What Should Be Considered When Thinking About Having a 3Rd Child?

Updated on December 14, 2007
C.F. asks from Plano, TX
26 answers

For some reason the topic has come up like crazy in the last few months. Both our parents are really pushing for another grandchild. My husband and I want to sit down and really talk about this since we already have 2 that are 5 and 7 and we are wondering if having another child would be a smart idea since we haven't even touched the subject for as long as I can remember. What things need to be brought up when we sit down and have this discussion?? Any advice would be appreciated, Thank you,

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M.

answers from Dallas on

C.,

We only have one and are headed for a second, but most of the time, people tend to bring up the "middle child syndrome"...where the middle one gets/feels left out. Another thing to consider is the age gap...will the child feel left out or will the older kiddos feel the younger one gets the most attention, etc. Then there are the normal topics...public school vs private (depending on where you live) and the costs associated with it. Also, the costs of college, and other misc things...is the house conducive to a third, etc. That's all I can think about at the moment. Hope that helps!

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S.

answers from Houston on

Just go at it ! no questions to ask !
I have 2 small children & would like another myself !
Good luck & have fun !!.............

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L.C.

answers from Dallas on

You should only have another child if it something you and your husband want. I do not think parents should have a say in anything about your marriage. But then again my inlaws hate me, so what do I know. Since you haven't touched the subject in as long as you can remember, it is not something y'all really want in my opinion. It is also a big age gap/ My husband brothers are 5 and 7 years older than him and he barely knows them. If you got pregnant now they would be 6 & 8 years older, when the baby is 12, the older sibs will be off at college. Lonely in the teen years (when you would have been now alone with your hubby)

1 mom found this helpful
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J.H.

answers from Dallas on

We have 2 girls and adopted a little boy last year. I was happy with 2 kids but this opportunity fell in our laps. We really felt this is what God was calling us to do. I don't regret our decision, children are always a blessing. However, our youngest girl was 4 at the time and the transition from having kids that were somewhat self-sufficient to a baby that is completely dependent on you was very difficult. My middle child has a hard time with it at first but has adjusted pretty well. Our little boy has brought so much joy to our family but he is a handful

I guess you and your husband have to evaluate whether you want to do the baby stage all over again. I'm not much of a baby person so it's been hard but not without it's rewards. Don't expect your other 2 to be of much help and for awhile, they will need extra attention (my oldest was 7). Just some things to consider.

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A.J.

answers from Dallas on

Well, good question. As a mom to 3 boys ages 4.5, 3 and 15months, one thing I would make sure you have enough money. it is expensive having a family of 5 and if you have kids with any special needs or that need meds it is costly, insurance, school, day care, clothing, college, dental work, cars, vacations, all of that costs more.

but, having said that, I love having a large family it is never a dull moment. But if any one tries to tell you that having 3 is as easy as 2 it is not... especially if you have them close together in age. If it is in your heart to have another then I would do it. But I would also talk to your other 2 kids since they are a little older and see how they feel...

Good luck what ever you decide. AJ

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R.G.

answers from Houston on

Well honestly C., one of the things that is keeping me and my husband from having a 3rd child is money. We really can't afford a 3rd, especially since my 2 are both still in diapers. So certainly funding is something you want to think about. Which is why we have decided that I am going on the pill and if we decide to have another, it won't be for at least 3 years from now. By then my son will be 4 1/2 and my daughter will be 3. You as a mother don't want to spread yourself too thin, taking care of 2 kids and a husband and a household are enough for anyone. So don't forget to think about that as well.

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C.Y.

answers from San Antonio on

I'm 28 yrs old and just had my third child last Monday. I also have a daughter that will be seven next month and a son who is five. We thought long and hard about having another child but it ended up being something we both really wanted. It has been difficult but also very enjoyable. My kids are old enough to help and they love "their" baby already. My advice would be to make sure you both really want this, not just the grandparents. If so then I would say go ahead. I could not imagine my life without any of my children and the third is just as much of a blessing as my other two. I hope this helps you.

P.B.

answers from San Antonio on

Hi C.,

This is an important decision that is best made ONLY by you and your husband. I would advise you consider how anything anyone says here and in your extended family and among your friends "fits" who you are as individuals and as a couple.

That being said, I am happy to tell you a bit about my situation. My husband and I were blessed with 3 sons in 4 years. We love them very much. Because we have a family of five and family is important to us, we spend more time together doing "family things". We are busy but in a happy way. I could not imagine life without our third child. But, as my husband says, when you have the third child, you go from "man to man" to "zone" defense. You and your husband will frequently have two or three kids with you, instead of as much one on one time with each child.

You will not, of course, be as mobile as you are now without an added layer of stress. The baby's needs will come first for a very long time and some folks have gotten past really wanting that by the time their other kids enter the school age years.

This would be a great opportunity for your 5 and 7 year olds to be older siblings to the baby. They will grow in love and maturity from this and will become more giving and compassionate individuals, if you encourage their help.

Of course there is the incredible amount of joy and love another child will bring. Your whole family will become more joyful because of him or her.

My husband and I love our family and life as it is. I would recommend you and your husband have many conversations over all aspects of this decision AND allow some time for personal reflection and, if inclined, prayer. If you decide to have another baby, you will then go forward with a ready and open heart.

Good luck!

J. B.
Parent Coach

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S.S.

answers from Dallas on

Seriously? If you haven't even approached the subject why would you start now? I certainly hope it isn't because your parents want another grandchild.

On the other hand if you REALLY want another child then just sit down and talk about it, do your pros and cons. Good Luck!

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A.J.

answers from Dallas on

Seriously?? I have learned that you do what YOU want and what is right for YOU ! I am having a 3rd and all of my inlaws are livid .... The grandparent's want em or not are not the ones raising the baby so do what is right for your family not what they want ..... sounds to me like you are happy just like you are .
Just like pp said don't worry too much about it have a baby because you want a baby and it will become something you afford
A.

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G.F.

answers from Dallas on

First and foremost: This should be something you and your husband want and NOT something that you get talked into by your respective parents.

You and your husband would be the one caring for a newborn plus two children (who would be 5 and 7 years -or more- older.) Grandparents have the privelege of visiting and doing all the fun stuff with your kids and then are able to go home. Parents on the other hand, shoulder the responsibilty for the round the clock care, sleepless nights, and the financial expense associated with having a child (for a lifetime). If having another child is not something that you and your husband had not even considered or talked about until being pushed into this discussion by "the grandparents", I'd really question whether or not it is something you really want. Don't let someone else pressure you if it is not something you want deeply in your heart. You and your husband should also consider the impact your decision would have on the two children you already have. Consider how will they feel about a new baby in the house, sharing mom and dads attention, sharing space in the house, maybe even sharing rooms, and other general ways they may be impacted by your deicison. I'd also take into consideration how you feel about being pregnant again and how having a new baby could potentially impact your family dynamics and your relationship with your husband. (Having time for each other etc).

Best wishes to you...

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S.A.

answers from Dallas on

My DH and I were in something like a similar situation... before our 3rd child. The grandparents were not providing the pressure, however! My daughter was just desperate for a baby sister (she had a baby brother already), and when I found out from her Sunday School teacher that she had been asking for several months during prayer time for a baby sister, I about fell out of my chair! We were living with my in-laws b/c my DH couldn't find a job after he was fired (during the dot com crash). The very idea of a third child right then was just foolish. However, we decided to stop trying to not have a baby (i.e. stop using any form of bc) b/c although we were still in financial straits, it was now possible that DH could get a job when the time came (he had achieved is BA, and was working on his MA), and we could move out. #3 came along, DH got a job, and we moved out! (YEA!!!) I have to say, though that: the third child is the one that really turns things upside down. My older two were 5 and 3 when the 3rd was born, and the oldest was homeschooled, and everything had to stop for a while during the newborn period -- 'til around 3 months. I didn't have house cleaning routines in place, and that was a huge part of it. That's just my story :). My mom, friend, MIL, and aunt (4,5,6,12 kids respectively), all told me that the 3rd child is the most difficult adjustment, after that, it just kind of flows. My youngest is 2, and we're trying for the 4th!

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J.C.

answers from Dallas on

Another child is a huge decision! What an awesome privilege we have in being moms! Be sure you and your husband decide based on what is best for the 2 of you and your other 2 children, not your parents. Parents can get a little pushy wanting those grandbabies! Dont misunderstand, I have 2 and want atleast 2 more! Make sure its right for YOUR family!! I hope this helps!

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K.G.

answers from San Antonio on

Well do you have the perfect family of having a boy and a girl already? If so, I personally would have been happy with two kids. Don't do it for your family if that is what you are considering!! One important thing to talk about before having a baby "financially" is it really the right time? Do we really want to start all over and go threw the baby stage and daycares again?

But if you are like me you have two boys or two girls and want to try again for a girl or a boy go for it!

I ended up with three boys! 2 kids was easy but once I got number 3 everything gets harder. But now that the baby is getting older things are getting easier.

Good luck!

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J.B.

answers from Tyler on

C.,
My 3 girls are grown, so I am speaking from the perspective of looking back. We adopted our first, so both bio-daughters were a surprise. The first 2 were less than a year apart, and the 3rd came almost 2 years after #2. Yours are older, so you might enjoy the 3rd now. They will learn great lessons in caring for a younger sibling. Life isn't perfect, but we learn the most when it is less rather than more perfect. You and hubby have to want this, but I'll assure you that in a family, things usually work out. I wouldn't take a million for my 3rd one. She's probably going to be the one who cares for me in my old age! Vaya con Dios.

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A.L.

answers from Houston on

I also had this discussion with my husband and we decided that it was not logical, financially, to have a third child...however, we both just had this strong feeling that our family was not complete yet and one more little soul was waiting to join us. Well, I decided to go with my instinct(I am usually the one who worries about money and is logical) and now my daughter is 3 months old and we are SO happy with her. We have two sons, 7 years old and 2 years old. From experience I will say that it is much more physically demanding to have two close together. You have already experienced that and now that your other two are older, then they will be able to interact with a new baby and follow your voiced directions, unlike a toddler who has to be chased down sometimes while you hold a screaming baby!
Just remember there will be an adjusting period for you all because a new baby interupts routines no matter how sweet they are! As for the money...well things always work out if you really want them to. If you already stay home it will be much easier and just buy the necessities and second hand stuff...babies only need the basics and lots of love. Good luck to you and enjoy your family.

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A.C.

answers from Dallas on

I agree with several posters. This decision should be yours and your husband's, NOT your parents. Decide what is best for your family. If you decide it is not what you want, then stand firm. Parents can be overly pushy sometimes, but this decision will not impact them in quite the same way.

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J.K.

answers from San Antonio on

There are varied opinions as to what goes into "planning" for a family. Your question intrigued me because of the testimony God has given me through my children. I never thought I'd have more than 4 kids. Thought that was all I "could handle". But when I got to the four child, my doctor was ready and willing to make it my last after my C-section, but I couldn't do it. I kept hearing God say "do you trust me?" With all the women in this country, suffering from infertility, why would I not want to be blessed by another child. It is such a miracle to get pregnant in the first place, why would we not want to participate in that miracle. As far as the financial questions go, who knows what their financial state will be 18 years from now when their child heads off to college?

For me, I told God I'd take all the kids he'd give me. I have seven children - all different kinds of kids. My husband and I have an abundant life with and through them. After my seventh, I had to have a hysterectomy, and I did with no regrets!

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E.P.

answers from Dallas on

C.,

I think if you and your husband really discuss it you will know if it is "truly" what you both want. After our second child I was devasted at the thought of not having a third. The main reason we were speaking of not having a third was money. Our children go to private school and getting the religious education is very important to us. However, we decided that we wanted a larger family and if God brought us to that, he would get us through it. I won't lie, financially it is tough. My husband works a side job and I too have some small part time jobs, but it is worth it. I can look at my third baby and honestly say, it is all worth it. We can not imagine our life without her. We now feel our family is complete but our kids still ask when we are going to have more kids! Good luck with your decision!

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E.D.

answers from Dallas on

I sort of think if it needs to be "discussed" you all may both be leaning towards not having one. I could be wrong and don't mean to offend.
I would love to have more, but can't. We may adopt... hopefully! Anyway, I'd say if it is in your hearts to have another one, then do. If it will take away from your current lifestyle in ways YOU think are negative, then don't.
It's a hard one.
Good luck

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L.A.

answers from Dallas on

I am a mother of 3. They are now 12,15, and 19. I think whether you should have three depends more on the second child than anything. If I knew then what I know now, I would have done things differently. I probably would have still had the third, but I would have done things differently with the second. My second who is the middle child was a passive and shy child when she was very little. If I had known how it would have affected her I would have tried to work with her more in the early years. Of course I was busy with three little kids. I compare my three to a nest of baby birds. The oldest and the youngest are like baby birds who hold there beaks open and let you know they are hungry. The middle one just kind of does. Needless to say the ones that sqawk the most get fed first and most often. The quiet one gets fed, but not as much because the other two were demanding. Some kids aren't verbal about what they need so some needs can go unmet. You tend to think if they aren't complaining or causing trouble then they must be okay. Then when they are old enough to be more verbal you realize that they aren't exactly. My middle one is a good kid and she is better now that she is older, but maybe if I would have paid more attention she would feel more self assured.

C.R.

answers from Dallas on

I think that sanity should be highly considered! :)
Sorry just trying to be funny.
I have two and I'm pretty sure I'm done. If I spread myself out to thin I won't be good for anyone. I'm 43 and have a one year old and 3 year old! Some days I can feel every day of that 43 years behind me!
Really, I'm sure that it should be a decision that is made by you and your husband alone. If parents want some more grandchildren maybe they should consider foster care? :)
C.

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L.J.

answers from Dallas on

My MIL has always encouraged me to have more than two children. She had two- my husband and a daughter(7 years older than my hubby). Her daughter died suddenly about 13 years ago. Now all she has is my husband (and me too but only one biological child). Having a big family is a blessing and there is all the more love. of course there is more work to, but I have 4 brothers and sisters and I love it. I have one child right now but would love to have 4 when it's all said and done. If you're worried about the money..don't be because you will never look back and regret that third blessing! Good luck with whatever you decide

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B.L.

answers from Houston on

You know what, I think if it is truly in you and your husband's heart to have another child- nothing will stop you. If you love Jesus with all your heart and pray for him to help you- then all of your needs will be met. Don't worry about the politics of having another baby- focus on the positives which in an extraordinary way- outweigh the negatives.

~B.

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S.C.

answers from Houston on

$ 400,000. I heard that number the other day, and about fell on the floor! That's the cost of raising a child. I have two special needs children, so by the time they're raised, I've not only invested LOTS of time, love and care, but a million dollars! Now, I do have to say it IS worth it.

My sister and I growing up were pretty close until the last sister came along. They were closer in age, so they paired off, leaving me alone. Same thing could happen to this up and coming little one b/c the 1st two are close in age.

If you do have the 3rd, I would try for a 4th right behind that one. Almost like two sets of kids.

Also, I love the posters who said if the in-laws are wanting another, let them do something towards filling their own need, not presuring you and hubby to do fill that desire.

Good luck!
S.

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L.S.

answers from Odessa on

My husband and I are currently expecting our third, his fourth. We have always said that we would just accept and love whatever God gave us, knowing that no birth control method is foolproof. We have used birth control in the past, but it still took us over 5 years without it, to be blessed with this little angel. The only thing that we ever really discussed while we were waiting and hoping, were finances, which are an issue with or without babies, improvements to the house, job situations, etc. During that time, I ended up becoming a totally stay at home mom, so that eased my mind of a lot of the problems that a pregnancy would bring. Also, you will have to consider how young your other children are. Ours/his daughters are 12, 8, and 17, so there is only going to be one baby, and the other girls are old enough and happy to help out. You, on the other hand, might want to consider waiting, unless the doting grandparents are really kind and helpful (which it sounds like they would be). I have one friend who has three children, all very young, but her parents live with her, and are a tremendous amount of help to her and her husband. Never the less, it has always been my belief that babies will come when they come, so there's not a whole lot of discussion required, except for how much you will love and adore the next little soul that joins your family.

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