ok what do you do when a family member (In-Laws towards my hubby and myself)just refuses to respect you as an adult/parent or even as a person?
We have had yearly "Meetings" DID NOT WORK
Ok examples of such lack of respect.
1. I ask for a call 1st before a visit, and would prefer 1 day notice. MIL goes to the rest of the fam. and tells them "they have to make an appointment to see their grand kids". I do not see it as an appointment just respecting me so I can prepare for a visitor and check to make sure the kids will be home for visit.
2. When my husband and I set limits for our children what ever they may be we expect they are met. Example My son is allergic to egg, so no food with ingredients while my son is in your home (serve after we leave) They did not like us saying this so ok fine my kids are not allowed in your home, come to mine. OMG I am a horrible person "I will not let her be a grandma and I am keeping her grandkids from her" again she just needs to call.
ok fyi when the kids used to go to her house I always would make sure she saw the kids at least once per month for 4 hours and holidays or special occations did not count so when you add the fact that ever b-day, anniversery, holiday we got together that added to it, but we always had to call her and ask what you doin on *** day want to come and see the kids? she would always have us come over there and we did . well after 8 years of hearing I do nothing nice for them I stopped reminding my hubby of how long it has been and what day it is, so forth. (I did other Nice things too,
Well now she says she does not call because she is "afraid to", so I stopped answering the phone when she calls, so it will go to machine and when (if) she leaves a message I give it to my hubby or leave it so he can hear it. (babyish I know but how else do I make her happy) And now she makes comments like why should I call I always get the machine, K. will not answer the phone, but everytime she has left a message my hubby has returned her call ASAP (same day always)
She makes comment about how my husband and I are always yelling at her, ok 1 my hubby (her son) has always been a loud man, not yelling just a loud man in general. You would think his Mom would know this, and I do not say a word, I let him handle it, untill they are bashing me so badly I cannot stand it, and have to speak up.
She popped in one day with 5 min warning call, and was told when I put dinner on the table it was time to go so we can get the kids ready for school the next day and bed, she agreed. Then when it was time and she got ready to go my oldest asked G-Ma why are you leaving she answered"because your Daddy does not want me here"
Please understand these are only a few examples and the long history is not listed here, so what am I doing wrong? SHe always makes me question how I am as a human being, and how I am as a mother. I think of myself and a good mother I have been told by photographers that "you are an insperation", I have been told from teachers that my kids are obviously from a well adjusted home. I have many friends that tell me if it was not for our friendship they do not know where they would be. I am at a loss I know I have asked in the past about them, I am getting sick over this. My stomach is in knots, I cannot eat.
First, you are not doing anything wrong. You sound like we share the same family!!! I just have to say that she is trying to manipulate you. If she doesn't like the boundaries you set with your family, too bad! She doesn't have to visit if she is going to be childish like that. My best advice is to stick to your guns and do not allow her to just pop in or call 5 min before. It is disrespectful to just drop by and 1 day's notice is not unreasonable- its courteous. Whatever she says to you, take it with a grain of salt. You are doing a good job.
M
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K.P.
answers from
Seattle
on
Your mother in law is insane. Anyone can see this. You are obviously a good mom and daugter in law, and she is just being childish and is mad because she cannot have the control she seeks, and needs over you and your family. She is jealous because you and your husband set the rules and she has no say in it.
I say if thats the way she wants to be then so be it. Let it go as much as you can, for you have tried to reason with her, and be nice, and play her little game and its not working. So continue being the great mom and wife that you already know you are and live your life. Your husband knows you are doing great, and he has to see that his mom is crazy, or else we'd all probably read that he is siding with her or something.. You sound like you have done all you can, so take what you can from it, and move on.
Just keep reminding yourself that you are doing a great job, your family loves you, and theres nothing more you can do with your mother in law situation. It is, what it is.
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S.G.
answers from
Oklahoma City
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sounds a lot of how my mil has been behind my back, i answer the phone ONLY when my hubby is not there, and still hesitate to answer. we carry cell's so she usually calls his only, has mine, but our "communication" is VERY limited..kinda like it that way, i don't talk with many on his side unless in person, every once in a while "hi how are you's" and that's about it because of the same experience you are having and THANK GOD when they come visit, it's all we can do to keep them around for company lol, they will come do what they came to do, and leave....fine by me (fil i love, could have him hang round a little longer, but mil, can keep her visit as short as possible
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B.C.
answers from
Norfolk
on
If there's no pleasing her, then don't try.
If your going to be accused of keeping her from her grandchildren no matter what you do, tell her "Great idea! I'll try it for awhile!" and then be too busy to see her for several months. She's asking for it. Of course she'll complain, but she does that anyway and you'll be out of earshot.
Allowing your kids to view her performances only teaches them how to become performers themselves.
She aught to be walking around with a Mr Yuck sticker on her forehead. You don't buddy up to toxic, you keep your distance.
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S.X.
answers from
Chicago
on
read "walking on egg shells
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M.D.
answers from
San Francisco
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I don't think you are doing anything wrong, but you obviously have different styles and personalities. Some people like spontaneity more. It's hard when one person thinks it's nice to drop by and another thinks that is not nice. I really don't think she is deliberately disrespecting you by wanting to come over once in a while without a schedule.
I get it, with lots of kids and schedules, it's easier to know in advance. And she is pretty passive-aggresive and I don't think handled the differences well, either. If you want a relationship, then you probably approach it with her like "how can we both work together to have a good outcome?" You might have to give a little, too. And with some people, you have to explain things over and over (like the allergy).
She can't make you doubt yourself, though. Both of you need to accept that you are different from each other. She is hurt and feels disresected, too, I think. She has said that she doesn't feel wanted. Again, she is going about it the wrong way, but maybe there is a win-win for the two of you? You have a system that works well for you and your family, so be happy with that, too.
This is hard, no doubt. And it might not be resolved, because you two are so different. I have a similar situation with my SIL, in that we are so different and do things so differently that it is hard to accomodate each other sometimes. Don't let it eat you up, however it works out.
