Visitation

Hi Shelly,
I don't know your situation or the circumstances of your divorce, but I can tell you what works for us. My ex and I separated when our son was 3. While we decided that we were not happy being married to each other and just plain old did not agree on many things, one of the things we do agree on is how much we both love our son. We made a promise...actually it was a written agreement that a counselor helped us to write about our commitment to treating each other fairly and with compassion in the best interest of our son.

We have 50-50 custody. I have him on Mon and Thursday and every other weekend. We live about 15 mins apart so this works pretty well for us. Our son has adjusted pretty well too.

As far as letting him have overnights with his dad. I guess it depends on the whole situation with his "friend." My ex and I agreed that we did not want a string of boyfriends or girlfriends to our child as it can be confusing for them. If we were in a long term relationship we would both agree it was time to introduce that person or the relationship to our son. In my ex's case our son already knew his fathers girlfriend from church, they just needed to explain that daddy and his girlfriend were now a couple and what that means. So back to your husband, I would think it was ok as long as he was not sleeping in the same room as the friend. Of course I don't know all the details. As long as your decision has nothing to do with payback or punishment of your husband, I think you will make the right decision.

My ex and I promised that we would never do anything to interfere with our sons relationship with either of us. This means we will not move more than 1 hour away from each other. That we respect each other as parents and each others rights. We do not talk bad about each other and never fight or "discuss" each other in front of our son. We try when ever possible to provide a united front.

I hope this helps and best of luck to you and your son.

Shelley,
I hope you are doing alright hanging in there!! My dear, I separated from my two older children's father just over 9 years ago and he has yet to have a place of his own. So, I don't know if you can hold out for that. I had to deal with him taking them and staying with this girlfriend and that girlfriend, unfortunately we could not agree on anything, so like he would promise not to bring different women into our children's lives. But all my children took from it was that they were with their dad. They didn't really care where they slept, they just wanted to see him. I had the uncomfortable, I don't want them staying there moments, but I knew their father would never put them in harms way, and just went with that. What I could do was make sure that I provided them a stable, healthy home and put no one before them. The funny thing is when our daughter was 9 she was on the phone with him and actually said dad, aren't you going to marry XXX.. you can't just keep having all these different girlfriends. LOL. That is because she had a parent who explained (not talking bad about her dad, but) that you have to commit and be honest in relationships.

As for the visitation, whatever can remain consistent. If their father can agree on every other weekend and then once or twice a week, go for it. Just stress that once you set it up, that is what it will be. Your son just needs to have that consistency and honestly it won't make as big of a deal as to how many days and what days... just that he sees his dad when he is suppose to and on a regular basis.

If you do ever need to get together to chat girl, e-mail me!!
Take care!
J.

I can see your concerns and maybe a tad bit of jealousy of your son spending the night at his fathers but I honestly don't think you have the right to say no to visits because it's not his home. Your son doesn't need his own room and bed to sleep over at dad's house especially since were talking they're both male.

When my duaghter was 3 she saw her daddy every other weekend and sometimes more than that. Worked just fine. She had her own room at her daddy's and was terrified to sleep in her room over there. So she preferred the couch in the living room instead.

Hi Shelley...

First off, I know how it feels to have a new 'friend' around your child. It doesn't feel too good on more than one level. BUT... when we divorce, we are letting go of some rights. If this friend and/or environment is not obviously harmful to your son and your sons dad is not serial bed hopping, I don't think there's much you can do without his being on board with it. Does that make sense? If you feel that strongly, offer to let him stay at your place during visitation and you stay with friends or family? I get along fabulously with my ex, at the expense of knowing what my boundaries are and where his begin. And THAT is the best thing we have done for our kids. We respect one another's boundaries, try to maintain consistencies in routines and rules, and let the other parent choose their own direction in parenting. It's resulted in our three kids being very well adjusted, almost straight A honor roll, good friends, open relationships. It is very hard to not be able to micromanage our ex spouses lifestyle choices as we see them do things we do not agree with.

As far as visitation, what we started out with was 50/50, a week at a time. That was too hard on our middle, so we adjusted it so that the longest he'd go without seeing the other of us was three days. Eventually, I got them full time, but they see their dad every other weekend, long holidays, and about half of the summer. They KNOW if they want extra time with either parent, we'll suck it up and give it to them. So far, no manipulation of that. But we followed the kids' rythyms.

It's very nice to hear that you are looking for the child's best interest by trying to work things out in an adult manner. I can tell you from being on both ends of similar situations that it's hard.

If your son's dad is a responsible father there shouldn't be a problem on where they stay. Don't keep your boy from his father because of that. Without knowing the financial situation of your son's father, it may just be a temporary situation for him until he can rebuild his "home". When I first met my husband, he could only afford a 1 bedroom apartment and his son didn't have his own room as that's what he could afford. As long as he is with his father and spending good time together, you should look at it from that point of view. Now if he is in default in child support or other support for your son, then there are grounds to keep this from happening but truth is you can't control what happens outside your home.

My daughter see's her father everyother weekend and on Wednesday nights. Everyother holiday she is with him also (she is 10yrs old)..

As far has your son spending over nights with his father, I too would not feel comfortable with your son sleeping in the same room as his father and "friend". However, if it was only your son and husband in the room sleeping and it was temporary I would be ok with it. Your son may only be 3yrs old now, but will soon know what it going on and would probably want his own bed. If your son has to share a bed with dad, he may begin wanting to share a bed with mom when at home.

As far as Lawyer fees, you probably need to pay your own as would he, unless you have an agreement.

This is just my opinion.... Good Luck!

Dear Shelly,
As long as you trust that dad is responsible and commited to the care of your child, I dont think that you should try and dictate where dad decides to spend his time with his son. Take comfort in knowing that dad wouldnt place the child at harm, no matter where dad decides to lay his hat. You stated it well when you said "I want him to...". You have to learn to be patient and understand that dad has his own "I want's". You wouldnt want your ex dictating to you what he expects during your son's time with you. :) Best of luck!
C. M.