Wanting a Happy Home

That is quite a seriouse issue, and this is a website that has sound advice and good answers. Please take a look.

http://www.watchtower.org/library/g/1999/4/22/box_04.htm

Hope that helps!

Hello S.,
I am one of 5 children born into a family that has parents that have now been married for 36 years. They have never even thought of splitting up. They are still totally in love, and will tell you that they are happier now than they were when they first married and that their relationship gets better with each year.
Growing up around that has made me take relationships and commitment very seriously and I have, in my past relationships, tried my best to work it out and make every effort to bend where bending is needed!
Perhaps your attitudes about relationships and commitment are tainted by your childhood experience of watching your parents split up. TONS of studies have been done on children who are the product of a broken home, and sadly most of them are doomed to repeat the same mistakes their parents made because they don't take the initiative to identify that problem and overcome it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that this situation is not your fault! BUT, it IS up to you to make it better! Just because your husband is having an off day and snaps at you doesn't give you the right to call it quits! You made a commitment to him... remember those vows you took? So unless your husband has broken his vow, and has taken another... you need to reconcile your differences and make it work!
And YES, your child is going to have no sense of stability in her life while you two are throwing her back and forth.
6 months is a long time, have you tried councelling during this separation?
I hope this doesn't come off as too harsh, I write this with a great deal of sincerity and hope that my experience and knowledge can benifit your situation, and I wish you all the best!
-Kelly

Well, I have not read everyones responses so i may repeat advice you have already heard. You sound like me a year ago. My son was 2 and we split. He is our world and it was painful for us to not be with him when he was with the other parent. We had a crazy but consistent schedule that had him going between the two of us equally. Although it was consistent to him it probably felt like he was all over the place. Children need consistency, routine, preidictability, etc. For a while he seemed well adjusted then we started to see little changes that we didnt like. We knew he needed everything to be more stable and that the schedule is what worked best for us because we wanted to see him so much. His dad realized the importance and gave up some of his time so he had more time at home with mom and had his "daddy days" that were always the same. It killed me that our family couldnt work. So many times I thought "just one more try" and now, a year later, im glad we didnt. Going back and giving him that family unit again, then separating again would have been horrible. I think its much more important for a child to grow up with two parents that love him and are happy, then living in a house with parents that argue. One day, far from now, I will marry and I want to show him what a healthy realtionship and happy marriage is. His dad is an amazing father but we don't work well. Everyone has their own views, this is just how i see it. If your scared to go back dont jump the gun. if she has adjusted and is doing okay make certain that if you get back together its forever. My parents split when i was 8 and i think thats the hardest part for me. I wanted him to have the family unit that I never had. I know the struggles you go through and making sure its the right thing for you and your child. Stay strong and listen to that "mommy voice" because its usually right. If you want to talk you can send a PM. Good luck girl.

Dear S.:
Being together is not always the best and happiest, including the child's perspective. However, if you just have issues fighting but are still attracted to each other and consider going back, perhaps you should get counsel, identify what makes you tick, find out how to avoid pushing each other's buttons and work a bit on your relationship. Over time it should come more natural - or crash in a major disaster. You can always still break up, but you cannot always catch the momentum of trying again.

However, someone else rightfully said that there WAS a reason for the breakup in the first place. You will need to find a solution to that issue and completely remove it, not just cover it up or tiptoe. Once the sore spots are identified and resolved, you may be happy ever after. Or not. But definitely worth the 'risk'. No time for butterflies though, you need a thorough analysis from both sides before you move on.

Regards,
W.

Hi S.,
Kids are pretty resilient especially at a young age. Children can also sense when there is unhappiness or anger between people. Your daughter can be secure and stable with her parents separated. If you and your husband still love eachother and you both want to bring your family back together then I would suggest seeking some type of counseling to help mend the issues that were there before the separation. If you can mend these things then your daughter will have a more stable and secure environment with BOTH her parents, otherwise being together just to be together may be more detrimental to her if the relationship is not a healthy one. My husband and I are still married but our marriage has not been a good one since my son was 1, he is now 7....I have had to work overtime to try to insure that he feels stable and secure in the environment we had in the home...I just recently moved to San Antonio from Corpus and my husband stayed in Corpus...although my husband has never thought there was anything wrong in our marriage and does not see this as a separation, it is. This is also a way for my son to start adjusting to the idea of his parents being apart and the "visiting" part. If you need someone to chat with, you can e-mail me at ____@____.com I'm not sure if this helped any, but I wish you all the best.
M.

Sounds to me like you're in love with the fantasy of the happy family and the wonderful husband. Not the reality of what your husband is really like. I think that as long as the two of you get along well and are good co-parents, co-allies, and put the child first, you will do fine being separated. Your daughter will be okay going back and forth for now. As long as you don't stoop to the level of using her as a pawn to get your husband back or he do that for you. If your child's needs are being met, it's better for her to be FROM a broken home than in one. If you're certain you guys will fight all the time and he will be an a-hole, that creates a hostile environment and is not good for your daughter. If you both want to be back together, then I suggest getting counseling first. If nothing has been done since the separation, other than the passage of time, you're going to find yourself in the exact same situation. The past is a great predictor of future behavior. Don't take him back simply because you feel guilt for your daughter. Make this a positive situation for her and you can forget the guilt and move on with your life!

I am having a similar situation with my home, my other half and I had our share of problems, and when we are under the same roof its ok for a little while, then it goes down hill, in my opinion I would keep things the way that they are if your angel is adjusted, and seems to be happy then maybe you and your hubby can get some counseling before trying to live under the same roof again. because what didn't work before, still may not work again. My son whom is 16 months old displays alot of anger when his father gets angry with me, and yells, and then baby boy sees his daddy yelling and acting like an ape, so he does it too. so it makes it very hard.

Sometimes when the fighting stops (because you separated) you start to remember the good times and forget that there was a reason you separated in the first place. Until that reason is resolved I don’t think getting back together is going to do anything but start the whole process over. You definitely don’t want to put your daughter in the middle of that. The back and forth (of the relationship) would definitely have negative effects on her. I know plenty of people who grew up with separated/divorced parents and they turned out just fine. In fact, they preferred that to having grown up in a broken home. Maybe you just need time. I hope it all works out for you. God Bless!

HI S.,

My son is 12. His father and I separated when I was pregnant. I can tell you that at first, it was the hardest thing in the world to see my child bounce from house to house. But, at 12 years old, he will tell you that he loves it. He knows that he can go to his dad's at anytime and stay at my house at anytime. His father, His "other mom", myself and my husband are all involved in raising him. We decided when Tyler was 6 months old that it was not worth him seeing us fight and argue. We have one rule and that is not to do it in front of him no matter how mad we are. It took quite awhile for this to work but once it did, I noticed a huge difference in my relationship with his father, I was able to be his friend and raise our child together. I guess what I'm trying to say that I do understand how hard it is but I also understand how easy it is to raise your child with your ex-husband and others involved... Good Luck to you!

Well, the truth is...if you feel like you can work on and fix your relationship with your husband - it's one thing. If you just want to move in together not to traumatize your daughter - it's a bad mistake. Kids feel you acting fake and her watching you fight each other every day is not going to help her grow to be a strong, confident lady...may be it's better to live apart and be good parents vs. sharing one roof and wasting your time on bickering?

S.,
I've not been in your shoes. My daughter and I are on our own. So, I haven't had that part of the package.
I believe that would be a tough one for anyone. I've always been for weighing out the pro's and con's...actually listing them out on paper. That can also help in seeing the reasons for making the decision to separate in the first place.
You mentioned fighting, with that included you should think of your happiness and safety. If you guys are getting along better separated, your daughter may not feel as much tension as well.
You guys may adjust her days of alternation as she gets older and begins school.
I hope that helps some. My daughter is the same age and I wanted to try to send some support your way.
Believe in yourself. Best wishes!
J.

Dear S.,

In my experience two year olds handle changes in living arrangements much better than older children becaues their self awareness hasnt really kicked in. When this does occour they become aware of themselves and their surroundings. Right now your daughter can go along but as she gets older she will wonder why her family does things differently.

My advice is to seek conseling with your husband and identify the issues, tiggers and aspects of your relationship that caused the breakup. Then work to solve the important issues in a manor that each person can live with and abide by. This is very hard and requires alot of behavioral changes, but it is also a give/get recipricality. Ex. you change a negitive attitude regarding something important to him, then he can be more positive about somthing important to you and vice versa.

I hope that you feel the relationship is worth salvaging for your sake, your husbands and your daughters. My thoughts are with you and your family.

K.

Not that I know what your lives are like, but have you talked about counseling? I have found more often than not that when one spouse is being an a-hole, so is the other one. I think that the old saying "kill em' with kindness" works wonders in a relationship. If you two still care about each other at all then it is worth trying to make it work! You seem to understand what it's like growing up in a broken home. I did as well, and because of that I would do anything to ensure that my daughter grows up in a home with both of her parents and not let our petty differences get in the way. We have fought before, sure, but all both of you need to do is let go of your pride and say you're sorry, sometimes even when it's not your fault. You have to be extra sensitive to your spouse's feelings and he should be the same to you. If you don't learn how to respect each other than neither of you will be able to teach your daughter respect and it will begin to manifest itself in a couple of years. Both of you should sit down together and evaluate what is most important to you, or else you're both in for a much rougher ride than you could have imagined. Go to counseling. If you still love each other, which it sounds like you do, then it's worth it. Good luck!

I have been married for over 10 years and I have seen my marriage go through some great times and some rough patches. But a marriage is a commitment and I don't believe in bailing out as soon as it gets hard. Its going to be hard. Both spouses have to give it 100% and work at it all the time. There were times when my husband wasn't able to give it 100%, which meant I had to carry his load as well - and vice versa. I would advise you to seek counseling also, but I would also advise you to talk to someone you know who's been married a long time and how they managed the "rough patches." I hope that you try everything you can to make this the marriage you want. What does giving up teach your daughter about commitment?

I think that you should make him a roommate so that he can come and go but still have one house for your daughter to sleep in. If you have a garage and there is an apartment, you could use that so that the both of you are not in the same house and fighting, but he's close enough to check on his kid.

I feel so sorry for my daughter at times, that i almost forgett myself. I think we worry to much. It could be fun for your child to live in two different households. She will get used to it. And she is blessed with 2 caring parents, you know that is not always the case.
One thing i would change , is to make the times in one household longer, not mooving every week, cause once she starts Pre-kay or school, it could become pretty hektik.
A.

Well, I won't say that you should or should not get back together. Only the two of you can decide which is best. It is worth trying harder since there is a child involved. But if all you manage to do is fight and make each other miserable, then your child doesn't need to see that either.

I am a firm believer in trying every option before giving up. My husband and I were very close to divorce but decided to give it "one last effort". We went to marriage counselling to learn how to get along with each other. We are now celebrating our 8th anniversary this Tuesday and have been very happy since learning how to talk to each other. Perhaps start there. Then if it still doesn't work out, you can at least tell your daughter that you tried your best to make it work - all for her.

Good luck to you and I hope you find the situation that works best for you and your family!!!!

AS hard as it is for you. Your daughter has the best of both worlds, without watching u and the a-hole having it out with each other. I have an aunt and uncle who live next door with each other for 10+ years now and there children are 16-14 and appear to be quite happy, know that they are loved. We all want the picket fence, God knows I do.

Hi S.,

Well it sounds to me like you guys are done with the seperation thing. And it says that you're "probably" both scared. Just because you're seperated doesn't mean you guys can't talk!!! You guys seem like you're acting like you're already divorced!! That's crazy. In my opinion you guys should move back in with eachother. You guys are sill emotional. Good or bad feelings, you shouldn't keep your daughter apart from either of you. You guys can seperate and continue the process into divorce if you guys still have problems. I suggest to talk for a good hour every night before bed, you could even include your daughter. Talk about your days, and just get connected again. If it doesn't work out.... I'm sorry.

CJR

I think if your daughter has already kind of adjusted then there is no need to change things. If you start to change things on her then you would only confuse her.. I divorced from my husband when my 12 years old son was born. You never stay in a loveless marriage because of the kids. You only make them more confused; they need a norm and if that norm is that you no longer live with their husband then at least they wont be hearing you fight all the time.
Dont ever confuse loneliness with love..