Wanting Another Child - Clovis,CA

Has he told you why he has no interest in a 3rd? I know my DH was done after 2. I wouldn't have minded having more, as long as it was an even number! For him though, he is older and really didn't want to be a 50yr old man taking his children to kindergarten.

Perhaps try sitting with him one more time, only this time, don't try to convince him or pose any arguments. Go in with the goal of learning why he's "done" and hopefully try to gain an understanding. Maybe that way, if you understand where he is coming from, it will help you both on whether or not to have a 3rd.

Best of luck!

My coworker had a similar situation when she was in her late 30s. She knew her hubby needed to want the child too. So, they agreed to quit discussing it for a year. She prayed that either her husband's heart would be opened to another child or that her desire for another would be taken away. Within the year, her husband came to her saying he really wanted to have another.

Perhaps give yourselves a cooling off period where you don't discuss it. You still have time; it's doesn't have to be urgent.

When I was 47 and my mother was 70 I asked her when I should expect to stop wanting to have more children. She said, "I'll let you know."

I think that there is always something in us...in those of us who love being mothers in every sense of the word and identity... who always want more.

I have no advice regarding your situation with your husband, but I do know what it's like for your body and soul to want another child. My mother has 7 grandchildren and still wants more kids!

I think you need to talk to him and find out why he doesnt want another.
I know if I was 30 something and already had a 5yr old, I would feel done.
Maybe he's done.
You are 32. In 18 yrs you will be 50. I'm 55 and very glad I dont have an 18 yr old in the house struggling with the "go to college, get a job, etc" stuff.
Maybe you would like that stuff, but maybe your husband is thinking "In 13 years I will be 45 and my now 5 year old will be hopefully leaving the nest."
If you are anything like a lot of us, we get that urge to have another baby in our 30's because we know it's getting close to really decide whether we should or not.... most of the time it's just that last call from mother nature.
Having a baby in the house is a lot of work for both parents, hands on or not, it's an emotional adventure.
If his reasons for not wanting another child are rational, you need to weigh that.
Mine were grown and gone when I was 42. It's been very blissful...and we love our grandchildren very much.

Is your husband stay at home, or the primary caregiver?

My husband would be open to another child (although, he is not yearning,) but I do NOT want one. I stay at home, so he left the decision up to me. While he wouldn't mind another, he respects the fact that I am around my son from the time I wake up, from the time I go to bed. I see my child and care for him over twice the amount of time my husband does. Plus, by the time he gets home...all the caring, cooking, cleaning, disciplining, and tasks are taken care of. It's basically play time with dad. He is a WONDERFUL father, but lets be real. He gets the easy part. He understands this. He knows the stress won't fall on him.

Has your husband told you WHY he doesn't want another child? I have communicated very openly why I don't, and my husband with me. Even if he's not the primary care giver, when one person is dead set against...there is nothing you can do about it...but accept it. He has to have reasons, and you have to be willing to hear them. Perhaps, you should take a break from talking about it a few months and revisit the conversation. If he still doesn't want more, focus on the blessings you DO have...not the ones you don't.

Try looking at it from his point of view. If you are the primary income that means he will be primarily raising this child. You want to hear screaming imagine a world where the men had the babies and we had to raise them. Why would they care how many they had to pop out, they just pop them and you raise them. Lets face it, being pregnant is the easy part of having kids.

I didn't start having kids till I was 31. I have 6 now. So maybe you have some time. Defidently pray on it. There are days when I feel old but we do alright hubby is one yr younger. If your not able to get him to tell you why he may be done might have to bring in 3rd person (pastor, conselor,etc).

Many mamas have already posted some great advice. All I can add to it is to reiterate what some have already said. Let it go for a bit. Be thankful for the children you have. Pray or meditate on letting go.

You mention a couple of things--deciding if you are done. It sounds as if (at least for now) your husband is done. You also mention regret and resentment. Do you want your husband to live with regret or resentment for giving into your wants? While one of the two partners says no, it is no. If you don't accept this, he will be resentful and it may destroy your marriage and family.

Again, focus on your blessings--healthy family, good job, new home, etc. and ask God, the universe your higher power whatever to help you be happy with what you have.

My husband and I didn't start our family until we were both in our late thirties. Once we had a boy and girl, he was done too. I wanted a third. I was resentful for a long time, but now that my kids are 3 and 4 I enjoy the independence they have. I get my fix of babies by volunteering in the children's ministry at church and have even thought about volunteering at a hospital nursery. That really helps me get my fill of baby w/o ALL of the responsibility that goes along with it! LOL
But I hear what you are saying, have a good heart to heart with your husband and let him know you are really struggling getting past this and ask him what his hang up is about having another. Pray on it. God will lead you in the direction you are supposed to take. Good luck!
HTH,
A.

Find out his reasons and talk about it. I had my 2 after 35 so 32 is definitely not too late. But I wish I had had my life in order to start sooner. It is harder to deal with the sleepless nights as you get older. My good friend just had her first at 40 and showed up for a visit yesterday with practically a quart size coffee in hand ;-)

You are B. already, that is GREAT. Did you try imagining if the parts were inverted? If it was you to be done with being pregnant, dealing with nightfeedings, toddler tantrums etc..??? Could you force yourself to have another child just because your husband wanted it? If your marriage is a happy one, your hubby's reasons must be very real and deep, maybe he's imagining his future enjoying his wife (finally) after the children have grown, maybe some travelling around the world...who knows. He could resent YOU if he gives in and gives you another child, then where would your happy family go? Just some questions I would ask myself...hope it helps. PS. Some of us don't even have half of what you already have, i just want to point out that you are truly blessed and it should take some SERIOUS issue to spoil it all. Think about it, good luck!

My husband wanted only 1, and was fine with 1. I started at 30. He was worried as I grew older there would be greater risk of a child born with issues. He is younger than I. So when #2 pop up suddenly and very unexpected. He balked at it at first. When that one came out a girl as well, he was the one that decided 3 was a fine number and actually asked me to have another. I had my 3rd, a boy, when I was 35. I was totally done, I was going to have my tubes tied and everything, but husband is the one that said noooo, just wait. HMMMM does he want a 4? I dont think we can be comfortable where we are if we added a 4th. We are at a place in our life where we are happy, stable, comfortable and not worried about future, a 4th would defiantly put a kink in that, especially if its another girl. I really think he needs to know you need for a 3rd, and you really need to know his honest reason why he doesnt. I have a 5,3, and 1 year old. I am 36 and dont mind it, but I feel that I should have started a little earlier in my life. Though I dont regret it one bit, I just feel too old to be a mom to 3 little ones.

My friend wanted more children and her hubby would not budge, he even went and got a vasectomy to "keep her" from just getting pregnant. She divorced him and found a wonderful man. They have 2 more children. So she now has 2 adult children with their own kids and 2 kids in Elementary school and Jr. High. She is finally happy. She knew she was supposed to have more children.

If you know you want more children then tell hubby you are ready to try for it. If he says no way you have to accept or go ahead without him to complete your family. Don't be abstract, say I want to be pregnant by June.

I hope for everyone's sake you guys are able to work it out and have the family you both want.

I wish you well. I have seen many individuals have 3 children and it seems that the middle child sometimes feels neglected. If you have two healthy children and a great husband I would say enjoy your lives together and make sure you spend time with your husband and make it quality time also. Good men are hard to find. Be thankful and grateful for what you have. I have one son and thought I wanted more and the teenage years made me realise I was grateful for one. I have two little lap dogs that give me unconditional love and they don't talk back. You may substitude for a little animal it may be just the right receipe for love you may be looking for. It is also great to have animals for the children as they learn responsibility and a young age. A hobby may also be in the picture for you. Look at your life and look as others that don't have what you have and you will count your blessings.

Happy Mothers Day.

N. Marie

AH, it REALLY irks me when people say to just be grateful you have x children already, if your husband is done that's it, blah blah blah. Why is that fair? I also HATE when someone assumes you have one of each, so you're done. Not sure I have any advice for you other than to pray that his heart is open to another one, maybe let it rest a *little* but really try to get out of him why he doesn't want another and see if you can come up with "solutions". Your feelings & wanting another one are just as valid as him not wanting one, and should hold as much weight. As you said, resentment & regret could likely happen, and just fester for years. Your husband is ok with that?

Dr. Phil had a great show on this once, and the way he explained made so much sense (the wife really really wanted another, the husband really did not). I forget everything, it was awhile ago, but basically he talked about them negotiating things & her desire to have another was much stronger than his desire not to have one, so the hubby needed to decide if he could do this for his wife & they could negotiate the things he was most worried about. Like he would get mornings to work out or friday nights with his friends, little to no diaper duty, etc. I can't explain it right, but it made so much sense. Not ideal scenario for everyone maybe, but to me it validated what I believe (why does the guy get to decide when they're done?) The wife was more than willing to do all of those things, put in more of the work, etc. Good luck!! I really hope he comes around!