Need Help with My Son

I wish I could give you advice, but can't:
my daughter (4yrs) runs upstairs and hides under her bed when her dad comes to pick her up (and he's her biological dad). We live in the same town, so when we are in his neighborhood, she asks if we're going to dad's and starts telling me she doesn't want to go to daddy's house (carrying on).

Just letting you know you're not alone. Sorry I couldn't say anything else to help you. Good luck with whatever happens. This is one of the many difficulties of parenthood... I hate to see the tears.

))hugs((
~SR

I agree with the posters to some extent saying your son at three isn't capable of making decisions like this. However I also feel as the adults it is up to you and your ex to make the transitions as comfortable as possible for both of your children. It sounds like your ex isn't willing to help with this and it also sounds like your son is possibly being bullied or treated poorly when he is with your ex. I would explain calmly to your ex that you would like your son to have as many people who love him in his life as possible, but full weekends or overnights may not be possible now. If your ex is truly concerned for your child's well being he will work with you to insure no more trauma occurs to a child who has already been through a great deal in his short life.

As for your ex filing paternity papers - if it comes down to him doing that to avoid child support payments, let him try. The courts frown on men who have been in a child's life since birth wanting out after a divorce. Especially when they legally took responsibility either through adoption or a recognition of parentage. It might do your ex good to have a judge tell him children are not like pets - to be "rehomed" whenever they become inconvenient or you move to a new house.

And I say this gently T., it would do you and your family a great deal of good to see a counselor. Children do adapt remarkably well to any number of situations but two husbands in three years is a lot for two little kids to handle. In addition to all their other losses, which I'm sure include an address change, a different man in their mother's bed, visitation every other weekend with a whole other family, children and set of rules - they will also soon need to contend with another child in the house taking your attention away.

Kids need stability, a routine and firm, kind, loving, present adults in their life. Their needs should always take priority over other relationships - including men you date/and or marry. I'm not saying you aren't entitled to happiness but it shouldn't come at the cost of their security and well being.

Your son doesn't like your ex, and I wouldn't push it. He is not his biological father and should't need to spend time with him. That is extremely confusing for him! He has a biological father but doesn't see him, he has a step dad that he doesn't want to see and there may be good reasons he doesn't want to see him, and now he has a new step father whom he adores. I would just cut off the strings with the ex husband/non biological dad and let the little guy bond with his new step dad and new life

At the age of 3 your son only knows what will get him what he wants, by throwing temper tantrums you are teaching your son that he can get what he wants by do it and then you are enabling him to use this against him. It sounds like there has been alot of change in his life recently and he is only comfortable when he is surrounded by you. You are the parent and if your ex is a good man, continue to insist that he goes with his father to maintain a good relationship. This too will pass and he will feel more comfortable as time goes on. This will also happen when you get a babysitter when you decide you need sometime to yourselves. New experiences are good for children, please do not let them rule the roost, set boundries etc. Please do not let this go to the court system where then bad feelings are created, reassure your son that everything will be okay. You might even start by asking your ex if he can shorten the amount of time spent togther and make it a good experience. Start slow but please do not enable your son to start making decisions at this age that he really doesn't understand you will only be making his life harder. The same thing, crying..tantrums.. will also start when he has life changing events such going to school for the first time, or a new babysitter etc. They do grow out of it. I have seen children have fits when their mom or dads walk out the door and then in a few minutes they are fine. Just reassure him and then hold back your own tears. It really will be okay. If your current husband want to adopt you will need the permission of your ex to do this and if he is already saying that he will go to court you will have other issues to stress yourself out over not just a little one who is having a tantrum.

My first instinct is to agree with Cindy and Beth, but it is difficult because we don't know the whole story.

I think the most important thing is that your ex has demonstrated that he loves your son as much as if he were a biological parent, and wants to have a relationship with him. I think that kids can't have too many people loving them.

I think that what your ex is doing with the choice he's given you makes sense, if I understand correctly what you've written. Your ex is saying that if the boy doesn't want a relationship with him, and you support your son in that (he's 3- not old enough to make that decision!) then your ex wants to establish with the court the fact that he is not the bio dad. This makes absolute sense because it releases him from obligations that he really shouldn't have, particularly if he's not allowed to have a relationship with the boy. I think it's good and remarkably honorable that your ex is willing to accept parental responsibility provided that he can have a parental relationship, and perfectly appropriate that he should challenge the legal relationship if the parental relationship is denied.

To the commenter who suggested you should get the ex out of your life and focus on the relationship with the new husband: I can't be certain, but from what you've written it appears that your ex is your daughter's dad. That means you can't get him out of your lives. I think it would be best to support his relationship with both your children. I'll say it again: kids can't have too many people loving them. At the same time, you ought to consider having a discussion with both your kids about the many different types of families, and about how there are "biological relationships" and adoptive relationships, defined by love. If your son continues to have a relationship with your ex, it's probably in everyone's best interest to be honest early on about the biological relationships. (Make sure you discuss this with your ex.)

Good luck!

PS, to the commenters who are saying you should listen to the 3 yr old because 3 yr olds are smart or some such rubbish... that's rubbish. 3 yr olds will have tantrums about anything. We all know that 3 yr olds will often have a tantrum because they want something that's not good for them. You need to decide what's best for your son, don't let him decide at that age!

I think your ex is right...he doesn't have a choice. He is 3. You make the decisions. If you want your son to have a relationship with your ex then make him go. If you want to cut off the relationship entirely then allow your child to stay home. Again, he is 3. He doesn't understand what is happening. It is up to you to figure out. If your ex is taking your daughter, your son could become jealous in a few years when he is no longer welcome because you didn't stand up and make him go when he was young.

Ok, I definilty would not discount your sons behavoir. For good or bad he is having a reaction to this situation. Whether he is feeling homesick not beign with you or if he is just not connecting with this guy. I would not push the issue. If he really wants to spend some time with the boy then meet him at the park or mcdonals so the boy can get comfortable with the this dad. But i'd really double checkthe situation. You have no idea how this guy you divorced is acting toward this boy when you are not there.

At 3, he doesn't understand what is going on. The adults need to make the decision here. AND STICK TO IT~! Becauase he is the biological father of your daughter and the father on the birth certificate for your son, I would just send him out the door with a hug and kiss and put on a brave face. He is more than likely picking up on your indecision and is confused by what is happening.

IF what you decide is for your new husband to adopt him, then go for it. Explain to your son who is dad is and make the adoption final so he has a forever daddy. Kids need stability!

My daughter would bawl her eyes out at age3 and refuse to go with her dad. We would have to sit on her to get her buckled in her seat. It was so bad her dad couldn't handle it and he disapeared and wouldn't have anything to do with her again til she was 7. Now at age8 she loves to go with her daddy and was very hurt and messed up from being abandoned and missing so much time with her dad.

At 3 they aren't old enough to make that choice, make him go!

It sounds like there is a lot going on here...biological father, father, and now a new step father...and he is only 3. Your son might be confused and concerned about stability and where he fits in. I think counseling would be very helpful for all of you...maybe even just talking to a priest. You said their father hasn't been very involved but is making up time now. It sounds like your son doesn't know this guy very well and every other weekend is a long time for a 3 year old. Your son thinks of him as a stranger, not a dad. I agree with some of the other posts about not letting a 3 year old decide matters such as this, but imagine yourself in his shoes. This is a tough situation. Good luck with everything!

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He has a lot going on and his 3 yr old mind is trying to sort it all out. Being that he's so young he's unable to process everything. Biological dad is completely out of the picture due to abusing his children, step dad is your ex-husband, and now there is a new father figure along with a new baby. He is looking for stability and it's your job to find that for him and help him during this time. I would not force him to go. Create a predictable environment for him where he knows what's going to happen. Let things calm down so he knows who's who in his life. He's probably confused as to who his dad is. It doesn't seem like he sees your ex as his dad but rather your new husband. At any rate, he's confused - point blank. Create a world for him where there is more of a pattern and allow him to establish a main relationship with one father figure.