So, last week I set up a playdate for my nearly 4 year old son and one of his classmates. This is their first playdate. The email exchange basicallly said we could do Tuesday. The mom responded Tuesday afternoon would work. I replied "Great! can we do after 2:30 or 3? The baby will nap till about then." This was on Friday.
I never heard back from her.
I didn't see her yesterday at pick up/drop off.
So, today I called to confirm since the weather was cloudy and a little chilly since we were planning on going to a park. Plus, I still didn't know if that time would work. I got her voicemail and left a message trying to confirm.
When my daughter woke up it was already 3:30. I contemplated going to the park, but it was cold outside and I didn't want to get the kids all bundled up, drive there, then not have them be there.
So, we didn't go. Then about 5 I missed a call from her and the message said she was sorry she missed us, but didn't realize I wanted confirmation and just thought they'd meet us there when the baby woke up.
Being flaky is a huge pet peeve of mine, so I HATE when it seems like I am, but I feel like I was quite justified in not going.
What do you think?
Thanks everyone. I feel a lot better. I definitely agree with most of you. It was a miscommunication. The only number I had was her home number, and she was out most of the day.
We spoke at school today and she immediately apologized, and said they don't usually do specific times, but will just spend an afternoon at the park. Also she didn't realize she hadn't responded to my email about the time. So, it was just a mix up. No hard feelings. We'll work out our different styles and get it together for next time. =)
Lack of communication and expectations. You are like me - anal and need confirmation. She doesn't. I wouldn't have gone either.
She MIGHT be a ditz or flake - I don't know - but if you left me a VM saying "hey - I wanted to confirm x y z" and you didn't hear back from me? Not only rude on my part - but really, in my opinion, would silently (more like loudly) tell you I'm not going to be there.
I think you are making too big a deal on who was flakey or not. Both of you had communication problems in regards to confirming and you just need to touch base and say, next time shoot me and email the day before to confirm or let's confirm yes or no the day before via voicemail. It sounds like you guys just don't know each other well enough to know yet. I have a girlfriend that if we plan something and I don't hear a no from her it is automatically a yes so I better be there. That is just her way.
I would have done what you did. You're right, she's flaky. It only takes a few seconds to confirm via phone call, text, email.
Eh, it was flaky of her not to confirm, but I would have made a final attempt to make contact before I just didn't show.
I wouldn't have gone either. I always leave a message calling to confirm and that they NEED to call me back to let me know they got the message and that will work for them or I won't be there. I know how frustrating that can be!
I would not have gone either. I like to touch base with people the day of to make sure we are still on. I would have thought she was blowing me off and didnt really want to go.
I wouldn't have gone. I would hate to show up at a really bad time. Everyone I know...even close friends...always confirm. I wouldn't feel comfortable just going.
Give her one more chance. She is a different personality than you, but that doesn't necessarily make her "bad friend" material. If she does it again, after knowing how you feel about it, then don't try again.
You might end up liking her despite her flakiness.
Dawn
I think communication styles are different here. She thought you had made plans you didn't. Next time clarify.
I would have called at some point during the day and told her that the weather was not going to allow you to attend.
Sounds to me like you did everything you could to ensure the play date was on and she never responded. You both have children & both busy. I think what she did was rude. She didn't respond to your last e-mail. You were unsure of the time frame. You tried calling and even left her a message. I would have thought she was blowing me off.
This, IMO isn't a laid back personality. A laid back personality is more letting you pick day and time and saying, sounds good see you then. I would give it another go but, I would call her this time, no e-mail and set up a day/ time and leave it at that. If it works out it may have just been a crazy few days and things slipped her mind.
I think you were justified in not going since you never received a confirmation. I also see her side that she didn't know. But hey! the good news, going forward you are both on the same page. :)
I have three kids. I would call the other mom not considerate. We are all busy. It takes literally seconds to email someone back. On another note I believe in consistent naps. So I would of done the same thing you did.
No. I would not have taken my daughters out if I did not have confirmation that the other parent was going to be there.
I am not sure if I would want to schedule anything with her again. I know for me, as a dad, it was REALLY hard the first few months of being a SAHD, getting the play dates "thing" down. Some mom's had a hard time having a man there.
IF there is a next time? Clearly state that you are a punctual person and need confirmation about time. "My daughter usually wakes up at 3:30. Would you like to meet us at the park or my house and we can all go together?"
It is quite funny how talented she was in turning the tables.
It just sounds to me like miscommunication and that neither of you guys did anything purposely to be rude to the other. I would do one more round of trying another playdate and if that one doesn't work... well, then it just doesn't work. I think one bad miscommunication doesn't make her a bad person, whom you shall never talk to again... I think one more go around and if she flakes, then you know your answer.
Good luck!
You were right.
I also would see this as a huge red flag and not schedule more playdates.
next time get her cell and maybe text? I would think you were both right in your reactions, but voicemails and emails are harder when you';re going arnd a nap scehdule. I'd tell her next tiem you'll text when the baby is up and then that will get you both there the same time
Rude of her, but I would have gone just in case.
Did you actually say "call me back to confirm..."?
If someone told me "I will meet you at the park after the baby wakes up around 3:00", I would not feel the need to confirm & just meet them there.
Now you know how some people operate so next time let her know that you would like confirmation ......seems that most people are more responsive to texts.
You tried twice to get in touch and she never responded. Then she stood at the park around 3:00 and never thought to respond to your voicemail then? Let's say she's just so much busier than everyone else - she did have time once she got to the park to touch base. Your VM said you wanted to confirm yet she didn't realize you wanted confirmation?... I find it odd. I wouldn't never try again but don't feel badly about today.
I think you were right in this case. It's a major hassle to get everyone bundled up and in the car if you're not sure the other party is going to be there. You could try again and just make sure you touch base. Tell her you'll call her the morning of to confirm.
I can see both sides for sure. I would have been very hesitant, too.
Do you both have cell phones with text messaging? Maybe that is the best way to communicate in the future?
A simple, "Are we still on today for 3:30 at the X park?
If I didn't hear back, then I would call. If I didn't hear back, I probably wouldn't go unless *I* really wanted to go anyway (like to a park). If at said friend's house....nope.
Some people are more casual about meet-ups. Sounds like she is and you are more detail oriented.
Maybe hash it all out RIGHT at the time when you plan it next time. Say "See you at the playground at 3, unless Susie is still napping, then I'll be there after she gets up."
I am punctual to the point of anal. That would have royal ticked me off. Especially the leaving messages part. I hate that. I want to talk to a human being. She blew you off, then saw your missed calls, and turned it around on you. Typical. I dislike not having a solid plan, when it comes to kids, cars, and outdoor activities. I rarely say, oh meet me here if you can. Nah... I have too many schedules to keep.
My husband is a fly by the seat of his pants, fella. He will do that all the time. Make plans and then if he doesn't feel like it, not call or show up. If the people call him, he says things like... oh you never confirmed, or, oh you need 2 invitations to make it here? Like they are privileged to be asked by him or something argh... I never let him make the plans for anything anymore. He dislikes my anal time table issue, but then again we actual get where we are going, and people are not hanging on the other end wondering why we are so flaky.
I think the fact that she responded that Tuesday afternoon would work covered your time frame. I think you were the rude one here not to show up, to be honest. If I were her, I would have been justifiably annoyed. After the nap when you decided not to go I would have spent the minute it takes to send an e-mail or make a phone call letting her know you were canceling and apologizing for the last minute cancellation.
A very similar thing happened to me once. I threw out a suggestion for a play date/meet up, and my friend's response to the suggestion was to show up at the time and place I proposed. Except I hadn't heard back from him, and figured he wasn't interested or available, and put it out of my head. But then when I wasn't where/when he thought I would be, he was mad and his kid was disappointed. Well, it would have been nice for me to get a phone call back saying, "Yes, we'll be there."
So, yes, I think you were right. You tried several times to confirm, and she didn't respond. The only thing I think you might have done in addition was to call her once more, that afternoon, to say "Hey, bummer that we haven't been able to connect but since I haven't heard from you, we're going to stay put. Hopefully we can work something out next time."
You were justified in not going. She should have called you back to confirm. I believe she also realizes that the fault was hers because she did apologize. If you arrange another play date, I bet she'll be more responsive.
