Help! My 8 Year Old Daughter's Best Friend Is RUDE!!!

I would tell her why. Someday you will not be able to make these choices for her. Do it while you can and explain to her why.

Your family is YOURS. You need to be an example to your daughter and show her how you expect others to treat both you and her. The next time her friend is rude to you or your daughter-send her home. Let her mother know why. That little girl needs to learn how to treat others. Let your daughter know it is NOT ok to be treated poorly by others, no matter if they say they are their friend. A true friend does not do those things. It doesn't matter WHAT the little girl's mom says. This is YOUR family you are talking about. NEVER feel bad standing up for yourself or your kids. Your daughter is young and needs to know that it is ok to demand respect and true friendship.

Hi,

My name is S. and I just moved here from Sugarland,Tx.
I have a 13 yr old boy, 5 yr girl, 4yr boy, and 18mth boy. I am a stay at home mommy as well. When this little girl comes to your house just inform her that in your house little girls must say please if they want something and ask her after you give her a drink,snack,ect. now what do you say? If she acts confused politely tell her that the word is thank you and that is proper manners and it pleases you when children use their manners. If she blatantly refuses then just don't let her come over anymore.Even though your daughter likes her , it is our job as mommies to help them at this age to choose friends wisely. In the end of it all , your are in charge and the final decision is yours. After all , the longer she is around rude and mannerless little girls it will start to rub off. I had the same dilemma and I just had to tell the little girl that untill she learned my house rules and learned to be nice when playing with my daughter she would not be able to come over anymore. Just my opinion, Good luck with everything.

Hi J.,
Ok, first, YOU are the adult and deserved to be treated with respect in your own home. I had a similiar situation. My oldest is three, her friend aria is 7. Aria is a bit of a mother hen, which does not help when my daughter gets in trouble. I went to take a nap one day not long after my third was born, and my son was taking a nap in his crib, he's one and nearly thirty pounds, but he woke up when i was sleeping. My husband was home and i knew he would come to get our son. Before i knew it my son stopped crying and when i poked my head up from the bed, there was aria, getting my son out of his crib! My husband came at that moment and aria bolted from the room. I told him to tell aria to go home, she had disobeyed my rules, possibly could have hurt herself or my son, and disturbed me to the point that i couldn't go back to sleep. Long story short, in your home you and your husband have set rules for your children, and regardless of the other kids who will undoubtedly drift in and out of your lives, they need to respect you and the rules of your home.
aria still comes over and i still am as sweet as i can be to her, but she knows to follow all the rules that i make my children follow, put your foot down.
now, where the other mom is concerned, map out for her exactly what her child is doing, how she's behaving in your home, etc. then gently tell her that her daughter is more than welcome to come over anytime she'd like as long as she can show you respect and follow the rules of your home. let me know how things work out.
A.
____@____.com
p.s. sorry fot the novel

J.,

I have been through the same thing. I simply said, "We don't allow that behavior in out home."

Sadly the mom was similar in her actions and took it as an attack on her.

Eventually the girls wanted to play so sadly mom relented and saw that it was her daughter (after several other moms said no to play dates after one, and the teacher mentioned behavior)

Again, I told her she was welcome at out house as long as she abide by our manners.

It's a hard road especially at 8.

Good luck!

I would step in! You need to tell her, kindly of course that we don't behave that way in our home. I did day-care and pre-school in my home for 5 years and now work at a private Montissori School. Manners were not an option in my home and the kids got it rather quickly. Jut stern, yet kind reminders go a long way. Perhaps the girl just dosen't get that sort of teaching at home. In my home we have a jar that the kids have to put a quarter in when they don't say please and thank-you, our friends are included in this. (We supply their quarters of course.) It might be a way to bridge the conversation with the girls mommy if she asks about the Manner Jar as well.

Hi J.,

I too would agree that it is your house and you make the rules. In my house I have had this situation and I have had to tell children that is not how we behave. My childrens friends have all become very accustomed to saying please and thank you, they clean up any messes they make and if they sleep over they know that we have scripture reading and prayer. They are welcome to join in or they can wait quietly in another room, but they do respect the rules and always want to stay at our house, not the other way around. Bottom line though is please and thank you's are great, but that physical violence needs to stop. So if you cannot get her to stop doing that, I would put a halt to her being friends with my child. That is not a behaviour you want your child to start using.

J. M, I see you have a lot of responds. And I have to agree with most of them. I also would encourage your daughter to stick up for herself as well, make sure she realizes that some of these rude responds are not appropriate and that she doesn't have to not be her friend but let her know that she disappoves of being treated this way. I have been working on my childern on getting this at 4and5 years old it is hard for them but I want them to learn to let there friends know that they have expectation also. It amazes me to see how much they really do listen to what we have to say. I wish you the best of luck.M.

If the behavior is exhibited at school (as you mentioned) you could talk with the teacher. Perhaps she has noticed (or will after you bring it up) and can discuss the behavior with the other mother (without your involvement). Hope it improves!

It sounds like the little girl has some issues at home that are not being addressed. Maby if she is over at your house you can explain to her that we say please and thank you when asking for this and if she is going to not use her manners then she can not come over until she does.

Hi J.,
I had a similar situation with my son's friend when they were 10. Repeatedly! And, like your situation, the other parents were so nice. But I had a younger son in the house that seemed to get the worst of it any time the boy came over.
I talked with his parents, they were struggling with his behavior at home as well. Finally I told my son if his friend could not abide by the rules in our home that he would not be able to come over any more, but that my son could still see him at school. My son did try to get his friend "under control" at our house (I could overhere the comments) but that didn't work. In the end, the boy no longer visited our house, and we lost touch with the parents because we weren't seeing them all the time anymore.

It was a tough situation, but disrespect and violence are absolutely not permitted in my house, and I am glad I stuck to it! My son has made numerous friends over the years, and we still see the boy, who has turned his life around quite a bit. My husband and I are very happy with the decision we made. Hopefully you will be able to come to a decision you are comfortable with in the end.

Dear J.

My daughter has a friend that acts the same way. I simply took my daughter to the side and explained to her why I didnt like this little girl and also explained to her that I felt that she was not a good influence on her. I asked my daughter not to invite her over anymore. My daughter was upset at first, but now realizes that I was right. At school none of the kids want to play with this rude girl because she is mean and nasty. Explain the importance of being respectful to your daughter and why this little girl isnt the right friend for her. She will understand.

The only control you have over this girl is when she is over your house. I would tell her how you expect her to act when she's at your house or else she will be unable to come over. This girl probably is yearning for someone to tell her something. She's probably ignored at home and this is the only way she can get attention. Again, if it were me, I would take her aside and tell her the rules of behavior when she's at your house. It's your right and your children are the most important. Good luck.

When your daughter's friend is with you, remind her to be polite the same way you would with your own kids. Don't ignore her behavior just because she's not your daughter. Remember it takes a village... If she doesn't respond to your requests, send her home right away. Tell her she is welcome as long as she can be polite to everyone. Go ahead and talk to her mother about it. Parents want to know how their kids behave when they are away from them.

We went through this as well. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do about another child's behavior. You can mention it to the other mom as a specific instance when turning down an invitation, saying something like, "Last time the girls didn't get along, so I'd like to wait a few days," or, "There was an argument at school today and my daughter was kicked. Let's try again another time." Beyond that, talk to your daughter. Help her see that this girl has few other friends because of her behavior. That's why she gets jealous if your daughter plays with someone else. Explain to your daughter that she can be a very effective teacher in reminding her friend to say please, say thank you, take turns and share. Children are far more interested in impressing each other than in impressing adults. When this girl is at you house, make it clear that the rules of your house include courtesy. "At our house, you have to say 'please' if you want a drink." "I'll be happy to get that game for you if you say 'thank you.' " She'll probably find it strange, but will most likely do as you ask. Just make sure to prompt her every time. (Kids like this either eventually catch on and modify their own behavior, or they drive away all their friends and end up angry and miserable.) Be sure to praise your daughter for being a good example and a good friend when she reminds her friend, "Hey, you didn't ask nicely. What's the magic word?"

Gurl, pleeeeeze the mother in in DENIAL!!!!!!! Hello, I had the same problem with not a friend but my cousin daughter. SHe is sooooo freaking rude and very very disrespectful. After having numerous meeting with the mother, I gave her the "BOOT". I did not want my daughter (Whom I am raising totally different from hers) to be influenced by her bad habits. It was such a relief, try it. I am sure there are other friends out there.

Both of my kids BFs are behaviorally challenged. I can be very diplomatic when I tell them, that's not how we treat people in our home, and I will show you the same respect.
I often say "that is not acceptable or appropriate" and offer an alternative way of speaking, acting, including others etc. I would rather be seen as a "strict" parent than deal with the influence of behavior that feels "yucky". My children are 5 and 12 and I think kids know exactly how to shift when the "gig is up" no matter the age, adults, too!
I usually try to lift up the impact with a humorous ayy yaa and a karate chop. But it works! Good luck

I agree with Geri's plan A as well. I would just be firm with her with the rules in your house.

You could also try and enlist your daughter in helping encourage your friend to be nicer to both herself and your family.

I would also add that you can make it clear to the girl that if she does continually break the rules in your house, not only will she be not allowed to come over, *she* will also have to explain to her mother why that is.

Wow! This friend sounds like a winner. My sons have had friends like this and I found myself in a similar situation. Here's what I did... If I saw the friend behaving rudely, I sat the child down and gave him/her a no-nonsense, quick lesson on basic manners (please, thank you, smiling a hello as you walk by someone, general pleasantries). Then, for the rest of that visit I would strictly enforce using them. Most of the time, the youngster responded well to the gentle corrections. Sometimes, a time out was needed or another "chat." If the kid was really put off by these rules, they asked to leave early and when I dropped them off early, I just told the mom, "Johnny just didn't feel like being a polite person today so we cut our visit short." If the kid (or the mom) was really offended by this, they didn't call to play again.

More often than not, though, the mom would ask what happened and I would explain as non-judgementally as I could what happened and what I did. Since my youngest can be grossly impolite at times, I've been on the receiving end of this chat, too. Frankly, I'd rather know when my kid is being rude, rather than have him be cut off from someone without reason.

If this isn't your style, bring the Girl Scout troop leader into the circle and ask that she conduct some lessons on manners, how to handle a friend playing with someone else and how we feel when people are rude or abusive. With any luck, the girl will see herself in all this and realize how hurtful she can be.

Good luck...
S. F

If your daughter isn't picking up on the rude behavior then I would just have casual conversations with her about her friend. Ask her what her favorite things are about her friend so you can understand the attraction better. It is also perfectly fine to expect her to be polite in your home, if you give her a cookie and she "forgets" to say, "thanks" well then say "your welcome" and see if she remembers the next tims. Sometimes you can enlist the help of your daughter by saying "I like your friend, but I worry about her manners sometimes because it is important to me that people be polite. What do you think we can do to help her be polite because I don't want your little sisters picking up her behavior. That way you're not saying you don't like her friend which would be mean to your daughter, you are just commenting on behavior that you have an issue with. Try to invite other girls over too but kids usually have an idea of who they like and who they don't, just like adults.

That is not a fun situation! I choose to go with Geri's plan A and talk directly to any child who is not following the rules in our house about how we treat other people. I had an awkward situation come up with my son's friend when they were 9 and I wound up talking to his mom about what happened. She was glad that I decided to talk to her about it and in the end, I was too. You can tell the mom how you have handled her behavior, but I think I would first wait to see improvement before I went that route.

You should speak to the mother of this girl. It is possible she doesn't know how rude this child is when she is not around.

When she comes to your house explain that she is not allowed to act that way when she is in your home or she will not be allowed to come over for playdates, etc.

My daughter had a friend that was a screamer. She no longer screams at my house because I told her it was not allowed. She still screams around her mother but not when she is with me.

Good Luck!

Hi J.,
If you are strict with good manners in your home as I am, you could start by "laying down the law" while this child is in your home. We have had this happen with friends of our kids (ages 6&9) and it seems to work at least when the child is in our home. Unfortunately, you can't do anything about how this friend is allowed to behave at home, but you sure can demand respect & manners in yours! I know it is hard, because I have felt the same way. I do believe that kids benefit from learning this important life lesson. If this friend is mean elsewhere, you can say "We treat others with respect & good manners in our family, so we would like you to do the same if you want to continue to play together". She'll get it! Good luck!
S. T. from AZ

Children learn by example. The only way for this girl to change is to help her recognize the behavior. I would start by having the girl over to your home where you can supervise and give input to her on when she could be polite. Tell her thats the appropriate behavior "at our house". Talk to your daughter, she's old enough to recognize her friends behavior as well and make sure she knows she should never act that way. She should be an example. When she starts being rude too is when I would limit their time together. As long as it doesn't rub off and you've talked to your daughter, I wouldn't tell her they can't be friends. She will come across a lot of people, you just have to help her be the leader and make right decisions.

You know I personally would not forbid her seeing this friend, however, I would tell her it is important to be around friends that make us feel happy inside. About manners in your home, I do after school daycare and a lot of the older kids lack manners, I just remind them constantly, and say things like "I didn't hear a thank you...."...now most of all of them know what I expect from them and it just happens naturally. Blame her parents not her on that one.
My daughter is in first grade and loves to hang out with this one little girl but comes home and tell me she hurt her feelings, or they were mean to her and so on. I just calmly explained maybe she should walk away if they are being mean and play with someone that makes her feel good inside. After a few weeks she kind of severed the friendship all by herself and found new friends that made her happy and weren't mean to her. Funny as I was just matter of fact about it, and she followed her own lead and made a decision. Yesterday she told me the mean girl actually apologized (WHICH IS HUGE)...so just try and be there for your daughter, talk to her, if she is really not some horrible influence on your daughter it is time to teach your daughter to stand up for herself (with tact) and make her own decisions like this stuff.

I hate to say it but there may be more at work here than just rudeness of a little girl. She may be needing someone safe to talk to and testing your limits or to see if she can trust you with something more than she knows how to express. You may want to ask your daughter if there is something she knows about this little girl that you do not. I used to know a little girl who was abused by her family yet was afraid to tell anyone, she was standoffish, mean, and hurtful. As I said there may be more there and you may be the perfect person to help her. Or she could just be a brat. Good Luck.

Hi J.,
Well it's your house and you make the rules. You can stop that little girl in her tracks and tell her right in front of your daughter so that she will know, that "Here in our house we have certain rules we follow, and that is we say please and thank you, and we treat each other nicely. If you cannot do that, then you cannot come over and play here any more". And if things don't change, then follow through with the consequences and forbid her from coming over for a while. If the mother asks you why, then just let her know that when her daughter is at your house she is rude and doesn't treat the kids nicely. And explain certain circumstances that have risen in the past and let her know that is why.
Or you can talk to the mother directly, but she may take offense because she may have different rules at their house. It's a difficult situation, but you can enforce those rules when that little girl is at your house because she does indeed need to respect you all and respect and have courtesy at someone elses house.
Hope this helps. I know what I said seems cold, but you know what? We cannot allow children to get away with such attitudes. If we do, then they will think it's ok to treat others this way and it's not. So at your house, you have a right to enforce those rules. :-) Take care.

DON'T forbid your daughter from being around her rude friend. I think (just my opinion, but it's kinda worked for me) that praising your daughter when she's around Rude Girl and is nice might work better. One thing I do with two similar children in a similar situation is get the rude kids in my house. Sleep over, have a play date, etc, and praise the rude kid whenever she does something right...because that's probably a lot of what she's missing. Of course, with the two little ones, I'm not sure you'd have time.

Maybe just saying to your girl "you know honey, I feel SO proud when I see how well you behave; you're a real leader! Children who are polite and nice to others will usually receive more respect and appreciation from grown ups; your behavior shows me you are becoming a fine young lady."

It sounds cheesy, I know, but it works.

The rudeness could also be due to a psychological challenge, like ADHD. I know a child I'm sure has ADHD who can't keep her mouth shut. She thinks a thought, and it flies out of her mouth the very next second. I actually spoke to a child psychologist about this kid (9 years old), and the shrink said that some of it could be age appropriate behavior, that kids develop differently.

Maybe it would be worthwhile to get to know her parents better. This may also help give you a better perspective. It may well be that there are underlying problems you are not aware of, or they may not be giving her attention (or the right kind of attention).

Good luck...

J., J., J.,
Be very thankful that she is just RUDE. Your daughter is 8, it isn't too long before she will be in middle school. Things can change quickly.
Rude is the least of your problems.
You really shouldn't stress yourself over someone elses' kid.
Just be happy that you raised your daughter to be polite.
Take it easy and smile :-)

It reminds me of when I was 8 and one of the friends in our group was very rude, she always overtook birthday parties, and I was always mad at her, but always wanted to include her in play dates, etc. WHY? It doesn't make sense, and neither do 8 year old girls....Now as an adult I wonder why my parents didn't step in more or talk to her parents, but it is a tough situation. So what does it all mean? It makes some great stories for my now 8 year old son and gives an opportunity to teach lessons about good and bad behavior. Throughout life there will always be better behaved and worse behaved children around; even through adulthood. I think the best thing is to just teach how to handle these situations because they will never completely go away! Best of luck to you!

I would tell the friend she is not allowed to act that way in your home. You have every right to say that! You explain to your daughter that if you find out she starts acting that way and she will lose her priveleges of hanging out with her. If the girls parents have a problem with that, it's their problem. Your daughter may not understand right now, but she will appreciate it later!
Good luck!

i think you need to point oout to her when she does somethngwrong and tell her that behavious is not allowed in your house. ifshe continues talk to her mom and tell her why sheisnot alowed. because she doesnt obey your rules. if she hurts your daughter at school it should be reported. maybe she has som behavioral issues that the mom is not aware of and you pointng them out may get her the helpshe needs. if the mom gets mad, so be it yo have to protect your family. and explain toyour daughter that you are not trying to keep her from having friends you want her to have friends but not friends that are mean rude and hurt her.

This happened in our home several times when my kids were young.
I even did the unthinkable and told my son that I forbid him from seeing this person.

That didn't work; even parent educators make mistakes!
My child saw right through that and continued to see the child behind my back; they were best friends.

Here's what we did to resolve this for our family.
I changed the way I approached the situation. Instead of saying how rude this person was, I began to ask my child how he felt when this child treated him badly.
In the beginning my son would say, it's okay, Mom.

I held the boundary for my family, which is all any parent can do, and I kept insisting that my child be polite and well mannered even if his friends were not.

As time went by something amazing happened.
By asking my son often, “how does it feel when he speaks to you that way”, my son began to realize that it wasn’t okay to be treated that way.

I realized that by my asking him how he felt about being treated rudely I was actually introducing the concept that it’s okay not to like people who are rude.

By being patient and allowing my child to fully experience both my acceptance of his choices while still acknowledging how yucky it feels when he gets treated that way, he was able to experience this for himself and decide to drop the friend when he was ready.

Also, don’t forget that development plays a role here too. There are times in a child’s life when it’s more important developmentally to be part of the group, than it is to stick up for yourself.

Parents need to talk about the situation and they need to allow the child to decide what’s right for them.

My son is an adult now, and still remembers this. He says it was a huge lesson for him and for his brother, and one they never forgot and still use today!

Above all, you have to stick up for your little girl. I would gently tell the mother what has been going on, allowing her to "save face" of course, and ask that if this situation doesn't resolve, then you won't be able to have any more playdates. Its not right to subject your daughter to confidence diminshing behavior - a good lesson for your daughter to learn that she doesn't have to play or be friends with people that don't treat her with respect. Good luck!

Yes it is that age when the girls start to separate into groups. Certainly i would not like my daughter to be treated that same way. I have a 9 yr old daughter that has to stop hanging out with her good friend. One of these time this friend would hurt her so much your daughter will be hurt. This is what happened to my daughter and we (her parents) seen it coming. I just let my daughter see what kind of person her friend really is. And we talked about how we should be treating other people. Trust me I almost called her (friend) parents. But we can't hide the world from our kids. I just let it flow thru and we talked how she has other friends that are more like her. As for having girls over for parties and such, I would pull that girl out and say we don't allow this kind of stuff in your house. You know work your words. That you enjoy her over but we are not rude to others we treat others how you would like to be treated. Make it sound good like she is not in trouble or anything. I wouldn't bring up your daughter just tell her you are concerned. It almost being a parent to this girl. I have a 17, 13, and 9 yr old daughters and all their friends know i have the best interest of them. In the end I would talk to your daughter and let her know you are there for her. That some people are going to hurt her and use her.