What Is Your Secret?

My secret is marrying a man who thinks a marriage is each partner making the other a priority. I don't have to do anything to remind him. I am aware of how lucky I am.

I wish I knew that secret too! My best friend has been able to get her husband - who adamently swore for YEARS he would never have kids - to allow her to take multiple 'girls only' long weekends while he stays home and watches the kiddos!

it blows my mind. She always says the secret is blowjobs - haha - but I already provide that and still don't get the things she does so there must be something else to it!

Overall though - my husband is pretty good guy. I don't get back rubs either but he gives love and hugs and lets me do my own thing when I want - so I can't complain too much. :-)

If you get the answer please share - and oh yeah - demanding DOES NOT work in my house either. No one can tell either of us what to do!

hehe

Lol...just this morning I was wondering how I was going to take my oldest to the dr and pick up my youngest from school. I called mil and asked her she is always more then happy to help if she's not working. I just ask :)

My husband just does. I don't know why, honestly. Sometimes I think to myself that I don't deserve his kindness. He puts clean towels in the bathroom every morning when I get in the shower. He leaves ice water and my medicine by the bed before I go to bed. He cooks me dinner and brings it to me when I get home from work. He does nice little things for me here and there, all day long. Honestly I think some people are givers and some people aren't. Sounds like you're a giver! Put your foot down and demand to be given to! Would that work? I don't know... but try it!

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I don't have any answers for you...my hubby is a lot like Nikki's. His days off he has dinner on the table when I get home. The kitchen garbage is always empty. He dotes on our children ~ bathes them, plays with them, changes them, feeds them, helps with homework, reads to them, tucks them in and says prayers the nights he is home (if at work he calls!) and he is also teaching them to treat their Mama like a Queen :) they are always bringing me flowers!
When I need a good foot rub I just lay on the couch and put my feet in his lap and he rubs them.
I think its just who he is and I got very lucky!!!!
***S. ~ I'd let you borrow him!! :) but.....you'd have to p/u his dirty socks b/c he leaves them wherever he is when he takes them off. He procrastinates on a lot of things (like hanging pics on the wall or cleaning out the chicken coupe). If he sleeps on his back he will snore like a banchee. He takes extra long, hot showers so you better hurry and get in first. My point is ~ he isn't perfect. None of them (or us! are) but he is perfect enough for me. Focus on the things he does do for you and your family ~ I find it means more to me when he dotes on my kiddos than when he does stuff for me.

I agree with Rachel K. I just ask when I need the help and they are normally more than willing. I go over and beyond for my family and they do the same for me.

Nikki, does your husband give lessons. I feel that I got a good one, but men can always improve right?

Sometimes you just have to ask and if they refuse, ask why. You may also just need to stand up for yourself to everyone a little more. Dont be afraid to tell someone what you want or need.

that's not nice of your hubby! i'm sure he could be a wonderful man, but it simply is not right for him to treat you that way.

I don't get all the help like you're describing. I feel pretty much on my own, but my hubby helps when he can because it's part of his personality. I don't get back/foot rubs hardly ever, but if I ask, he will. He has learned to help more over time without asking, but for the longest time, I had to ask for lots of things. He does great now (not with any foot rubbing, though...I still have to ask...hehe...maybe once every other year I will).

If I need help from other people, I have to ask. I ask rarely (maybe once a year). I don't get free child care or anything like that! I think some women here might, but I imagine a lot of them don't really.

Well sometimes you just have to "take" what you need. Obviously that won't work for foot/back rubs but it can work in other ways.
My husband is not naturally giving. He has MANY wonderful qualities but anticipating my needs and taking obvious hints is not one of them.
Over the years I've learned to be less of an asker and more of a doer. For example, "honey I am taking an exercise class on Tuesday night so you will need to make dinner" or "I need you to pick up kid x from practice on Wednesday night because I will be at my book club." Do NOT let him say you can't do what you want/need to do, just do it.
Men usually appreciate their women more when their women are less available and they (the men) are required to take care of things like cooking and kids.

Sorry, but 8kidsdad is way off the mark here. You don't need a book on how to understand your husband, it's your husband that needs the instruction manual!

S., you sound like a marvelous woman and I know you love your husband and his many great qualities. You do need to keep reminding your husband that you are missing being cared for. I hope he sees how wonderful you have made his life and really works to show that he appreciates you! Even if he has a certain personality, marriage is not all about one persons comfort and convenience. He can make the choice to change and be more selfless. I really hope he does!

I don't think it has much to do with how WE are...its is the person doing the spoiling. It is either in a person's nature to be like this or not. If I were you I would just try to keep in mind that you married your DH knowing he wasn't going to be a spoiler. You can try to talk to him about what more you need but if it is not in his nature then don't expect it.
My DH is one of the kindest and most thoughtful people that I know and I feel genuinely blessed for him and do not take him for granted-esp after reading about some of the husbands on this board. But it is his nature-he is like this with everyone. Just a genuinely good and helpful kind of person who thinks of others way before he thinks of himself. When I met him I knew he was a keeper-I had dated way enough non-spoilers to know the difference.

It is just built into my DH's personality and it is his "love language"...acts of service. He loves to do things for people to show them his love.

You might check out the book the five love languages...sounds like your love language is acts of service because the way you like to receive love is usually the way you show it to others. Your husbands is probably something else so he doesn't understand how if he would do a few simple things for you that it would really fill your love tank right up to the top.

Once my husband and I understood that he could do dishes for me all day and it was nice but didn't really push my love buttons...and I could tell him what a wonderful man he is and a great provider but that really didn't do it for him. I started doing little extra things for him around the house and he started giving me verbal praise for doing those things. Wow!!

Ii decide not to do something anymore and he has no choice or it wont get done. It's usually when he has pissed me off, I decide rather than to contiue letting this piss me off, it can be your deal. Then I just stop doing it. For instance, when we would get ready to go somewhere, he primps in the mirror and only gets himself ready. When he's done, he sits down and starts watching sportscenter while I get myself and the kids ready, the car packed, the living room picked up, the dishes in the dish washer, everything. This cycle would end inme huffing mad inthe car and not enjoying our outing. So, one day I had had enough, I said mommys getting ready right now, go tell your dad you need help getting dressed. That was the last time I ever got the kids ready when we go somewhere! Sometimes we split - he'll get the boy ready, I'll get the girl ready, or I'll pick out thier clothes while he gives them a bath, but mommy is done putting her makeup on in the car so daddy can watch sports center!

I am on my 2nd marriage, my first husband was EXACTLY like yours. I also worked outside the home FT, came home cooked, did laundry, dishes and cleaned the entire house. I also took our son to all his sports activites. I never got anything in return, not even a back/foot rub. I was always tired and sometimes a little irritable from having to do it all. We tried counseling but he proved himself a complete jerk in front of our counselor. She asked me the next time I saw her Why do I stay married to him.
With my now husband, I wasn't looking to ever get married again, so when he started doing all the stuff for me you mentioned (and more :) I figured it would stop after a year or so of marriage, but it hasn't.
I think some guys are just natural givers and just want to do anything to please their spouse. Maybe it's their upbringing or maybe they're just plain lazy and want to be the takers rather than the giver.
Not saying my husband is perfect by any means, lol, when it comes to common sense, he seems to be lacking in that area. I could tell you many many stories that have drove me absolutely crazy over the last 10 years.

Well, sometimes come out and plainly ask. I am SAHM and sometimes I get over whelmed trying to care for a 5, 4, and 10 mo w/ another on the way. I just make up a list for hubby to help me out and he usually does the stuff I ask. Maybe not when I want them done, but it gets done. I, too, though do everything. He comes home and sits, but I can't complain too much cause he will play w/ the kids so I can clean the kitchen. He gets mad sometimes, when he has to pick up the living room after the kids are in bed, but if he knew how often I did it during the day, his one time ain't nothing. And often he takes them to the park or walks on the weekends so I can get a lil quiet time.

S., I think that depends on many factors among others, character, mood, and even how people is raised. My parents raised me with lots of love demonstrations, firm discipline but very caring and loving. I got lots of kisses, hugs and verbal and physical expressions of love and caring. On the other side, my husband was raised in a very different way (I knew that before marrying him). My husband learned with me and my family to be, lets say, more kind and tender, to give hugs and kisses etc. For him was hard to say "I love you" or " I am sorry" to help me in the house or just say thank you. Little by little, I talked to him in a very nice way and I explained him how great I felt when he did something sweet for me, a kind gesture or just helping me at bedtime with the kids. Little by little just talking to him (not whining or complaining) I taught him what I needed from him and he taught me what he needed as well. We COMMUNICATED, we TALKED a lot and we STILL do it. Now, every time I need something from him I just let him know and he happily does it. Now that we are older, he is very sweet and gives me nice surprises, simple details that I just adore....
It was hard for me in the beginning not getting those rubs on my back, get a sweet kiss, a massage on my feet, or just a "thank you" for whatever reason....a kind gesture...Some people needs to be told several times what you need and like from them, and some others not. Keep telling him very nicely what you need and what will help yourself to feel better and happier. It is OK to feel that way you feel, and it is OK that your husband is different. Also pay attention on those things you like from him and let him know that you feel so glad when he does those things.Do not stop doing the great things you do for him and your family. Do not act defiant.
I believe in "little by little" on everything.......little H., little there, little everyday and everywhere..that's my motto....
Have a wonderful evening...

Train 'em young! LOL

My husband is a nurturer by nature; he's always taken care of me (since we were 16) and I take care of him. Often, I don't even have to ask...he just *knows* when I need a back or foot rub.

Other people? I ask.

My secret is that I met a guy that did that stuff while we were dating, so I married him. Our love languages compliment each other, so I get lots of back rubs. And he gets lots of head. LOL!!!

I'm sorry that you have to beg for a back rub! I really don't think it's you. Your husband needs to take care of you, just like you take care of him (by cooking, and taking care of all the house and kids and stuff). I stay home, but work very part time as a photographer (I have a shoot maybe 1-2 times a week when my husband is home). We do things for each other because we love each other. We want to make the other person feel good and loved. the other day we were watching a movie on the couch together, and he just says to me "how about I give you a back rub while we watch the movei?" I don't really ask for things. He wants to help me out, so he just does it. Just the same as I do for him. We work together to keep each other happy and keep the kids happy. We just moved to VA from CA in January of this year, and I am really missing the beach. We don't have any extra money to get a hotel or anything on the beach here, but he was talking to his uncle who is in the reserves and next month they planned for him to get us a beach house on the base in VA beach. It's not some super fancy hotel on the boardwalk, but it's a free place that we can go to and it's on the beach. We figure we will drive down to the boardwalk area for dinner or something fun with the kids. I didn't ask him to do this. I just figured "oh well, maybe next year we can go to the beach". But, he planned this all by himself (with his uncle), just so I can go and feel the sand again between my toes.
Maybe you could sit down with your husband and talk to him about how you need him. Maybe if you give him a back rub, the next day he will do it for you? Take turns?

Tough question, but you said if you were in pain, you DH wouln't rub your back. I can't tell if he would or he wouldn't. But talk to him about what ever you want him to do for you.

Some people are givers because that's the way they are made or because that's the way they are taught. My parents and grand parents taught me the you do for those you love. So I do for those I love. Some time they appreciate it and sometimes they don't.

I have given my wife flowers and romantic poems since we were married. Its the way I learned part from my family and part from reading on my own. Its what has been told to me from the pulpit and the novel. BUT she only started appreciating what I did when I retired and took roses and love poems down to her office. I grow blackberries and I'd take home made blackberry tarts down to her and the other ladies in her office. I found out the other ladies read my poems and would take some of my roses for themselves (with my wife's permission). They kept telling her how lucky she was that I did that and if she would let me teach their husbands how to do that kind of thing. Then she began to appreciate me and say so. Just some ideas for you.

One of the things I started doing a decade or so ago was after I did something nice for my wife or one of my kids, I'd ask them, "Do you know why I (plug in what you did) rubbed your back?" When they said, "No." I tell it was because "I love you" and its part of my "Do unto other's program", and not the New York version. After a while, it sank in and I began to see some positive response. Part of it too was that I developed the "Attitude of Gratitude." I made it a point to thank them for what they did for me, no matter how small the deed. (The smallest good deed is worth more than the grandest good intention.)

Get the movie, "Fireproof" and its companion manual "The Love Dare." Follow the principales it teaches you. Get the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and you'll learn a lot about your husband. Even if you are put off by the title as most women are, you'll learn a lot about your husband by reading the book.

BTW, you asked for help. So my suggestions were for you. If your husband asked for help, my suggestions would have been for him.

Good luck to you and yours.

Back rubs, I don't get. My husband rubs my feet for 2 minutes and complains how tired his hands are BUT he will tell stories all day ling of how great and string he is :). The key is knowing what he is willing to give. I don;t get foot rubs, but he is more than happy to snuggle and hug. Anytime I want, I can go out while he's home with the kids. I don't even need to ask unless of course I know he already has plans. I know he hates to do laundry, so instead I will ask him to tidy up while I do laundry. Then when it comes time to cleaning, the clutter is already put away and I can get right to cleaning. The grass is always greener on the other side, but if we did, I am sure there are plenty of things you have that I would want too!

I just ask! I also do and do and do for others, so when I ask for the favor to be returned they are usually willing. I try to be sweet and matter of fact. I have family members that play the victim and that seems to be pretty annoying to the person helping.

Personally... I'd stop doing all those things for him until he started reciprocating things for you.

You are not the one doing anything wrong. I don't think your husband understands what you do for him - financially, child wise, domestically, and for him - you are extremely undervalued and under appreciated. He needs someone to beat some sense into his extremely thick and immature selfish head.

I think you might find this book helpful:

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Marriage-Henry-Cloud/dp/...

My husband isn't very empathetic! Sometimes he is super nice and helps clean up the house or let's me sleep in but its not near enough! He works early hours and 13 hrs a day and feels he's done when he gets home. A little irritating! I wish he had a remote so I could tune in the only channels I want!! Ha ha

I wish I knew I have to remind him several times to put the garbage out. And do chores. Finally after 5 yrs he puts his own dish in the dishwasher. I will say though after he begged for a chocolate cake for 2 weeks I made him one for when he got home from work. He was so excited and while I put the baby down he cleaned the kitchen all by himself. He didn't wipe the countertops but hey progress. I praised him!

You need to ask!! If you just wait until someone volunteers to do something for you, you may be waiting a LONG time!
"Mom....Husabnd and I would like to go out to eat, can you watch the kids for us on Wed. evening for a couple of hours?"
"Husband, my back is KILLING me...would you rub it for me?"
"Kids, your stuff is all over the living room, pick it up please?"
"Husband, I would REALLY like some time to myself. I am exhausted. I was thinking of asking friend__________ to go out to dinner with me and have some girl time. Doesn't that sound like fun?? Is there a day that works for you that I can leave the kids with you?"
If you don't ask, it's not gonna happen.
L.