Furious with My Parents

I think there is a little unreasonableness (is that even a word?) on both sides. Yes, they should take a more active role in their grandchildren's lives, but they also gave you warning that they wouldn't be the stereotypical grandparents that devoted their retirement years to their grandchildren.

How were they as parents to you? Were they as actively involved as you'd have liked them to be?

Hi S., I read your post earlier and came back to reply. I am a grandma to 4 and 1 on the way. Was just sitting in my living room floor with 3 of them fighting over sitting on my lap...lol..all the boys are here today. I had an awful Mom. She wouldnt watch my kids but would watch her favorites anytime. I decided my children would be better off not staying with her if she didnt love them like the rest. Please dont do what I did and let it eat away at you and keep you angry. I did that with my mom and didnt even see her for the last 2 years of her life. Dont make that mistake. Of course there were other reason that I didnt see her wasnt just about the kids, but dont let it build up that far.
I have 2 of my grandkids living in my home right now with their parents and it can be stressing, but I love them dearly. I watch them sometimes but sometimes I just dont feel like it.
My daughter told me yesterday that when thye get their house they probably wont come over for awhile because they have been living here for 3 months. I told her she better bring the boys over...lol..But anyway. Not all grandparents want to watch the kids. I'm so sorry you have those kind of parents. Just know they are missing out on alot of love and laughs. Their loss!!!
Like I said try to let the anger go cause it will eat you up! Your son isnt really missing anything from them if they are that way. I know mine dont have alot of happy memories from my mother and they are ok with it.

Take care....L.

Okay S.. I had this total rant on here deleted it all and started over. First of all, you are not being unreasonalbe, they are. But you obviously can't change them. If you feel like it, you can try to work with them and ask what their schedule is like so that you can help them figure out how to incorporate their grandchild into "their life". The other option is to let it go (after spending a couple days punching a punching bag and praying) and find someone else.

When my son was eight, I asked one of his friends mom's to watch him for me. It worked out great since it kept her son from "being bored" she said, and she only charged me 2 dollars an hour, which basically covered food, and swimming pool fees, etc for all the kids. So both kids got to go more places (since I was paying for it) and she got a playmate for her son and to eat out a couple times a week, again since I was paying for it with the 2 dollars an hour. And my son got to have more fun because he was with another kid. The other option would be to find a surrogate grandma. I have made friends with a lady down the street and she will watch the kdis sometimes. She is retired and has grandkids and loves kids. These options will cost you of course, but I don't think that you have a choice unless you can set aside your hurt and be objective about what your parents said and talk to them about working your son into their schedule.They are what they are and you can't change them, I would like to chnge mine sometimes too. Good luck and keep praying. I would bet that it would be better for your son to have different people watching him. You don't want him around people who will end up resenting him for disrupting "their life".

As a "Mimi", I can't imagine NOT wanting to help out. My grandchildren live about 10 hours away and I would love to have more time with them! When they lived close we saw them every Tuesday and at least one weekend day, if not a slumber party at Mimi's. We miss them so much! Your parents have no idea what they are missing...doing life with their grandson. I don't blame you for being angry and hurt...it's not like you are asking for a permanent day care. I don't think it is worth a battle with your parents. With their attitude on this, they are the ones losing out. If they were to help you out, they would probably put some guilt trip on you later. You probably have friends that would be more than happy to help you out in a pinch. All the best to you!

I am a very involved grandmother and, though I can't say there haven't been occasional times I've wished I had a chance to make my own plans without having to be "on call" for my kids, it has been hugely important to me to be as involved as possible with my precious grandchildren - and I'm talking 17 of them! When I was working I have to be honest and say taht I'd feel annoyed that they thought if I had a day off, I was at their disposal & nothing I needed/wanted to do mattered. I always had a big to-do list for those days to handle my own stuff because I spent so much of my time helping already. But that's not your parents' situation at all! I have friends who feel like your folks do, but they aren't people I choose to spend much time with - not a lot in common values-wise!

I don't think you have anything to lose by being honest, even emotional, with your parents. How much worse could it be? My own working and not very healthy mom hardly acknowledged being a grandma, but wrote me a letter late in her life saying that, as she watched me with my grandkids, she realized she had missed a lot and there was no way to get it back. She never remembered their birthdays or anything but would call and say to tell the kids she loved them, which I did - not sure what it really meant to her to "love" them.

When a dear friend said to me, because I was doing so much, "Why do you let them expect you'll always be there to help them? No one helped us when we were raising our kids!", I said "Why do we want to keep that going for another generation?" She was always one to see the kids on her schedule, not theirs, and to buy them things when it was her idea - like a computer to take to college, which has been a good thing.

I developed close friends to trade childcare with and paid when I had to and tried to accept my mom for who she was, emotionally damaged and with a lot of things to deal with. In your case, it'd be harder, but maybe they aren't the best people to be so close to your son anyway if he won't feel loved unconditionally by them. I'd take a crack at breaking through this stand they've taken by opening your heart to them, then let it go and find other resources if they don't change. It's a lose-lose situation but you may not be able to fix it. You'll do much better when it's your turn, I'm sure!

Good luck, S.!

I can see why you're frustrated and angry! I don't think you're overreacting at all.. but know that they won't change and at this point you might want to accept that they have their 'own life' and won't help you out.

I can relate in that my FIL doesn't take time to call us back or get together. He lives 20 minutes away and yet we see him probably 4X a year and it's always on his terms... while we've been angry and frustrated by it at this point we've decided to accept it where it's at and move on.

The other 3 grandparents can't get enough of our son! (both sets of parents are divorced).

hI S.,
Im in the same position. my mom barely sees my kids. She has been to my house exactly 4 times, and the kids are almost 4.

You have to just accept what you cannot change. Yeah, it sucks, but it is what it is. I asked my mom to help me out this week, and she wouldnt because it interfered with her schedule. (so watering her plants was more important to her than doing me a favor.) Some people are just like this.

My inlaws you cannot remove with a prybar when they come. Make peace with the fact your parents are like this or you will drive yourself insane. They might come around, they might not. But you can choose to keep your sanity, and also make the choice NOT to pass this down to your children when the time comes.

A close friend of mine has family support out the wazoo, and it really shines a light on my total lack of family support. At times, its really embarassing how little my family is willing to go out of their way. But, envy is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Get some support with your church, make a sitters club with friends, and develop a healthy "swap" network outside of your dependance of your parents.

One last thing, not to downplay your emotional pain, but just tell yourself to refuse to be the victim to this situation. You sound like a strong and caring Mom-- so hang in there.

Best of luck.
D.

They told you when you were pregnat what the deal was. I too have the same situation as you-only I stopped being angry instantly- only because it causes more stress and negative energy on myself.
My opinion to you, is just try to do it all yourself, look into child care. No sense making yourself crazy! You already knew how they were-as I know how mine is. Let it go-in time they will come around, just like mine did.

S.,

Sorry to hear. Yes, it's a bummer. I can understand why you feel hurt and sad for you and your son. It doesn't sound like you have unreasonable requests from your parents under normal circumstances. But, it sounds like they are not the "norm". They have stated where they stand - that you can not rely on them for help with your kids. And unfortunately, you can't do anything about that.

When I work with my clients I ask them to think what is in their control and what is not. Their choices are not in your control. Only your reaction to their choices is in your control.

What might be helpful in just dealing with it without being so angry is to just accept what is so. Right now you are mad because you think it should be a different way, wish it were a different way, imagine what it would be like if it were a different way - but it isn't a different way. The way it is is the way it is. You can't change it.

When we get frustrated or angry about a situation it is us bumping up against the wall that is reality.

Accepting that it is the way it is doesn't mean you are saying it is right or that you like it. It just releases you from using energy to be mad about something you can't change.

And, doing that will help you get back to enjoying your son more, could transform the relationship you have with your parents, will give you more peace and joy.

Hope this helps - it is a bit hard to go through in an email so I hope it translated okay - don't want to make you feel angrier. Talking it through would be better. You can email me if you'd like.

K.
____@____.com

As a grandparent of 7 I don't understand people when they do this to their kids. Life is sooooooooo short I say we should spend as much time with our family as we can because we don't know what tomorrow holds. My kids and my grandkids have been and still are my top priority. I love spending time with the grandkids. It's not like you ask them all the time I personally think that is selfish on their part but if I were you I would look at it another way. THEY ARE MISSING OUT! I totally understand you being hurt this is the most important person in your life, you love your son more than anything, he is a part of you and you want them to love him and want to spend time with him too. At 8 there really isn't a lot they would have to do it's not like he is in diapers. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you don't have the right to feel hurt and upset by this or any other thing you are a person, you are human and you have the right to feel the way you feel! Is it possible you have a friend or neighbor you trust to fill in the gaps? There were times when I had to work and I couldn't afford Day Care if my Mom and my sisters hadn't helped me out I wouldn't have been able to pay my bills. I hope you find some help and I am sorry that they are not willing to help you. I keep my grandkids anytime I am asked especially while the parents work. I have a grandson that isn't two yet and I have kept him a few days a week since he was a few months old after his mom's leave was up and I enjoy every second of it, her Dad keeps him the days I don't so and we wouldn't have it any other way. I guess I should say also that not everyone is a kid person otherwise there will be a lot of Mom's wanting to tell me what they think. This is my opinion and if someone else thinks different they have the right to feel and think the way they want too. PS if you want to vent more send me a private message.
Good Luck!

K.

I can understand why this is upsetting and why you feel angry but they are who they are and are clearly quite limited in their desire or ability(emotional) to grandparent in a manner that most people would think would be reasonable. For your own benefit, you may just have to accept them for the limited things they will do and right off the rest. I would agree that if you compare their grandparenting with others it is lacking but they are not obligated to do anymore than they want. I find Dr Laura helpful in her advice when others are not living up to our expectations of them, especially our parents. To continually be angry with someone for doing what they always do is only harmful to you

They told you when you were pregnant that they wouldn't do that and there are alot of daycares that you could also probably use in this situation. My other comment is be glad that your parents are still alive to either accept or refuse the opportunity to take care of or spend time with your kids. Both my father and father in law never knew either of my kids. My mom died and it was 5 years in January and I have a 9 year old and a just 7 year old and I would give anything to have that back. She didn't take care of the kids and she had said Grandchildren don't turn me on but i did bring them over to see her and she did love them. Taking care of your kids is not their job, it is very generous of your father in law and that is his choice but you parents also made theirs. Count your blessings and move on. Sorry to be so blunt but that is how I feel. Blessing to you and your family.

Hi S.---I'm sorry that your parents aren't willing to help you once in awhile. I guess it's mostly sad for them. For your sake, and your son's, I think I would just decide to accept them for what they are. You are only making yourself crazy, and giving them permission to have that power over you.

It may be like ignoring a temper tantrum. Once they no longer get your attention because they won't participate in your son's life, they may start to seek that participation.

I'm sure you should be able to ask the mom of one of your son's friends or a sports teammate to help you temporarily. There will be a time that you will be able to reciprocate, if not to that friend, but to someone else. That's the way friends and neighbors work, to help when there is a need.

Good luck. D.

S.,

i completely understand your situation! my parents also hurt my feelings quite a bit regarding my daughter. we are about 3 hrs away and they have never expressed any interest in visiting us & turn down all invites. they only see my daughter when i bring her to them - this includes birthday parties and all holidays! and when we visit...my dad is grumpy and complaining about fingerprints on his sliding glass door and every little thing!

this causes tensions between my hubby & i (he talks bad about my parents & then i go on defense even though i agree w/ him) and between my in-laws & i (they are very into spending time w/ dd and don't understand my parents either)...

i can't explain their behavior or begin to understand it...it is what it is...but i know they love me & my dd in their own way...i try to just accept it and try to visit every couple months because i think it's important for my dd to know her grandparents!

i've thought about talking to them, but i'm not sure it would help...they are like that to all their grandkids! it's just their style...knowing that doesn't stop the hurt feelings though!! i'm jealous of friends that have grandparents fighting over babysitting the kids!

you are not alone! i like the suggestion of taking the attitude that THEY ARE THE ONES MISSING OUT!! i will try that attitude change too! thanks for the question! A.

I don't think you are overreacting at all. I'd be hurt as well... Do you think it's b/c your parents are upset with a lifestyle or spouse choice? If so, time to get over it. Think if it this way... it's THEIR LOSS. Rather then harboring ticked off feelings, remind yourself that they are missing out on one of natures true gifts. Grandchildren are almost as good as your own children w/o the work! lol. So if they want to miss out on knowing the world thru a childs eyes for a day or two, let them. Your father in law will be loving him up that much more. If he wants that relationship with your son, your son will cherish that more then someone who is forced to. It's too bad your parents don't see this, but when your parents see your son with your father in law and are jealous over their bond, maybe they'll rethink things. If not, then it's their loss and not your hang up. Best of Luck!

Hi S.,

I just read your post and know how you feel. My in-laws are local and have the same view as your parents. They however are not as forward about it as yours. They act as if they are the best grandparents ever but never take my son. My parents are the exact opposite but live in another state.

I'm hurt that my in-laws don't spend more time with my son. I don't need them for babysitting, although there are times when help would be appreciated. I remember spending weekends, going on vacations, etc with my grandparents. Those were great times and great memories were created which I still cherish to this day. That's really what I want for my son, bonding moments with grandparents.

So - with that sad you have every right to be hurt. However... they have every right to decide not to be involved. Trust me, this is hard and I'm working on this part. It really is their loss. Also, do you want your son spending time with people who don't want to spend time with him? My son is only 3 now and finally said enough. If they ask to see him I allow it but know that one of these days my son is going to say no and cry when around them. Right now it doesn't seem to be an issue but I know one day it will be. When that day comes I'm going to be completely honest with them. If he doesn't want to see them I won't make him. They are failing to build a relationship with him now, they can't expect to have one with him 10 years down the road w/o putting in the time.

So - find your own support system. Friends who can help, play-mate parents who can help, father-in-law, etc. That's what I'm trying to do now, buddy up with other parents who can depend on each other since family is not local to help.

Boy your situation is hard since they are your parents. How were they as parents when you were growing up?

Hang in there. :)

I'm wondering if we live near each other - it sounds like we both need more support!

Hi S.,

You've had many,many responses to your inquiry. I haven't read them all so forgive me if I'm repeating anything. First off, you (obviously) are not alone. Years ago right after my divorce my father and I had an argument and he told me "you have too manyproblems for me to allow you to be a part of my life". Needless to say this was devestating. In the following years I realized that my dad was not capeable of handling my children without it causing him excessive stress. Aparently raising me and my sister was enough stress for him and now that he is older he has a heart condition. He is afraid the stress will give him another heart attack. In the meantime, he and my step-mom are loosing out on knowing some great kids. It's their loss. I figure my kids are better off without them if seeing them only causes problems. My kids don't need the sense of not being welcomed and having someone angry with them all the time. I've found a neighbor I can rely on to help me with the kids as needed and I can always turn to my church family, too. If your parents want to close the door let them. Don't beat yourself up over it. You can't control what someone else does. God will open another door for you somewhere. Pray for them and all will work out well.

I hope this helps - S.

I can see this from both sides, your parents want to enjoy retirement and the only way the see doing that is not to get involved with their grandchild.. My mom can be the same way at times and it drives me crazy. I don’t ask for much but when I do it’s a struggle.. I think you should have a heart-to-heart with your parents and let them know how you really feel. Let them know that you would like them to start spending a little time with their grandson. I don't think your expectations are too high at all. I just think you need some family support as we all do from time to time. Is your son the only grandchild?

I wouldn't even bother asking them anymore.
If they WANT to see their grandkids then let them call you.
Honestly - if they aren't "happy" or "excited" about watching them - do you really want your child to be there in an "unwanted" environment? Kids can sense that. You mom told u when u were pregnant to next expect it..so just take her word for it.
Sorry to sound harsh - but i know if my relatives were very "NOT WANTING" to watch my kids - I would rather pay someone then put my kids there with people who it sounds like don't want them around..ya know?

I would never...ever ask my parents or grandparents to be an everyday caregiver for my children. 1, it takes away that special relationship grandparents have with their grandchildren (ie..spoiling them...cant do that when you have to discipline them every day). 2, my parents already raised their children. They spent 25 years raising children. They deserve a break. I will tell my children the same thing (if they would every ask me). YOU are responsible for your children, and copping an attitude because they do not want to be responsible for them daily is very childish. Now...on the other hand...my parents and inlaws would not have a problem with watching my children for a day here or there. However, they do say no when they are busy, and I dont get offended by it. Probably because I dont expect them to drop everything for them. Your asking them to watch him every day for a couple of weeks. It is a lot to ask anyone. So yes, i would say you are over racting.

S.-

I am lucky enough to have great parents, who even though they live 100 miles away will pack up at 10pm to drive down if I call and say one of the kids has a fever and can't go to school the next day. I am truly lucky. I can't completly understand why you are so upset. It seems unreal to you that your parents don't want to spend time with your son...and/or to help you out in a crunch.

I could completly understand if your parents did not want to be full time caregivers...they do have a right to "a life" and to have freedom...they have raised their kids. However, it seems a bit harsh and selfish to me that they wouldn't help you out for a week or so....especially since your son is 8! It's not like watching a toddler or a baby.

I don't have any real advice for you....but hopefully it is comforting enough to have some support.

Perhaps you can have a more positive approach. Not to say that I wouldn't feel the same as you, but to be honest, my mother was not a good mother! If my mother were to say this to me, I would internally thank the Lord for showing to her her shortcomings.

What I'm saying is, I would never ask anyone, relative or not, to watch my child that doesn't want to be there heart and soul. Thank the Lord that your parents have said this. Think of how your son could feel neglected otherwise.

Hardest lesson in the world is to accept people for who they are, and to not try to make them perfect... family most of all.

Technically every grandparent has the right to set boundaries on how much time they watch/spend with their grandchild. However it is strange that they don't have more of an interest in your child and a desire to spend time with them. I would guess that that is the heart of the problem, they just don't WANT to spend time with your son.

Is this a normal behavior from them, say towards you? Time means more then money and actions speak louder then words. Many Grandparents are abused by their children dumping their kids on them all the time and the Grandparent ends up raising the grandchild. But obviously this is not the case, it sounds as though your parents are afraid that if they help a little you'll expect them to do everything... This seems unreasonable behavior unless there is history of that in your family.

I would avoid talking to them about babysitting in the future as their attitude has not changed over the years, but I would express at some point - maybe after you've gotten a chance to cool down - that it is hurtful that they seem to not be interested in hanging out with your child. See if you can get to the bottom of the issue. Do they like to spend time with your child when you are around and uncertain/fearful of being alone with him or they're just into retired life so much they can't stand being around kids...or giving up their golf or social time. It seems like the latter and that they're pretty self absorbed, but let them tell you why.

In the end your son is going to understand which grandparents enjoy being with him and which ones don't and THEY will ultimately loose out on a relationship with him in the future. Little kids are very forgiving, but as they age they see things pretty clearly and he'll gravitate to your inlaws as they seem to be the ones to enjoy being with him. Of my two sets of grandparents it was my mom's parents who I'm closer to, and they lived farther away and we saw them less. BUT my dad's parents just didn't know how to interact with children and though we saw them often we were not close in the same way. I knew they loved me, but it just wasn't as fun to hang out with them.

Best wishes, I know this is painful and won't be a fun conversation, but they need to see the big picture here, weather they ever babysit for you or not, they need to be more active in your child's life.

Hi S.,

Check around and see if there is any co-ops for daycare. In my area,we have 4-C's. It is a 4 county program to help find licensed day care. I understand your pain and you are not overreacting.

C.

First you have every right to feel hurt. Have you expressed your feelings to your parents? Second I wouldn't want my child to be around people who find it an inconvenience to have a child around. Your son probably wouldn't enjoy being with them. Third is it possible for your in-laws to care of your son? Even if they don't live close, maybe you could invite them to stay at your house.

My heart goes out to you.

I wish you well in this situation.

I don't think you're unreasonable, but you are working yourself up into a stressful way. You aren't going to force them to change. So find alternatives. Maybe there's a lady at church who's the grammy type? Maybe a friend?

I say just go with your parents' mind set. If you never call on them or bring their grandchild over and they start to realize it, you can simply say that it was their wishes. They're being selfish. Is this how you grew up too? Grief!
If it's any consolation, my one son lives 10 minutes away. If that. He doesn't call, doesn't email, text, zip. Didn't do a thing on Father's Day or his older brother's birthday....Nothing. So in a way I empathize. But there's just nothing to do except give as good as you get. If that's how they want it, that's what they'll get.

S.; i can understand your frustration and yes iwould be upset too, some parents although did a pretty good job on you , dont want to be grand parents, or they want to be grandparents from afar, like just seeing them on holidays and such, you cant force them to like them, but you can ease them into grandparenting by inviting them over for dinner and remember too, although you may have issues with your parents dont allow your issues to be your childrens issues, when those little ones are around grandma and pa let them love them, no matter your issues, keep them separate and dont let the kids hear your negative talk, its perfectly normal to feel the way you do and who knows maybe they will end up being there for you later, just keep smiling and they did say its ok for an afternoon or two , take advantage of that time, it might grow on them , and it may not, just do what you can do, and they are not as young as they used to be and maybe now while all the kids are grown from your parents house they are enjoying each other in a private way and dont want to mess that up, i know ewww huh , but most couples after the kids are gone go through stages, of living the way they want to for themselves and not others, this too is normal, use them for when you really need it, other wise be happy letting others care for your young ones, and be blessed that they have grandparents, some kids grow up without them, due to life, and or situations, so just be happy and balanced, D. s

Maybe it is the way you ask them that places them in a position to put up a hands-off attitude toward their grandchild. Maybe you can mention that their grandson would like to spend some time with his grandparents for the week and would they be willing to do some things with him between the hours of so and so. You could offer suggestions, miniture golf, swimming, outside games, etc. and offer to pay for any activities that require a fee. Just a thought. Hope you find your child some fun care for this time period. Good luck.
V.

My parents sadly are the same way. They never ask for the kids, and when I do ask them and the kids are there. They don't interact with them anyways. The kids are just there. I just figure it's their loss. Could you possibly hire a college student to help you for the gap of time you need. Lucky for me Iam a stay at home mom and I don't need my parents to babysit but it sure would be nice to have a child free day once this summer.

Hi S.,
I am sorry to read your post. Your parents are truly missing out by not spending more time with their grandson. I find it sad that they have chosen not to be "one of those grandparents that helps out with grandkids." I would feel very much the way you do if I was in your shoes. It sounds as if you aren't asking that much from your parents, and I would think they could help out without it being a burden to them. I could understand a reluctance on their part if you had several younger kids or even one baby, but an 8-year-old should be easy and fun to spend time with. I don't think your expectations are unreasonable. My parents and the parents of many of my friends help out with the grandkids fairly often, and they enjoy doing it. However, it sounds as if your parents warned you beforehand that they weren't planning to be involved much in your son's life. For this reason, I guess as much as it hurts and upsets you, you need to realize that they have made their decision. Again, I think you are fully justified in being disappointed and hurt; your parents and son are missing out on forming a close relationship. I am sorry you are facing this tough situation.
Blessings
Rachael

S.,

I didn't read all your responses, while the attitude your parents are having is hurtful, they may have their reasons and you need to respect that, however much you disagree.

One other thought is that you really don't want to leave your child somewhere he is not wanted, they may end up not treating him the way you would want him to be treated.

S.,
Unfortunately you are not going to be able to change your parents. It is sad that they are taking the position of "life" is getting in the way over spending time with their grandchild. I am in the same boat...my dad has seen my 3 1/2 year old once and has never seen my 1 year old. His excuse is that he is to busy to come spend time with his grandchildren, let alone his own kids. My in-laws on the other hand are wonderful. They are actively involved with my kids and my husband's and my life. They will watch the kids whenever we need them or need a mental/emotional health break. Be thankful for your father-in-law. Maybe he will help you out during that time. I wouldn't even bring it up with your parents again. And I have to let you know that you need to let this go, do not let the frustration or anger fester because you will become miserable (I know this from experience). I hope this helps and I am sorry that you are having to go through this. Blessings! J.

I have a mother in law who is exactly like your parents - while we live far away, she lives a mile from my husband's brother - he asked her ONCE to watch his son when he had an important emergency meeting for literally two hours and she refused because she was "tired". Ummm, yeah. Although there are (and were) additional problems between them, this refusal to help A FAMILY MEMBER during a time in need has driven a wedge far into their relationship to the point where they don't communicate anymore. He views it as a complete rejection of both him and his family - I think it dredged up some old feelings of his about how his mother treated him when he was growing up. Did you have any issues like that with them previously? In any case, this is what I think -- I agree that grandparents are entitled to their own lives and that if they don't want to be burdened constantly with grandkids, that is their choice. HOWEVER - I tend to look at this a little more globally than some who are more forgiving of your parents' refusal to help. You are their daughter, you did not stop being their daughter when you grew up and moved out and had a family - you are still a part of their lives. You are asking for assistance on a temporary basis from two people you obviously like and trust enough - and at some point they may ask for help from you for something else - like, perhaps, when they get so old that neither of them can take care of each other and the "burden" of caring for them or taking care of their business falls on your shoulders. The point is, being in a family is a give and take situation for better and worse - some people like your parents just check out over time and become self-involved. Think into the future - how would they feel if you said to them - "geez, I would love to help you both find a nursing home but it would really be an imposition on me and my time - I have a life, you know". Overall, it is their choice BUT you don't have to like it - I think your feelings are completely justified and not selfish at all. As far as finding a place for your son, check out the YMCA - they may still have some daycamps you could put him in for a week or so - good luck with this, try not to let hard feelings fester because it won't help - accept that they apparently don't want to be bothered, except on their terms - this is not what being "family" is about. As others have said though, it is their loss.

I do understand your anger but this is not a new issue.. your mom told you 8 years ago she would not watch your child.

Nothing has really changed.

Some grandparents will watch the kids full time while mom works, some will only watch them on an occassional day such as a school snow day.. and other grandparent will not watch them at all.. It is like they have the opinion that they raised their kids and they are done...they are off playing golf or whatever..

If it is only a week or so.. maybe he can hang out with one of his friends and you can pay the mom to watch him..

S.-
I kind of browsed through some of the responses, and I know you have so many already, but I just wanted to say a few things.
1. After reading your post, I was totally mortified. I cannont believe they are being like that. My jaw was just hanging. My mom is similar, but with enough begging she eventually caved and would watch my son. Now we live 500 miles away from her and she realized what she took for granted and cannot get back.
I think you should just distance yourself from them. Chances are with the way they are acting, even if they did watch your son it would be a big deal after the fact.
2. As I said I only browsed a few of the responses, but I didn't see anybody talk about the fact that your son is 8. He can pretty much take care of his self i.e. dress, use the bathroom, clean up his mess. So I don't see what the big deal your parents have with watching him. It's not like they would have to change diapers, and feed bottles..etc. al they would have to do is spend time with him and make sure he is safe and feed. I think I would have a talk with them, tell them how you feel and just be done with it. I can only imagine the greif they would give you if your son, accidently broke something at their house. You would never hear the end of it. You probably shouldn't want him around them any way if they are going to be like that.
3. I noticed one response in particular that hurt MY feelings when I read it. She was talking about her parents passing away. What is the difference if they have passed, or just don't come around? I have not seen or spoke to my dad in almost 21 yrs. (long story short: he was young and not ready to be a father when I came around) I see no difference in him being here and being dead. I think you have ever right to be hurt and upset, and I do not think that you should feel grateful that they are here to tell you no. I think that post should have been worded differently to say you should be gratful that you have parents, but have no reason to be gratful that they won't help with your son. I am sorry that this is happening to you. I cannot imagine being like that when I am a grandma...lol. I think you should check into maybe some kind of short term care until school starts, and then maybe see if your sons school has a latchkey program or some after school program he can attened if you are even in this situation again. Sorry I don't have a solution to your problem. I just wanted to give you my opnion. I hope all works out for you, and please tell your parents how you feel. I think it will make you feel better to get it off your chest with them. Good luck and God bless you and your family!!

Hi S.,
While I understand your anger and frusteration having been on your side of things I have to ask.... Do you really want your son with someone who doesnt even want him there? I understand that certain times call for certain measures and Im sure that your parents wouldnt "hurt" him but at the same time children can sense when they are a "burden" you know? What about just asking for financial assistance to pay for daycare? Im not sure if thats the issue for you or not but I just thought that maybe if your parents are unwilling to set aside there"lives" maybe theyd be willing to dish out a little dough to keep from doing so? I really feel for your situation. I have had issues with both my parents (divorced) also. And I know what its like to look around and see all the happy active grandparents who want to spend time with there grandkids and just feel ughhh! My situation is slightly diffrent circumstances but lets just say that my Daughter will be 2 in october and has never spent a night away. Anyways Just wanted you to know that I understand and that I definatly think you have cause to feel the way you d0. unfortunatly it doesnt sound like its going to change so just think about what I said... Good luck to you and If there is anyting I can do/say Id be happy to help! I have an 8 year old son also so I know how it can be ! Good luck!

I think your parents are being unreasonable....It's not like you are asking them to watch him indefinitely...Just for a few days.

Given their attitude I would not rely on them for any sort of childcare. They obviously don't think it's within their capabilities to care for their grandson on occasion.

Perhaps your father in law, or a family friend could fill the gap.

No, you're not overreacting, and you have a right to be hurt. However, he is now 8 years old. You have to accept that they're not going to help you willingly, and move on. I'm sorry for you, it's terrible, but that's the way it is. I recommend that you get other backup childcare in place: Travelers Childcare Services are excellent, www.tcsconsultants.org, Alfreda Bowden. They charge a $300 per year retainer, and specialize in short-term, all of a sudden, non-recurring needs, with less than a day's notice. They also supply long-term child care. If your hours are non-traditional, I highly recommend a live-in nanny or au pair. Let go of the stress!! Get a childcare infrastructure in place, and stop pushing your parents to do something they aren't willing to do! I know what you really want is a relationship between your parents and their grandchildren, and that may come somehow with time, but you can't force it. Good luck!!

H.

I guess I'd be a bit bent outta shape if I got that type of a response from my parents. Luckily my parents were and my dad is still very involved with my kids though since he's almost 80 now, he is unable to keep the 2 youngest kids as often as he did when my eldest son was born 24 years ago. So my 2 youngest sons do get kinda upset at not being able to stay with papa very often. My mom passed away which is why she is not mentioned in present form. I was also a kid when I had my first son which I guess is also why my parents were so involved.

I am wondering if maybe your mom may just not be into kids that much anymore. Kids are sometimes complicated due to the constant attention they require. Maybe your mom is just not physically or mentally up to the challenge. Just a guess though. Have you considered sitting your parents down and having a talk about this? It may work.

Good luck to you,
M. in Camden, MI.

Your parents have a life and you need to respect that. I don't have "helpful" grandparents and you have to get over the fact that some other parents do. Find other options.

While it is completely understandable that this would hurt your feelings, they are honest about their position and not much you can do to change it. Some people feel once their done raising kids they don't want to do it anymore. And while a lot of grandparents are very involved, a lot are not. All you can do is be greatful for what they are willing to offer and leave it at that. I wouldn't cut ties with them, they aren't trying to hurt your son's feelings, they just aren't "kid people" anymore.

hello S.
i understand where you are coming from my inlaw are the sameway with my kids there only blood grandchildren they have only kept my four yr old once over nitein her life and my ten yr old 3 time that it they never call and say how about droping the kids off for a vist but they keep my sister inlaw kids all the time even three day in a row and they are rich to the point they have nanny both my mom and dad have passed on way before i ever had kids so it there only grandparents ..and my youngest ask why they can't stay the nite when there cousion get to all the time it hurts to the point they cry then i end up crying to best of luck

Did you offer to pay them for the childcare? If you did I do not see why they would react that way unless they are the type that say I have already raised my own, and not going to raised anymore. My parents are the total opposite of yours. My mom would keep mine if I let her. My mom is always calling and asking when do I get the boys again question, and sometimes it is right as I am picking them up from her house. Mine just went to my mom's this past Tuesday when I drop them off I get the question how long do I get to have them for. Now my sister on the other hand does nothing with my boys and she lives at my mom house it blows my mind, cause if she had children I would be taking them every now and then and doing stuff with them. This is the second time this summer that both my boys went to stay with my parents for a week and both are retired. While they are there they go places and my dad takes them fishing like he did with me and my sister when we their age. The only bad thing about my parent is that they like to spoil my boys rotten and give them whatever they ask for on birthdays, and Christmas, and sometimes just for no reason at all. This leaves me with trying find something for them on those times cause they already got it all. I know it had to be frustrating, but do you have any close friends that live locally, or other relatives that would not mind watching him until school starts? I hope it all works out well for you in the end.
M.

Since your parents have been up front with you on this issue, their wishes should be respected. Your child is your responsibility and your parents are indeed entitled to their "life," however they wish it to be. While I understand your hurt feelings, relationships cannot be forced. It sounds like they would be there for you if there is no one else available.

Wow S.. I'm so sorry. That's gotta hurt. That doesn't sound natural. I would be tempted to, this sounds immature, but make them jealous. Talk about how great the other grandfather is and tell funny stories about their time together. Make them feel like they are missing out, which THEY ARE! Very casually mention how much you love that he wants to spend time with your son and how great he is. Rave about him and your son and talk about the fun times they have together. If you can, go on a trip up north or somewhere and invite him along. We are going on a trip and have invited both sets of grandparents. Both are coming and looking forward to it. I'm so sorry that your parents are like that. They are really missing out and may not realize it until it's too late.

Oh S.,
I so know what you are going through. Both sets of my kids grandparents are pretty much like this. When I was a child, if I didn't get to spend EVERY weekend with my grandparents (my moms parents), I thought it was the end of the world. Of course I expected my kids to have the same experience. I sure got a rude awakening. My mom is the last person I ask when I get into a bind. Usually she will help me out,but not without a full reason of why no one else can do it. I guess we just have to face that this is the way it is. I hope and pray that I will not be this way with my own grandchildren. It is to the point now that on the rare occasion that my folks wnat to do something with my kids, my kids do not want to go. My husbands parents are a little better (and I do mean little) but they are never home. So I don't really get any support there either.
Your best bet is to find another close family member or a good friend to help you out.

Yes in my opinion you are asking to much. Weather they are you parents or not, the child is your's, they tryed to kindly say, only if completely nessary. I personaly would not beg anyone to watch my child, in doing so, you are putting the child in a bad possition. Find other ways to bond with you parents, than to make a day care out of their relationship with their grandson. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but if it were me, they would soon be asking to spend some time with my child, because I would (never) ask them again, family or not. Grandma of 5 beautiful grandchildren, who I keep all the time, with or without the parents asking, weather they are working, or just going out.

And when I have them, we bake, play games, go to the park, out to eat, constant entertainment, I would not change a thing. You parents are not willing to take the time to spend with your son, he will be board there.

Hi S.,
Unfortunatly, your parents were pretty straight forward about what not to expect from them before your son was even born. I realize that you hoped their attitude might change, but it seems that it hasn't. How sad for them.

On the other hand, this might be the perfect opportunity for your father-in-law to have some real bonding time with your son. If he's retired, perhaps your son could visit for a couple of days?

No personally I don't think your over reacting. I'm pretty much in the same situation. My 9 year old has no where to go because summer camp is over and there are 2 more weeks left before school starts. As far as your parents, I thought no one had that problem in the world but I. My situation is slightly different though. If I want my mother to babysit i'll have to pay her. I guess grand parents don't ask to have that title. We kinda force it on them when we decide to have children. But you would thinl that they would be proud to have such a title. Never the less we will wreck our brains tryn to figure that out. Maybe you should het with a close friend or ask other family members to assist you. Good luck with that because itz a never ending battle...

S., I completely understand. My parents (now 1 parent) lives 1 1/2 hours away and see's less of my children than my in-laws who live in England. My dad only met my 21/2 year old son 1 time that was Mother's Day 2008. June 2008 my dad died. He never got to spend any quality time with him and I feel that my sons were both robbed of that special time they should have had. My mom retired the year my youngest was born. We had hoped she would spend time with us since she is alone in Ohio. Yes, she has come to visit a handful of times but for her to walk my children, is a sheer inconvenience. Its funny, when I was growing up she hated her own mother for doing this to her and she's now doing it to me. We are very close as a mother and daughter (we talk everyday at least 30 min) but I can't seem to get her to realize that she needs to spend time with all of us.

S. you're expectations are perfectly reasonable. Nobody can imagine being the kind of gma who doesn't help out! Gparents are *supposed* to gush about their gkids. Mine can't wait to get their hands on my kids.

I have a friend who is adopting a baby girl. She has two sons of her own but as they get older, she found the desire to adopt a girl. Her mother has already made it perfectly clear that she will not love that girl that same and she will make no efforts to do so. WHO DOES THAT!!!!

Unfortunately, you can't change her. Quit asking and see what happens. Your parents may very well realize that they miss that guy. But if not, at least he has you In Laws. Wonderful family members need not be blood!

As for myself, I would ask point blank..."what's up"? Then listen to her answer. Maybe there is misunderstanding somewhere.