How Can I Be There for Her?

She may not want visitors while getting treatments. My grandmother had cancer and it was awful to see her so sick, she didn’t want too many people around her. She may also feel embarrassed with how the treatments affect her. I would just continue to let her know that you are there if she needs anything. I can also understand why she would want her son back in school and not see her this way.

There is something else to consider. If she is getting chemo then she is better to stay away from anyone that could be sick. It drops the immune system even if she is receiving small dosages.

There are lots of things you can do:

You can make food for them to put up in the freezer, so she doesn't have to worry about what her family will eat. Just show up with it.

You can come in a clean her house once a week, or pay to have a housekeeper come in, so her house will be clean and comfortable for her.

Ask her husband for a list of errands you can run, or things you can do so that he can be with her and doesn't have to leave her by herself during her recovery

Make her a care package of a snuggly blanket, soothing music CD, or things you think she would find comforting and take it to her.

Send her a card or letter every day. Put it in the mail now, and mail her one every day. Or a little letter. They don't have to be just sentimental. They can be funny, stories from work, an article with a current event. Whatever you see that you think will make her laugh or feel cared for or just keep her up to date.

Show you are willing to help and that you can be relied on, no matter when the procedure is and she'll will remember the things you did to help even if (and especially because) she didn't ask for it.

I dont have any advice. I just wanted to thank you for having a caring heart and loving, charitable attitude. I read so many women on here that are all about themselves, setting boundaries, and just aren't giving or very nice at all. It's nice to see someone want to go the extra mile for a friend and extend themself.

When I had cancer, a friend of mine - a long-time friend but not a particularly close one - said, "Let me know when this happens; I WILL be there for you." She didn't let me say no. I'm very thankful.

You might want to approach your friend that way, if you don't think she'll be hostile. Be direct: "I'm your friend, and I want to be there when you go through this. Please let me do it." She may be a very private person, but she might respond favorably to this.

You sound like a great friend! I think you have done what you can for now to let her know you are there for her. Then when she is ready, maybe she will reach out to you and ask you to come. Some people are more private about their treatments etc. and she may be that type of person. Let her know you are there and check in with her frequently as the days go by. GL

M

Ask her what would help. Would she prefer some meals be sent home while she's in the hospital? Would she want visitors? Would she want help with the kids?

Friend of ours (DH had known him 30 years) recently died of cancer. We weren't sure what to do or say to him or his wife during his last days but just asking and getting info like "If we don't pick up, leave a message" and "call ahead before you come to the hospital or house" was useful to all of us. And even though our friend was terminal, you were asked not to come if you were sick because other patients on the floor could get ill.

The instances illustrating extreme grace, that I have seen, have been where people just show up at the time when the family could use them.
Stop talking about it. Don't text her about it.
Call her home and ask where she is, call the hospitals, ask if she is there. IF you can find out when the procedure is then plan for part of the day off.... Then GO and meet her husband and/or kids there. Bring some snacks, a Thermos of coffee and some paper cups, a newspaper maybe and "feel" how they seem with you there. Even a brief pop in from a friend, during those waiting room times will be a comfort. Offer to say a prayer with and for the family while you're there. Be prepared for it to go either way--brief visit or long vigil.
In the event that she wants her privacy, then as a friend, you need to give that to her. Send her a cheer card every day (to her home, her spouse will take it to the hospital. Send something to the house: flowers, baked goodies, etc.

I think that perhaps it would be better to support her in the background instead of on the front lines, so to speak. There are many ways you can help her family - cleaning house and washing clothes, helping with the kids, with homework, helping them keep organized. Staying with them so her husband can visit her in the hospital until she is "well enough" to bring the kids. Cooking dinner for them so that dad doesn't have to.

You could find out now what the kids do and do not like, and start to prepare.

Your presence in the home during this time might mean a whole lot more to her than you being with her. Her hint that she doesn't want her son to see her struggle speaks volumes. You are smart to have noticed that.

Thank you for your attitude and spirit. People handle things different ways - some let it all hang out, and some keep it close. Your friend keeps it close. Either type person needs all the help she can get.

Dawn

This is sooo wonderful that you want to do this. Can you talk to her husband and let her know that you want to be there for her and if he could keep you in the loop?

I too would be scared. Can you send her flowers at the hospital? she might be afraid to reach out to too many people. Her parents aren't there for her?

Do ask if she's up for visitors and let her know you want and will be there for her..

Tell her you want to help and you want to be there for her. Tell her you are always available to talk but you also want to help. Offer some things you can help with like meals, childcare, housekeeping, etc. See if you and she can agree on some specific tasks. I like some of the other ideas here too.

I was in your situation last fall. My new "work friend" (now one of my closest friends) was diagnosed with ovarian cancer about five months after we met. Take her lead here. If she's not giving you the specifics then she doesn't want you in the hospital visiting.

When my girlfriend had her surgery and chemo she really didn't want a lot of visitors because she wasn't up to it and frankly didn't want me seeing her without her make-up and very stylish clothing. So... here's what I did...
1. Texted her twice a day (good morning and good evening)- this usually resulted in her picking up the phone a couple of times a week when she was feeling up to a conversation.
2. Sent her cards randomly. Some were sentimental, some were funny, some were just strange (but she has that kind of humor). I would include random work gossip along with new pictures of my son and our friends.
3. Had food sent to the house from a local restaurant each week- nothing huge, but that way at least her husband had dinner!

When she came back to work, she gave me a huge hug and thanked me for being her friend. She also made a point of telling our supervisor that I had kept her up-to-date, so she was ready to hit the ground running.

You don't need to be there physically to be there for her.

Give her a few choices. Ask her what you can do to help her. Does she need you to help out before the surgery? Would she like you to be there the day of? Afterwards? A few days later? Run errands, do laundry - anything? Be on call to come over when she needs you? Give her lots of options and tell you that you are there for her and her family. Anything you do will be of help to her. Good for you.

Be honest about how you would like to help. It can be hard to accept help. My sister went through chemo for ovarian cancer. She was very private and a little proid so this experience humbled her a lot. She really appreciated all the visits, cards, gifts, etc... People who would mow her lawn, pick up her bills, sit with her so I could do errands... We did not really ask for help, people just came and it was amazing!! She may say no its ok, but do something. Talk to her husband, or bring over a meal to them. Offer to take the girls to do something special... Do stuff behind the scenes if you sense she is needimg some space. See if you can donate sick or vacation time-many people did that for my sister and it helped a lot!

You are a true friend!