What Do I Do About My Disrespectful Step Kids and Their Father Who Wont Enforce

Stop rescuing them, allow the to experience the consequences of their habits. I would not pick up anything they mess up, I would also let them spit and then when it is still there the next time they do it they might spill it on themselves.

If you continue to clean up after them they will continue to treat you as the maid their dad sleeps with.

I would also consider finding my own place. If you have limited income or are a low income family please get on the waiting list now for low income housing to get out of there.

Just because you move out does not mean you can't still be with this man, you may just have to wait out his kids. Then let the man know if he wants you that having a cleaning crew come in to sanitize the house would be a nice housewarming present.

I have a dear friend who married the man of her dreams. He does a brisk business of collecting junk cars and selling the parts off of them from his back yard.... She knew going in that she would be the main breadwinner for the family and would be continuing to work full time. She could not get along with the new hubbies young son. She was yelled at, belittled, etc...the hubby backed her up completely. She finally decided to get her own apartment for a while to let the son have some peace. Once her grew up a bit and could accept her she was able to move home and they lived much more happily. He moved out on his own a year or so later and considers her his closest thing to a mother. Her moving out for a while and continuing to date the boyfriend allowed the son to accept her more slowly and gave him time to get to know her in a different light. She became much less threatening to his relationship with his dad and he was able to start treating her with respect and ended up loving her.

Just want to let you know I am in a similar situation. And my advise to you is get out as soon as you can, this behavior has caused huge fight with me and my now husband and a not so good realtioship with his oldest son. My husband now cleans up after them , because i have refused to do so, his oldest still does nothing. I have been able to somewhat have the two younger ones start leaning now that my husband now sees how frustrating it is to be cleaning up after grown kids.

You other option is to count the years until they are out of the house if you are too blinded by his love...

Are these your stepchildren or your boyfriend's children? If you are not married and these are not "your" responsibility, then find a place to live with your children on your own. I'm not suggesting that you end the relationship, but there seems to be a lack of respect towards you AND your children on the part of this man and his children.

If he doesn't respect you and your wishes, they won't either. If he decides to respect you and your children, then he needs to parent his children and show you that you are a priority. Until he does so, you and your children are your ONLY priority and your kids don't need to be around this behavior.

I agree, ditch the guy your kids should not have to grow up in this environment!

I'm sorry for my response , but why again are you with this man? It wouldn't take me long to leave if this was the way he was parenting his children. No love loss for me, I'll say that. He also doesn't respect you enough to make sure his children listen to you..It's ridiculous if you ask me.

Dear S.,

I could write a book on this one, but I'll get right to the point: GET OUT NOW!!!!

Your three toddlers should be your #1 priority. This is a horrible environment for them. Residing in a homeless shelter until you get on your feet and can provide for them would be better than this mess.

Leave now before you have yet another little one to care for, which would complicate your life on several different levels.

Forget "loving" this guy. You can get over a man. Your children will spend the rest of their lives trying to get over their horrendous childhood if you don't leave now. Not trying to be mean. Just to the point to help you save your sanity and your life and that of your children.

Best wishes to you and your children.

J. F.

Why would you want to be with a man like that? He is 100% responsible for his own kids and how they act in his house. If he is allowing this behavior and condoning the horrible way they treat you he is not worthy of your "love".
I'd be out by morning, sounds like a miserable place to live.

You have 3 kids of your own who are being raised around this behavior...you said you have only been with this guy a year, right? Ditch him and move on to someone with less baggage!

It is REALLY hard, and close to impossible... to "change" the ethos of a family and the kids and the parenting, of someone else's family.
This.... is their entrenched family culture.
Of which, you will have a very hard time, trying to change them.
So know that.
It probably will NEVER change.
And then the question is: do you even want that kind of life? Forever? Do you want that kind of problems and stress and frustration everyday... always? Or not?
Is that... really worth it to you?????

I assume you are not married to this guy? You said you've been with him for 1 year. So it seems he is just a "Boyfriend?"

If it were me... I would leave.

Again, you CANNOT change the intrinsic Ethos, of a family and the values of your Boyfriend and his kids.

And, you... are of a completely DIFFERENT value system than they do. Your own... ethos, is not compatible, with them.
THUS... you will ALWAYS have these problems... with your Boyfriend AND his kids.
It will not change.

And the other bottom line is: this is not good for YOUR own child. Either.

You can stay and put up with it or leave.
It is a choice.
You are not married to him.
And I would NOT, marry him.

Cut your loses.

LEAVE.
It is not worth it, at all.

Think about the kind of life and environment, that you want your own child... to grow up in.
Why would you want your own child to be exposed to them and to that kind of screwed up mentality and fighting all the time?
NOT good.
This is just not a good nor compatible, relationship or situation.

If you stay... you AND your child... will be as dysfunctional as they are. And you will become just like them.

If I was dating someone with those parenting skills, it would be a HUGE turn off. Sounds like you know how to raise your kids. They deserve better. I vote lose that spoiled crew, including their dad. You can't do anything about kids that old who have been raised that way, and you don't want your kids around them.

Leave. You haven't been with him for very long. You need to go now because the longer you're there, the more your toddlers will bond with your "man" and the harder it will be on them. If you don't leave, make no mistake about it, your toddlers will start acting like the older boys. Kids learn from their life experiences so they are learning each day from these older boys. Also, if the boys are allowed to have sexual partners as young as 14, they are headed for trouble and it won't be long before they will be a defendant in a criminal action and subsequently registered sex offenders.

Get out now!

Why are you with this guy? Is he the father of the three toddlers? If not, then I'd get the heck out! If he is, then you REALLY need to set some boundaries and rules! Why don't they go live with their mother?

Good luck!!

At the kids' ages and given how long this has gone on, IT IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. Period. You have innocent little ones. Get yourself and them out of there first chance you get.

Sometimes I just have a hard time believing posts are real. If this is real, you all need a LOT of help. Sorry, just the way I see it.

For instance...you have an unlicensed teenager doing God knows what, who is allowed to drive?? Whose care is he driving? If it were me, the second he was in a car out the door, I'd call the police and give them the details, along with the license plate.

Really? After reading your "so what happened" I am just disgusted. YOU ARE ALLOWING 14 YEAR OLD GIRLS TO HAVE SEX IN YOUR HOUSE. Don't put it all on your "husband." You're there, too. It's disgusting. Honestly, and I'm not trying to be harsh, but I can't help it...if I lived near you and knew your family, I'd call CPS and DEMAND SOMETHING BE DONE. You shouldn't be raising toddlers in this house.

Here's my advice....it's a free country.....LEAVE now before your young children also start treating you like a doormat.

Hon, you treat people how to treat you.....I would stop instantly picking up anything and putting it away for these kids. Instead, I would get a big box, put it in the garage, and put there stuff you picked up out there....they can look for it when they need it.

I would put put a BIG calendar with chores and responsibilities and IF and only IF they accomplish them with satisfactory results, will you even feed feed them. Otherwise, they can live on canned soup and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I would not put any effort into them unless they met me half way.

And since the pattern is already set, chances are not good about your making a first impression unless... you have a huge family pow-wow and put on a big stink about this whole scenario is coming to an end right now.

You'll need more than luck with this problem...you'll need grit and determination and probably family counseling....but that will go over like a lead balloon with spoiled teens.

Ahhh, why do you think he is divorced in the first place? The second thing - you marry the guy , you marry his family - do you need that? And it is going to get worse... Just drop the guy... find someone without problems. You need a good example for your kids. Not this.

Go with your gut. This is NOT a quality guy who it willing the be a responsible parent. It's not your job (nor your right) to try to convince another adult that he is being a lousy parent. It's your job to look out for the best interest of your kids and make good judgments about who you allow in their lives. This guy and his kids are bad news. I would end this relationship pronto. I have a blended family and teenager and I would never be with someone who allows this kind of behavior. It's just wrong on so many levels. I would feel bad leaving these kids to such a lousy parent (and I would imagine that their mother is just as bad or absent?) but you can't save everyone and teenagers are impossible to change unless their parent(s) are driving the truck. His son is going to be a baby-daddy before you know it and if the other one is a girl, I'd bet she's popping out a kid in a year or two based on what it allowed to go on. It's time to walk away - you and your children deserve better.

Tell him he isnt parenting his older kids, he isnt showing that he has their best interests at heart, he is merely doing what is easiest for him if he doesnt care enough about his older kids to parent them, take your little ones and get out!

Leave. The boys are reflecting the father. You don't need to take care of THREE more children. Your boyfriend isn't respecting you, and you don't need that example for your children.

dump all of them who need that your not a maid you deserve better

Wow! Hate to say it, but I'm glad I'm not you. You all sound like you're ready for the Dr. Phil show. I agree with the other posters, since it sounds like niether you hubby or his kids respect you or show you love. Until then...Yeah, I'd still pick up after them, but......I'd put all their garbage in their rooms or on their beds and close the door. If they are at least in the same class as dogs, they won't sleep in their own squallar. You also want to keep instilling in your own children that they need to study, so they can get good jobs and live happy lives. Show them examples on TV or friends or professionals willing to talk, so they know what a good life is.

S.,
You can say something. You can do something. You can get out. You've already written that. I hope you update with something positive for yourself, and tell us about it.

wow, I'm still working on this - toddlers in our house too - but a husband who at times won't say no.

Truly hope you do post something positive in how you are going to teach your children positive life skills!
Good luck,
M.

I'm sorry... I'm confused:

Are these your stepkids or are these your boyfriend-of-a-year's children?

I agree with Krista P.

And to add to it - do you want your kids learning from these kids. Cause they will.

If you are going to stay with this guy, you need to sit everyone down and have a family meeting. You are the mom of YOUR house and you rule in it, the kids don't. Figure out what the rules and consequences are before the meeting. Assign each kid a chore (or more) to do and hold them to it. Tell them everything is starting RIGHT NOW. And YOU enforce it whether your boyfriend helps or not. Its not ok for them to act like this. And being an insurance agent, I'm pretty pissed about the whole driving without a license issue. If that kid causes an accident and/or injury to anyone, you really don't want to know what kind of problems that can cause you guys since the kid is still a minor. Take control now before your younger kids start to think they can act like this. Good luck.