This is gonna sound strange, but it is bothering me and I would like to know what you all think so I hope I can give you all the info to determine an answer for me.
Me and my husband seem perfect for each other in every way. I have had problems in my life with my mother, his sister, and my grown children from a previous marriage that caused me to gain weight (about 30 lbs in 6 yrs since we first met) We do have a little girl who is 3. I had her when I was 45. I am now 48 and he is 45. I am working in a gym and trying to loose my weight since we now moved away from all the stress that I was under in another state. I know my husband loves me more than life itself, but I sware I do not think that he is attracted to me sexually. The thing is I am attracted sexually to him, big time. I have to go to bed everynight and just be satisfied with going to sleep. I have told him how I feel and he says I am wrong and makes excuses like he works and he is tired, but the thing is, when the weekend comes or the night of or before his day off, we still just go to sleep. Women want to be satisfied sexually too, and I am one that needs that extra loving. It makes me feel secure in the relationship... but now something is missing. I feel like I only have half of him.
The conversation that we had is that I told him that I know for a fact that he went on a lovely romantic vacation with another woman about a yr or 2 before we met. Something came up... not sure what. Maybe I felt insecure way back when, and I asked him how long he was vacationing in that lovely romantic place and he told me 5 days. I asked him how many times he slept with her during that trip and the honest guy he is, he told me. He said 3. Well, we are in a lovely, romantic place and living here for 3 months and I am lucky if he sleeps with me 3 times the entire time we are here. That makes me feel that he was more sexually attracted to the other woman than me, even though he says no. I have felt in the past that he might be embarrassed about my weight as all his girlfriends and wives in his past have looked like stick people. He declined his work xmas party without asking me what I wanted to do, after all his work, his choice. He says it wasn't my weight but I felt it was.
Now we are in this wonderfully romantic place and I want to be romantic and when I am forward, he is tired and he never makes the initiative.
Now I am wondering what should I do about this. It is really botherine me. It makes my confidence and self esteem go down, makes me feel really bad about myself that he doesn't want me in that way. When we talked about it, his excuse was that he feels so secure with our relationship that when we are doing other things like he is tired or I am sitting up a little later on the computer, or our little girl is up, he is ok with it, however, what happens on the nights that we both go to bed together when he doesn't have to go work or our little girl is already asleep? Absolutely nothing still happens. I am tired of being the only one that makes the initiative and more times than none, getting told he is tired.
It bothers me really bad and I don't know what to do about it. I have had thoughts of maybe I should have the kind of marriage that I have always been against: having a sex partner on the side but still loving him and having a normal relationship at home with him..... could I really be happy that way? I doubt it because it is him I want.........the thing is that he doesn't want me. And no I have no doubt in my mind that he is not with anyone else... he is a very honest, one woman man.
Or should I get a toy and do myself when I feel I need the sex....hoping that will satisfy me...
or should I just tell him I want a divorce because I love him so much I don't want to damage what we have....that way I can be free to find someone that is sexually attracted to me in the proper, moral way?
I don't know the answer but it is beginning to really get to me. I can't sleep at night wondering why he is not sexually attracted to me and knowing that when he went to a romantic place with another woman who he claims he didn't love (yeah right), and slept with her 3 nights out of the 5 and I am lucky to get 3 night the entire time we are here (for 3 months)........It just eats me up inside. I don't know what to do. I am working on the weight loss but he will sware that has nothing to do with it. I know that he doesn't have a problem either because when I have initiated and we have made love, he has NEVER had a problem with any kind of sexual dysfunction at all. Which really leads me to believe that he is just not sexually attracted to me. I am doing all that I can. The weight is not coming off like I want it to and the other only option that I have other than being patient is making myself throw up when I eat. I am working out at the gym every day. But I also wonder if I were to lose the weight and look like a 30 yr old again, is that really gonna make a difference? Oh one other thing....... don't know if this is relevant or has anything to do with it or not but his last wife was like about 13 yr younger than he was. No way can I compete with that. I shouldn't have to. He claims he loves me and wants no one else and doesn't think about anything but me and our little girl.
So what do you make of all this and what should I do about all this?
Thanks in advance.... this is really bothering me and eating me up. I was not instilled with the best self esteem and confidence when I was little and this is really pushing me back down.
Thanks.Oh by the way......we are in Maui and will be here for 2 more months. I would love for this to be a place to remember because we will probably not ever get the chance to come back here. And it seems that I have never been the type of girl that people want to travel with and take to places like this.....as I am more of the barefoot and pregnant type girl.... so I have always been treated. Don't like to think of myself in those terms but that is how it seems.
What would you do and how would you handle it.
I am at such a loss. I just want to cry or leave, or..... I don't know what to do or what I should do.
THanks.
And someone wrote about teasing a man in public.... I don't tease him in public. We hardly go out in public. I don't understand.
I hate mamapedia... different from mammasource cause I could write the person back. You can't on mampedia.
I hate that. When some write things to me... I feel they aren't getting the whole picture.
You've gotten some good advice, but I'll suggest a book about sex in a marriage. It's called "Sheet Music" by: Dr. Kevin Leman
Also, remember that as girls, we overanalize WAY too much!!!
Perhaps your husband is having some medical difficulties and is too embarassed to tell you. He is at that age when a man's libido and body itself start to slow down in that area. This is a huge issue with men, and your questions and insecurties (possibly irrevelant) may be making it worse. Just a thought.
Hello, it sounds like you are going to have to really be blunt and tell him where you're at on the situation. Have you point blank told him that you can't go on without more intimacy? Tell him that you miss the physicality so much that you've even thought about having an affair. Have you tried counseling? And have you considered that something might be going on physically with his sex drive? I know sex isn't everything in a relationship, but when you are completely deprived it can become the sole focus.
Also, continue to focus on yourself. Good for you for hitting the gym every day!! Get that confidence up; there is actually nothing sexier than a confident woman. Ask any man :)
M.,
I am sorry you are going through this. I can only offer that if your hubby is as true blue honest as you say, then he isn't lying. I also sincerely doubt that 30 pounds would turn a lover off. Stop worrying with his past loves being sticks, younger or possibly more sexually vibrant. No matter how different they were, he choose you! You are what he wants. Now for the decline in sexaul action, maybe he is being truthful about being tired. A toddler can do that to any couple. Keep in mind that sexually relationships morph through many peaks and troughs. If the activity remains low, ask him about depression. It is possible that stress, depression, low energy, etc would cause decreased sexual desire. Please either talk opnly with your hubby or your general practioner. I also suggest counseling.
Best Wishes,
-MB
If you don't own a toy...go buy yourself one! It might take the pressure off for awhile...and maybe he will be interested in watching you w/the toy...if nothing else it will reinforce your feelings that this is something you want more of...meaning maybe he will step up a bit more if he sees you are having to take care of yourself...
I was going to respond anyways, but you can write back to people. It took me a while to figure it out too. Click on their name and next to the profile head it says send a private message. I'm saying this from memory, just keep trying if that's not it. I'm sure you'll figure it out.
Regarding your question, I understand completely. I just ended a committed relationship that I could stand no longer. He just wasn't interested in sex. He would actually get mad at me for initiating sex. He made me feel guilty and told me that he felt all I wanted was sex. He bought me a toy for Christmas. It was sort of his way to keep me off of him.
I understand how it just destoys your self esteem. I felt so defeated by not being wanted. Society makes us think that it is always the man's job to pursue and the woman's place to deny or allow. When a woman constantly hears "no" we cannot help but think there must be something wrong with us.
I agree with the other posters though that you cannot continually ask him about being bothered by your appearance or about his past. It may not be because he does not find you sexually attractive. Just because his body still has the physical ability does not mean that he wants sex.
It must be really difficult for you being in such a romantic setting and never getting the romance to go along with it. Perhaps you can suggest counseling to your husband. Obviously he sees how much this is tearing you up. Unfortunately, he may have just reached a stage in life where he doesn't have physical desires as much anymore. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but understand that it is not your fault.
Hi M. - just because you're in a romantic place, that doesn't mean anything. People live there all year round and have the same problems as everyone else, so stop thinking that has anything to do with having sex. You need to lay off the trip he took with the woman in his past - it has NOTHING to do with your current situation other than what you're turning it into in your mind - vacation sex is NOT RELATED to "real life" sex. You have a real life with him, with all the stress, distractions, routines, etc.
There is nothing wrong with pleasing yourself if your libido is on a different level than his. You don't mention if you've always been more "frisky" or not - if you have, it's not fair to hold that against him. If he's slowed down, again, real life can slow things down - commedians always talk about the "less sex after marriage" cause it's often true. It takes work to stay out of the ruts. If you like to initiate things, and he responds well to that, keep doing it.
Take some time to work on yourself - you mention several things that are worrying - excessive focus on your weight (the throwing up comment is alarming, even if you weren't serious). Finding an outside "sex partner" is called having an affair - don't kid yourself with this one.
Self esteem is a tough thing - I have problems with it myself. We often think that it's us, when it's just life. The only way to conquer it is to be more engaged with life ourselves. Try therapy, hit the self help section of your library, just spend loving time with him, and give yourself a break as well. The more you can reduce your stress, the more that will help you get healthier as well.
Also, check out the "men are from mars, women are from venus" stuff - it talks about how men and women think differently - it might help you feel more at ease also.
Good luck!
My husband and I had this same problem. As it turned out he had prostate cancer. He was about the same age as your husband at the time, which is very young for this disease. I hope this is not the case for you, but, I would suggest that your husband be tested just to make sure there is no medical reason for his lack of libido.
First thing I learned. STOP ASKING HIM QUESTIONS ABOUT HIS PAST! Talk about YOUR future with him instead. (Hard, I know.......I struggled with that.)
I think you should talk to a pastor/christian counselor. It sounds like you have a lot of self-esteem issues and that could definitely be the reason he isn't as excited as he should be. It's not fun to be around a person who is down or negative all the time.......
Get yourself some NICE nighties and YOU can initiate the relations with your husband. Once you get a guy going, they won't stop! At least that's what my husband tells me.
Ya agree do not ask him about his past ......He is with you now. Stop asking him if he is sexually attracted to you....thats annoying to him I bet. How would you feel if you had to constantly tell someone your attracted to them. You need to act confident and not so needy sounding. Do not ask him if he wants to have sex ..... just start t. If I waited for my hubby to have sex I would never get it! Doesnt matter who starts it. Nothing wrong with toys either! He may just join in with you!
If you weight is bothering you then do something healthy about it, throwing up is not an option. Start eating right and workout. I had my last child also at a late age, you maybe starting menopause. See your PC doctor for tests. Get your thyroid checked out also. When our thyroids are off......so are we.
I know when I get my hubby in the mood I start flirting with him and whisper naughty things in his ear....start this process early in the day!!. Can you try to be more playful with him and you will find you both will enjoy each other company.
I wish you so much luck!
I attend First Friday Women, and their previous 2 speakers are women that you should have heard!
Guess what? You CAN hear their presentations. They've started filming the speakers and putting them on the internet. So go to the website below and spend time listening to these women speakers: Feb. 5, The Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn; March 5, Sex, Sexuality, . . . by Debby Wade
www.firstfridaywomen.com click >> videos
The thing that hit me most about Shaunti's research is that men choose feeling RESPECTED over feeling loved. So teasing a man in public is absolutely out of the question. Wow!
Dear M.,
Sex is great, but it is not all that is in a relationship. If your husband had been injured and couldn't perform, would you cheat on him to statisfy your needs? Would you still be having these feelings?
If you love him, why even think of leaving him? he doesn't sound abusive or rude or anything. He just doesn't want sex right now. He is still the one you made your vow to spend the rest of your life with - for better or for worse. This is just one of those WORSE moments we have to tolerate and then it will get BETTER.
My husband and I met in High school. He was 15 and I was 17. Now that we are 34 and 36, our sex life is slowing down. I know it is not the weight I gained after each child because he was still interested after the first two. My youngest is 5 mos old and I"m still 20 pounds over what I normally am. (this happened with the other 2 - it took me over a year to get back down.).
I am often in the mood and after the baby, he is very seldom. unusual for him. I know he would never cheat on me, so it is not getting his fix somehere else. I questioned him. He said he guesses he just had so much of it in the teens and early 20s he is over his "prime."
You just have to keep telling yoruself it is not you, it's him. And if it doesn't happen often, it will be really great when it does.
Say to yourself everyday "I am beautiful" and "it's not me - it's him" everytime you feel unsexy. : )
Good luck!
