Dear Smart Mamas,
I'm flying out to visit an aunt who has terminal ovarian cancer. She is getting thinner and thinner and keeps less and less down. Her doctor has ordered hospice care which just started this week.
I know she is very weak and uncomfortable, but she sounds phenomenal on the phone. I'm thinking this will be a very quiet visit. I'll rub her feet, shoulders, back, hands....whatever she wants. I'll sit and just be...HOWEVER, a huge part of me is so desperately sad because I have moved so often in my life and have lost soooo much time over the last 20 years. I was very close to her growing up into my mid-30's....but I returned home less and less, and wrote less frequently...and now it is too late to catch up. And I don't want that desperation to come across in our visit...
So, any tips on visiting a sick relative, whom you're sad to say good bye to?
Just be with her and comfort her. Talk to her, hold her hand - whatever she needs. I think it's great to go there to see her. It will mean a lot to both of you.
What comes to my mind is reminiscing about those great times with her, and letting her know how much she meant to you during those times and that you still have the love for her.
When my Stepfather was dying, a very good friend gave me some advice that was so wise. So often when someone is terminally ill, we try to stay light, talk about happy things, etc. But she knows she is dying. My friend encouraged me to start a conversation telling my stepdad just what he has meant to me and how much I loved him and will miss him. While it may feel awkward (it did to me) to initiate such a conversation, it will bring you (and her) immeasurable comfort down the road. To have said exactly what you want to say. That you love her, what she meant to you, what your relationship has meant to you, how much you will miss having her in your life. You can tell her that you are sorry that distance has affected your relationship but your love for her hasn't changed.
Please do this.
I am so glad I got the chance to tell my stepfather everything I wanted to say.
God bless.
I agree with Robyn R. Talk about the times that you remember as memory makers... the times she impacted you, her advice, the great memories you had with her from the time you were very small to today.
My grandma was in Seattle and I was in Los Angeles when she was dying and I wrote her a letter about all the little things she did for me that made my childhood wonderful, her backyard and how it was like the secret garden and how I would get up earlier than anyone else just so I could sit on her lap first before my cousins woke up and be with her.... about her dogs and my grandpa and really happy times and her care giver said she would read it everyday. At least you get to be there to tell her in person. Don't kick yourself for time lost... just make the most of now. She knows you love her.
You can catch up. IN fact, she is probably wanting to tell some of her antedotes and life stories to someone for the last time. She obviously knows she is dying,a s does everyone else. don't ignore the elephant in the room and embrace the fact that you get to help her replay some of her favorite childhood or adult moments. Write some of her stories down if she is up for it.
This is coming from a person whose father died young of terminal cancer and this was all he wanted, for people to actually want to share a part of him and hear his stories and wisdom before he died.
You being there for her now is going to say a lot. Spend time talking about the wonderful times you had together. By letting her know how much she has meant to you and how she has touched your life, you are giving her an amazing gift. Best wishes.
Spend the time catching up with her and sharing with her the things you want to say, as if this is the last time you'll get to see her. Enjoy the visit. Enjoy being with her, and be happy to be with her. Don't pretend she's not sick. Don't pretend she's going to be fine. But don't dwell on the inevitable outcome of her illness either. Look back on happy times together, and above all else, make sure she knows how much you appreciate her and how much she's changed your life.
Just to let you know, we just went through this with my mother-in-law last year. She had lived nearby when my husband and I were in college and just dating (during which time, she was a real friend to me) but moved across the country with my father-in-law after my husband and I got married. We were still in that broke phase of life; they weren't much better. So we saw them a total of maybe 6 times in ten years; one of those visits was when we knew she was terminally ill but before she went completely downhill. We made the most of the time together: family photos, lots of long talks, and family meals. It was a priceless opportunity for all of us, but very sad too. Before she was sick, a phone call was just a phone call. After she was sick and terminal, every phone call became valuable, a chance to say the things we didn't want to regret not saying. The last time I talked to her, I knew it was going to be the last time, and although it was difficult (physically) to get the words out (I was crying pretty hard), I was so glad that she had a chance to hear that she had made a difference in so many lives.
I'm so sorry for your sad situation. Your Aunt will be so happy to see you. Follow her lead. If she wants to talk, talk to her and don't be afraid to tell her what's in your heart. It's OK for her to see that you are sad about what's happening. It's OK for you to tell her that you will miss her. It's also OK to laugh and talk about the good times. Try not to worry. It will all sort of unfold "organically" and be whatever it needs to be for both of you.
Take care.
It's never too late to catch up while she is still alive.. Get everything off your chest.. apologize for losing touch and tell her about all the good things you have going for you--- let her talk and just talk like two old friends catching up. Love on her.. play music... chat.. kiss and hug her.. do everything you want to do- she loves you and she knows you are sad, I bet she is sad too
Here are a couple of books you may want to read or skim through: FInal Gifts: Understanding the Special awareness, needs and communication of the dying
or Final Journeys: a practical guide for bringing care and comfort at the end of life
I lost my Mom almost 2yrs ago to Brain Cancer-- message me if I can be of any help
My dad has cancer and I'm going to see him next week, and stay to help my mom. She's already warned me that he often wants to be left alone. Everyone wants to come over to see him. He's touched but tired. He can only be sociable for a short time, 15-30 minutes, then he's done for the day. I had a friend who passed away who had the same problem, he appreciated the visits but it exhausted because he tried to be as "normal" as possible for visitors. So my main advice it so be sensitive about this and keep your visit short. You might want to talk to her hospice care provider ahead of time to see how long you should stay, and if there is anything you can do to help your aunt while there.
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Tell her everything you have ever wanted to. Laugh and talk about when you were little. Ask her stories about when she was little. It doesn't have to be a " bad" visit. Rejoice in her and be grateful for the time you have known her. It will be hard and im sorry your going through this. Hugs to you dear.
