When things start to go wrong with my 3-year-old, or things don't go according to the way he planned it out or wanted it, he'll often ask me to go "back to the beginning" (as he perceives it). An example is if I start up the stairs without him, he'll ask me to come back down to where he is standing, hold his hand, and go back up together. If I comply, all is well. If I refuse, he gets hysterically upset. Another example: he'll ask me to repeat what I said right before we started to argue about something. If I can't remember what I said, he keeps insisting over and over, even if I'm trying to go along with him, until a sobbing tantrum results. Sometimes I comply, if the request is not a big deal and he asks nicely, but sometimes I refuse if the request is completely inconvenient to me. A friend recently told me this is a common developmental stage. I've been looking online, but can't find anything about it. Has anyone else experienced this? If so, how long did it last? Did you find any ways to head it off? Do you think it's good to cheerfully comply and avoid the spiraling argument and conflict, or would this behavior cease if I consistently refuse to let him control things like this? This behavior is driving me crazy. Thoughts?
Thanks everyone for your comments! You really helped me recast this issue in my mind so I'm not as worried about it. I've backed off insisting on most instances, and he is less upset when asking for things now, so the situation doesn't automatically turn into a tantrum. Thanks!!!
It seemed to be a phase we went through for about 6 months. With most things, it wasn't a battle to fight. Repeating what I said though was tough especially if I forgot what it was. It was good for him to go through.
My dd(4) is the SAME way. I treat her as an adult and have never "dumbed" anything down for her. She does the same sort of thing on the stairs, etc. I meet her half way...she can come up a few steps and I can go down. These situations are somewhat a control issue, but show you respect his need. And he still wants your help!! As far as words go, just try to explain things very clearly. He is VERY smart!! And question him....what don't you understand? what's the problem, etc.
I dunno if your boy does this but sometimes my dd will not use her words and whine or grunt and it is so annoying. She communicates as well as an 8 year old!! Getting her to "use her words" when she is upset is our frustration!
I think your little boy has amazing conflict resolution skills. He is able to pinpoint and articulate the moment that he perceives has begun to distress him and tries to find a resolution. Most adults can't even do this! I would not see it as him controlling, but rather as him trying to keep the peace/order in his own world. Yes, I do think it is worth it to cheerfully comply:)
I do think it's a phase, and my 2.5 year old does the same. There's a button in our van that she likes to press to close the sliding door (as well as the ones at stores that make the door open). If someone else pushes it, she completely loses it unless we "start over" and let her push it. The same thing happens on our stairs too. Like you, I've wondered if we keep letting her have her way to keep the peace, or if we should try to get her to deal with it when things don't go her way... you've asked a great question! Hopefully they outgrow it (I don't remember my oldest being this way).
My 3,5 y/o is like that sometimes and on top of that he is very analitical like he wants to know what exactly happened wrong and how to get it right. He has rituals for folding his blanky and putting his toy friends in sertain places.
I am scared sometimes that I am a mother of a genius (especially comparing him to his "normal" older brother).
At this age kids love rules and if you break them - they get upset. I try to copmly whenever I can, If I absolutely cannot - I try to use humor, distraction, promises, whatever to avoid him getting upset. Usualy it works.
Congrats, you have a very bright son!
I would read the books by Nelson" your Three year old". They are great.
I would humor him for the most part, unless its unreasonable. When a child or adult has tantrums they are putting out major chemicals that are pretty negative on the nervous system. Having hm be a happy guy will keep his system on a steady calm mode. ( just like you learn to be right handed your can have your nervous system b e on high mode). those people never relax as adults. Good luck.
My 3 yo is doing exactly the same thing. If I put my coat on first, we need to "start all over", she wants me to take mine off so she can go first, then I can proceed...same if I start up the stairs.
I talked it over with some friends and her daycare provider and started trying to anticipate all the situations where she may want to exert control (the stairs, potty or teeth first, getting dressed, etc) and ask her/give her choices about how we were going to proceed.
Honestly, it made me crazy to be constantly asking her questions...but what I found is that she got a little tired of it too. Soon, because she knew she had some control over what was happening, she didn't need to control every little thing. I started to hear, "you can go first mommy" or "you do it mommy" whereas before it would have been the end of the world if I went first without asking.
So, it appears to be working, at least the last few weeks. Hope that helps!
I think it's the age. My darling little niece (who will be 4 at the end of Jan), will turn to one person in a room full of people and say "hey, guess what? My teacher's name is Eddie. We were wearing matching jackets today - it was so funny!" Then turn to the next person, who has obviously heard everything, and say "hey, guess what? My teacher is Eddie and we were matching to day!" Then she'll turn to the next person, who has now heard this information at least twice, and say "Hey! You know what? My teacher, Eddie, and I were wearing matching jackets today!". Then turn to the next perso....you get the idea. The idea that people can hear her EVEN when she's not DIRECTLY talking to them is just unthinkable to her. When we try to tell her that we've all heard her the first three times, she STILL will insist on have in that one-on-one conversation. It's annoying to us all, but that's what they do at that age. And they're so darn cute, so we all let it slide for now. I think your son will grow out of the behavior eventually, and until then, go with it - at least you KNOW why he's having meltdowns and you can easily stop them in their tracks. He'll get better and better at doing what needs to be done in the first place so he can avoid his "do-overs". It's a super cute, but super annoying age, isn't it?
I don't know what to say to help you, I just had to answer that this little one is a very very very smart little guy. I think it is amazing at 3 he is so paticular to the needs he has and so clear with it. AMAZING to me.
MIne would do that with certain things too. She would have me reread stories or just pages of stories but after a couple times she could spit back the whole book verbatim, Go Dog Go, A Fly Went By. Same with songs. She was 2.5 to 3.5 ish at the time.
She would have me repeat things over and over. She was learning. It is very funny to hear a toddler ask you to repeat yourself while you are at home alone with her and then go to her Daddy at night and use the same argument with him to get something.
Your son is using his brain. He's a smart little cookie.
I'm a grandmother and saw this with my kids & grandchildren. It's a control issue and is normal for this age. I was surprised to see so many answers that said to allow and help him exert control over you. Learning to control things (clothes, toys, etc.) is good, but learning to control Mom & Dad is not good - it leads to future defiance when Mom & Dad make decisions that the child does not like. Mom & Dad's decisions are not negotiable. If you're out in public and your child wants a chocolate ice cream cone (but also likes vanilla) and the place doesn't have chocolate, it is normal at this age, but not acceptable, to get upset if Mom or Dad doesn't provide me with the chocolate ice cream I want. The same applies at meals. If the child normally eats things like mac n cheese, spaghetti, pizza, etc., and you prepared spaghetti tht night, and the child throws a tantrum because he wanted mac n cheese, that's not acceptable - and you should not then go fix him mac n cheese! He will quickly learn to control you and you'll have a very defiant child for a very long time. If you have an appointment to go to, are running late, and carrying a basket full of laundry upstairs and the little guy wants you to stop, come back down, and take him up with you, you need to train him to understand that, "Mommy will be back down in just a second after I set this basket of clothes in your bedroom". If he screams and throws a tantrum because you didn't do what he asked, you need to ignore him. When you return you can say, "See, Mommy said she would be right back down". This trains the child to know that you keep your word, and that Mommy can't (and shouldn't) always do everything you ask her to. You are teaching them to trust and obey you without allowing them to have authority over everything you do.
I believe it's his age and a phase in his communication development. I'd try to head him off by "second guessing" before you even get to that point if you can, but other than that I'd play his "game" for awhile. I think its good that he is smart enough to want to "start over", it's a concept in learning that a lot of 3 yr olds arent capable of actually. Sounds like you have a smarty pants on your hands..... be prepared for the challenge ;)
it is a phase, he is getting bigger and wanting more control over his own world....it is not always expressed in the "start over" way, but the tantrums if it is not done his way is the key identifier!
Try the book "Love and Logic magic for Ealry Childhood", http://www.amazon.com/Love-Logic-Magic-Early-Childhood/dp...,
It will give you lots of strategies to deal with the tantrums, and things to do throughout your everyday life to help prevent them from happening in the first place. One thing is to give him LOTS of choices, so he will feel some modicum of control over his own day - BUT make all the options things that will not inconvienience you or anyone else, no matter which option he chooses - "son, do you wantot wear this red shirt or the green one? Do you want to put on your socks or undies first?, do you want this cereal or that one for breakfast?" Then when there is somthing you are not willing to give him a choice on, like bedtime, tell him, "Rememeber how many choices you have made today, now it is Mommy's turn to make one choice."
There are lots of other things, but that is the one that really sticks out in my mind.
Jessie
