Tomorrow and Wednesday my daughter is going over to a friends from preschool while I am at work. She has been watched by them before and together we've spent quite a bit of time with them. For the most part the two girls get a long really well and they enjoy getting the time to spend with each other. BUT, I just have a few problems.
Their daughter and my daughter are pretty head strong about what they want to play...and butt heads a lot. Its actually quite amazing to me how much they enjoy each others company because they butt heads that much. Anyway, when we are over there, my daughter will want to play something and her friend won't want to play the same thing or if she does only for a few minutes. I try to tell my daughter that when at her friends she has to sort of follow the lead of her friend because she is at her house. However she ends up tattling a lot. The friends parents try to make the seas calm and make their daughter conform as they think their daughter also needs taught a lesson to do what others want at times too. Ultimately they both need to work on it, but I feel my daughter is being rude. My daughter will also not drink out of certain color of cups while over there. (She is watched by her Grandparents who conform to her likes/dislikes) At home she knows I will not put up with it on certain things. Her friends parents never complain and tend to let my daughter get her way when I am not around to intervene because like I said they think their daughter needs help in this area too.
Anyway, I want to have a good talking with her before taking her over there, (even though I already have) I just need some advice/help on what I should be telling her. I've already told her what behavior I think is rude and how when she is at her friends house it is important to do most of the things her friend wants to do, because that is the polite thing to do. Am I missing anything?
Thank you for the responses and advice...its good to know for the most part she is a typical 4/5 year old. I did end up asking her what I expected of her and she could recite to me the good behavior I was looking for. I do know that her friends parents are capable of working it out however, I just have expectations of my daughter. I realize its mostly the age that brings about this behavior but I feel there is always time for learning. I also think having a talk before hand is better than after wards...at least with her.
She has a cousin the same age as her, so I do deal with this, with her cousin too. I do find most of the time though, her cousin caves and does what my daughter wants to do. I can see her friend will not be one to cave. So, this is why I think its important to have talks with her about not always doing things her way.
You already talk to her know I would let them work it out. Don't be suprised if later on in life there not such good friends if there both the same.
When I stayed at home I used to watch my friend’s son twice a week. My son and this boy were just like what you are describing but most preschoolers behave like this. Each wants to have control over what to do. What I did was give them their day to decide what to do. On Tuesdays our guest got to pick the first activity, then my son got to pick the second our guest the third and so on. On Thursdays my son was first and the other boy picked the second and so forth.
Of course I would write the activities on a board with pictures to make it fun.
When on a Tuesday my Son would say what he wanted to do “first”. I would remind him that it was “Billy’s” turn to pick the activity first and vice versa. I also kept a fun calendar with their names on the days they got to go first.
I felt it was a good way to teach both of them how to share and take turns. They were both receptive to it because they felt that they were gaining some control.
By the way there’s a good book called just that “Share and Take Turns” which I still read to my son from time to time.
Just a thought. Maybe you can talk to your friend about establishing something like this too so both kids can learn =-)
Take a deep breath.... ok let it out. Now just let the other parent handle this. Kids will rise to what is expected of them. If your daughter is over there and the mom gives her a blue glass she will drink form a blue glass. I know when kids are at my house they do what they are told and don't fuss about it. yours will be fine. I think you are a lot more worried about the other mom that she probably is. kids will play or not. if the mom gets tired of the bickering she will put them down for a nap. and thats ok. its not the mom (you or her's) job to make sure every little fuss is worried over and fixed. kids learn to do that themselves. its part of socializing. and yours will be fine. so breath in, breath out and let them have a fun day. the only thing you need to tell her is be good, don't fight and have fun and leave it at that.
Long lectures tend to go over young children's heads. Hmmm. Most older kids', too. Hmmmmmmmm. And most adults.
Warning against rudeness probably won't have as much impact on your daughter as stressing that good manners will get her more of what she needs and wants. By the time a child is four or so, she can recite every bit of advice a parent has given over her lifetime – you can hear it when you role-play a game in which she gets to be the parent.
So I would ask HER what she knows about getting along. Ask her how she should behave. Ask her what she plans to do if she and her friend disagree. You will probably be amazed at how appropriate her ideas are.
And then just trust that butting heads is part of what kids do as they work through the simple realities of life. It sounds like the other parents are pretty okay with working things out, and I would just let them know what manner of correction you are comfortable with them using with your child. I wouldn't worry too much about a concept like "rudeness." No 4 or 5 year old is a model of good behavior yet. It's not realistic to expect them to be. But they're working on it.
Go easy on her, mom. She's a normal preschooler, as is her friend. Of course as the parents, we want and expect our kids to be on their best behavior, but it doesn't sound like she is misbehaving, really. Seems like your daughter's friend's parents have a good handle on things and you both expect your kids to compromise. I don't really see any problems.
Have we ever seen your daughter and mine in the same place at the same time? I think they may be the same kid! LOL
I think your daughter is really, really normal for her age, as is her friend. Sounds like the other mom and dad are handling it well - if your daughter does anything truly awful, I'm sure they will not hesitate to separate the two of them and/or time-out. It's very hard to get preschoolers to be truly polite, especially when they are hanging out with people they know and are comfortable with. My kids are always much better behaved with people they don't know than with us or our close friends.
I would just do as you planned and give her the talking-to beforehand, and also let her know that you're sure that she is going to impress everyone with her excellent behavior. Maybe tell the other parents to let you know if anything happens that you ought to know about (let your daughter hear you say this), and that way you can follow up on any misbehavior later at home. In our house, for every offense during the day at school (or at a friend's house), I take 10 minutes off of bedtime. Once my younger daughter had to go to bed at 6 instead of 8! Boy was she upset about that, but the next day her behavior vastly improved.=)
I'm not sure how old your daughter is but my best advise is to tell her to be nice and follow the rules. That's that. Your friend agreed to watch her and will do as she sees fit with both her and your daughter.
My girls go to friends houses all the time and their friends come here. I think it is a great lesson to teach them that the rules are different everywhere and they need to be followed. The best way to teach them this is to let it happen. I don't hesitate in expecting my daughters friends to pick up their mess when they are at my house nor do I hesitate when my daughter is asked not to run in her friends house.
As far as the girls getting along, they will work it out. My two are head strong as well and yes they fight, but they also figure out ways to get along. What a great lesson in problem solving, and I don't even have to butt in!
Don't worry so much, all is well. If your friend has any major issues she will let you know. This would be the appropriate time for "the talk" with your little one!
One suggestion. Get everyone on the same page. Let grandparents and friends parents know what your rules are and ask that they hold her to the same rules. Continuity is important and she may be testing boundaries. It's going to be less confusing for her if the rules are clear and consistant no matter where she is.
Exactly what Sherry said. Your daughter will do fine. If the other mom has a problem, she will let you know. As the mother of two headstrong girls and the aunt of one extremely headstrong girl, I have lots of experience in this area. They are always better behaved with other people than with you and chances are the other mom will have no problem dealing with the shenanigans of two headstrong little girls.
Also, tell her that you have already talked to the other parents about your expectations for her behavior and you will be talking to them everyday after she has visited to make sure that she has behaved accordingly to your rules. Then follow thru!!!!
Kids usually behave so much better when their parents (and especially mom!) aren;t around, so she may surprise you!
I believe correct etiquette would be for the host to cater to the guest... so for the other little girl to do what your daughter wants to do... but of course you don't want to tell your daughter that! :-) Honestly, I would let your friend deal with it.. .it's her house. In my own house though, I would insist my daughters let their guest pick what to play with.
as for the color cups... I think this is a pick your battle issue. My daughters don't like using certain color cups, and while it drives me berzerk... what's it hurting?
Good luck!!!!!!!! :)
Wow...am I backwards? I have always taught my son to allow the "guest" to take the lead on what they play.
As for what to say to your daughter...I always go with the good old "do unto others" speech.
Good luck!
