Wedding Gift Etiquette

To my knowledge, a request for money doesn't mean that you can't give something else. After all, it is a gift :-)

I would give what you want, if you're creative and want to give them a special gift that you have made, that's what you should give. The money for their honeymoon should be just a suggestion.

G. T.

K.,
Most people spend between $50 - $100 on a gift. I don't think she would expect more than that in cash. I also think that true friends are understanding when people are honest about their circumstances. I am sure she'd understand that you're on a budget because you have 2 kids and stay at home.

When I was married three years ago, one of our friends put together a honeymoon basket to take with us. Perhaps instead of giving them money toward the honeymoon, you can use your creative abilities to put together a nice honeymoon basket for them. Since we were going somewhere tropical, ours included some beach towels, his/hers flipflops, a little tropical frame, sunscreen, etc. If you know where they are going, you can get creative and find things for great deals without it looking cheap. They'd probably enjoy that as much or more than a cash gift. I have to agree with others in that it's a bit out of etiquette for them to have asked for cash in the first place. It's one thing to mention it to close relatives if they ask, but since they've already sorta gone around etiquette by making that well known, you don't have to be quite as concerned about etiquette on your end if you ask me. I too am a bargain hunter so I can completely feel your pain. I'd definitely suggest the honeymoon basket. It's probably one of the gifts I recall best because it was so original and clearly took a lot of time and creativity!

In my opinion, what they did was tacky. I mean, we all love to receive cash but to ask for it? I was married 13 years ago and I love that so many items I use in my kitchen bring me back to my wedding day, even having a cup of coffee, I always think of the person that gave me the cups, grinding my coffee - the person who gave that to me (yes, I have coffee on my mind right now (-: ) You get the picture. That being said, if we received an invite asking for cash, that is what we'd give. How much depends on how well we know the person, but I can't see giving less than $50.00.

I still think it would be fine for you to make your gift, they have to understand that times are tight right now for everyone. Whatever you do, like someone else said, it is the thought that counts. If everyone else gives them cash and you make them something, my guess is your gift will mean a lot for many many years to come.

Let us know what you end up doing!
M.

To me, asking for money is cheap! A nice card with best wishes and a beautiful frame for a photograph would be lovely. Or perhaps something that would fit their travel destination such as a beach bag and beautiful towels. If you sew, you could make the tote and cover it with transfers of special photographs or something like that. This is a wedding you are witnessing and celebrating - not a contest. No need to break the bank or feel as though you are somehow falling short of proper etiquette. Your friends are not bothering to observe it. (Sorry, don't mean to be rude about your friends.) For proper perspective and a chuckle, check out Miss Manners if you can find her book on Painfully Proper Weddings or online. Hope this is helpful. :)

Hi, my name is E. Adorno. I know all about clipping coupons and useing reward points and looking for sales. If all they want is money for they're wedding then the most I could afford would be $50- $100. A happy medium would be $75.00. If you still feel that that is too much for you still give them the personalized gift even though they would like money. I'm sure they would still appriciate it. I hope this helps.
~E.

The good news is that YOU are the gift giver so YOU get to decide what you want to give. Some friends of our, who were also tight on cash, came to our wedding and gave us $35. I actually cried. It meant more to me than the $200 from my mom's rich friend. If she is a close friend, she probably already knows about your financial situation and she should understand. I like the idea of doing both. To me, homemade gifts are valuable. Maybe a handmade gift and $10-15 bucks.

This is becoming a common trend but I still think asking straight out for money is a bit tacky. One of my dear friends did a honeymoon registry which was basicly asking for money but guests 'purchased' items like dinner for two, a night at their hotel, an activity so it felt like you were giving a gift rather than money. Anyway, I would say since we are talking cold hard cash here, I would not give less than $50. Or come up with one of your creative ideas for a gift and stick $25 in a card too. What every you decide to give as a gift it should be your decision, don't feel pressured to give money. What you decide to give for a gift it is your choice not the couples and they should be pleased no matter what.

K.,
Money is tight...and with your frugal ways and savy, I know you thought about using your "points"/rewards and getting a gift card.
Most of the banks/cards have 25-50-100 cards for American Express, Visa, and even "dine out cards for "fancy" restaurants like "ROY'S".
You might think about getting them a "money gift" that doesn't cost you as much.
I know ALL MY GRADS got a BOOK STORE gift card, but I was able to give them much more than I could have if I just sent them cash!
Just a suggestion!
W.

How about making a very modest donation to a charity they might care about, or having a tree planted in honor of their marriage? You could do a very small amount, and you could create a lovely little certificate to give to couple. Usually the organization sends them a nice announcement (without indicating the amount donated). There are an infinite number of organizations out there who would welcome a donation of any amount, and it's a lovely gesture on your part. Many couples actually will request that in lieu of gifts, friends make donations to particular charities (that don't happen to be THEM!) It's a gift, not a fee! Do what you feel comfortable doing, and have fun at the wedding!

Hi K.,
Some great responces, which I will ditto on many...be creative and put something together which will reflect their honeymoon IF at all possible. If not, they will have to be gracious for your gift. My hopes are, they didn't invite you for the gift you could bring them, but because they wanted to share their special day amongst all their special friends and family.

As a dollar value, I don't think you need to concern yourself with $200 or $100 dollar gifts. Everyone has their own situations, especially today. Give what is comfortable to you and your family.

My gift giving situation, my cousin asked me to be the godmother of her daughter. I threw her a babyshower and got her what I could. I felt the cost of the shower put a bit of a damper on the cost of the gift, but there was nothing I could do. Her friend is married to a doctor, she gave a stroller, with the carseat, and the playpen. She (cuz) is the kind of person who wants to know how much you paid for things and where you got them and I did feel a little of that in the air, but she got over it and we are still cousins in good terms.

Enjoy the wedding.
C.

These days people do what they want and seem to have forgotten etiquette. When I got married (in the dark ages) people still consulted books on wedding etiquette, and yes even the giving of cash was considered crass let alone asking for it. The problem with asking for money is exactly what you mentioned. Your guests are put in the place of embarassment and why on earth would you want to be so rude to the people who care enough about you to give you gifts? From an etiquette stand ponint you are free to give whatever you think is appropriate. Since they will probably not recieve many gifts since they are asking for cash, your creative gift will probably be a stand out and better appriciated, and certainly more remembered.

I know that you should always give a gift. And I agree with the suggestions of the other moms, but if you feel guilty about not giving any cash (which you shouldn't) you could always make one of your creative gifts with a twenty or forty dollar check. that way you are still giving what they requested and also using your creativity.
One gift that I received was a shadow-box frame with little wedding things glued into it and a photo printed out from our website... very simple but something that I will always treasure. Another good gift was $50 to Home Depot to use on our new house... small gifts but well thought out.

Hi K., Honestly asking for money is in very poor taste, A gift is something that is given to you from a person who kept your personality in mind, your hobies, your likes and dislikes, while picking out your gift, The amount depends on your personal budget, but here's what you do, give cash in an envelope, put their names on it, and leave yours off, that way they will not know how much you give, cause you can best believe that because they are asking for money, there will be people trying to out do each other, and miss the meaning of giving. Hope this helps. J.

WOW! I think it is this bride and groom who should be thinking about etiquette, not you! This seems a little crass to specifically ask for money with no other option! (Now, if they said it in a way that allowed the guests to know that they would prefer to have money toward their honeymoon, but would be delighted at any gift, that would be different, in my book.) The dollar amount could have a difference of hundreds of dollars, depending on what's typical in your crowd, what kind of reception they are providing for guests, etc.
Here are a couple of thoughts:
1. If these are close friends, I would just say to them, "gee, we are on a very careful budget at the moment, and so I'm not sure we feel comfortable coming to your wedding, since the amount of money we'd love to be able to give you is really out of our range, right now." See what they say. If they say "don't worry about it, we want you to come", then say something like, "I had an idea for something I wanted to make for you a (fill in the blank - make a beautiful memory book to record their honeymoon, or a pretty box to hold all that money, LOL! or whatever you might have in mind) If they are amenable, something like that might work for you. I'm sure there is SOMETHING that they would be very happy to have, that fits for you. Or, they might say, "we're sorry you can't come, " and then I'd be looking for new friends, LOL!
IDEA #2 - Buy them a bunch of lottery tickets, at least that's a little more exciting than cash money, and who knows, it might pay for their whole honeymoon!

Hi my name is E.,

Well first of all are they close friends? If they are I would say at least $100. You can also take into consideration if it will cost you money to attend the wedding(is it out of town, will you need to rent a hotel for the night, pay a baby sitter, etc..) If it will cost you money and if your friends know that you are on a butget you might get away with $50.

Good luck

Give what you can afford, or just give one of your creative gifts as a gift comes from the heart. Basically, it's the thought that counts the most!

I heard on the radio a few months ago that the average wedding gift cost was almost $100. I think "etiquette" wise, if they are good friends, $100-$200 would be the norm. About $50 for a co-worker. We received almost $20K in monetary gifts at our wedding, and I'd say that was about the norm. But either way, if these are your friends, they will appreciate any gift you give them. A nice, creative, and personal gift is never in bad taste.

It's awkward, but you cannot ask them if they really want you to be there...if they didn't, they wouldn't have invited you. I agree that it's strange that they have REQUESTED cash. I mean, we all wanted cash when we got married for our honeymoon or new house, but getting the china and silver or a fun album was nice too. My suggestion is to buy a gift (or make something if you are crafty and creative) and include some cash with it. Even if it's $25. Remember what we were taught as kids? It's the THOUGHT that counts. And if these people are good friends, they will know that you are trying to be conscience about your spending and wouldn't expect thousands from you anyway.

I also LOVE the idea of the lottery tickets!!!! Very creative and who knows, they may win it and spread the wealth...

Good luck!
N.

You should never feel pressured into giving a cash gift! Give what you can... Using your talents, you can make something for them to take on their trip or something that they can use to help remind them of the memories (like a scrapbook, collage, etc). The cost of the honeymoon is not your responsibility and according to my mom, rather an ill-mannered request.

K.:
We have discussed this- as family - a number of times lately.
Our rule is that asking for money is tacky. Giving money is not if your are really stuck on what to give and delivery is hard.
My husband and I usually give a gift under $200 and not cash.
If I were you (but I am not you) I would give your usual creative gift as you planned to give.
A niece of my husband once asked for cash. We gave a sweet little cutlery set of 64 pieces. It was new, but I found it in a second hand shop. It had been some sort of promotion deal. All the knives, forks and spoon were all still sealed in plastic. I would have loved to have it myself. The couple is now long divorced and we never saw the set, but I still don't regret not giving in to the request for cash.
If you choose to be well mannered you shouldn't feel bad.

B.

Another thought...if you know of others attending consult with them and perhaps all of you could put your money together in one big envelope with a card. This way the bride and groom doesnt know how much anyone of you spent on them. If you are worried about the friends saying how "little" you contribute. Make a box that everyone could donate in secretly. One of my friends got married several years ago and though they would have liked the cash for their house and honeymoon they still accepted gifts. Upon their return from the honeymooon they took all presents back to the stores for cash. I received all cash at my wedding, but only because I married into the Asian culture. They are huge on red envelopes with money inside. And honestly I didnt care how much or little someone gave us. It was the fact that everyone was there to help us celebrate this special day with us. Let us know how it turns out!