Are Tantrums Normal for 4-Year-old?

Ignoring tantrums in a 2-year-old can be very effective. Tantrums in a 4-year-old rarely go away by ignoring them. He'll just keep it up or get worse unless you put a stop to it.

A 4-year-old is old enough to understand that this behavior is not right. Continue to refuse to give in to his demands, but start using firmer discipline. Use a very firm voice (elevated, if necessary, but don't yell) and tell him that his behavior is unacceptable. Use time-outs if he doesn't respond within 30 seconds. Repeat as necessary, making the time-outs longer until he "gets it."

Good luck.

My daughter went through that last year. Her first day of pre-school I went and talkked to her teacher about all the new little attitudes I was seeing. She said they all go through it from around just before 4 to about 5/6 depending on the child and how quickly you respond to their negative behaviors. We had several things we put (back)into action. First for a temper tantrum she got sent to her room and was told her attitude was unacceptable and that she could come out when she had a new attitude. We also had a time out box for toys. If first time obediance did not happen when they were told to do something then we had them get a toy and put it in the time out box. They are smart about this. They would bring me things I knew they hadn't played with in a long time. So we would send them back to get something that they played with that day or a specific toy we knew was on their top list. If I told them to clean up and they didn't then all those toys went in time out, the first time. If they didn't clean up the second time after that then all those toys went out in the trash. As far as food went if they got picky then that meal became breakfast lunch or dinner until it was gone. I know foods my kids definately don't like and I don't force those on my kids. My younger two had very tender gag reflexes and so I understand on what they don't like. However if its because they just want to be picky then its breakfast lunch or dinner til gone. On the other hand on this I have issued a kids night were they pick what we have for dinner. Its tough these years but research shows that you need to win this final battle of the young years with tough love because it sets the pace for how they will listen and respect you for the rest of their lives. My daughter went through it quickly and now I have two more that will go through some form of it. MY now 4 yr old already is, and is quickly learning its not going to be put up with. Good luck. Such little people growing up so fast. Wanting new responsibilities and beginning to see things from new perspectives. Wanting to be like mommy or daddy but not understanding how much farther they have to go. Its got to be a frustrating confusing age for them, so try to stay controlled, firm but in talks afterwards have plenty of compassion for that little person.

Hi P.,

I would have to say that yep, unfortunately they are a normal thing at this age. My DD, turned 4 in March who never went through a terrible two phase now pitches a fit over any little thing, same as your DS right around dinner, very picky eater as well. We don't give in, we ignore or if she gets too out of hand a simple threat of time out will usually chill her out.

Our DS, now 13 was the same way at 4 from what we remember. although he had all the terrible two's, trying three's, and then moved into the moody four's. My sister, who has 8 kids will tell you as well that at 4 kids will throw fits and test you. They are at a strange age, they want to grow up and they want to be your baby at the same time. They are conflicted and get mad and any little thing can set them off, ergo "moody".

We are really working with a DD on her fits because she is starting Kindergarten this month and we've told her that her teacher won't put up with tantrums and all this nonsense or she'll go see the princepal and that is not a good thing.

The good news is that it does go away by the time they're 5. Our daughter is going to Kindergarten early because she passed all the test and is bored at home and I've gone through every workbook with her sold in the stores so hopefully school will have a positive affect on her. Our DS outgrew them by the time he entered Kindergarten at 5.

Hang in there, it will get better. Just see it from his perspective and you'll have a better understanding of why he flies off the handle so often.

Hey P.,
My son is five and still has tantrums. The thing with the pre-school years are they are still looking for area's where they can have control (for example eating) and when they feel the power not their power any more, they tend to try to grasp at straws for the power back. Sometimes, in my son's case ignoring the tantrum worked, but we ALWAYS have to follow it up once he is finished with a discussion about his behavior. We ask why he was upset, whether or not that kind of behavior is appropriate, what we can do next time to avoid the tantrum. Kids even at four want to feel like they have some say over the issues. This usually works followed up with some tips like letting him choose the menu for the day, allowing the four year old to help in the preperation of the food, sticker charts (however, never reward with food), etc.. I am not quite sure when the tantrums stop, but at five, they have really lessened for my son.

I have the same problem with my daughter, she turned 4 in may. She usaully has her tantrums while we are in public, it is awfull, people always stare and I feel like a terrible mother!

in my experience with my daughter the same thing was happening. We ignored them, but grandma and grandpa didn't behind our backs. We ended up either having to send her over there knowing that would happen, restrict the visits, or supervise the visits. The tantrums not over food were solved by a time out.....simply you have a time out, you go in the corner and stay there till three minutes after the tantrum is over. If the tantrums continue over dinner then she didn't get dinner that evening. One skipped meal won't harm a child. And trust me, those tantrums will not last long. You need to put your foot down with your parents. Your son is testing your limit and will continue to do so as long as grandma and grandpa give in. If you want to make the tantrums stop, restrict or supervise the visits till they decide that they will do what you ask. Going against what you have asked of them is disrespectful, and wrong.

Our pediatrician told us that the fours are WORSE than the terrible twos. At four they have the desire to be in control of their environment and circumstances, but usually lack the tools or skills needed. Then they get frustrated and can have tantrums. Our doctor suggested for us to let my son make his own choices as much as possible. He helped choose the dinner vegetable, for example. It helped some. We also had to do sticker charts for good behavior during problem times. (For us it was bedtime)

My son is five now and the tantrums are very rare. Now he only looses it when he is tired and irritable. I think he gets that from me. ;)

Tantrums are normal at any age....they just change in the way they are presented, vary in severity, and may even be different based on the sex of the child. I know because I have two children that are grown (21 dd) and almost grown (17 ds) and two little ones (dd), ages 7 and 3.

There is nothing you can do to prevent them...the key is that you are consistent in the consequences and do not give in no matter what. Once you give in, they know how to push your buttons and then your life will be more difficult.

My 3 yo is going through a tantrum stage right now. This is how I handle it...
First, I find out why she is upset. I suggest alternative ways to handle those feelings. For example, if it is over something she wants right that instant, I tell her when she can have it. If she continues to cry, then she is told that she will have to go to her room. The longer she cries, the longer she will have to stay. I will often get out the timer, turn it on and say, for every minute that you are crying, more minutes get added to your time out. The usual rule is one minute per age that they are; however, she has been in time out for ten minutes because the timer does not start until she quits crying. Her tantrums are very short right now and soon she probably won't have any. Until she begins another stage of it to test me again. Consistancy is best. It is so hard but no one said being a parent was going to be easy.

I hope that this helps!
S.