What Do I Say to a Terminally Ill 40-Ish Friend?

Mail. Send her uplifting cards, or write her letters. It gives hear something to look forward to and something for her family to have after she passes. Sometimes people don't know how to support someone who is terminal, and this is a good way without being intrusive. She can read them when she has the energy.

When she is up for visitors you can visit and offer to help out around the house or take meals in, but keep the mail coming. My best friend died from brain cancer, and she said that receiving mail was the best care she ever received.

Just a thought.

Our neighbor died of ovarian cancer a few years ago and we went to "sit" with her every day during the time her family said she could tolerate a visit. We let her talk. She drifted in and out of reality, and we just had a simple conversation. We relived good times, we talked about the future (even though her future was measured in days, then hours.) We cried afterwards. She is terminally ill, but she isn't dead. Talk to her about life.

Please just don't say or do NOTHING! I have noticed that when people are struggling, it seems a lot of times that's when people retreat instead of stepping up.

Just text and say you are there if she (or anyone in the family) needs anything. Maybe start a food train and if you are close by, bring over a meal once or twice a week. Even if she isn't able to eat or cook, her family would still like a home cooked meal.

Be honest and say, I know you may not feel up to a visit or phone call, but I'm going to just randomly text you when I think of you. I know you can't always respond but you are important to me and I want you to know I have not forgotten about you. Then text her what's going on in your life and things she can comment back on if she wants to.

I would be in contact with the husband too about meals and cleaning and things she normally would be doing. The husband and kids (if any) are going through a lot too. Maybe offer to take the kids somewhere fun to give the husband a break.

I got very sick about 2 years ago and was in bed for a few weeks. It was helpful to get a few meals dropped off and for someone to pick up the kids and take them to the movies or public pool, etc. My husband puts in a lot of hours so those things really helped him. There's only so many nights you can eat fast food and/or canned raviolis before you're really sick of it.

You are a good friend for trying to reach out. Good luck.

So sad.

Say I love you, I miss you, I'm here if you if you want a visit or to talk, thinking of you, sending you strength, peace and love etc.

I have a family member who is terminal in this age group. I try and text her daily (between 11am and 6pm....so I don't wake her up) to just tell her I love her and am praying and thinking of her. In my first few texts I let her know I did not expect a response. So she knows I am just checking in and not wanting to chat.

Some days she will call me if she is up to it or text/chat a few minutes on the phone.

Some days I just fill her in on whats going on around our house...my daughter got glasses and send her pictures.

The one thing I did that the whole family liked was I arranged for food to be delivered to their house. They live out of town. Schawns was a great thing...I ordered a bunch of kid friendly and stomach easy items and had them delivered. Including ice cream I mean it is Schwans and their Ice cream bars are the best!!

I know it is a bit different being a friend and not a close relative....but I am sure the same would apply. I am thinking/praying for you. No need to respond back. Wanted to let you know how much I have valued our friendship over the years. Do you need meals? Can I do anything to help? Etc etc.

The one thing my family member does not want is visitors But don't be afraid to do something...don't just disappear because you are afraid of doing the wrong thing.

How about
"I'm thinking about you"
or
"You are in our thoughts and prayers"

https://www.agingcare.com/Articles/say-to-someone-who-is-...

I have a friend with cancer who is also a former high school classmate. He communicates on FB when he is feeling well enough. He doesn't answer phone calls or texts when he is feeling particularly bad. Sometimes it is days or weeks that he is not communicating. I have another friend who has ALS and the way he communicates with me is to text when he is feeling ok. I try to keep it upbeat but it simply can't be an upbeat conversation. I let him vent and I don't get upset when he texts me at 7 a.m. on a Sunday morning. Just reach out and tell them you are there for them, whenever and however they want you to be.

When my mom was dying in 2013? We made it VERY clear to people who were visiting what her wishes were.

If you want to say your good-byes? You call the husband and say may I stop by with a letter or a card for you to read to her? Please let him know that you can come over to help out. Don't offer help you aren't willing to give. Caregivers need a break too. This is a tough time for them.

Then do just that. You need to write a letter or give a card that says all you need to say. If you have things left unsaid? They will haunt you.

It's a fine line to respect her wishes and be able to show her what she means to you.

It's a tough time for all. May peace with all involved.

Just reach out and say hello. You don't have to bring up her illness - a friendly thinking of you is great.

I became ill a few years back and a few friends felt awkward and didn't know what to say. We were adjusting to it ourselves. I found that I had to expend my energy trying to make them comfortable - which grew a bit tiring. Or answering questions.

Instead of thinking up what to say, just be yourself and keep upbeat. She will appreciate it.

New answer:
I see you've already talked with her husband. When you text just say what is in your heart. If you have shared memories, mention them and relate how glad you are to have shared the experience with her. Write the text in a personal tone. If you've been close and would've hugged her, send hugs in the text. Do mention how sorry you are that she's ill.

Keep it real. "I'm going to miss you so much and I don't know what else to say."

Send her flowers? Send her cards regularly letting her know you miss her and would love to see her when she's up to it. See if you can help her caregivers in some tangible way. Text her that you're thinking of her and why.. i.e. " I just saw ---- and remembered how much you love them."

I don't know. See, my mother in law lay dying in her bedroom and people were coming out of the woodwork. She said it made her feel bad and angry. They didn't have time for her when she was able to go and do stuff but now that she was dying they all wanted to make themselves feel better. So she was angry will all of them.

If she truly doesn't want, or can't accept, visitors then getting a daily text saying something that makes you feel better might not be something that she really even wants.

Talk to the husband. Be blunt. Ask him if your contacts, like this, make her feel better or if they are sort of rubbing it that she's dying. Well, not so blunt as I put it but I wrote it that way to make my point.

If this is for you then don't do it. If it's truly to help her then find out what she really wants or needs. He might be happier with food ready to microwave so they can just heat something up and throw away the dishes.