather father. As long as things are how he pictured them in his head, he's happy. But if something isn't perfect, he stresses out WAY more than is normal, and runs away from reality.

Another thing that reminds me of my husband is that my husband doesn't really take the time to research the special problems our sons face (our oldest just skipped a grade, and the other two are quite likely gifted, too) and won't listen to me when I try to tell him about the research I've done. He tries to handle the kids like most ignorant people would. For example, I researched the effects of grade-skipping on gifted children for weeks. I sent him one article (the best one that summarized all the information I'd found in those weeks). When I tried to talk to him about it, he spewed forth all the widely-held societal myths that the article I'd sent him de-bunked. But he didn't even open that article. He was dead-set against what my research and my heart told me was the best route for our son (much like you believe your way of handling your son's fits is the best way). Luckily for my son, DH's favorite sportscaster had skipped the same grade as a kid. DH emailed him to ask if it was a good idea to skip our son, and the sportscaster said yes, it probably was. I was so mad! Well, grateful that he was on-board with the grade change, but come on! He wouldn't read my one article (I tried to make it so easy on him!) but he gets his advice on raising our son from a SPORTSCASTER?

The fact that he is calm means that he's made up his mind, and he thinks it is the perfect solution....for HIM. He can avoid the unpleasant aspects of real life by dumping even more of them on you, but can stay married to you and keep the happy times with his son and your daughter. ----- The first time I confronted my husband about getting help for his disorder, he tried to keep me from leaving him by filing for legal separation. I know, it's counterintuitive (or crazy, one of the two!) The legal separation let him file a restraining order against me, so I couldn't leave the state with our children. He knew I wouldn't leave without the kids, so he effectively kept me from leaving. I had to go talk to a lawyer, who told me what I just told you. He said that my husband was only looking out for himself. He wanted to stay married for all the perks of marriage, but eliminate all the bothersome stuff, like working on his problems. Hot dinner in the evening, sex, and family time, without any of the responsibility. Sounds great, right? FOR HIM! It would have totally screwed me over.

And that reminds me of what your husband is proposing.

Frankly, I wish my husband would be up for a solution like this. Some couples where one has Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (like my husband has) actually buy neighboring houses. The wife and kids live in one house, the husband in the other. The husband can keep his house exactly how he likes it, and the wife and kids can live like normal people (with the flexibility that children require). Honestly, I think that is the only way my marriage could last.

But your husband doesn't have a disorder, at least not that I'm aware of. And you said that your relationship is great, so there's no advantage to you if he were to move out.

I don't know why he's running away from his problems. Maybe he just needs a break?

Because I have been unable to understand my husband's behavior for years, I absolutely depend on a counselor to help me sift through the strange stuff and find the truth. I suggest that before you do anything, you speak with a counselor. But try coming up with a plan. Plans help me feel better about my life. Write down what you want to say to your husband, then run it by your counselor. He/she can help you decide what is reasonable and what is not, what is just you crying out in your pain, and what is actually going to help your husband (hopefully) come to his senses.

Coming from where I am, which is not where most people are coming from, I would tell him:

(1) I love you very much, and I don't want you to move out. I think it would be bad for our relationship.

(2) When you signed up to be a parent, there were no escape clauses. A father is forever. I'm trying to understand how you're feeling about this, and I want you to be happy, but I don't want you to run away from this problem.

(3) I am not willing to uproot our children, but if you would like to move out for a little while, we can try it that way. (Then you'll have to work out the details, like if he'll come home after work and eat dinner with you every night, stay until bedtime, etc. Listen to what he wants, but I wouldn't let him have his way with everything. Stand up for your family while trying to help your husband, but don't sacrifice the family or yourself for him).

I am very impatient when it comes to this stuff. I want to tell DH what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling right away, and tell him he's stupid for saying what he says and feeling how he feels. But I have learned over and over again that it pays to run it by your counselor when someone just isn't making sense.

Good luck to you, and let us know what happens.

Wow... I don't think I could stay married to a man who I didn't respect--and leaving his family (even if it's to live down the road) is not admirable at all. I also couldn't continue to be intimate with a man who said this to me--because lord forbid your birth control failed and you get pregnant again!

Unfortunately, I don't know how you could manage the one-on-one care that you give your son as a divorced mother. You'll have to support yourself and your household. Even with spousal support, you will need healthcare for yourself and your daughter. So, you're looking at a FT job and specialized childcare for your son while you work.

Personally, I'd tell him "hell no you can't leave this family!". If the marriage is over, that's one thing... You all can start sleeping in separate rooms. But he is your sons father regardless of where he lives and regardless of whether you are his wife. And it won't be some quickie divorce and he gets to return to his bachelor, no kids life. ("F" no!) Make it clear that any divorce you agree to would take YEARS to sort out and if he tries to push it through sooner, you'll make sure he has custody every other day, without you and all by himself. And that divorce will be damn expensive too!

He thinks the grass is greener on the divorced side of the fence. You make sure he knows that grass is yellow and stressful.

It is extremely stressful to parent special needs children. Some parents manage beautifully, many do not. I disagree with those who say your husband is using this as an excuse to get out of the marriage. The fact that he is calm sounds like he has given this a lot of thought and probably can't be dissuaded. I wouldn't like the idea of disrupting the kids and making them move, but perhaps living separately will give your husband the distance he needs. He still wants to see the kids so he is not trying to abandon them.

It may not be FAIR that you are handling so much and he still can't handle the little that is thrown at him, but life isn't fair. I can imagine this situation happening to a lot of couples dealing with special needs kids. Your husband is being honest and trying to deal with it as best he can, while staying in the picture.

You sound like an amazing person to hold all of this together. It may take a while to get over the hurt and really understand what he is saying, but I wouldn't do anything rash right now. Try the different households for a while to give yourself a chance to come to grips with this and decide whether you can live with that arrangement, or whether you want a more "present" partner, or none at all.

Added: Did he say he wants to divorce you? I didn't pick that up from your question.

Stress can bring on depression and it sounds to me like he's in full blown depression since he can discuss these things so calmly. He has detached himself from the situation in order to cope and that is classic depression. Most men will not admit it because most think it's all in a person's head and they can just 'get over it'.

Allen, my husband of 26 years just left us right before Christmas. The stress of his job, losing it in 2009, the getting it back for MUCH less pay in 2010, living in a 1300sf 3bdrm apt with 4 of our kids and a grandbaby can be maddening. This led to him withdrawing, which I think most men do, and he reconnected with a high school crush and they had an affair, and I caught them. It was horrible. They are no longer together & he and I are in counseling. He did go on anti-depressants and now sees just how far gone he was and has SO many regrets.

It may take a LOT to convince your husband to seek medical attention because most people suffering from depression don't see it like that, they just think they've always felt this way & this is their truth. My husband was like that, "I've loved her for 30 years, I tried to love you like that'...blah blah but now he sees that it was a lie brought on by his depression.

BUT I also agree with the posts here. He's the one that wants to leave, let him leave. Let him feel the pain of not having you around or your children. DO NOT make it easy on him, we women tend to do that especially when we still love the buttheads. That precious boy is a gift from God no matter what and you sound like a wonderful mother. You and your children don't need the stress that your husband causes, purposely or not.

Discuss counseling with him, family counseling as well but in the end you need to protect yourself and those children.

Best of luck to you, I know how painful this is for you, trust me.

The daughter and grandson were only suppose to be with us for 6 weeks while her husband was in basic training, but an injury she sustained required surgery & the dumb a#$ doctors here took SO long to get her in that they're still here. She had the surgery 2 days before my husband left & has now started physical therapy. So what was suppose to be 6 weeks turned into over a year. BUT you don't want to know that, sorry :)

You have two children already. You do not need three. If he can't handle a difficult situation like a big boy, he is more of a burden to you than you even know. I'm sorry you married a selfish and immature man. I know all too often we find out late that out partners have HUGE failings and we have to determine if we can live with those failings or not.

You try to make you husbands life as easy as possible? You're going to go nuts. You need support. You need to support each other. You shouldn't have to tip toe around him and placate him so that you can have a smooth marriage, our marriages should be our refuge.

You can offer him this: Take a 7-10 day vacation every year. Just you and him to reconnect, regroup, etc. Perhaps he feels it's too much of a grind and if you can find something to break up the constant care cycle that he really looks forward to (and you!) it might incentive him to sink in and feel like he can carry on.

Otherwise, I'd offer that you might want to really rethink the desperate feeling of wanting to save this thing. Sometimes we get so caught up in trying to make things right, we don't realize how really wrong they are, you know?

I am sorry but what a freakin' jerky thing to do. You don't leave your kid bc he/she is too much trouble. So wrong on so many levels and I am so sorry you are being put in this position. I mean really what if you couldn't handle it? Could you just leave and let his child become an orphan or ward of the state? I had a sister with Rett Syndrome which is on the autism spectrum and things like this really just makes my blood boil. I do know that living with a special needs childs has it's challenges but really, the child doesn't get to walk away even though it is the hardest on them. I really truly hope your man has a change of heart and that something breaks through to him, this is his son, forever. I know I am coming down kind of hard on him but ultimately the person who will suffer the most in all of this is him. He will miss out on really getting to father his own child and years down the road will have loads of regret to work through or get swallowed up by. You will be ok, however it all goes down. My mom raised us alone, well with God's help! But there was no man in the picture, it would have been so much better to have a husband to help her but she did a truly great job! I just wish you the best and I hope somehow your hubby gets his head on straight and just turns this craziness aside. My advice is keep loving him, even though he has gone bananas, keep praying for him and keep up the counseling if he is willing. Ultimately you cannot make him do the right thing of course, I just hope he gets it together for all or your sakes. Wishing you all the best, hang in there!

I cannot image how difficult this must be for you. You don't say if you are religious, but I would suggest you pray about it and follow your heart.

I will say this, although it appears to not be the popular response: Your husband has been honest with you about how he feels and what he wants. He has not lied to you, abandoned you, cheated on you, or abused you. I understand that you have needs, your children have needs, but so does your husband. He has been honest with you, even though his honesty has caused you extreme pain.

Think about what is best for your children, yourself, and your husband. Personally, I do not believe that children benefit from having a full time parent that does not want to be there. It is better to have visits that can be happy times rather than having tension and unhappiness in the home constantly.
Maybe staying married but living separately (but close to each other) is the answer. Maybe it will give your husband what ever it is that he is seeking so that he can be happy and contribute to your family in a positive way.

If it were me I'd pray about it, think about it, and talk to my husband calmly about it some more. I love my husband more than life, and if I were in your situation I would ask him if this was the only option to keeping our marriage together. If he said yes, then I'd do it because for me there is no life without my husband.

P.S. If your daughter and husband have a good relationship and are close, I would allow him to see her no matter what happens. I think she would benefit from it and so would he.

This must be really hard to take in and I'm sorry you are in the position you are in. Give yourself some time to digest what he's saying. However, it seems strange to me that he doesn't want to deal w/ his son, but wants to live close enough to see him. When you have kids you are their parent no matter what. If you can't deal with it - don't. None of this halfway stuff... That would be my emotional reaction. However, I know it's not so simple right? You do want your kids to have a relationship with their Dad/SD... I would suggest you find a counselor so you can talk it through with someone who can help you sort out what YOU want and need and what is best for you and your children. I wish you the very best. Take it one step at a time.

As a few moms said: HE is the one that needs to leave. He's the one to deal with all the stresses of a move and the changes. It's HIM that wants things to be different. You stay where you are, get child support and move on. This will probably be better for you and your children because you won't have to be concerned with being held back from being the parent YOU want and need to be.

You sound like a really great mom and person. It's a shame this is happening, but a mom needs to do what is best for child AND her. I wish you the very best.

i just read your post and my first thought before reading your so what happened was "let his a$$ leave then". i don't like to post on things where people ask what to do when people want to leave etc. bc it's no ones place to say so, but really, he regrets having a child because he's autistic? it's not like your child has a fatal disease that he will be in pain with and you feel guilty, your child's life is not threatened. you shouldn't have to worry about someone taking care of him after your gone because he's high functioning. this sounds like male ego and my kids not perfect so i don't want him. WTH! so your kid has meltdowns. so do mine and mine aren't autistic. if it were my husband, i'd tell him to make sure the condo he got was as far away as possible and don't bother with seeing anyone he was too ashamed of seeing on a regular basis or taking care of like a father should. shame on him!

My husband did the exact same thing with our 2 kids who are NOT autistic! Basically, you have to make him realize and believe that the saying is true - Hell hath no fury as that of a woman scorned! This is pathetic, irresponsible, and a complete and utter cop-out. You are right in staying calm with him. Getting mad will make things worse for any kid - especially an autistic child. Do not let him get away without taking care of his responsibilities. He asked you to have this child, and now because he "can't handle it" he's going to leave you high and dry so he can go off and live in bachelorhood?? I let my husband know that no matter where he went (and he is in the active Army), I would be in the house next door. I would make it my life's goal to make his life as miserable as possible and still be within the law. And I let him know it wouldn't end when the kids were 18. After much soul searching my husband finally saw the light. He's WONDERFUL now. The problem is they liked the IDEA of a kid, but when reality finally came to be they decided they didn't like it and wanted to leave us stuck with the responsibility. I love my children more than anything. If I had to care for them on my own I could and would. But I wouldn't let him go off and have his free life. No way, no how.

I read your post, but did not read the responses. Being a mother of two and faced with difficult situations, I can say that being a mom is a full time job and I can't imagine your challenges. I do know that sometimes as a mother we forget about our husbands because we are so concentrated on the kids. Have you guys done marriage consueling together? It sounds to me like what he is saying is that your son is taking time away from your marriage and he doesn't know how else to repair it but to walk away. Do you guys go out anymore? Is it possible for you to get in home care for your son to help you out? From what I learned in marriage consueling with my husband is that it has to start with you and your husband. Without the two of you there is no marriage and no family. And you have to put the marriage first. Has your husband tried to read about your son's condition? Maybe if he understood a little more then he might see why you handle him the way you do. I hope the best for you and I hope your husband wakes up and sees that you two can work together to fix the underlying problem instead of walking away. Good luck!! In the end if he ultimately wants to walk, like you said you can just concentrate on your kids. I hope this helps.

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. This is a child, and children are not possessions that you can trade in for a better model. He is a selfish a hole. I would tell him he better get the hell out, and no I would not be moving anywhere else just to suit him. Sounds like he wants to only be there for the good times, and that is just not the way life works. Tell him to get out, and don't let the door hit him on the way out, then I would get a lawyer involved asap, and file for sole custody.

does he want a divorce or to stop your relationship? it seems that way...?? If so I'm sorry, but youand your son deserve better!

well, you're def not alone. I saw this story once on Dr Phill. it was painful to watch and listen. I really am sorry for what your husband wants to do, that is just jaw dropping. Looks like you got great advise. Best of luck to you, God bless you and your children!

I was just heart broken for you all day today after reading your story.

Do you really think he is being honest? Or have you noticed the awful self-centered, borderline sociopathic mind set before?

He is not a man of his word. He is such a coward for even recommending his goofy living close but separate alternative as it seems like such a cover up for his real intentions.

Others have posted this is his first attempt at being honest with you and his son's diagnoses. I highly suspect that he is totally lying. There are plenty of parents and step parents of autistic children who go to the extreme to ensure their kids are loved, and nurtured and cared for. He's dumped so, so much on your shoulders already with everything you describe that you do for your marriage.

Did you have any clues before this that his inability to cope with less than perfect situations, was for him to bolt and completely escape the circumstances?

Also, I don't recommend making this 'difficult' on him like you threatened. But you must educate yourself and demand what is fair. You will be saddled with the bulk of the care for the rest of your child's life. Since he is high functioning, that will increase his odds of finding usually menial employment and sometimes something wonderful. There are many autism centers that train their adults to become functioning and productive members of society. But that's a long way off for you right now.

You need to get an attorney ASAP for your protection and safety and security and come up with a plan. Don't overreact. Your husband sounds cold and calculated about this. That is a rather scary emotional place to be abandoned in.

On a final note, I sure wish there was some website to post the names of these types of guys so future women could be forewarned.

You have received great responses. I have one question I would ask him if I were you (Obviously, you wouldn't seriously ever mean this question) - what if YOU wanted to leave too? Then what? Somehow, in his deluded mind, it's okay for him to leave, so why not you? Why does he think you should hold the entire burden of raising a child on your shoulders, let alone a child with special needs? What if you were as weak as him? Would he just give the child up? Any other responsibilities he'd like to run away from? I'm happy to hear you're not going to make it easy on him. He clearly can't handle things unless they're easy, so you be just as calm and show him how incredibly difficult things are going to be without you there to hold everything together.