My son and his wife have decided to put my 6 month grandson in daycare fulltime for 4 days a week. I have been the only babysitter for him in his short life with no incidents. I don't smoke or drink and the baby loves grandpa. I offered to take him until he is old enough to talk enough to let them know if something bad is happening to him. I am sick at the thought of this infant being cared for by literal strangers that don't love him. Am I out of touch thinking a 6 month old is too young for daycare when there is an alternative.
This is not about ME. It us about doing what is right for my grandson. I have a full life but would gladly let it go for a year so when he would be old enough to enjoy the socializing with other children. When I say I babysat, it was when they went out because the mother was home and is now going back to work.
I found that most people were offended by my question because they were a daycare worker or their children were put in daycare so they had no objective opinion. There was not much intelligent conversations but irrate finger pointing. In fact, I am going off the site because there was maybe one answer that was objective so the rest were full of basic accustions as to why my grandson would not be put in my care although I have been the only person that they trusted since his birth. This was a question dealing with daycare of a 6 month old vs. home care by a loving grandmother for a period of one year. I personally lived at an income that allowed me to stay with my children until pre-kindergarten. My two boys never were in trouble, were athletes, and got masters degrees and are both contributing members of society. Of course, it is the parents choice if their child is put in daycare and that is a no brainer but the discussion was about the effects of a 6 month old being placed in daycare. When you hear that women would rather attack each other than have an objective conversation, this is a prime example of it.
This is an article from Psychology Today.
Daycare: Raising Baby
Does daycare affect a child's behavior and development? It all depends on the quality of care.
By Hara Estroff Marano, June 9, 2016. This was from a large study on daycare.
Asking how daycare affects a child's behavior and development is a lot like asking how parenting affects a child's behavior and development. The short answer is, daycare has a variety of measurable effects, many of them positive and some of them negative. And they hinge on the quality of the care, the type of care, and the amount of time spent in it, pretty much as with parenting.
Researchers now know that the nature of daycare arrangements (more than ten hours a week spent in the care of someone other than the mother) has a long reach effect. The type and quality of care can influence many aspects of development—including memory, language development, school readiness, math and reading achievement, the nature of relationships with parents and teachers, social skills, work habits, and behavioral adjustment—at least through grade school. That's important because in many domains, patterns established by the third grade tend to become highly stable and enduring.
The single best source of information about the effects of childcare is the still-ongoing study begun by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development in the early 1990s. In 1991, the study enrolled 1,364 children at birth in ten locations around the U.S. and carefully observed and monitored them periodically in whatever care situations their family chose—center-based daycare, daycare in a home, at-home care (including maternal care and nanny care), grandparent care, father care. The study has continued to monitor them through grade school and beyond.
Recently, a new wave of results was released and made news because they confirmed and bolstered the validity of an earlier finding that daycare is associated with some negative effects on child behavior. The study found that the more time a child spent in center-based daycare before kindergarten the more likely their sixth grade teacher was to report that the child "gets in many fights," is "disobedient at school," and "argues a lot."
The authors stress that their study is correlational, and thus it cannot say for sure what is the cause of the aggression and disobedience. They also emphasize that the size of the effect is small. However, because the quality of childcare in the community varies much more than it does in the study, it could actually be understating the effect of center-based daycare on problem behavior. But even a modest effect on behavior would have a big impact in classrooms around the country. The researchers emphasize that many millions of children are in daycare, and for 60 percent of them, the care-giving is neither sensitive nor responsive to their needs.
The study authors suggest that the correlation between center care and problem behaviors could be due to the fact that center-based child-care providers often lack the training, as well as the time, to address behavior problems. For example, center-based child-care providers may not be able to provide sufficient adult attention or guidance to address problems that may emerge when groups of young children are together, such as how to resolve conflicts over toys or activities.
The latest wave of results also demonstrated that regardless of the amount of time they spent in childcare or the type of care, those children who received higher quality child care in the early years also had better vocabularies in the fifth grade than kids who received lower-quality care. Early exposure to adult language aided children's language development. High-quality care is defined in the study as "sensitive and responsive," reflecting the caregiver-child interaction and stimulation, and it was readily detectable by trained observers who made multiple visits to each site.
How parents choose to raise their children is among the most important decisions they make. People have a great emotional stake in believing that their childcare decision is the right one. Most parents want "the best" for their children.
It's important for parents, educators and lawmakers to have a complete picture of the effects of daycare on children. Among the varied findings to date:
Memory: Children who spent more time in center-based care displayed an early advantage. They tended to score higher on standardized tests of short-term memory. This effect emerged even before starting school and is maintained during the primary grades.
Cognitive development: Sensitive and responsive care-giving leads to academic achievement throughout the primary grades, as measured by tests of math, reading, and such cognitive processes as memory for sentences.
Social skills: Early positive effects of high-quality care on cooperation, assertion, responsibility, and self control seemed to disappear at later ages—although the researchers point out that long-term positive effects on social development may well reappear at a later age because development is dynamic.
Behavior problems: Even high-quality care did not reduce the number of behavior problems among those in childcare.
Conflictual relationships: More time spent in center-based child-care led to reports of more conflict—with parents and teacher.
Work habits: The greater the amount of time children spent in childcare in kindergarten, the more their teachers later reported that they do not work independently, did not use their time wisely, and did not complete their work promptly in grade school.
Social-emotional functioning: How skilled children are with peers and how well they solve problems with them was negatively impacted by many hours in daycare.
At my son's school, the daycare takes kids as young as 6 weeks old -- usually for parents who don't have a choice. It all depends on the family situation.
As a grandmother whose 2nd grandbaby just started daycare this week at less than 2 months old, I can only hope that you are filled with love and support for your son and daughter-in-laws decision to utilize daycare instead of having you do it. I know my daughter would be very hurt if I didn't support her choices . . .
By the way, you don't get to choose what is "right" for your grandson - his parents do.
Good luck
This is just one of many times your son and daughter-in-law are going to make a different decision than you would have. If you value having a loving, _mutually respectful_ relationship with them then stay out of it.
(I am not even going to touch your misconceptions of what childcare is or your implicit insults to childcare
ETA: I hope you find what you're looking for wherever you post next, because it's clear from your SWH that you don't want advice, you want validation. YOU are the one who is not objective. Perhaps you should consider your seeming inability to be wrong when you think about why his parents might want to use options other than you for childcare.
I took care of my first 2 grandchildren until I was in my 60's. I was hurt and didn't understand why she made that choice.
Later, I understood. Looking back, I realized that I couldn't be their grandmother and full time caretaker. As a caretaker, I followed Mom's rules. We had disagreements about how to take care of them. Our relationship was strained.
I'm glad my daughter decided to not have me watch them. Now, I'm able to be a grandmother. I can have more fun. I can do most things while they're with me because my daughter didn't have so many rules when I was the grandmother.
I very much enjoy having time with my grandkids now. I've chosen to not travel long distances because life is short and I love being a part of their lives. You will find a balance once you are free to spend time doing other things which you enjoy.
Here is looking at my being full time caretaker. I remember when my daughter was a first time mom. Having me around seemed to undermine her self confidence. She felt she had to defer to me even when she didn't agree with me. She wanted to learn for herself.
She did ask me my opinion from time to time. When I learned to just listen without trying to fix things or present another view, she shared more with me. We have become good friends after both of us were able to relax more, trust and respect each other more. I either support my daughter's choices or say nothing unless she asks for my opinion.
You mentioned you are willing to give up your activities to take care of grandchild for a year. If your adult children are able to pay for day care, it's a good thing. Continuing your activities is a part of taking care of your self. I am somewhat disappointed that I haven't been able to travel as I planned. If my daughter could afford daycare I would be happy to travel.
Later, after your SWH: The studies you cited were about daycare and not about when a child should go to daycare. They don't address the issue of home care vs daycare. So, I understand why you asked that question.
The decision can only be made by a child's parents. The studies you cited are about the possible negative aspects of childcare with these particular parents and children in daycare without describing the type of facilities the children are placed.
One study does mention that outcomes may be related to the quality of day care. The studies made no mention of grandparents as care takers. So, I'm not sure how the studies relate to your decision unless you're saying that grandparents are better because daycare isn't perfect. There are pros and cons for both situations. The studies do not say one is better than the other.
I reread your initial post asking a question. You say grandson will be cared by strangers who have poor training. I disagree. Of course that is a possibility. Hopefully his parents know the quality of care and what his caretaker is like.
My experience has been that the caretaker often has a 2 year degree in child development. Caretakers were warm and loving. My grandson, as a toddler, was with 2 different caretakers in their homes. Both were state certified. Our experience was good.
Do you not trust that his parents will make a choice based on their visits and questions? There is no age recommended for starting daycare. There is no way any of us can know whether or not he's too young or what kind of care he'll receive from you or daycare. I suggest you trust his parents to know what they think is best for their son. I suggest you learn about the specific daycare they have chosen. Ask them why they've chosen daycare without arguing you can do better. I suggest that when you argue with the parents, they'll be less willing to listen to you. This is there first baby. It is best for your grandchild to have parents and grandparents who get along.
I also do not see most of the answers critical of you. TheyI read the overall comments giving you their opinion based on daycare not as it relates to you. The choice for care is complicated and involves relationships as well as the competence of those doing the care taking. Do you object to posts saying it's the parents' decision?
If you haven't already do pro and con list. Being the grandparent who loves their grandson is just one of many reasons for you to be caretaker.
Your SWH: the article you cited did not compare home care with a grandmother to daycare. And....they are speaking of a effect on children who have been in daycare for several years. Your son and his wife are placing him in daycare now. That does not mean he'll always be in daycare.
Of course you are hurt. Do you feel that they are saying daycare is better for the son than being cared for by you? Please consider that they are doing this for reasons unrelated to your quality of care? Have they told you why they've made this decision. Have you listened with an open mind? This is a fight in which no one will win.
I really haven't read posts that are critical of you. You mentioned something like we aren't able to have a discussion that allows for an exchange of ideas. I can't find that part of your comments. We have given you our ideas based on very little information. The site is not set up for a back and forth conversation. However, if you want us to consider your ideas, you can add more information about why they've made this decision and reasons you think it's best for you to take care of him. Loving him is a positive but doesn't give reasons other than love. I've seen many parents who definitely love their children who aren't able to provide ongoing care.
The best age is whatever age the parents choose. My younger kids started at 6 months old and 9 months old, respectively, but were with a sitter full time at my house from 12 weeks to when they started daycare (I had older kids who had a summer nanny/sitter that helped delay the daycare start). Most of the daycare kids started at 3 months.
You are not a full time care provider. They have chosen full-time professional caregivers. That is their choice to make. It may not be the same decision that you would have made, but trust that they did their research and have chosen a trustworthy, high-quality provider. For some families, having a grandparent help out with childcare is an excellent choice and something decided on well in advance. For other families, it makes sense to rely on professional care. There is not right or wrong choice.
If you want to be supportive, what can be a huge help is to be available for backup care. When babies start group care, they can often end up getting a lot of colds or fevers that require them to stay home. Having a grandparent be able to take a sick baby for a day or two so that the parents don't have to use all of their sick and vacation time can be a HUGE help and a way for you to stay close to your new grandchild without interfering with the long term care plan that his parents carefully chose.
Believe me, with a good relationship, there will be many, many opportunities to help with caring for your grandchildren over the years. My kids range in age from 12-20 now and my parents still help out with my younger boys when I'm in a pinch over the summer, school vacation, or a day off from school when I have to work and they need a ride somewhere or something to do for the day. When my kids were younger, my parents helped out with part-time care, picking up from daycare when I was working late, helping with transitions when pre-school and Kindergarten only covered a few hours of the day, etc. Be supportive and let your son and his wife know that you are willing and able to help whenever they need it.
Whatever age they are when their parents decide they need full time daycare.
Some kids go to daycare full time at 6 weeks, when parents have to go back to work. There's no magic age. I suspect that you wouldn't be too happy about it no matter when it occurred. Are you hurt that they have made another plan? Do you feel they are rejecting you? Do you have a different parenting style or different rules? Do you have any health issues that may make them feel child care is a burden or a problem, or that it will be when the baby is mobile (which he probably is close to being now - at least crawling)?
I think it's dismissive to suggest that daycare workers are not loving and caring people. They certainly aren't in it for the money or the benefits. Most are in it because they love it. Professionals can often give kids some skills that family cannot - even the ability to separate from Mom/Dad and bond with another person and be calm in another setting. If you're opposed to this in principle, would you also be opposed to preschool or pre-K? What about when we send our children to kindergarten and elementary school, to be cared for by "literal strangers who don't love him."
As for kids being able to express themselves - verbal skills are acquired over time. When I was teaching, I frequently saw kindergarteners, second graders and even older kids who couldn't really express themselves well. Skilled teachers and daycare workers can "read" a child's demeanor and reactions, just as you feel you can do now.
I don't know what the parents' issues are - maybe it's not about your values and care, but maybe it's about them wanting you to just be a special grandparent vs. a daily worker. If they can't talk to you about it, perhaps it's because they feel you are too set in your ways or already decided about your opinions.
There are plenty of bad parents and bad grandparents - they are not necessarily more skilled than good daycare workers. I assume your kids will choose a licensed facility or provider with a good reputation and references, and that they will be vigilant. I hope you will resist the temptation to be critical when he, say, gets his first cold (he'd have gotten one with you anyway, right?) - don't be "that grandma" who critiques everything her kids do or says "I told you so." That will just drive a wedge.
Remember that they have honored you for 6 months by letting you have this special bond with their son. Nothing will take that away. You can still have special times with this child, and you'll be less tired and able to enjoy them.
A good daycare takes very good care of babies, and of course they love them. Maybe not like family but still, of course they do! You have had your chance to raise your children the way you wanted to and now your son is doing the same. Love and respect his wishes and don't criticize, otherwise you may see your grandchild even less.
I'm sorry you felt attacked. I really didn't see alot of posts making accusations that you didn't care well for your grandson and that's why the parents decided to put him in daycare. Is it possible that you yourself fear the parents think that, so you are reading it into the responses? I just want to respond to your statement that people can't have an objective opinion on daycare if they put their child in daycare or work in one. Isn't it also true that if someone DIDN'T put their child into daycare, their opinion on daycare, her or his opinion is subjective too? They don't know what it's like to have a kid in daycare or how the kids develop over time. The real goal is to be willing to hear new information and think about it. As for the results of your childrearing, it's great that your kids turned out well. I do think it would be valuable for you to consider the possibility that just as many kids who go to daycare ALSO turn out well. I know plenty of them. For the sake of your relationship with your son, daughter-in-law, and grandson, I hope you will set aside your disappointment at not becoming the main daycare provider for them and decide to support the decision they have needed to make for their lives wholeheartedly. If you do, you may be rewarded with lots of good visits with them on weekends and after-school hours.... and being the backup childcare when the daycare is closed or grandson has a sniffle and can't go.
I am still friends with our kids' daycare provider and our kids are tween and teenage now. She loved them like her own kids, even accepting our son with special needs. There are some amazing people working in childcare who love what they do and the kids in their care.
There can also be some big benefits to daycare. The big one we saw was when our late talker son (who was under special monitoring by his doctor for it) started talking in combined words within a couple months of starting daycare at two. It's like he was wanting to get it just right and being around peers gave him the confidence to try.
There may be a lot of different reasons going into their decision. It isn't about you, it's about what they feel makes the most sense for their family right now.
We didn't have a choice (it was when we needed child care). That differed for all my kids depending on our circumstances at the time.
When they were babies, it was really about having their needs met. I felt that once they were toddlers, they got more out of it - socialization wise - there was a point where they really seemed to enjoy going and when we dropped them, and picked them up - they were engaged and I realized that I felt they were getting a lot out of the program, and not just 'care'.
I can't say when that was exactly, because it differed for each child. They ran a pretty structured program there, but it was also very relaxed in other ways (comfortable, and kids could do as they liked), but I loved the mix. The kids had lots of opportunities but also could just veg as they would at home. We had a great center.
As for babies requiring care - so long as the baby's needs are met, I'm not sure you can say he's too young for daycare. I don't think anything bad would happen to him. I never considered that - I felt confident in our kids' daycare centers though. I never once felt my children would have to report on the teachers.
I don't know why your son and wife have chosen not to keep their child in your care. I think that's really your question and one that can only be answered by them. I would encourage you to have an open and frank conversation with them. You obviously are not happy. They must have their reasons. It might very well not be anything personal.
We did not go with grandparents because it wasn't convenient.
When maternity leave is up - for many - so that's 12 weeks if you are lucky.
Our son was 12 weeks old when he started at a commercial daycare - 5 days a week from 6:30am to 3:30pm.
He thrived on it!
A fire station was right across the street - I think that was what started his life long love of firetrucks.
This isn't your call to make.
I understand you are worried but there are some wonderful daycare places out there.
Trust that the parents will make good decisions and let it go.
It's sometimes good for grandparents to be grandparents and not daycare - because that can really turn it into an obligation or a job.
Plus some grandparents can not keep up with a young child - your kids might be trying to spare your health.
Proposing that you be daycare till child talks (which is around 2 yrs old give or take 6 months - so for the next 2 years) is not practical.
Get a hobby so you do not have the time on your hands to 'be worried sick'.
Keep your social life busy.
Additional:
You were never interested in 'a conversation' about daycare.
You were interested in having people agree with you and nothing more.
That is not a conversation.
Your article is nonsense.
You seriously think your grandchild will be disruptive in 6th grade because he's not being watched by you and instead will be in daycare.
I've seldom seen a bigger crock of manure than what you have copied/pasted here.
If you want nothing but unicorns, rainbows and glitter blown up your skirt and you want only responses who say "Oh you are so right! You should always have your way! You always know best!" etc and so forth
then in this instance you are indeed correct - this site probably is not a good fit for you.
Your grandchild s parents are wise to take control of their daycare situation and retire you from it.
This is the parent’s decision not yours or mine so it does not matter how we feel. Love and support your grandchild and his parents. That is the best way to have and keep a good relationship with all of them.
If you offered to watch him for the next year and they turned you down, they must have their reasons and you have to respect that. It is his parent's decision. Just continue to give the family love and support and try not to criticize them. New moms are especially sensitive to criticism. Work hard to have a good relationship with them.
Your lengthy SWH lecture says a lot about you and how this post is about you and your judgy attitude about daycare.
My child did not go to daycare, however she has some friends who did and they are great, well adjusted young adults now in their early 20’s.
I didn’t read any response that was attacking you. You are making this about you. Why are you second guessing and harping on your children fir a decision they have every right to make with their child!
I would think if you want to be a part of your grandchildren’s lives that you'd Back off spouting off how you think your children should raise their children. If you talked to me like your SWH, I’d put my child in a daycare as well!
Flounce away.. now you threaten to leave the site because you didn’t get the feedback you wanted. We aren’t here to blow smoke up your pants. We are here for the reality checks and sometimes it’s not what we want to hear.
Why did you ask if you already know "the single best source of information" on this topic?
I really like what Marda P wrote.
Have you asked your son/daughter-in-law why? They could also want to get the child in a 'program' they feel is best for their son.
I do recall a parent feeling her father would 'watch' her son and was so happy when her son started daycare to be active. She said her father would turn the T.V. with her son and watch T.V. for several hours and not go outside and get fresh air. I'm not saying this is you, but this is one example a parent decided daycare over grandparent. Her father loves his grandson, but she felt her son needed a different environment.
I do agree with having a baby in a trusting home (grandparent) until they can talk. This makes a lot of sense. Also, daycares have many children who get sick or hit. Your daughter-in-law may realize the grass is not greener, or have the baby with you part time and with daycare part time to get both experiences.
i don't think fulltime daycare is EVER necessary for kids. for me it's something i had to use as a working mother.
i totally get your POV, but if you're looking for me to help you beat your son over the head with guilt, no way. i too don't get why they'd want to do this- but the parents always have the say.
but for what it's worth, i'm in your corner. i don't get putting an infant in daycare when there's a loving willing grandparent right there. not unless there are other factors to consider.
OOF! just skimmed the voluminous SWH. taking it back. your son and his wife are clearly on the right track.
khairete
S.
I’m with you. Sorry but I don’t think there’s any age that full time daycare is a great option. There are good daycares but there are also bad ones and at such a young age, one or two consistent caregivers who aren’t spread thin seems like a great choice. You don’t say if you have made it clear you would be happy to take care of your grandchild for the next year. Maybe they don’t know. I’d have felt incredibly guilty asking my mother to take care of my baby almost full time so maybe they feel the same way. If you have been clear but they are picking the daycare, then you do need to be supportive and babysit when you can. Of course if the baby is in daycare so much, I assume the parents will want to be with the child almost all of the time they’re not working. But you could still go over and give them a hand.
Daycare for that age is expensive. It begs to question why they would prefer day care over you. Is it logistically easier for drop off pick ups? At that age kids get very sick in daycare your grandson is being exposed to more germs. I had both my kids in daycare that age, but didn’t have a choice. Socializing at that age is not a factor.
You have done your best and they will come crawling back on those many sick days where they won’t be able to miss work and beg for your help. That’s when you can flip it on them that you don’t want to be exposed to the sickness as an elderly person.
