What Should I Do with a Lax Discipline Style of Mom Friend

You did exactly what I would have done, scooped up my child and cut the play date short. Its amazing what others' will let their children get away with isn't it? I actually quit my play group for DD altogether because another mom would continually let her child bully everyone elses...it got to the point where the kids could not be left alone to play at all. (once I found her son on jumping on my daughters back as she was struggling to get up, I was horrified!! and thats but one example).

If she's your friend, make an effort for a girls night, otherwise, let the friendship whither. The problems you describe will only get worse as the kids get bigger.

I have a friend that doesn't discipline at all either. Granted there is no pushing involved but it is tough.
When a child is being pushed or upset by another, I step in. Either nicely say something to the other child or the to the mom, if she doesn nothing then I would speak up and say "I am sorry, but I do not want my daughter to pick this stuff up as being okay to do, we need to go now" and that is it. I cannot believe she didn't say anything but you know I never feel badly for standing up for my kids at all!! I even do it with strangers kids at a park, find the mom and explain, well your son pushed my daughter down and I don't appreciate that but he isn't mine to discipline! If she gets angry or upset with you, that is just the risk you need to take.

I have a friend I posted about weeks ago that lets her daughter rule the roost then calls me complaining she is out of control, the girl laughs at her mom and doesn't listen, has HORRIFIC table manners, won't eat barely anything other then her favorites and her mom is the cause, I don't blame the little girl. But because I am not the parent, I just have to start kind of cutting her calls short as I don't want to hear her rant for hours about how out of control her daughter is when she doesn't want to do anything about it! :) Make sense? So I just kind of side step the conversation and we have avoided them coming over because my kids wonder why the mom doesn't do anything. All she wants to do is complain about it and how wiped out she is and all of that and the only way I can save the freindship is not say anything right now!

I say defend your daughter, even if the mom says nothing look at her son and say "that wasn't very nice", it is not your job to enforce punishment but you certainly can speak up, seeing you do this will empower your daughter to stand up for herself! Kids have issues with sharing at that age, but at the same time it is your job to make sure your daughter understands why it is important and make it a positive. Praise her when she does share maybe loudly when you are in the prescence of your friend. I think if you are good friends you can maybe side talk with her about it nicely, otherwise maybe forego playdates until she gets a gripe to control her kids better. Sorry not much help, it is hard to bite your tongue, just have to decide if you think it will help or not to say anything.

Sadly, some parents don't feel they need to discipline their children. It will make life much harder for everyone, including the kids, as they get older. Kids need limits. If I were you, I wouldn't spend time with them anymore. You aren't doing your daughter any favors by letting her be treated like that, and you are right--she might start to pick up the behaviors after a while. Plus, it must be hard for you to enjoy your time with the other mom when you are on edge the whole time, waiting for your child to be mistreated by hers. If she is a person you would like to stay friends with, you will have to spend time with her without your children, or tell her how you feel (which could be difficult, and might end the friendship anyway). Good luck.

I disagree that you cannot intervene. If your child has been hit, or had a toy taken, I would step in immediately. Either tell the other mom to say something - Your son has hit my child and you need to do something, or say to the child - Hitting is not acceptable, as you comfort your child or take the toy away and give it back to your daughter, saying to the boy, You do not take toys from other children. Let him scream and run to his mother. You can say to her, Your son grabbed a toy from my daughter without asking and I took it back. If the other mother objects, then you can address it by saying, I've taught my children that grabbing toys without asking is against the rules. I don't see that as inappropriate at all since your daughter is involved.

Hi K.,
I agree with K N. Bottom line for me is, if I can't deal with it, I wouldn't allow myself and my child into that situation anymore. You can "try to talk with your friend", but it seems clear that she doesn't really have a problem with it, so I doubt that'll work. You can "step in and deal with it yourself", but it's going to end up stirring up resentment in you (for having to do what mom should be doing- she's sitting right here), and maybe even in your friend (why is she disciplining my child?)...

Don't put yourself in the situation anymore. That's what I think.

We've had to distance ourselves from different friends who tolerate A LOT more from their kids than we do. We really like the adults, but they seem to be soft on discipline and it's cut into our relationships with them and their children. It's tough, but you HAVE to protect your own family first. And, BTW, we have 3 boys- 6, 5 and 1.5, and the friends I refer to also have all or mostly boys. Our boys can certainly play rough, but we can curb rude behaviors and too rough of play as well. So, its all in the training that the parents put into it.

If you really want the keep seeing this mom then you have to meet on different grounds. If you're at her house, you gotta play by her rules. So meet at your house or at a public place.
Especially if it's your house you can intervene and say," at my house we do not push, be rude, etc. please wait your turn to play on the toy."
In public the same. But your friend may feel like your stepping on her toes if you step in in her own house.

There's many options how you could deal with this but the overall here is you need to keep your daughter safe. One---you could not have playdates with your friend and her son anymore. Two---you could step in and let the little boy know what's acceptable. "She (your daughter) doesn't like it when you do that. See how sad it makes her." And if the boy's mom doesn't pick up on it than you decide. Most of the parents I know don't want someone else disciplining their children but I do have some that don't care a bit. For the situation you describe above, I may have done something similar.

Plus boys and girls can play very differently together---boys more rough and girls more quiet or reserved. And some parents aren't used to the opposite gender child and what that child's normal is. This last part is only me speaking of my personal observations.

Best wishes.