Depression and Spouse Doesn't Get It

Sweetie your husband is not your parent. You are an adult, go to a therapist. You know what you need, and he doesn't. He is wrong, plain and simple.

If you had symptoms if diabetes or heart disease, would you try to tough them out or would you go see a doctor who could actually treat you? If your child had all the signs of strep throat, would you tell him or her to stop whining and deal with it or would you go to the pediatrician and get some antibiotics?

You don't need to justify your own medical care to your husband - your mental health is as important as the physical health of you or anyone in your family. Call your primary care physician, ask for a recommendation (or ask friends if they know if anyone good), make an appointment and go. You shouldn't have to waste your time or energy talking to an unenlightened, unsupportive clueless fool of a man who doesn't get that depression is an illness, not a bad mood or a choice.

Please just get the help you need and let the results speak for themselves. You owe your kids a happy and emotionally stable mommy, and you owe yourself the gift of good mental health.

What if your family is a big part of the problem - what then?

Go . . . you don't need his permission.

I can see "not believing" in the Easter Bunny...or Santa Claus.
But depression is a very real medical condition. How can you not "believe in" a fact?
Is he living under a rock?

YOU get yourself to a therapist. Do you need his approval?
Surely you have a health care card? You can do this on your own. Your PCP can recommend someone for you.
Sounds like he might be afraid of the social stigma of his wife having depression.

Here are some FACTS for him. Hope it helps.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001941/

Good luck!

Your husband is misguided about therapists. My daughter is a Marriage and Family Therapist, and she has always had a level head. If you are indeed clinically depressed, you will need to see a good Psychiatrist for proper diagnosis. I have had Bipolar Disorder for 17 years, and will need to be medicated for the rest of my life. Depression isn't being sad; There is a chemical problem with the brain. Most Psychiatrists recommend conseling along with medical treatment. Since your husband clearly does not understand the problem, you may need to go to the Dr. by yourself at first. You must take care of yourself no matter what ANYONE else says. Eventually, you can take your husband with you to appointments. He needs to read about depression. Please don't be afraid to get help. Your health is important! Hope you are feeling better soon!

You need to see a therapist for you, and more than likely cannot make him understand this. Once you begin seeing a therapist he or she can help you see the need to take care of you as you cannot be responsible for what he believes.

I went through a deep depression before I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. My husband was like yours, didn't see anything wrong with me and told me to shake it off and stop being lazy. He threw me out for "not helping him" and cheated on me :-/ So we are no longer together.

I spent so much time worrying about how to convince him that I truly needed help, and in the long run my therapist helped me to see I can't change anyone's perception of me, and I have to take care of me. My family is there for me, but they couldn't help me like my therapist could, I believe she was able to help me see things clearly because she was totally objective, whereas my family is subjective, having been used to me for so long.

Tell your husband that if you are able to see a therapist your hope is that you will be a better wife and mother, maybe this will hit a nerve with him.

Best wishes and God bless!

I agree with OneAndDone. Don't worry about what he thinks just get to one. Once you get yourself on track he should realize he was wrong. Sounds like you will need meds to help you with that since it's that bad. Don't worry about him take care of yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good luck and God Bless!

My husband and I graduated college, got married, moved across the country, experienced parents in Hospice care twice, lost 3 parents (one long-term illness, one fairly sudden illness & death, and one suicide), had two children, moved across the state, had 2-3 new jobs each, been laid off and unemployed for 8 months during our second pregnancy, and started our own business all in the last 12 years.

To say it has been a stressful time is an understatement. We have both been feeling it and dealing with it in our own ways. When things finally got to be too much for my DH, I suggested he see someone. Just to talk. Just to get it out. He refused. Soon the stress/grief got to me too....partly because he was bottling it up and refusing to talk to me or anyone else about it. I finally decided to see a therapist on my own. It was the BEST thing I could have done for myself. I saw her less than 10 times total. It helped tremendously...not only me, but my DH also! I would tell him some of the things she said to me that helped. I didn't tell him everything. But just by improving MY life, I have improved OUR life.

You shouldn't need to CONVINCE him that it is okay for you to go. You should just DO IT, if you think it will help. It is YOUR life. Make it the BEST you can. Only YOU can do that! He can come along for the ride, or not. YOU are in charge of YOUR LIFE.

Best of luck.

I used to think like your husband and didn't get help when I needed it. I had also been to a couple of counselors that were not a good fit for me and that didn't improve my opnion of therapists.

Now I see a woman who is truly gifted as well as skilled in her work. She has helped me immensely. Like any other profession, not all therapists are the same.

You need professional help. Sooner, not later. Start with your family or woman's health doctor. He/she can run some labwork to make sure you don't have a thyroid or other health problem. And then, your doc can refer you to a therapist. Perhaps your husband will be more accepting if a professional recommends that you go. Even if he is not convinced... go. Tell him you realize that he doesn't understand but that this is important for you. Sometimes other people don't get it and we have to take care of ourselves.

Hi Sunny D,
First of all, I respect you very much for wanting to seek help and choosing to do so even if obstacles are in your way.

There are people in life who may not understand one's need to seek professional counselling. Maybe they are afraid of any changes in you or that perhaps they need to go. Their motives are not your concern.

I personally think your first concern is to take care of you. I am not sure you need your husband's permission to go. I don't think he needs to approve. I think if you want and need to go, go ahead and do it. The act of going may be empowering in and of itself...and that is a first step in fiting any depression.

sometimes depression is chemical. sometimes it is anger suppressed. sometimes it is both. or a range of all of this.

I would find the best help I could. Realize not everyone will approve. But it is not everyone's business. Just yours.

From experience with my family....if you want the extra help. go for it. don't look back. it is a gift you give yourself.

please keep us updated.

jilly

p.s. as for sharing with your husband. you can share with him lovingly and calmly that you love him and value his advice and opinion. and that going to therapy is something you need to do for yourself. just like a good diet and exercise and going to the gym. this is for your health. You can respect that he may disagree, and hope he can respect your choice even if he does not like it.

in a perfect world things would work as your husband wishes. but people are just not that neat.
i suffered from depression for several years when my boys were small. still have no clue what brought it on, or for that matter what lifted it. but it sucked royally while i was in the midst of it.
some therapists have issues, but he's really got no basis to dismiss them all that way. some doctors are utter quacks too, but if you break your leg, you go see one, right?
i fell into help quite by accident. my gyn was convinced my weight gain was due to depression. i thought he was nuts but willing to go along with anything that helped. he prescribed fen-phen, which we now know was a Bad Drug, but omg, it sure worked well for me! and when it got pulled off the market he switched me to fen-pro, yes, every depressed girl's BFF, prozac. for the first time in years i felt like ME again.
get help, hon. if it means better living through appropriate medication for a while, do that. try a therapist (get recommendations!) and see if that works. but your family, beloved as they are, are not medical or psychiatric professionals. the same way you'd call a plumber if your toilet broke or a cop if someone was breaking into your house, you need a trained professional to guide you through the dark period.
there IS sunshine on the far side!
good luck. i'm rootin' for ya.
khairete
S.

Oh don't you love it when people think the cure to depression is to just change your way of thinking, or think happy thoughts? I don't have any advice except that if you think you need help go get help. Don't worry about what your hubby thinks. Yeah it sucks that he is not being supportive, and good for you for reconizing that you need help, but you need to take care of yourself, and if that means therapy go for. Just make sure you find a therapist that you like.

If you had a heart condition, your husband would want you to see a cardiologist, right? If you had cancer attacking your body, he'd want you to find the best oncologist possible, right? He wouldn't administer some at-home concoction, would he? You have a condition attacking you, and you need the help of a professional who knows how to treat your condition. Your family has a role in this...their role is to be as supportive as possible in helping you get the care you need. If he loves you, he shouldn't want to see you suffering when help is available. Plus, if the professional is able to help, it will make your husband's life more joyful, too.

I have a college friend that has depression.
They were going out for a long time before they got married.
Her Boyfriend and now Husband, attended therapy with her.
She needs medication sometimes.
Its not easy on their relationship, but he himself got "educated" on depression in order to understand what she is going through.

Your Husband, has to be open to that. To learn... about it.
Or he will not deal with it.

Your Husband, is very wrong... for calling you names.
It is hurtful.
He does not seem to have any compassion.
He is cold about it.

I really don't know how he will come to terms with this, until HE sees that he also needs help.

I have been there, but mine was related to my hormones after having my daughter and went away on it's own. For some reason, some men can't understand depression. Please, get some help. Speak to your physician. I have some aunts that suffer from depression and all they needed was some medication. I am by no means an expert, but don't ingnore your depression. There's no reason to live every day miserable. A lot of times depression is a chemical imbalance in the body. It's a place to start. You can always go to a thearapist, also. I hate to say it, but most people cannot understand depression unless they've experienced it themselves. Best of luck to you.

Agree to disagree with your husband on this matter and make an appointment to see a doctor. The longer you delay, the longer you will continue with this high level of depression. He doesn't understand and some people don't. You don't need and should not need someone's approval to take care of yourself and/or to see a doctor.

Talk to your medical doctor and go from there.

I have done both. There are needy therapists as well as needy people. There are relatives who are truly helpful and there are therapists who charge a lot of money and pastors in churches who don't and therapists who don't and so on and so on. This sounds personal and unless it's out of your husband's wallet, you are the one who feels out of sorts. The truth is he is worried that you will blame him and hence: leave him. At least that is how most people are when they are discouraging you from seeing a therapist. The other factor of course is money and then finally, yes indeedy, men think we should all 'man' up and handle it ourselves. If there are problems such as chemical imbalances, a little medication might help. If it is lifestyle or food problems then we make changes, such as more veggies, exercise, etc. and see what happens there. And seriously no one is happy all of the time, and people also go through losses which can change things. I don't have a valid argument for or against, only this: let him know how much you love and care for him and that you just want to feel better.

If you wanted to you could go to the doctor and get a prescription for antidepressants and start with them. You wouldn't even have to tell your husband you are on them. See if they will help with out going to a therapist. I have seasonal depression now and for years dealt with clinical depression. The pills helped me out so much with out going to a therapist.

Once you are on the pills and if they aren't helping you all the way and you realize you need a therapist, then I would find one and go. You can tell your husband that while I value your point of view I hope you can value mine as I know what I need for me. If nothing else tell him I will compromise and if there is no difference after x amount of months then I will stop going but if it is helping then I will continue to go until I feel Im where I need to be. Let him know this is what you need for yourself to be able to be a whole person and he and the kids deserve the best of you.

Good luck and I hope it gets better soon.

Hello friend. In dealing with my depression and anxiety, I can tell you that professional help did what no one in my family could for me. Your husband may never understand, and that is why you have to just pick up the phone and make that appointment FOR YOU. Maybe he doesn't mean to, but he's holding you back from being happy. Why do you need his "permission" or "approval" to see a therapist? It's great that you're involving him in your decision but if he's against it and you feel that you need it, then you need to do it, cause like i said he will never understand. I think that what i would do, is tell him, "i'd like to let you know that I've decided to seek help, I know that you think I don't need it, but only I know how I feel inside and I know I need help. All I ask is that you support me as I feel that this will benefit our relationship greatly. I don't want to be talked out of my decision, because it was a hard one to make in the first place, but I would really REALLY appreciate your support." I wish you the best and I'm happy for you that you are seeking help.

Have you seen a doctor?

Have you spoke to your PCP? I'd talk to your PCP and go from there. Do you think if your PCP recommended it your hubby might be a little more receptive to the idea of a therapist? Are you against taking any type of meds that may help you? They may be able to give you a low dose of something that may helpyou get through this. Just a suggestion, I have been put on effexor before and found it to be quite helpful. I hope everything works out for you, it is a horrible feeling, I wish you luck! Stay strong and do what is best for you.

I think the biggest argument you can make is that no one knows how you are truly feeling until they go through the exactly same thing. I see a therapist and take Zoloft. I was on Zoloft post-partum with my son (would have been during pregnancy but I was too embarrassed to say anything until very late in my pregnancy). During my 2nd pregnancy I told my dr. how I was feeling and he put me on a low dose. My husband made comments about possibly harming our baby, etc. but never asked about me. It was frustrating. My daughter is fine - she's 2.5 now and is growing/progressing 'normally'. I still suffer from depression and as I said I see a therapist. Depression has to do with chemical imbalances - no one is just going to 'snap out of it' and no one knows what it's like until they experience it. Whether you get support from your husband or not - please see a therapist for YOU. best wishes.

You should see your physician first as depression can be a medical problem.You may have a chemical imbalance. I suffer the symptoms you are describing and they are caused by a hormone imbalance from menopause. You can have a hormone imbalance without going through menopause.It can be caused by traumatic incidences you don't even remember from your childhood. Even though you are functional,it robs you of the joy you should be experiencing. If it isn,t caused by something that has happened recently it is doubtful that it will just go away on it's own.Also,your "family" is not equipped to deal with these issues and really help you. They should be there to support your decision to seek some help.

I have been through something similar. Now, aside from the question of whether you should go to counseling - the answer is YES! - I will respond to your question about how to explain it to your husband. But please, get counseling whether or not he ends up understanding.

It has to do with respecting each other as unique individuals. Just as he may not see the need for you to talk with a professional counselor instead of just family members, he may not understand why you like/dislike certain foods. He might love mushrooms, but you can't stand them. That doesn't mean he is "right" to like mushrooms or you are "wrong" to dislike them, it means that you have different responses to mushrooms. Mushrooms on a hamburger might make him very happy, but would have the opposite effect on you. In the same way, talking to family might very well be exactly the kind of support that he needs. But family support alone is not working for you. Doesn't mean he is right or you are wrong. Just that you are unique, one of a kind individuals - and that's why he loves you, because you are YOU and not a carbon copy of him!

I have had similar discussons with my husband in which I would express a need and after I explained what I needed and why he would say, "Well, I just don't undersand why you need xyz, why can't you just abc?" The response to this is "It's okay that you don't understand. You don't have to understand, you just have to trust that I'm telling you the truth when I say I need this."

Finally, one explanation that might help him understand, even though understanding is not required for him to be supportive, is this: When you unload on family members, whatever was said stays in the relationship for years. If something was said in anger, or while hurting, it can hurt the relationship. If you're one of those people who thinks more clearly out loud, if you're talking to someone who you care about, you're going to do a lot of self-censoring and be more focused on how they will react to what you're saying, and that takes focus away from figuring out what you really think and feel. When you're talking to a counselor, you're in a neutral space, paying for their time, and so you feel freer to say what's really on your mind which is the first step towards figuring out how to move past it.