Help! My Son Prefers Others over Me!

This is normal. Don't take it personally. My kids often like total strangers more than me! But that's because it's new and exciting. Let him explore new people and consider it a blessing that he feels comfortable around your sister-in-law!

Another trick I've used for years is, when I want a hug nor whatever, and any one of my kids won't do it, I just tell them "It's ok, I don't really want a hug from you." I get one every time!

Oh, my heart goes out to you. :)

A couple things, one definitely enjoy the break, which it sounds like you are. Gosh, what I would do for ANY family to live by me and help out. But, really when she has him just go for a walk or try to really let her deal with him while you are gone. That way you don't even have to see what is going on with them, plus I bet he would be excited to see you when you come back...as long as you were gone long enough. :)

Remember the Chimpmulk movie that came out last year or maybe two ago?? He will want you in the end... :)

Another thing, if she wants to do fun stuff with him.... than she can do the baths and diapers too!!! I would at least ask. When my family comes I really do just say nicely 'Would you mind changing him for me?' Even make something up and say you have to go to the bathroom yourself. It is hard for them to say no.

Also, I am not sure how much you have talked with her about the spoiling bit, but maybe she needs to hear it again or you need to get more serious about it. Just tell her from the point of you, that you are thinking of him first. You are right on with that too by the way.

And finally, just remember to count your blessings. He is God's gift to you while you are here on Earth. She isn't going to ever have that.

Blessings,
Amanda

First of all, your son does not prefer your sister-in-law over you. He loves his mommy the best of all. It took me four children to realize this important piece of wisdom. If you ate steak and seafood every night for dinner for 21 months and someone offered you hamburger helper for dinner you would choose the hamburger helper over the steak and seafood. We all like a change of pace once in awhile. You are his mommy. He loves you the best. He just enjoys being with his aunt once in awhile. It is wonderful for your son that he has two women in his life that love him this much! I had a Santa Claus aunt when I was a child. I was crazy about her. I thought my aunt hung the moon! She had no children. I would fly to Chicago all by myself to visit her. She and my mom had a falling out when I was in college and I did not speak to my aunt again until years later when my mother was back speaking to her. Stop being jealous. You are his mommy! He loves you the best!

You should be happy that your son feels secure enough to go to another person. My son (who is now 8) was and still is very friendly to others. I joke that if some man with a ski mask and a bloody ax tried to talk to him, that he would just go right up to him and strike up a conversation. (I have spoken to him many times about talking to strangers and to come inside if anyone pulls into the driveway) Your son does love the attention that his aunt gives him and he should be able to enjoy her when she is around. don't worry so much about him getting treats from her. A treat once in a while will not hurt him. I am sure that it just makes her day to have your sweet little boy's attention. Enjoy the break that it gives you. It sounds like you could definately use one!! I respect that you are a single mom so rather than be upset about it, rejoice in it!! Your son probably gives his aunt comfort and I am sure that she loves him dearly. Do address with her any concerns such as giving him a bag of candy instead of a piece of candy but please don't take it the wrong way. He loves you but he sees you all of the time. When "Auntie" is around, he enjoys being with her. I hope this helps.

OK, I have been in similar shoes. When my daughter was just under a year we pulled her out of daycare due to chronic ear infections (long story, but basically she got tubes and still couldn't shake them b/c she caught every cold in daycare). I was fortunate enough that my retired mother watched her for 6 months. My mother was her best friend and playmate, therefore, in many ways when we were both around my daughter preferred her over me. She did, however, respect my rules and since she was her caretaker every weekday she had an incentive to have certain rules and stick to them (as many of us know, it can bite you in the rear to give in too much). I have to say, it did hurt my feelings to not be my daughters favorite.

IMPORTANT TO KNOW:
My father is a retired behavioral pediatrician. He once told me that the kids that don't throw fits or don't pull away from you or challenge you are the ones to worry about. The fact that he is comfortable with other adults and that he can communicate that he doesn't want Mommy right now or that he throws a fit with you and not with her is actually a compliment to you. You are the one he is truly comfortable with. He is secure with you. He knows that he can do these things and you will always be there. You will always be Mommy.

You are his Mom and he loves you. It may not always be apparent, but it is always true.

Both of my children (2 and 4) are like this when their grandmother is in town. My husband and I cease to matter to them at all. I am so happy that my children love their grandmother so much (she's my mother in law, so no bias) that I try not to be hurt by it. My children know her love and attention are a treat, so they try to get as much of it as they can until she returns home. I loved my grandmother in much the same way and will always treasure my memories of her...however, I love my mother very much and know that she's the one that did the hard work. Although they are too young now to voice those sentiments, your children love you...they just want the treat while it's there!

It sounds like you need time and distance from your sister in law. I'm sure she is loving the attention that she is getting from your child, but it appears that she is encouraging it also. Do not let her take his affections from you. It can be done, so guard them closely.
Keep in mind too that good moms even give in to sweets and extra play time too. It is only natural to want only healthy snacks for your child, but since when did a little bit of sweets really hurt anyone? Slip him a chocolate kiss from time to time. It won't hurt him (unless there is a medical problem of course). Do your best daily to spend time just playing with your son too. This makes all the difference in the world! Let it be true play time too, not necessarily training or teaching time. Take him outside and swing together. Help him ride a trike. Play hide and go seek. Anything, just play with him. Make sure his favorite Aunt is no where around when you are doing this, at least for a while. You need to bond with your son again, and break the strong bond he has formed with the overly well meaning Auntie. You don't owe any excuses to anyone for what you are doing by putting time and space between you and her. You owe a lifelong bond to yourself and your son.
God gave this precious child to you. He is yours. Don't be apologetic about it. Be strong and take action now. It will only get harder as time goes on.
Above all, put it to prayer. Ask the Lord to help you as you work to win your son's heart back. He (the Lord) deals with people from the inside out. He begins with their hearts and the actions follow. But you have to make changes too to make this work.
Good luck and God Bless,
L. C.

You all need to get together and talk about what is best for this child. Work with him together. Who ever you are with. Let your child see that you both or all are together. And just show him you love him.
Yes I do agree giving him everything as he wants is not the right way to show that you love him.
Love is being together and teaching him what he can do right now.
He don't need to see jealousy.
Just all of you working together to help him grow.

Adele,
I promise you it is only a 'stage' that he is going through.
The other thing you can do is do some "fun" stuff that maybe you don't normally do... or permit. You are a GOOD MOM but just because you don't permit somethings doesn't mean NOT EVER, with moderation... :) That is the key.

Give yourself a break too, Adele, you are doing this as single parent and therefore wearing many hats...Parenting isn't all discipline, it is making those fun and crazy memories... just make sure he respects you, then you are disciplining... plus remember he is getting ready to be two.

Do what is best for YOU and YOUR family Adele.

You are fortunate to get so much wonderful, sage advice with this problem. I went through the same feelings with my children. My sister didn't have children and made a bundle of money so she could give mine anything they wanted. I let it get to me when they were growing up - a lot. She and her husband just wanted to be parents so badly, they adopted mentally to be surrogate parents to mine. God had His reasons for this as through the years, she has been a blessing to us. My only regrete is that I saw her as a threat to my mothering and acted badly towards her. It only caused strife and unneeded discord. My children are very grown now and I'm definitely their mom and she is their beloved aunt. She and her husband have been through the trials with me and thank goodness they are Bible believing Christians. Hang in there. I understand your feelings - I had so much jealousy. Today, there's nothing like getting that phone call from one of my children - "Mom" are ok?" It's all so wonderful and exciting to have kids and family.

I will be interested to hear the responses, Adele. I have this same issue but it's with my mom. She gives them anything they ask for, never disciplines them, and showers them with gifts on holidays (siblings on the other ones birthdays, even). They do not even know I exist when she's around, but I'm used to it after 8 years. I guess all I can say is do the right thing. I always heard that you shouldn't have kids to be their friend, but to be their parent. We're not doing our kids any favors by being a constant 'friend' opposed to 'parent'. Just think of what they'll turn out to be like if we subject them to constant attention and never say no ... ugh, they won't be able to survive happily or successfully in society. Good luck, I can relate!

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone! My son has always preferred my mother over me. It used to really bother me, especially since his behavior would become awful when he was around her! Seriously, his behavior would worsen around her, and he was almost impossible to discipline with positive results when she was around! It drove me nuts!

It's gotten much better the older he's gotten (and I never limited time with her for him). She lives almost 2 hours away, but still sees our kids (we have two children now, and this has never been a problem with my youngest, a girl) quite often. We talked about it, and she tried to make some changes (in terms of disciplining him just like I would, etc.). He's 3 1/2 now, and although he still loves her, we don't tend to have the same problems arise as before (behavior, him preferring her over me to the extent of hurting my feelings, etc.). They are very close (and I love that), but the situation has lessened over time. ;)

It's funny. We're going through this with my son at preschool right now. He only goes part-time, two days a week (and just started last week). He cries when I come to pick him up ... he wants to stay with his teacher and at school! It makes me feel awful (and kind of hurts my feelings), as he and I are very close and have a great relationship, and he's my little guy at home! I'm sure this, too, shall pass for us! ;)

You might want to have a frank discussion with your SIL about how you're feeling, what you can both do to maybe help, and then you might just want to hang back and let it play out a bit, too. I really do think it will get better over time! Good luck!

It could be in part that your son senses that his attention towards your sister in law is such a blessing to HER! I had an uncle who had severe epilepsy, and never had his own children. Whenever my younger son was around him he acted exactly the same way. We had a family reunion one year and EVERY SINGLE picture of my son is with him in my uncle's arms! And I've got to be honest, my own grandson does the same thing with me - when my daughter in law is here with the kids he won't go to her for anything, he comes straight to me. And it's not because I spoil him, it's just because we have a special bond. It doesn't mean your son doesn't love you, but God has given him a special bond with his aunt and I think you should see it as the blessing it is. Not just because she helps you, but because she and your son are both being blessed by this relationship. Thank God for it and realize that not every child has that kind of relationship with their relatives, and it's truly a blessing not a curse!

With my oldest, 4 yrs old now, I had this problem with my mother-in-law. She spoils him rotten and refuses to discipline no matter what fit he throws. He he says no to something she just caves and lets him have his way. He was around 6 or 8 mths when it started noticeably. I didn't want to interfer with their relationship but I was concerned about the spoiling and lack of discpiline. No matter how many times I talked to her about it she did not change her behavior, and still hasn't. He would be unruly at home for 2 days every time he spent the night with her. I just told myself that as he got older he'd realize that different people have different house rules. behavior that is acceptable for her is not acceptable at home. With time he did. At 4yrs, Grandma is still his favorite person, but he only needs a good nap at home (she doesn't make him sleep at her house) to be my sweet boy again instead of the spoiled creature she turns him into. He even has better control of himself at her house and doesn't need the discpline as much anyway. He knows Mom is mom and Grandma is not (a point I don't think grandma is too clear on sometimes). He now even tells her when he wants to go home after spending the night, he used to cry about going home. He's starting to recognize that too much of a good thing can spoil it all. I almost wish for this problem with #2, 10 mths. He screams at anybody but me and has since birth.

My advice to you to to let it go. Appreciate that someone loves your child so much. The one guideline I was consistent with was- her house=her rules, my house=my rules. On vacation, it should be a negotiation. He's on vacation too so why not let him do what he wants for the most part. As long as once your back home, it's back to Mommy Rules.

I was always thankful when my son would go to others in the family. I beleived it would be helpful when I would have to leave him in the nursery at church. It also gave me a moment to collect my thoughts. In your situation, with your sister-in-law spoiling him; I think that it will teach him boundries. You need to stick with the disapline at home. He will love you for it, he DOES love you. But, your sister-in-law needs to try to abide by your wishes. I know that is difficult. I have a similar problem with my mother-in-law (as far as the spoiling goes). My kids don't like to be held by anyone.

I wish you the best, and I will keep you in my prayers.

Be thankful for the help, enjoy the break, and fight the urge to feel jealous or stay away from her. You both need one another - you for the break, and her for the time with a child she never had. And if she is so great with your child, that is an added benefit to have someone who adores him and for him to have someone other than mom who he is so smitten with! You get a break and the breaks are what I feel helps make us better mothers.

Gosh - that could have been my post and it's been something I've been trying to get my head around lately. In my case it was a daycare provider that is the special friend. I decided to cut back on the days he was there because he always came home with an attitude. She likes to be their friends and get on their level and uses slang words and he comes home with all these experessions in his vocab. that I just hate. I also decided that when she comes over to visit at our house that I'm not just going to let her take over - that I will do the disciplining--and I have to really assert myself or she will just take over. And it's easy to give in because she is "helping" but I needed to put my foot down. It wasn't about being jealous but about helping my son develop in the way that I want, without taking away some important friendships and grownups in his life. A little space can help a lot.

Hi, Adele~

The child isn't creating the problem, here -- the adults are. He's innocent. You and your sister-in-law MUST (did I say MUST) get 'on the same page' about your son if you'll continue to be around her much. It's OK for someone else to 'spoil' your child with attention, but NOT with things that YOU DON'T APPROVE of!! YOU are the boss. He is YOUR child. If she doesn't want to comply, SHE should be disciplined by not getting to see him as much. See??

We lived beside my parents while raising our 4 kids, and Mom kept them a lot. She would rock the kids to sleep, but I wouldn't. They knew this. It was OK. She DIDN'T give them treats that I disapproved of, though. It's a matter of mutual respect for each other and THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD.

It's also harder to 'get along' when you're all in the same vicinity (like vacation). A child can only have one 'boss' at a time. Probably when you're all together, she overrides your authority (which, like you said, helps you out a lot). Just make sure that after she's gone, he's back to doing what Mama says.

I hope you get things 'set straight' with her and you come to agreement on how things should be done.

God bless!

We have the same thing with our oldest (3 1/2 year old) and my inlaws....I do not feel bad, and just enjoy the brake:)I also had that happened when I was a nanny.A little boy that was 3 months old then I met him , but the time he was 18 month he would go with me in the heart beat, not even saying bye to mom(and he was not even a son in the family that I was working for , but friend's son). You will always be his mom, and it's always special to have a wonderful aunt. I would for sure talk to her about giving him junk food and sweets though.

my son does this to me when we visit my mom. hes about the same age, and wanted her to do everything-bath, rocking to sleep, food, he wouldnt even let me get his cup for him!! he chose me when he woke up in the middle of the night though. dnt worry, he will always come back to you!