Hello,
I've been dating a wonderful man and wonder when it's time to let him give advice or help discipline my children. He is the first man the children have met since my divorce from their father, 7 years ago. I've always told the kids, they wouldn't be introduced to anyone unless I was sure he was good to me, safe, loving and felt he'd be the same with the children. They've met him and we've spent several weekends together with the children. While we are not engaged..it is our goal. My children do NOT see their father, nor have any male role model in their lives. I'm just wondering at what point do I allow Randy (new man) to interact in any type of a disciplinary way? He'd never discipline without my approval and would be carrying out the techniques that I currently use, UNLESS we mutually decide to try a new approach. My mother has mentioned to me that experts advice waiting a few years into a marriage before letting the new person assume such a role. For me, I think it's crazy! But also want this relationship to last and want to do what's best for the kids sake. Does anyone have any stories or input to share?
Oh..the kids seem to like Randy and have told me they are happy he's in our lives. (True..he hasn't disciplined them yet though! LOL)
Thanks.
M. M.
I think is you have been with him for awhile and you plan on getting married he SHOULD be disciplining them!!! Coming from a person with 2 step parents (mom and Dad) If he does not do it now they will NEVER learn to listen to him and he will have problems with them in the future!!! If you plan on being together for ever start NOW!!
I think that it not so good to let one's boyfriend start discipling the children until marriage, and then slowly start leting him. Just think if it does not work out and you meet someone else and so on. Take it slow,and see where the relationship is going.
If you are asking if it is ok for Randy to ground your children, take away privileges, or put them in a time out--the answer is never. Unless he adopts your kids, he has no parental authority. If the child does something mean to him, like call him a bad name, than it is your responsibility to punish your child for that behavior.
My ex-husband and I have a daughter and we are both remarried. Neither one of our spouses disciplines our daughter. When my ex and I went through our custody matter, our family therapist advised us that our spouses were to not inflict any type of discipline on our child--discipline is to be handled solely by the parents, not significant others. If problems arise between the child and the significant other, either should let the parent know.
MC
It's ok to a point when your married, but not before. I am a step-mother to two children. When I only saw them every other weekend, it was to spend time together and have fun, period. But when they moved in with us things change. You are a step-parent, you need to make your feelings known and make sure the kids follow the rules while in your home, no matter if it is for the weekend or full time. The best thing that every happaned to my marriage was my DH's kids moving in with us, not just for us but for them. I taught them things that their mother couldn't bother with and brought them up as well adjusted young adults. Everyone's situation is different though. Sometimes a step-parent does not give the rest of us step-parents a good name!! But then again, step-kids can be the same way.
You have to do what is right for you family. I have read people saying or quoting what Dr. Phil says, well Dr. Phil isn't always right. You can't let your SO (when your married) sit on the back burner and let your kids run your lives. He in my opinion needs to take an active role, especially since the kids real father is MIA.
Ok I'm sorry I've wrote a book here, but honestly I have very strong opoinions on this question since I've been there done that. Unless your in the situation you don't know. You can have an opinion on it, for sure, but it doesn't mean it's right.
I wish you and your SO and the kids all the luck in the world. But just remember, if he's going to be you DH one day, don't make him resent you because of the kids and vice versa.
J. in Macomb, MI
in short, never.
L.
Lisaten to your mother....she is right on! If he has such excellent ideas he can share them with you to implement and you must be the person who dishes it out.
good luck
NEVER he is not their father!!! I am a child of divorce and believe me your children will resent him anytime he trys to dicipline them and it will turn into a constant battle. They may like him, but they WILL resent him if you allow him to discipline them. Dr Phil had an episode about this recently, he also said the same thing. If you want your children to have a positive relationship with your SO, then do not allow him to discipline them.
Are you all kidding me? I disagree with the notion that you S.O. should never discipline your children. I think you are right on about him disciplining them using the techniques you use. I do agree that you need to wait a little while. Atleast until your married, have plans to marry, or move in together. I would suggest that if they are disrespectful or rude to him that you discipline them until your ready to have him discipline.. If he is going to be apart of their lives as a father figure then he should have the right to discipline them as a father. When you do decide to have him start disciplining them. I would suggest having him back up your disciplines first. Always agree on the discipline method beforehand, if your children see you disagree then they will never respect him. I do have experiance with this if you would like to talk more please message me.
