What to Do When Your Friend Loses His Wife and He Doesn't Want to Talk to You/

C.

Grief affects people in many ways.

We have a friend who lost his wife of 30 years 2 years ago. She had been sick for a long time - like the last 15 years - so he was not really happy in his marriage but he vowed for better or for worse, sickness and in health - he started dating again about 6 months after she died. A few women here and there and about a year after she died, he found one that he is smitten with and even asked her to marry him. He didn't even introduce her to the kids BEFORE he asked her - we finally met her and are not exactly smitten with her. They are now house hunting together....we are being supportive.

What you need to do is let him know you are there for him and reach out. Don't do it every day - ask him to lunch or dinner and see how it goes. He may not want to talk with ANYONE right now. Give him some space and time.

Good luck!

When you say "What did I do?" you sound annoyed at him, like why isn't he talking to me, I haven't done anything - as if he's being rude. He is grieving.

Be respectful.

This isn't about you.

I'm not sure what you mean "What to do?"

I can suggest what not to do - don't make demands or pressure him, and whatever you do, don't say "Did we upset you?" or "Have we done anything?".

No offense, but I can't stand when people say "What have I done?" when they are just focused on their own lives.

He is going through the biggest loss of his life, and you probably rank very low down on the list of his priorities at this point in time. Your friendship may not even cross his mind at this point.

If he still doesn't reach out over time, it could be that he is depressed or it could mean that he did not value your friendship as much as his wife did. Either way, I would not force the issue. Unless you're exceptionally close with him, I would just let things be.

Give him some space.
He was part of a couple - and half of him is gone now - so seeing you and your husband in a happy marriage might be reminding him of what he has lost and that can be painful.
A lot of the time single people don't do a lot of socializing with married people.
He has to adjust to a new reality.
Cut back on your reaching out but maybe in 6 months time ask him out for coffee.
You didn't do anything wrong except to maybe not see things from his point of view.
Just give him time.

you give him his space to grieve privately if your support isn't something that's working for him right now.

maybe it's just not all about you.

khairete
S.

Did you spend a lot of time together as couples? It sounds like maybe you did based on your wording, so please remember that maybe he can't bear to be with you without her. Seeing you is one more reminder that she is gone. Continue to stay supportive and keep in contact but don't be offended if he doesn't accept your invitations for a while.

It sounds like maybe you haven't lost someone significant in your life, and that is a blessing. But when you lose someone very significant it truly does affect every second of every day and grief manifests itself in different ways. Continue to contact your friend and don't be afraid to talk about his wife. Bringing her up won't remind him that she's gone, he already knows, but it will let him know that you are thinking about her too.

Everyone grieves differently. After my husband died suddenly in October, 2015, I have gone through periods where I don't want to see or communicate with anyone.

It is painful to see others laughing and enjoying their lives when yours has just fallen apart and you are trying to adjust to a new normal. A simple grocery trip brings tears sometimes even this far out for me.

I am doing better now and trying VERY hard to be more social but most who know me, know that I am holed up in my safe spot all weekend long because I don't like weekends. I am really trying and those who truly know me and truly care understand the emotional state I am sometimes in.

Just let him know you care and don't push anything. He will come around in his own time.

It is HARD to pick up and keep going with the routine you once had with friends you shared because you are missing your spouse/best friend

Remember that this is not about you. He suffered a huge loss and it takes a huge toll on the living spouse.

I lost one of my dearest friends to a horribly aggressive breast cancer. From the time of diagnosis to death was less than a year. We have daughters the same age. It really rocked my world and made me understand how precious life is and raising your kids to adulthood isn’t a given.

When she died, it was a horrible time. I wanted so badly to do anything I could for them. Arranged meals through our church for an extended period of time so he could just be with his girls in the evening.

He pulled away from us. I think it was due, to a large extent, that so much of our relationship was as couples. It was hard on us and so I know it had to be terrible for him. He told me later he needed to tell me he was dating someone (like maybe I would be upset). I told him I had been praying for him to find a special lady to help him finish raising his girls. He really appreciated my thoughts.

Things were never the same. I am grateful for the season we had with them and have so many great memories. But here’s the thing - life is full of seasons. You have the choice to celebrate and be grateful for the times you had. Hope for the future relationship to evolve, but if it doesn’t, understand it’s not anyone’s fault. It’s a casualty of the experience.

I think you have to be respectful, and understand that people mourn in different ways.

It's quite likely that doing the same things as he did before just highlight her absence - she'll always be missing from the couples' activities you used to do.

It's also possible that you are trying too hard to comfort him. Are you asking him to talk about her all the time? Are you helping "too much" and it's not what he needs? Are you doing what you want to do, know how to do, and think he needs, without understanding that it's not what he wants? Are you pushing to hard? I don't know - just raising possibilities. Also, have you considered that he's dating someone new, and he doesn't want to be part of old social relationships he had with his wife, either because he's embarrassed or because he's done grieving and wants happy times and distractions? Maybe he fears criticism from his old friends and so he's avoiding you.

C.

Why does it always have to be about YOU? Look at your other posts, it's about you being a victim. You being pushed aside. MAYBE the problem is YOU. Maybe you're trying too hard to insert yourself in his life. Maybe he needs space.

I need you to understand I am NOT trying to be mean. It seems like you feel you know best. In this case, you don't. Give the man breathing room. Give him time to grieve.

Each person griefs in their own way. If he needs space and time-let it be. Send in a note or call, deliver flowers or some sort of a basket of things he likes and just write a note “we are here for you.” Check up on him time to time, but if he chooses to pull away..,it is what it is.

He may be dating or just upset that he lost his wife and old friends remind him of her and of the good times you had together.. but again it’s his choice.

Just give him time. Let him know that you are thinking of him and are here for him but don't push the relationship. When my father died my mother had a hard time wanting to keep a relationship with his family. They all love my mother but it was hard for her to go to family events without my father even though I was there. They called her and would include her in events and she finally came around. It took a couple of years so just be patient and let your friend know you will be there for him without pushing the issue. Good luck!!

Seems your friend is one more person who pushes you away? Have you considered that you may be wanting to help and keep on pushing after they ask you to back off? I suggest you just let them live life as they want instead of insisting they accept your help.

Your sister in law asked you to stop helping her mother with the porch, yet you insisted that you do what you want.

Same with your mother in law. She is able to take care of herself. When you hover you are telling her she isn't able to care for herself. Do you not realize that when you insist, you're telling her she's helpless. You're making her feel worse.

Now your widowed friend. He is telling you he doesn't want your help. Yet you want to find a way to make him accept your help. Why can't you let others decide what is best for them?

Perhaps helping makes you feel good about yourself. Now accept that they want to do what makes them feel good about themselves. I suggest you only offer help when someone asks for your help.

Your friend has told you he doesn't want to talk about himself and his wife's death. He has the right to grieve any way he chooses. When you push yourself on others, you're disrespecting them and their ability to make decisions for themselves.

To your question "what did you do?" You have not allowed him to grieve as he wants. When you insist he talk with you and continue to socialize with you, you are telling him what you want is more important than what he wants. Can you accept that what he tells you is the only way to help him. Acceptance means you'll let him grieve the way he's chosen. That you will stop pushing him to do what you want. Let him be in charge of how he grieves.

This means you don't call him, don't invite him to do things with you. Let him come to you when he wants. Honor his decisions. Honor yourself by accepting his choice.

Seems like you like to help. I suggest volunteering where people want your help. Work at a food bank. Serve food at a shelter. There are many organizations who would like your help. Choose one in which you can agree to follow the coordinator's lead. Learn that you are valuable when letting someone else tells you how you can help.