What to Do with Bossy Aunt?

I wouldn't like that either. My brother can be bossy with my kids and it is very upsetting. We have been taking a break lately. It is hard to talk about it with him because he is defensive. Better just to not leave kids alone with these kind of relatives.

Tricia

I would give her one more shot at not being so bossy - if you ask and she fails to listen I would consider printing this page of responses out and handing it to her. It's bold but it would definitely change her behavior.

Hi N.,

It would be my instinct to have my husband talk to his sister too. I agree, that in most situations, I think it is really his responsibility to handle issues related his family. However, when it comes to YOUR daughter. YOU are her mother and it is high time you established that YOU are *the* authority when it comes to your daughter- no matter who is related to whom. NO ONE should ever even think it is OK to step even CLOSE to the line your SIL is stepping on. If a babysitter or other child care provider did that you would be on them in a New York Minute so I would practice a little speech with a close girl friend and launch it the next time it happens. If that does not work, next time Auntie proposes a visit tell her then. I know, I am a total chicken when it comes to confrontation but this your precious peach and she deserves an empowered, respectful, mindful, and compassionate response from her Mama on her behalf. BEST of luck. You will totally do the right thing!

My husband and I dealt with the same issue with his brother. We had "Uncle Bossy" and it always seemed to happen more when my husband was not around. I too found myself no longer wanting to have him around, but I knew that not the solution.
I finally decided to approach him and it went great and he has totally changed his ways with our two girls. What I said was that being an Uncle is one of the best roles; you come over, play, have fun, and you get to go home. The time you have together is special and I want the girls to think of you as their fun Uncle that loves them and wants to spend time with them. I also don't want them to hit a point of not wanting to hang out with him. I don't want you to ever be thought of as the person who creates rules (his rules often were very different then ours). Obviously if something was unsafe or would place the girls in harm then he had ever right, but if not let it go. That's where I come in and I will take care of it.
My girls love to pretend and he's great at it, why not let that time be for that not for saying no to this and that.
Once I compared the role to a grandparent, to having fun, and just being engaged with the kids it changed everything.

she is so young she does not know any better. be firm when she says stuff like that tell your daughter, (in her aunts presence) "your auntie will understand one day when she has kids." maybe shell get the hint

You are the mom and have the right to control who influences your child and who doesn't. Just because someone is a blood relative doesn't mean they're entitled to spend time with your child if that person can't support whatever rules you've set for how to raise your child. Do what you need to do to make sure your child grows up emotionally healthy. If that means not letting her aunt see her until her aunt "grows up" a bit, then so be it. Also, not to sound harsh, but your husband really should take some responsibility in this since it's his sister. Best wishes to you!

at 21 i think we all thought we knew it all. be honest and be prepared for her to act like she's two about it. but you can't allow that behavior to go on. its not fair. had a friend who was older than your friend, and use to say my kids were rude and didn't use manors in her house.. she now has two kids that are insanely wild and uncontrolled! my kids don't look so bad now. :)

I suppose i would be very clear with your SIL.

Tell her that your daughter is learning about her imagination, and that it is very important that her imagination is not stifled. Let her know that if she continues to reprimand your daughter you will have to limit their visits.
That at least gives her some warning, and it allows her to be held accountable for her actions as an adult.

Hi N.;
I believe it is our first job to teach our children to deal with/ cope with the people and circumstances they will face in life, and so the teaching shouild first be to the daughter. She will face people at school, and outside the home like her aunt, and if you have taught her by your example to try and teach those people they are wrong, that is all she will know how to do. If you can help the aunt see a different perspective, so much the better, but people can't always be made to see things our way, and the child especially will need to learn a good attitude with which to respond to the aunt. If you model a good attitude, she will learn that. To just tell the aunt she is wrong seems to me to be doing the same thing the aunt is doing.
I would tell the aunt, "I let her dump the legos out, and then she learns ... (she has to pick them all up again too), or what ever. Your daughter may even learn something useful from the aunt. I know how you feel; I have bossy take charge relatives too, but the more involvement of loving adults in our children's lives, the better.

You have the responsibility to limit or cut off contact that your daughter has with anyone who is being dangerous, hurtful, etc...Just because she is family does not mean you have to keep her in your child's life. If the sis in laws behavior is hurting your daughter then your first priority is to protect your child.

It is your HUSBAND's responsibility to inform his sister that she is not behaving in an appropriate manner. If it were your sister, it would be YOUR responsibility.

If your hubby doesn't take charge and protect his family from (even seemingly small things like this) he's not being much of a man.

BUT.. if you need to, I think you should feel 100% fine telling her you have mentioned it before and the next time it happens... she's not going to be allowed to be around your daughter. If that means you dont get to go to family gatherings on hubby's side, I suppose there's one more reason why HE should take this on and take care of it.

again, the girl is only 21 and has no idea what she's doing. Think of it as an opportunity to help her prepare for mother hood!

Best of luck

I agree with other contributors that it's your husband's responsibility. In etiquette too, one deals with one's own family - would he ever be expected to tell your parents/siblings to back off? Probably not. In short - this situation will not get better until your husband stops it.

If you can, rather than confront her, just avoid her nicely for awhile - pretend to be really busy and stop interacting with her.

Another idea would be to correct immediately whatever your sister-in-law does - treat her like a bossy eight-year-old, since that is how she's behaving. For example, s-i-l takes a toy from your daughter. Take it back from s-i-l and say "She was playing with that" in the same tone you would use with one of your daughter's peers. Say to your daughter, "Here is your toy. Auntie is sorry she took it." That might get the point across. If s-i-l gets insulted, you can just say, "It's not nice to take toys from others."

How sad your sister-in-law,doesn't know how, to kick back and just injoy ! Find true laughter and fun, it's so easy just let the child be 2. Prehaps you could remind your sister-in-law, she and her nenice share the same blood . also no one stays 2 forever ! Doen't this Aunt want the child to run to her,with open arms full of love for a FUN and wounderful AUNT? Or does this Aunt, RATHER,her nenice run and hide from her " MEAN,OLD AUNT !!!" Childhood should be happy! Children don't forget. God's Blessings will Prevail !! with heartfelt payer. K. E. pool

Set your boundries and don't be afraid to let her know when she is out of line. This is YOUR kid. And one day when she has kids give her a copy of a book I just finished called: I was a really good mom BEFORE I had kids!" Amazon.com.

I really think your husband needs to talk to his sister. She will probably take it better from him. But with some people you can't worry about hurting their feelings. You just have to put it point blank. When she has a child then she can make the rules, but until then, when she is in your home you will make the rules. When she tries step in again, cut her off immediately and remind her of what you talked about. Then tell your daughter it's ok to do whatever it was. My kids are grown but that was always one of my pet peeves, for people to tell my kids what to do when I was right there. I had to set my sister-in-law straight when ours were young also.

I have had the same problem with my younger sister who is 22 and sometimes my mother. I told my sister that I was the parent and if she did not approve of the way I parent then we could go out to lunch or something and discuss what it is she felt I was doing wrong. That way we were away from my daughter and it was a neutral atmosphere. Don't make it a defensive thing. Actually listen to her and then explain your feelings on the subjects she brings up. It will clear up a whole bunch of issues. I have also told my mom and sister,when they have asked for my daughter to come over but they have been too bossy, that my daughter was not comming over until they were ready to treat her with more respect and not yell at her all the time. It will cause waves in the family for you to do this but which is more important, the harmony of the family or teaching your daughter how to treat others and herself with respect.

hi:

it is not a good idea to let family members take care of our kids, is best to hire another person that will follow your instructions. it is best not to tell your husband your concerns about his sister, or any other member of his family, because it is his family. remember that those children chose you as a mother, and they need your loving care....
best wishes...

Your husband is correct, you need to deal with the bossy aunt immediately. Your daughter is precious and it is up to you to protect her. Tell the bossy aunt to knock it off or get out. It is your home not hers. T

Talk to her, at the age everything ugs then and if they do not have children they do not understand, help her understand. Family is Family, we need them even when we don't want them! I think if you discuss it now and nip it in the bud life will go alot smoother, Teach her a few things about child development, how important play is and how important it is to say yes whenever you can and not no so that a child is adventuring in to new things, if you constantly tell your children no to everything after a while they will not do or try anything for fear of being told no, I say talk to her about it, instead of limiting time.

HI.
Im a mother of three, two of my own and a teenage daughter im raising as my own.
also being a (bossy aunt) I think I can help alittle, Im bossy only when the kids are out of hand the mother lets her kids do what ever they want they control her yell at her throw things at her thats why im bossy. but for you It could be jelousy. some people get jelous of family members I have sister in- laws many of them that range from there fourtys to twentys. so I have advice. I also had to distant my self from them completly with them is was jeliouse i took there baby brother turning him into a man. they didnt like it we had beautiful children they didnt like it. it is competition. when it comes to some family memembers dont take it to hard she will grow up sometime. it takes some younger adults to get there. and your husband should get involved a little . just adding that it bothers you maybe you should talk to her about why shes beiing bossy when its not her place. sit down find out the problem if she gets upset its ok if she gets angree then its jelousy. hope i helped.

I have some Bossy family members, I have to let them know that the things my little ones do are okay with me and that it is our house. If you have to "Teach" the 21 yr old to have some fun with your little one, remind her that she was little once to, and probably had a great imagination like your daughter has now. Teach her to get on the floor and play with her niece. Tell her she only needs to say NO if your daughter is about to do something that will harm herself or someone else. I hope I've helped some.

Your sister in law is way overstepping her boundaries. There is no problem with you telling her directly, "Do not speak to my child that way." You are correct, it isn't up to her to discipline your child and it certainly isn't appropriate for her to dismiss or destroy your child's imagination play.

As far as your husband putting the responsibility on you - hogwsh! She is HIS sister and quite frankly to two of you need to do this together. Big brother needs to tell little sister to behaver herself if she wants to continue to see her niece. Having been placed in your position by my (now) ex-husband with his family (he refused to say anything to them when they were inappropriate with our kids) I understand your frustration.

A discussion with your s-i-l can be a very nice one where you simply explain 2 things: 1) she has no authority where discipline is concerned (in other words - YOU are the parent - NOT her) and 2) this is why we let her do these things - to encourage imagination, communication, etc...tell her about your parenting style and why it works for you.

I am not all that thrilled with the old "take me aside and tell me why you think what I am doing is wrong" because it isn't anyone else's business how you raise your kid. I much prefer the "Ask me why I do what I do with my kids so that you can understand where I am coming from." No one is criticizing your parenting style and maybe someone will learn something.

I often have discussions like this with my sister who is several yrs younger than me. She often makes choices I wouldn't so I simply ask her why she did 'X' and how is it working for her. Sometimes she asks for input on how to make something better (she loves my parenting style) and sometimes she doesn't. I am old enough to know that they are her kids and she is the one who makes the choices with them - whether or not I agree is irrelevant. :)

Get your husband to work with you. A united front is so much more effective and it presents the two of you as a team - she is less likely to 'argue' with or cross the boundaries of 2 of you than 1... Good luck!

Take care!

J.

Auntie needs a TIME OUT. You and your husband (her brother) together need to sit her down and discuss YOUR parenting style with her and let her know the rules. Put Auntie on notice that if she breaks the rules, she will be invited to leave (Game Over). You can also talk to your daughter..."Aunt So-and-so is imagination-challenged. Next time she tells you the bunny can't push the ball, try to understand that she can't see it the way you see it. It's okay for you (daughter) to see what you see. I see it. ...pssst, not everyone believes in magic, fairies and the like either. It's your job to protect your daughter from people with damaged imaginations. Good luck.

My husband's sister is also a "bossy aunt" and sounds about as in touch with kids as yours. This is my advice: It does not sound pleasant for you or your daughter to be around her so it may just be someone you spend little time with. Be polite, but limit contact. Do not cause a family war, because she will not change, but just spend your time with more kid friendly people when you have a choice. When you do spend time with her, teach your daughter that there are all kinds of people in this world and to be polite but have comebacks ready to stand up for herself in a positive non-combative way. You may have to help her until she's old enough to do it herself but I'm looking into the future. For example with the Leggos, you or her could politely just state that she is following her family's rules and she is allowed to dump them all out. Smile, then start playing. Same with the sippie cup. When she tries to quash your daughter's imagination with realistic facts, just teach her to smile and say I'm using my imagination and ANYTHING is possible! then teach her to walk away and play on. Good luck. This is the only way I can survive with my kids' "bossy aunt".

I would not have her over unless your husband can be present. Your relationship with your husband's family is ultimately your husband's responsibility. If he isn't willing to say something to his sister, then yes go with your instincts about limited exposure to your child.

N.,
Tell her how you feel, remember at 21 I'm sure most of us knew it all and to find out we don't know much! Explain to her that certain things are ok to do. I also think your husband should get involved, this is his sister and he needs to support you! and if he choose not to support you, then don't let her come around. Stand your ground, take control she is your child not your sister in laws child. :-) Good luck

Time to get a little mean but blunt with your SIL. Bottom line you are this child's parent, not her. I would tell her "Do you understand that you are bossing your neice around and you are destroying her creative play. Creative play is VERY important at this age for developing other skills. Your neice is trying to share her world with you because she WANTS you to be apart of it. If you keep bossing her and telling her no like this than she will never become close to you and she will start separating herself from you. You are are setting the foundation for your relationship with her right now. If you are unsure about what is acceptable for my daughter to do then you need to ask me or her father. If you can not respect our wishes then I will be forced to not allow you to visit with her."

Right now your SIL is 21 and she really has other things in her life rather than worrying about hurting a 2 year olds feelings. Which is as it should be. However when you talk to her tell her your dilema as you would tell another adult. IF your SIL is ready to act like an adult she will listen to you. If not then I wouldn't allow her to visit with your daughter. Who knows this could possible open up a whole new line of conversation with her and it might expand your relationship with her.

Hey N.,

I can definintely relate to your story. I not only have a 'bossy aunt,' I have 'mr.and mrs. no-it-all family members', period. One thing that I have learned about being a 1st time mom, is that EVERYONE (regardless of even if they have children, or have had them in this decade) wants to give you advice, change the way you are doing things, etc. I believe this will go on for the rest of my daughters (16-months old) life. So, instead of refusing to allow her to be around all of these people in our family that want to steal her joy from fantasy play, 'destruction of our house,' etc I make sure that they know were my husband and I stand and what we allow her to do.

I would suggest playing with your daughter while the aunt is around so that she can see YOU actually affirming your daughters make believe play. She can actually see YOU making up things also and saying that 'wow what a great imagination ____, you are so smart to think like that.'

Also, I would give your 'bossy aunty' a book or something that she could read that talks about what is important in a childs growth at this age. There are so many great books out there, I am sure you can probably find one, specifically for aunts or other family members.

What I have decided is that people aren't going to tell me and force my daughter to do THEIR things in MY house. But, when they get her for the weekends at THEIR house, they can impose their own ways, etc. I hope that helps. Let us know how it goes.

Also, maybe have the 'bossy aunty' go to the park or gymboree with you so that she can actually see other kids and their parents allowing their children to be free.

It sounds like you need to sit her down and explain to her that while you appreciate her playing with your daughter, that it's YOUR job to discipline her, and if she has any concerns, she should bring them to you. You could even soften it by saying that you want her to just enjoy her time with her niece and let you 'worry' about the other stuff. Good luck!

I agree that limiting the exposure is a possibility, but perhaps just saying to the SIL that if she doesn't change her interactions, you will be forced to do that *might* do the trick. Or cause major family friction.

I disagree that your DH should leave it all up to you. It's his sister. Also, as with dealing with your child, you should present a united front to extended family. You need to know that he has your back.

You might try finding out where your SIL is coming from to help you figure out how to handle it.

"I noticed when our daughter dumped the lego blocks out, you told her no. Out of curiosity, why?" Try to be non judgemental. Try to make it safe for her to discuss without reproach. Then, thank her for her 'concern, input, whatever', andtell her your husband's and your theories on raising your daughter.

You may also take that moment to set up some bounderies "If our child is climbing the top of the sofa and leaping, please stop her. If she is playing with bunny and is unrealistic in her expecations of bunny soccor, don't worry about it" or whatever works for you.

Finally, you husband does need to be involved. It is his sister.

Good luck.

I have a two year-old granddaughter, and I would never ever tell her not to use her imagination! If I were you, I would firmly tell my sister in-law that she is wrong! . . .in front of my little girl! In fact I would probably start playing with the bunny and ball myself, and go right along with my daughter's imagination. Tell this auntie (in private) that you are the mom, and you don't want her to behave that way with your daughter anymore! She can do a lot of damage! She can cause your daughter to lose confidence in herself. My granddaughter pretends that she's playing with invisible objects that she makes up in her mind. We all go along with her and have a lot of fun. Your sister in-law needs to be put in her place!
I am a widow and live alone. But I have my grandchildren with me as much as possible.
N.

We had a bit of a similar situation when my first son was born, as my sister was only 17. They had more of a sister/brother relationship and it made it a bit difficult. They would argue and ultimately he just didn't respect her authority and who could blame him? It is better now as I have told her what she can/cannot do/say with him and she gets progressively better as she does what I ask and just as she grows up. Also her being around me and watching what I do and say is a big help too. But by the way, I really think your husband should step up and help you with talking to her about this. Would he want to have to say something like that to your sister or mother? I doubt it. Maybe he could say something directly to her and you could just tell her for example "no, she is allowed to dump out the blocks" etc. Good luck!

Never allow anyone to destroy your daughter's innocent playful imagination with her toys. Talk to your sister-in-law and be honest about your feelings. You feel it's entirely healthy for your daughter to behave the way she does and can also respect the fact that someone may not feel the same way; especially in their home. Since this is now the problem; visits must be limited to mandatory family gatherings but not to instructing others what "NOT" to say to your child. Tell your sister-in-law, "No is a very strong word and really should be used when behavior is bad or in explanation of why a situation or instance can cause that child harm."

Dear N.,
I'm sorry to be this blunt, but your husband needs to step up! You have done your part. You have called your SIL on her behavior and asked her to stop. The fact that your husband has not seen this behavior is irrelevant. You are his wife and his child's mother. He needs to take you at your word and explain to his sister that you and he set the rules for your daughter; she does not. If she cannot respect the choices you and your husband have made for your child, she should not be left alone with your daughter. In a marriage, ultimately, our individual families are our individual responsibilities. That is not to say that you should not address his family directly, but you already have. When we get married, we are choosing our spouse as the number one person in our lives. If we end up in the unfortunate situation where our spouse and a family member are at odds, we must support our spouse unless the spouse is making an unreasonable request. Wanting your SIL to follow your rules for your child rather than making her own is not unreasonable in the least. Your husband is copping out and avoiding conflict with his sister. As calmly as possible, let him know how his behavior is affecting you and your daughter and make your expectations of what he needs to do, i.e., explain to his sister that she must respect your rules, crystal clear. Again, I know my advice sounds harsh, but your husband cannot allow his sister to have a negative influence on your daughter and/or your marriage. I mean, how much does he actually need to witness personally to let his sister know that she needs to respect his and your rules for your daughter? Pretty much none! Good luck and stay strong.
K.

I think you have received some good suggestions, so what I'll post is a bit of a different angle. As long as the aunt isn't being abusive (which is, admittedly, a fine line), perhaps it simply isn't worth that much concern. I remember having a control freak aunt growing up, and the funny thing was that we adored her as she was, and played extra carefully etc when we were at her house, considered it a privilege to sleep over, etc. Children are capable of understanding that adults are individuals with different opinions and preferences, and adapting accordingly. One aunt isn't likely to ruin your daughter's imagination; she isn't a large enough fixture in your daughter's life. I would take the time to talk to your daughter about the aunt, see how your daughter feels, and use the opportunity to discuss how people are all different in the ways they act.

I feel your daughters imagitive well being is far most important and negativity will not help it grow so i say that maybe you should limit the time of her visits to only when your husband is around and family events maybe if other people see her behavior you will have the back up you need to get her to change her behavior. Good luck

S.

Hi N.:0)

It sounds like your daughter is doing nothing wrong at all just normal kid stuff. I'm not clear though if you are around the aunt when she is with your kid. if not, have you tried being around the aunt with your child and you show the aunt what would be okay with you what your child does? Is the aunt baby sitting? If she is, maybe try to lay down some rules of what and what not the child can do. I'm a baby sitter and i do what the parents wants me to do and of course with some common sense and lots of playful attention time. Well good luck cause it is hard when family is involve.

Hi N.,

I would suggest that you sit down with your sister-in-law and talk to her about your concerns. Explain how you and your husband have decided to "raise" your daughter and what your concerns are when she is interacting with your her (be kind not accusatory).For example,If you have chosen not to tell your daughter "NO" but instead tell her "please don't do that" (they learn to say "NO" soon enough on their own)you set rules in your home.This takes a lot of courage to do but in the long run your sister-in-law will have more respect for you.I've been in the same position myself.

N., You said that this is your HUSBANDS SISTER. That is the answer. HE need to talk to his sister in a respectful way. Everyone has different ways of setting boundries with their kids. Look at the way your Mother in law brought up her kids. It will tell you a great deal about your inlaw family values.
You and your Husband have to be a TEAM!! If you are not a team your child will be even more confused later. Stand Tuff and together.... L.

She is your husband's sister and I think it is only fair for him to handle anything that might upset you.

You are on the right track. Tell your sister-in-law that you love having her in your lives but if you can't settle the fact that you are the mother and she is the guest in the home you will have to limit visits due to the effect she has on your daughter. Don't forget to include your husband in your solution so it won't be a surprise to him and he won't be caught in the middle.
Good luck.
Dr B.