What to Give My Friend Whose Baby Just Passed Away

Give her a hug and just go sit with her and be there if she needs you! She suffered a loss and sometimes just having someone she can cry on is worth more than an actual gift.

So sad. Tree is a great idea. My friend got one from her neighborhood when this happened to her baby and she loved it a lot-but it ended up dying and it made her really sad. So spring for the best quality and hardiest tree that you can find.

I agree with Lee. I understand you wanting to do something nice and meaningful for them but I suggest you just offer her a shoulder to lean on right now. She will remember and cherish what a good friend you are for just being there.

I wouldn't purchase anything right now... way too soon and she will be to overwhelmed to absorb the meaning. My toddler nephew died last year and gifts had no meaning to any of us at that time. I would suggest giving her things that she needs now (from experience):
- tons of food that can be frozen
- childcare for her other children (if appropriate) so that they can make arrangements without the other childrne in-tow
- run errands
- take phone calls for her
- be at the house to receive deliveries
- be prepared at the wake to help her through the day (mints, bottled water, hand lotion, tissues, snacks... many funeral homes provide these, but we appreciated having them at the wake)
- have pizza delivered in a few weeks (people move on and the calls/visits taper off)

The only gift that we really loved at that time was a set of necklaces... a friend is a jewler and he had tiny rings made for my nephew, his parents and siblings. AJ was buried in his and the family wears their rings every day. You could do something like that, but I would really suggest waiting.

When this actually hits her, she will need you and that may be a better time to start talking about the healing process.

I understand your meaning behind giving a tree. Something meaningful and lasting. But honestly, the meaning behind your gift will most likely be lost in her grief right now. I doubt she'll be comforted by that at this very early stage in her grieving. Perhaps after some time has passed, maybe a year, even, you could consider giving her that gift. But for now, I'd allow her to grieve her tremendous and unthinkable loss, and just be there for her and with her.

I was just thinking about this some more, and I'd really stay away from any gifts at this point. Especially a tree. I can imagine receiving a tree and thinking, "my baby just died, and you want me to appreciate watching a tree grow instead of him?" I think you can see how that 'gift' might not be received in the manner in which it was intended. And you certainly don't want to cause her anymore pain.

I think that with some time, it's a nice tribute type gesture. But definitely not now.

Krista P has some wonderful suggestions for things to do for them that they probably actually really need right now.

Prayers for your friend and her family.

Right now she needs love and understanding....not a tree. not trying to be harsh but remember this anniversary with a gesture next year. She will still be grieving then too.

When my friend's baby died, I just went and sat with her. Literally. We just sat in a big chair and didn't say a word. 7 years later, she still tells me how much that meant to her. She said it helped her so much and was the best thing anyone did for her. She said she felt like she was expected to be here, there, or doing this and that. When I came over, hugged her, and took her hand to sit down and not get up, she said she felt like she could process some of what happened.
After the grieving passed, she now celebrates the anniversary with a balloon release and has a small tree. But, I do agree it may be too soon for a tree right now. Give it a few months. Just focus on their now needs. The entire family will be grieving, but it will be easier if mom does not feel the need to be taking care of everything.
So sorry to hear about your friend's baby. This kind of loss is never easy, but she will only be stronger in the end.

The tree is nice, also a star named after him maybe?

Sorry, I'm a little late responding!I had a second trimester miscarriage and my MIL got us an engraved landscape stone. It's pretty big and goes great in the landscape in our backyard. It has the baby's name and date of delivery engraved on it. I LOVE IT! It is the best gift I have ever received. I was thankful that no one got me a tree!

i think a tree is a great idea. im a huge fan of flowering trees, so in my opinion, those would be even better. or check out roses maybe theres one with his name? you never know. roses are harder to take care of though. a tree with a plaque would be beautiful.

praying for your friends. this shuoldnt have to happen. :(

If it's not too late, have them call the social worker at the hospital and ask about Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. Or go to the website, www.nilmdts.org (org I think). Just looked at where South Wayne is, you might be able to find a photographer from Debuque. I would offer if they were closer to the MN border (I'm in the Twin Cities). I can say that the families I've helped are truely grateful and in my eyes, seem to 'heal' faster than families I know who haven't used the service. Although I know you never heal from the loss of a child.

Whatever you give them will be meaningful and loved...

If there is somewhere to plant the tree, their yard, a park or some special place it would be great. My sister bought us trees when we lost our son and it was pretty thoughtful but we had a problem keeping it alive waiting for the Memorial park we wanted to plant it in was ready and finally put it out on my husbands uncles ranch where my son had his first deer shot. If they plant it in the yard, it may be hard to move if they ever need or want to move to another home. The park seemed the best because we could always go there and everyone could enjoy the shade and beauty it has.

Check with the municipality where they live. They may have a tree for life program or allow you to do something similar. Here the program is called tree for life. People are allowed to buy a tree of choice and plant it on city property. They can also purchase a plaque to put below it. The city maintains the tree and the site. What's nice about this method is that if the tree would die the city replaces it free of charge since it is on city property. They try to do this before loved ones can see the tree is doing poorly since they understand the sentimental value the tree holds. I have an urban forestry background so species I recommend would be Bicolor Oak, Burr Oak, Hackberry, Ginkgo, Honeylocust, River Birch, or Linden. These tend to really well in the urban environment and will become tall trees. Yes, these will all do great in WI or anywhere in the midwest. Sorry to hear about their loss, I hope this gives them some form of comfort.

The tree is a great idea.

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My sister lost her 5 year old son in June. Right now, she needs time and a shoulder to cry on. We did get Haley a tree about a month after his death. His 6th birthday would have been today and my dad got her a plaque that has a nice saying on it for the tree and a stone bench to put at his grave so that she has a place to read him "Green Eggs and Ham." :(
I'm so sorry for your friend's loss.

I would highly recommend the website http://mollypiper.com/ The author has personal experience with losing a baby and includes a link on the side of helpful ways to come alongside a friend who has suffered the loss of a child.

I am sorry your friend is going through this. Right now, just be there for her. One of my friends lost her baby right before Christmas- it was really hard. I was able to help organize thing for her other kids to do, help with meals so she didn't have to worry about it. Someone else covered the cleaning of her house. Another person donated a Christmas tree. We had others donate items to decorate and I took her other kids for an afternoon and we made some ornaments for the tree also.
But I think the thing that helped her through the most was- I called or came over every couple of months (she moved soon after her baby's death) to see how she was doing. She said it was really hard because it was something she had to deal with every day, but it seemed as though everyone forgot after a month or two- so it really helped to have someone remember with her.
I still try to call or send her a letter on the anniversary- just to let her know I am thinking of her.
~C.

My little sister was killed when she was 18 months old... My step-dad gave my mom a kitten 6 months after so she would have something to take care of. She loved the cat, but was devastated when it died 14 years later...

I think planting a tree is about the best idea I've ever heard. I hope you do it.

Get a nice long-lived tree, like an oak or a white pine. (Should grow well in Wisconsin.) Ask the nursery what to choose and how to plant it. You'll need to plant it in the spring, so for now, you could present a stone/plaque or maybe a bench commemorating Mathias. Later, they can place it under the tree.

Isn't it interesting that trees and babies both start out in nurseries?

i think the tree sounds like a good thing for the anniversary of this terrible event. After a year's time, she'll be more able to appreciate it. Right now, she needs more emotional support and help getting through the next few weeks.

The tree is a lovely idea. But give her time. Right now she most likely just needs someone to dry with her.

I agree with the poster below who listed practical ideas to help her through it. If someone gave me a tree right after the loss of a baby, i would probably hack it to bits or some other thing I would reget later. Maybe wait until spring for the tree. Maybe a card next month with a cert for a tree that can be planted in the spring.

As someone who lost a baby last year, I agree with the other moms who said to hold off on the tree for now. It's a wonderful idea, but too soon.

Getting through the day-to-day stuff right now is the challenge. Bringing food helps - but be sure there is room in the freezer. Being available for on-call support is good. Even if you don't get called, she'll appreciate knowing she can. I also found that distraction was good. I liked being able to help out my friends with projects they had - where I could do as much as I felt up to depending on the day.

One friend went to the dollar store and bought us some cheap ceramic plates that we could throw or smash as we needed. I never did, but it was good to know when my anger flared, I had an outlet.

If your friend hasn't heard about Faith's Lodge, she may want to check them out. It is a retreat for parents and families that have lost a child or have a child with a serious illness. It was a wonderful getaway for my husband and I. The best part was getting to be with other parents who had lost a child, because they are the ones who understand best.

You may also want to see if there is an Angel of Hope statue in your area and if a paver or brick can be purchased in honor of their baby.

It will be 22 years this Christmas since I lost my beautiful daughter Morgan. Although I am not overwhelmed by the pain on a daily basis, there are still days that drop me to my knees (not nearly as many, but some). A couple of things really made a difference. 1) I have a lock of Morgan's hair that I wear in a locket around my neck - her name was engraved on the back and it has since worn off since I rarely take it off. 2 ) I had a cousin who called every day until I told her I didn't need her to anymore. Sometimes I wanted to talk, other times I didn't. It was just nice to know that after everyone had left, there was still someone who was there. 3) Meals - I had no interset in eating but the rest of the family had to eat. A lot of people brought food for the wake (which was helpful), but I was pretty immobilized by my grief for much longer. 4) Cleaning - same concept as 3. 5) Helping out with my other child - homework, parties, giving him some joy. I wish that I had been capable of being a wonderful mom for him, but I wasn't. Thank God for the friend who lived two doors down who picked him up from school, helped him with homework, took him places with her own kids. 22 years later he talks about loosing me more than loosing his sister (although now that he is a parent himself, he has talked about that more). 6) My sister goes to the cemetary every year - either on her birthday which is exactly a week after my twin's birthday - this coming Friday, or on the anniversary of her death - 4 days after Christmas. I've never gone back to the cemetary myself - I don't like thinking of her there - but I like to know that someone is and that her grave is being tended. 7) Remembering every year on those special days. Even 22 years later. Calling even though you don't know what to say and not knowing if she wants you to call. She can always tell you she doesn't want you to, but a lot of times people don't know what to say, so they say nothing. Your friend had a son - you're reaching out to her acknowledges him. She won't get to see all of the wonderful things she expected to see - all she has are the memories - talking about him with others validates his life. 8) Don't ever say, "You'll have another one." As though that in some way makes up for or replaces him.

Hope this helped.

I agree with no tree yet to early. you need to be there more than anything. spend christmas day with her it is just going to be devistating on her. a mothers ring but she may get mad and flush it too. or throw it away. when my step son died he was 16 my so's sister made him a frame of various pictures of variious ages in it. that did go over good. I am making him a shadow box for christmas but it has also been a year as opposed to a couple of weeks. at this point it is a great loss and they are looking for something with connection to him like the pictures. take some of his clothes or baby stuff like blankets and make her a quilt so in her mind he is always there and when she misses him she can snuggle with it. anything that is a connection right now but a tree i think is the wrong way to go. if she gets mad at the picture and throws it keep 2 copies so you can give it to her again. she may get mad and throw the picture and break the frame. if she throws the quilt no harm done. if she cuts it up it is a quilt that has no pattern to it. jmo