When Is It "Time" to Moe on After Loss of Loved One?

i think it's TIME when HE is ready. not when friends and family are ready. he'll do it in his own good time. my grandmother and grandfather were married for 60+ years. i would say the week after he died, she had his stuff out. she's not really the emotional, loving type. then i've known people who don't ever move on. they can't. their love was to deep for them to even consider having someone else in their lives. let him do it at his own pace. it's only been 7mos. he was married for 34 years. just think if it was a child. would you say to him. clean out the stuff. it's about time for you to do so. i say let him be. i know you are concerned for him emotionally, and that you love him and want the best for him. but he is the only one who knows when it's best to do these things.

I think with it only be 7mths, he's OK. 34yrs is along time to be with someone. Is he getting out of the house and doing other social things? Does he work? I would think as long as he's getting out of the house and doing some social things, he's starting to move on in his own way. Maybe he likes to be able to wake up in the morning and still see her stuff there. I've only been with my SO for 12yrs and I couldn't imagine being ready to get rid of his stuff and back in the dating game after 7mths. To me, that seems way to soon.
Hopefully things get better!

My mom died in January, my dad just married the woman he met three weeks after she died. Ya know there has to be a middle somewhere. :(

My best friend growing up, her mom died six months before my mom did. Her dad hasn't gone through anything. I had kinda hoped the two guys would hang out since they live across the street, no luck there either. :(

Parents! what are you going to do, ya know?

You're a good daughter. Dads lucky to have you. Everyone grieves in thier own way, in thier own time. You are doing the best you can, by offering to help, but backing off when it's clear he isn't ready. Just be open to his timetable and keep offering your love, support, and understanding.

Awww, this is a beautiful love story. I am so sorry about your Mom.

Yes, by all means, allow him to freely take the time he needs.

He's so young (my guy is 55). But if a few years go by, and that bottle of her favorite shampoo (that he doesn't use) is still in the shower....he may need some help.

Otherwise, you are right, 7 months is a very short period of time compared to the length of their life together. He is lucky to have such beautiful caring daughters to help him through.

Thinking about you and your family.

:)

It's only been 7 months. He was married for how many years? The grief counselor at our church says that 6 months in the minimum - but that's usually for adult children. For spouses it's often longer - especially men. Men don't have the outlets that many women have, and their wives usually are often their primary emotional outlet. Which also explains why men are more likely to remarry more quickly - they don't have the close emotional connections that many women have.

If by 12 months he still is in a funk then he should consider a grief counseling meeting - it's very comforting to hear that others feel the same as you do. My husband went to one at our church about 6-7 months after his dad passed away and it was a huge help for him - and I doubt he did much talking - he probably listened more than anything. Knowing that your'e not the only one who can feel "this way" is healing in itself.

As for dating - that's no one's business but his. He can decide if and when he wants to do so - that's so very personal no one has a right to say a thing. If someone has the nerve to ask you about yoru dad and dating I'd say something like "gee, that's such a personal decision why would you ask such a thing? I would never presume to know when a widow or widower would be ready to date!" Let that person feel like the knucklehead that they are!

Good luck mama - people are clueless!

It took my aunt almost 10 years. Yes, 10 YEARS!!! She and my uncle were the loves of each other's lives. They were one. She continued to keep his things and live like he were coming home any minute.
Her Boxer puppy helped, she got that after maybe 2 years. The dog lived for about 9 years or so.
Aunt has a friend now but she refuses to make any true commitment. We love her friend and he is very patient, very much in love with my aunt. She has thrown herself into her job and kids. But she is finally happy again. My uncle died almost 17 years ago. He was only maybe 54 or 55.
My aunt had a real hard time this last spring when my grandfather died, her dad. She had to be strong for Grandma but she was feeling the same feelings again.
And it took her 15 years to move out of the house where he died, that is when she finally put some of his things away for the kids later on.

Bring your dad out with you. Let him have a good time and talk about mom. About how she would love for him to have a good time even though she cant; be there. And be patient.

Dear C.,

I am truly sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how you must feel. If I lost my husband, I would want to crawl in a hole and never come out.

If I've learned anything about grief, it's that there are no rules. There is no timeline and everyone will walk through it differently. This can take a tremendous toll on relationships. When we are grieving, it can be almost impossible to relate to someone else's ways of doing so, and it can drive us apart.

There is no way it's appropriate for others to impose their own timelines or methods of grieving on anyone else. There is simply no way for them to feel what the other person is feeling. This can also backfire big time. If he is pushed into a new relationship, etc (for example) and he isn't truly ready, now he has the potential to really hurt someone else who may have grown to care for him.

Please allow him the time and space he needs. Don't allow anyone else to pressure you or him based on how things look to them from the outside. Have patience. Be sensitive and unconditionally loving and supportive.

After spending 34 years (the entire length of time I've been on this planet)together I think 7 months seems pretty quick to have moved on & start dating. As far as stuff like that goes, I say give the guy a break. We're talking about close to 1/70th of the amount of time that he DID spend with her is all that's passed since he HASN'T been with her.

Cleaning out her closet(s), it's probably getting close to that time. Cleaning out her stuff from the bathroom, yeah, seems like it's time for that, too. Honestly though, everyone goes through it at their own pace & trying to push them into speeding it up certainly isn't helping them at all.

It seems to me like the entire first year after a death is by far the hardest. I mean, the first time you had a birthday, or an anniversary, or Christmas without your beloved has got to be amazingly difficult, right?

I'm so sorry for your loss, for you & your entire family, but I would tell everyone else really to just back off of your Dad entirely.

So sorry for your family's lost! Let him mourn the loss of the Love of His Life.....we cannot put a time line on mourning and we all mourn differently. I would suggest spending as much time with him as you and the family can, check in on him everydayby phone and maybe inviting him out of the house to stay with you or another family member for a minute.

It takes as long as it takes.
Its only been 7 months. Id give him at least a year. It is hard for the first year with each holiday. Those first holidays without her will be the hardest. After a year goes by, he might get better. Once he gets used to being alone, he will heal better and start to want some life back in his routine. You cant force him, or speed it up. People saying he HAS to move on, have no idea how he feels. Even if they lost a loved one, they felt the way they felt, not the way he feels. He has to go thru it and it will take him as long as it takes him. Im sorry your M. is gone. I lost my M. almost 4 years ago. I still find myself picking up the phone to call her,, and wondering if shes watching the same tv show Im watching and laughing at the same stuff I laugh at. It just takes time.

This sounds almost exactly like the situation we are in. My MIL passed away about 15 months ago after being married to my FIL for about 36 or so years from lung cancer. It was very sudden, only about 5 weeks passed between her diagnosis and when she passed away. They were the love of each others lives. Got married at 18 and had 2 sons soon after. My FIL was a mess, wouldnt talk about her would break down very easily, didnt want to go out etc etc...Your dad needs time to grieve. Everybody grieves differently and he should have as much time as he needs. My FIL ended up cleaning out my MIL stuff on his own, I think it is something he wanted to do by himself. Some stuff my husband and I helped with but your dad needs to be ready on his own. It is too bad that everybody thinks there are certain time lines in which people have to grieve, I have to admit even I would get frustrated with my FIL because I just wanted everything to go back to normal so I thought why cant you move on? He tried counseling for awhile and I thinked it helped a little but in the end he found a confidant at work that he would always talk to. I hope that your dad can find the same. My FIL has just recently been kind of seeming like he is more normal. The entire 1st year is going to be really tough, because everything is going to be the 1st whatever without her. Give your dad the time he needs, as I am sure you are doing and try to take any cues from him that you can in regards to helping clean stuff out etc. Good luck, I am so sorry for you loss. My MIL was just as much a mom to me as my own mom so I can imagine your sorrow and I will think of you during this difficult time.

7 months is still kind of in that area where everything is still fresh in his mind. He is in a lot of pain, and I think people should mind their business when it comes to his grief, and when to move on. I don't think you every really move on, but you come to terms with it, and accept it. People "move on" differently. Grief also has several stages to go through. He probably is just taking things one day at a time right now, and having trouble processing everything. I would just make sure he isn't withdrawing and isolating from everyone altogether. That's when you tend to worry more,especially when they get depressed. That is when they truly aren't coping well, and need help to process and accept the death of a loved one.

As far as dating goes, your father may, or your father may not choose to date again. I would think it would be a very long time, especially the process that your father is in right now, for him to date anyone. My grandfather died at 58 years old from lung cancer, my grandmother was 55 at the time. She chose not to marry or date anyone else. She has been happy living by herself close to 30 years. She is very social, but stated that she would never "take care of another man as long as I live", she loved her husband very much.

I would give your father as much time as he needs. I also would make sure to keep supporting him as you have been doing. Make yourself available at any time, and let him know you love and care for him. Make sure he eats , and is taking care of himself.

If at any time you see him not taking care of himself, not picking up the house, not returning calls, etc. I would discuss then for him to talk to someone about his grief.

Very sorry for your loss. I hope that all of you will find peace and comfort during this time.

If he had such a strong reaction last time I would leave it alone. He will know when he's ready. And when he is ready he will move on. By continuing to bring it up you are probably frustrating him and you risk th chance if pushing him away. I am assuming you have a husband and children that fill your house right now. The only things he has are her possessions. Why would you want to take that from him. Pls let him mourn the way he sees fit. Men also mourn differently and older men as your dad were not raised the way we raise our boys to express themselves. Let him know you are here for him and give him lots of love. But by bringing up any suggestions fir him to move on, by cleaning out her stuff or dating, when he is not ready is so invalidating, even if that is not your intention that is the impact. Hope this helps.

I think its time to move on when he is ready.

Do NOT pressure him to get rid of your moms stuff.

DO call him regularly to check in on him and talk and let him talk about your mom as much as he wants. Lots of people may not want to bring her up because they dont want to upset him, but he probably would like to talk about her, even if it makes him sad. You might say something like, "I wish mom could see this" or "Remember when mom.." My dad died 7 years ago, and I really tried to give my mom plenty of time to talk about him.

DO be supportive and encouraging. Let him know that you are proud of the steps he has taken to keep going with his life.

DO make sure that your dad is getting out of the house and engaging in some sort of social hobbies or activities, in addition to work.

My mom goes to quilters group, and started going to movies with friends and joined some sort of library club. She has not dated, even though my sister and I have told her that it would be ok with us. She just prefers being single and free to come and go as she pleases.

:)

After 7 months, he should date? I don't think so, who the heck said that? My mother died at 58, 6 years ago. My step father started dating after about 4 years, but still hasn't found anyone to live up to my mother.
He cleaned out her stuff after about 4 years, he wasn't ready before then. We didn't say anything, it's his house, so he can clean out the stuff when he is ready - he will ask you to help no doubt.
I think it would be crass for him to date at anything under a year, getting rid of stuff, any time from a year onward, or when ready.
It took my stepfather a long time, many years to feel like himself again.

Ive lost both my parents fairly young. My mom when i was 8 and my dad when i was 23. I dont anyone ever really "gets over" this. I know my dad refused to date or even consider remarrying, he kept her jewelry the way it was and the house the way she decorated it. He died never having truly moved on. But thats ok, my mom was his life and i understand. The decision IF and WHEN to move on will be his and his alone. You cant do much other than be there for him and be understanding.

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that you and your sister continue to love and support eachother through this process. Your family will come through this.

He lost his love, his companion and his support of 34 years 7 months ago after loving and supporting her through the process of dying. There is no "time" frame here and no one (not you, your sister and certainly not friends) should be putting parameters around his grief.

Right now he doesn't want your "blessing" to move on and candidly it's not your right to give it. This is something that I hope he and your mother discussed before she died. He will go through her things when he's read and not one minute sooner. Please stop asking him. When he's ready he will either do it himself or ask one of you to do it.

When my grandmother passed away (65 years of marriage) my grandfather took nearly 9 months to go through her things. I remember him calling me one night just before he left for FL for 3 months and saying that he knew that he needed to do it, but that he simply couldn't. Could I do it for him? He didn't care what I did with it, but just asked that I not throw things out that could be used by someone else and that it be "done" before he returned. My cousin's wife and I spent three full days going through the house and did it for him- at his request.

My nephew died unexpectedly at age 2. My in-laws (and I) were devastated. He died at home in his crib. They shut his bedroom door and didn't touch it for six months. I got a call one night with my SIL in tears asking us if we could come and box things up- donate items, get rid of the crib. Again- their request. We then spent the weekend with them making his room into a playroom for their children and for all of the cousins b/c they wanted that room to be a "happy place", not a "sad one".

My father-in-law was killed in a car accident in March of this year. My husbnand has cleaned out the garage and basement at the request of his mother, but she just isn't ready to go through the closets. My husband's answer "OK mom- I'm really not ready either. When you are, I'll help."

We've learned the "hard way" that these stages do progress, but all in good time... he will let you know when he's ready to clean out the closets... he will let you know when he's ready to socialize again.... he'll let you know when he's ready to date again. It may take years, but if you push him you will be met only with anger.

Patience and love.

I have dealt with a lot of greiving people and everyone moves on at their own pace. Rather than worrying about Mom's stuff still in the house I would be more concerned about his general mental health. Does he go out and spend time with friends? Even meeting a friend for lunch or dinner once a week helps. He needs to keep up his social life and be around other people. Instead of pushing him to box up Mom's stuff make sure he is staying active and involved. He is quite young yet and has a lot of living to do, but he has to do it at his own pace. Maybe he can increase his circle of friends, men and women by joining a group or club of some kind. Anything from bird watching to a gym will involve him in new activities with new people.
When he is ready to start cleaning out Mom's closet box up the clothes and see if you can have a quilt made from her clothes. That way she will be with him but in a different form.

He will move on when he's ready to. He may decide to never date again. There is nothing wrong with that. It isn't up to anyone else to decide how he should grieve or when he should move on. He's a grown man and he will heal in his own time, in his own way, and he has earned the right to live his life on his terms and not be told by others what he should do. I have a good friend who lost her husband when she was only 50. She adamantly refuses to date. She said he was her one true love and she wants no other. This doesn't mean she has an unfulfilled life. She has kids and grand kids that occupy much of her free time, and she travels the world at least once a year. She's a pro at group tours, and has made many friends around the world. I believe she's actually in England right now. She enjoys her life the way it is, on her terms. Your father should be able to do the same.

Moving through grief is an individual process. In my mind, he should move on when he's ready. There's no timeline that would work for everyone, or method that would work for everyone. I think trying to force it, isn't helpful.

My suggestion is take his lead. Ask him how you can help (not to move on, but to support him in his grief).

I've never attended one personally, but I have loved ones who have found strength, connection, and solace in bereavement support groups. Often, hospitals will host them and they are free.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope you are getting all the support you need. Big hugs.

I think it is very individual. Someone can "move on" the next day and other takes years. I think you should just leave it up to him and be available when he is ready. You can say, "You know Dad, when you are ready, I will be here, but the time frame is up to you." He may never be ready. Other's will have to accept that.

i agree with many. everyone is different. i have a friend that lost her husband 20 years ago and she never dated and has a full and happy life involved with her kids and grandkids. i have another friend that married less then 2 years after his wife passed away. some people are ok alone after having a fulfilling relationship. others want the company and move on. i think you are doing the right thing by letting him know you are available to help when he's ready. let him be the judge of when he's ready. To those that tell you he HAS to move on, tell them thank you for the concern but Dad will move on when he's ready.

Ummm I think 7 months is way too soon to be dating and "MOVING ON" Your mom was not his flight by night GF. She was to be his soulmate and partner for life..Unfortunately she had an untimely death. This is tragic and he is grieving..There is no time limit on grieving. If he doesn't get rid of her things and date for awhile so what...Most importantly he needs to be surrounded by his family and be given emmotional support. He does need to keep active and not close off the world even as he grieves..That is what I would be most concerned with...Whoever suggested dating after 7 months needs to have their head read...I can't imagine losing my husband like that and then jumping right into a new relationship....Just support your Dad for now. It took my Mom 3 years before she could go through my Grandma's stuff and do the donate pile.

Hi C., I lost my darling Daddy four months ago. Everyone has to take the grieving journey alone and do it at their own pace. My mom cleaned out most of my dad's stuff the day after he died, but we are still mourning every day. Do you ever have those times when you think, 'oh, I must tell mom that', and then you remember they're gone? I had one of those yesterday. I really can't imagine people suggesting your dad start dating yet. it's going to take your dad a while, maybe even years for him to adjust. He may need help from his doctor if he develops depression, but I wouldn't push him to move on just yet.

My MIL passed away 13 years ago, before I met my husband. She fought cancer for 6+ years and was end stage for more than 6 months, during which time my FIL took a leave of absence from work to care for her at home. They were both in their 50s and had been married for 30 years.

From what my husband recalls, his dad had at least 6 months where he pretty much went to work, came home, heated up a TV dinner, ate in his recliner and called it a day. He did start going out on dates towards the end of the first year and within a couple of years, started dating his current wife, who he married 6 years after his first wife passed away. Even at that point, his first wife's "stuff" was still all over the house - clothes in the closet, artwork and momentos everywhere, etc. It wasn't until he and his wife sold that house (9 years after her passing) that things really got cleaned out. There is still a lot of "her stuff" in their new house as well as our house. I think it's OK to leave her things where they are - there is no need to go purging through her belongings before there is a need and want to do so.

A positive that came out of this time of grief is that my husband, his brother and their dad became much closer. They would go on vacations together and just hang out and make plans together to do something fun. So if at all possible, do try to make plans to do things with him whenever you can. I'm sorry for your loss!

Please help him rmember that everyone grieve's differently and at a different pace. I lost my father October of last year. part of me thinks my mom is taking it almost too well. I feel like I am grieving more then her...but thats the thing we all grieve different because we all have a different connection with the lost loved one, even brothers and sisters. Sorry for your loss and big hugs for your family. I have found that Grief Share has been a great resource for my family www.griefshare.org You can maybe see if there is a local group meeting in your and your dads area.

Everyone grieves differently. It may take a month it may take two or more years before he actually feels ready to do something.

Don't force your dad to do anything as you will all regret it. Just be there for him and if he wants to cry or such let him and don't think any lesser of him. He is your dad but he is also a man that has just lost his bestest buddy/friend/lover/mother of his children. That's a whole lot to take in and try to figure what would x have said? And now he is the one that has to make the decisions for himself (might be a new thing for him). Let him take baby steps and test the water so to speak. Over the next few years he will begin to move on slowly at first and then into a pace he can handle.

My condolenses go to you and your dad.

The other S.

PS Just have the neighbors keep an eye on him that he doesn't do anything unusual and that he is taking care (hygiene) of himself. He will pull through and so will you.

Hello there,
First, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. Second, my MIL just passed the one year anniversary of the death of her husband of 35 years just last month. I can tell you where she is right now, although everyone grieves differently. At one year, her closet is still full of his clothing. Personal toiletries are gone, but I would say that she still has 60% of his stuff still in the house. Just the other day she was commenting that it's probably time to begin going through it all.

She still has her rough moments, especially lately because it was the 1 year anniversary. The large picture board that we created for his funeral is still in her bedroom; she's just now considering breaking it down because looking at all the photos and memories is starting to get to be too much for her right now.

She has a great group of friends her age and two cousins her age and they have proved to be wonderful support for her and she has become busy, busy, busy doing things with them. This has been wonderful for her. Because although her two sons and our families all live close by, we all work full-time and with kids in school, our lives can be hectic. We all see her weekly, though.

One thing that has been very, very difficult for her to adjust to is what she perceives as a change in her place in this world. She's no longer part of a couple, she's no longer a wife. She's no longer "needed" as she was when my FIL was alive because he required special health care for decades. That change in her "status" for lack of a better word, has been very, very hard on her. She and my FIL were the "hub" of our family and that has now changed. She relies on us much more now and looks to her sons to make some decisions for her. She has confided in me that evenings are the worst for her. Days might be filled w/ grandchildrens' visits, errands, etc. but nights are now empty, unless she's out with friends.

I commend you and your sister for wanting to know what your dad is going through and how he's managing. I imagine he may find it difficult to express the emotions he's experiencing right now, esp. being a man. I would lay off the dating suggestions; I can't imagine after 30 plus years of a happy marriage that he's in a place where he's ready for that at just 7 months later. At one year later for my MIL, that is the absolutely last thing on her mind. Since your dad is in his 50s, he's really still young and he'll be ready when he's ready. He doesn't need anyone pushing him in that regard. I think it is fine, however, to suggest that you'd be willing to help him go through your mom's items, but I really wouldn't push that too much, either. Make the offer, see what he says. But like I said, we're all different and we all grieve at different paces and in different ways. My MIL joined a grief group for awhile and some of the women there were still grieving 7 years after their husband's death! My MIL was flabbergasted at that. She stayed w/ the group for a few more months, but quit after awhile because she DOES want to move forward and not keep holding on as these women seemed to be. I thought that sounded like a healthy decision.

Good luck and again, very sorry for you and your family.

There is no set time table for mourning.
Some people take longer than others, and some people NEVER get over it.
My Mom's significant other passed away suddenly 10 years ago and not getting over it is what makes her happy.
Being miserable makes her happy.
Tending a grave site makes her happy.
Clinging to what was one of the happiest relationships/times in her life is what she wants to do.
I've had to accept this is how she wants to live her life.
Honestly - 7 months is not that long.
A typical period for a long term relationship (and there are exceptions) is anywhere from 1 to 3 YEARS.
Be there for him, but don't push him - let him set his own pace.
As far as helping your father clean things out - offer to help if he wants it, but if he says no - it's possible it will not get cleaned out till he passes away - and that's perfectly fine if that's what he wants.
His life and how he wants to live it is up to him, and it's hard - but this is not about you or your sister or anyone else.

My mom died unexpectedly almost 14 yrs ago & to be honest w/u my dad just remarried about 3 yrs ago. Although my dad wanted my mom's belongings out of the house ASAP, he still had to go thru things at his own pace. And I don't mean just her belongings - it takes a lot of time sometimes and although you and your sister may feel that giving him your blessing is helpful, he may feel in a sense that it is betraying your mother's memory. Your dad will move forward with his life, he just may do it at his own pace. One thing that I thought of quite often was that when I left my parent's house, I at least had my newborn and went home to my husband. My dad was left in that house alone, with nothing but memories - you may be moving on with your grieving process in your own way, but the important thing is to allow him his time to mourn as well , the loss of a mother is one of the greatest losses we may go thru as a woman but I can't even begin to think of what my dad lost the day my mom died. It sounds like you have nothing but what's in your father's best interest at heart, but perhaps he may need a litte more time and may be able to talk to you and your sister when he's ready to move forward with things. It is a very hard thing to go through, but it is wonderful that he has a caring daughter such as yourself to help him through it.

My dad passed away two years ago my step mom just barely got to the point of going out and doing things with her friends I cannot see her dating at any point. What you and everyone else needs to remember is that you still wake up in your house with your kids and your life- They wake up to memories and silence everyday.
Give it time I dont think a year and half was too long for her to mourn let your dad do this in his own time.

Well I have never lost a parent but I have lost a Grandparent which to some are just like 2nd parents but I know not the same and I wouldn't even try to compare the two. However I think that each person grieves in their own way and I do not think that it is right to tell a person to just "get over it" and move on with their life if they aren't "ready" too. Just like as babies we all talk, cut teeth, walk, crawl at different stages. Grief can be a similiar thing. Where you are at in your mourning process may not be the same for a sibling or father. I don't think it is fair to push -he was with her for half of his life depending on when they married but 34 years is a very long time. It may happen when you or anyone else least expects it or he himself may end up surprising himself one day. Meeting someone isn't always what its cracked up to be and there are some people in this world that NEVER actually get over the death of a spouse. Some people never move on when they have to bury their own child and I don't think you ever fully "get over it" life just becomes easier day by day. My own Grandmother had to bury her son (my dad's brother) and to this very day if she talks about him she just breaks down into tears. There are times she can but you see the tears well up and it just breaks my heart in two to see her cry like that because I cannot imagine the hurt. He will move forward when he is ready and he will mourn in his own way-let him. People just tend to express their views and sometimes not even in a respectful way about how another person is dealing with the loss....it's not their say so. I understand that sometimes someone can hang on in an unhealthy way and as his daughter that is your job to try and detect that but honestly you are not going to be able to force him into doing anything until he wants to. I would just encourage him to go see a counselor maybe or find a support group if he is willing. Men have a harder time expressing their feelings and if your dad is anything like mine-he would never ever resort to go and see a counselor not sure if that's just a "man" thing or if that is a "personality" thing or a "generational" thing?? However you can encourage him and bug him enough to where he just might go. It's almost like when you were a kid and you begged non-stop straight to let him allow you to have that kitty cat. Eventually you wear him down to where he will go.....but just be careful because you don't want him to feel like he has to shell up even more. Just let him know you are there for him whenever he needs to talk and whenever he is ready to do whatever he needs to and just encourage him that maybe cleaning out just "some" of the items will help him whether he realizes it or not......otherwise tell him he will end up on "hoarders" okay I am totally kidding about that but alot of times these homes end up that way because of a death in the family.

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom in 2008 suddenly due to a brain aneurysm. She was 56 and my dad is now 60. My sisters and I have left it up to our dad as to when he was ready to go through all of mom's stuff (like you are doing). Your dad needs to come to this decision on his own. He can only do it when he is ready. I wouldn't concern myself if I were you at this point. It's only been 7 months. My dad put away a lot of the stuff that was laying out that belonged to my mom within the few months after her passing but he didn't go through all of her clothes and other possessions until close to a year from her passing. He since had to downsize from the home that we basically grew up in and moved into a one bedroom apartment. That for all of us was hard to see the house go but it was just a house. We still have our memories. To this day, my dad still wears his wedding ring (they would have been married for 41 years this year) and he hasn't ventured out on dating. I personally don't know when or if that will happen. My point is, every person has a different way of coping. Some take longer. I would only worry about your dad if he was still the same in say another two years or so. Don't push him too much. That will only cause resentment especially if he isn't ready. Good luck.

Hi C.,
I'm sorry about your mom.
The thing is there is no "right" answer to your question.
Everyone grieves differently and in their own time.
Everyone *does* follow the stages of grief and that will be a good indicator for you as to where your dad *is* with his grief (Google 'stages of grief')
When my step father passed away, everyone told my mom to "get out--keep busy!" Bad advice. Grief will have it's course. Your dad will know when it's time to go through clothes, etc. Right now it's important for him to feel his loss--go through photos, listen to their favorite music, etc. The advice to "get over it and keep busy" will only prolong the grieving process. Better to let him do it completely, the first time, in his time. Your mother WILL be grieved by him--whether it's this year--or in 10 years--it's a process. He's doing just fine.
Has he attended any grief support groups? Actually my mom was discouraged by them because there would be people that lost spouses 10 years ago still crying like it was yesterday. Not encouraging for her as a widow. Did your mom have any hospice care? If so, they usually have a grief counselor who can do a few O.-on-O. visits with your dad--this was very helpful to my mom.
Good luck to your family!

I'm sorry for your loss..I hope you have very happy memories of your mom...

My MIL has been dead since 2006...my FIL has yet to date or clean out the house....they were married 45 years when she died...

I don't know when the "proper" time is...it's NOT for me to judge or decide..it is up to the person....

My Grandmother (dad's mom) has been alone for 18 years now and living with my parents for 16 of it...she was married to her husband (step grandfather) for oh my - 50 years when he died...she cleaned out the house and sold after 2 years...she moved in with my parents...

My Dad's step-mom (and whom he called MOM - he calls his bio mom byt her first name)....mother was alone until the day she died....they had already "cleaned house" - so she was starting "fresh" without him when she moved from Minnesota to South Dakota...but she still had him in her heart...

I had a GF whose husband died in Iraq...she was remarried inside of 2 years after he died....

So after all this rambling - I don't know...it all depends upon the person and their beliefs...I would NOT force my father to do anything he is not ready to do...

Im sorry for ur loss. Well I lost my husband and it is extremly difficult to move on it has been a little over 3 yrs since he passed. People say it gets easier but it don't. Especially around holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and even family gatherings. Nothing is the same. I tried to go out and meet someone but I find myself trying to find my husband. So in my eyes there is no one for me. It may be that way for ur father too. Just be there for him when he needs u. Don't push him into anything he is not ready for. You don't want him to end up unhappy and miserable. I will keep ur family in my prayers.

C.,
I am so sorry for your family's loss!! Please do not push your dad in any way....he will move on when he feels he is ready. Just let him know you are there for him no matter what he decides to do and are ready to listen when he is ready to talk about things. It sounds like you have a great relationship...don't do anything to jeopardize it, just show him you love him!!
Praying for your family!!

I'm so sorry for your loss! I just wanted to put in a little about what I've seen in my family, although I haven't lost anyone as close as a parent or sibling. My grandma never dated after my grandpa passed away. She lived about 17 years longer than he. My mom also never dated after her divorce and I don't think she ever will. It's been 10 years. Some people are not able to or don't feel the need. Obviously, it will probably be a very long time before you'd dad is ready, since he hasn't even moved any of your mom's things yet. I think you should embrace it if he ever does because it's sad to see someone lonely.
As many people have said, just try to be there for him and don't push him. My friend lost her father a couple years ago and I don't think she's moved on from it yet. In some ways, I think she starting to come around a little, but I know it will always be hard for her. Seven months doesn't seem like a very long time. I'm surprised so many people are trying to push it.

Hi C... First of all, I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom 1yr10mths ago after a 3 year battle with Brain Cancer-- she was 51 and her and my dad were married 32 years.
My dad remarried a year after she passed... and we (all) think he moved on too fast :) how strange the world is... She lives in another country so the visa process is still in the works but the clothes/items that have been taken out are clothes and jewelry that i took, my sis took and we gave to our aunts (Mami's sisters). Most of her shoes are still on the shoe rack.. the house is decorated all "Martha" - my Mom. We think he remarried to have a companion and not face being a widow. I moved back home to help out with Mom when she was dx and I am dying to move out now-- once his 'wife' arrives, I will do just that.
Everyone grieves and moves on at their own pace. Funny thing, i went to Griefshare, a church support group and the leader of the group said that when men go to support groups-- they tell them NOT To date any of the grieving women or any women for atleast 1 yr 1/2 because Men tend to fall in 'love' quicker than women do.
Your dad sounds like he is grieving as he should... 34 years of marriage is a long time-- and if he is eating, working and socializing?? he should be ok.
IF you notice that he is become depressed, withdrawn or there are warning signs that you as his daughter see-- then act on it immediately. Try to get him to a support group or maybe to visit you or your sister for a few days/weeks.
Best of Luck-- grief is a hard journey...

I hope my word will be of some comfort and give you some direction I lost my husband 8 years ago to stomach cancer. Thank goodness I had a very good doctor that sugguested I go to counsoling for up to one year I asked why so long his answer was because what you have done taking care of your husband for the last 13 months is trumra to you and I feel best that you get counsoling to help you for the next 12 months along with all the changes that will be taking place in your life. Well I thought about it and that was it then 6 weeks went by and I thought my whole world was coming down so I make another trip to the doctor his first words did you make that appointment I suggusted the last time I said no. After I left his office I make the appointment they sugguested a group session let me tell yu I was so scared but I went because I had to report back to my doctor. Well it was the best thing I could of done for myself the session was 8 wks long I ended going for 15 months every 8 wks the same classes were given this is what I got out of it: each time I went I got something new from the class because of where I was in my greving process this is what I wan to share with you, one day in class they were sharing how many times has friends and Family told you it's time to get over it and move on? we all said all the time the counselor said that is the worst thing that loved ones can say, I started crying the conselor started and asked me what I was feeling to make me cry, it took me back to the time when my own father passed away and my sister and I (like you and your sister) had told my mother over and over again you need to get over it to move on and live the rest of your life happy. at that momnet I felt I was standing in my mothers shoes and I felt so bad for not understanding her feeling. At this point my mother had also passed away for about 5 years. From that time on I have never told another person they need to move on. I would sugguest to ask your father to maybe join a group conseling with American Cancer Soceity in your area I also thought I needed to get take care of my husbands things durning conseling I wish I had waited a little longer I wish I would of held on to some of his clothing and made a quilt for each of my children and saved a few things for myself. Give him time it took me 15 months to feel okay remember he just lost the love of his life.....Just love him and always be there for him...I'm now 54 years old and have felt like it's time to date again!! hope this goves you comfort and things to think about take care always!! Elaine

C., my mom died eight years ago and the situation was much the same as your parents.. the one and only.. almost 50 years of marriage. .. and my dad is just now getting out there and trying to 'date' he is 76 years old and it is very hard for him.. i can just tell you that you should try to keep in touch as much as possible.. he will be lonely for a long long time and he needs you and the rest of your family but not people bugging him about cleaning out stuff..

my sister and I did clean out mom's stuff but we did it when he was not there and I think it was better for all of us that way..

please take care of yourself also because you might think you are done grieving but it may never stop in some way.. this year on Mother's day i had a total melt down when I went to bring mom flowers.. eight years later.. I don't think I ever had one that bad..

the last thing I want to tell you is that you and your family should make a point to be there for him go out to dinner or have a BBQ on those special occasions.. her birthday, their anniversary, and all the holidays.. don't let him be alone. we celebrate mom on those days especially..

I wish you God's love and peace,
C. (____@____.com)

p.s. i'm sorry if any of this was said before I couldn't figure out how to read other responses. ...

Your Dad will move on when he is ready and it may not be for a very long time. Everyone does things in their own time. All you can do is love and support him and show him you care as you are doing.

52 is too young an especially to lose your one and only. He will come around, but in his time. Hang in there! Don't push him coz he is all too aware that he has to get past this and time will eventually heal him and leave him with all of his fond memories of her.

P.S. I am so sorry for your loss as I know it is hard for you girls too!

R.

Hi C.- I lost my Mom seven months ago too, to cancer as well. I am so sorry for your loss, I know how bad this hurts.
My parents were married for 35 years when my Dad died very suddenly about a decade ago. My mom NEVER completely removed his things from their house until she moved into a cottage we built her about 8 years after his death. His closet still had a few shirts, T-shirts and personal things in it until I finally went through them. She never dated anyone again but did have an active social life and lots of activities groups she belonged to.
I don't think there should be much of a time table for your Dad at all. It just seems to me that 7 months is a very short period of time compared to the 34 years of life he spent with her. It's different for you and your sister. Sure, it's your Mom and it's awful to lose her but you did not build a life with her, she was not your lifelong soulmate. Falling in love, getting married, raising children together, getting through life's trouble, enjoying the gifts and living together for 34 years is something not many of us can relate to just yet. I cannot imagine how lonely it must feel to have lost the person you were bonded to since being a teenager. I say don't worry about what others say (ask his Mom to "zip it", with all due respect) and let him greive in his own way and at his own pace.
He will be able to move on eventually in some ways but maybe not all, it just depends. If after a couple of years he is not getting out at all and is hiding from life entirely then you might worry but right now is his time to reflect, greive and be alone if that's what he wants. Just keep checking in, offering support and love, grandkids are probably a great distraction. Good luck and again sorry about your Mom.