My husband and I are 37 and have a 6 year old daughter whom we adore. He really, really only wants one child. I would like to have another baby, but realize that our family feels perfect right now. (I would want to stay home again, we aren't in the right financial shape to do it; I enjoy our daughters independence and mine right now...) Basically, he feels stongly about it and I guess I don't.
So, we met with the doctor and scheduled the surgery. I feel emotional about it...
I firmly believe that he is the one to take drastic measures because if I found myself widowed or divorced, I might like another baby. He doesn't, no matter what - therefore, he's the logical one to have surgery. I also think it will be easier for me if there is no possible way for another pregnanc than what I feel now - which is "I know we probably aren't going to have more babies". I could shift my mind away from that "we might". And sort of move on to the phase of we have an only child and this is our life.
Do I sound nuts? I feel so odd about it. I am tired of the semi-limbo feeling and want to poop or get off the pot, I guess.
Anyway, if any of you are in the same boat, or have been, it would be nice to hear your thoughts. Thanks, K.
Thank you to the women who caught my drift! I know this is the best thing to do, but still feel emotional about it. I do not like chemicals in my body for the purpose of BC, so it's either this or condoms and like I mentioned, I don't want to be in limbo somewhere deep in my mind anymore. I haven't taken anything for about 10 years and prefer it this way. One lady mentioned it brings a different element to their relationship not to have to worry about anything - I look forward to that as well.
I have been with this man for 21 years of my 37 years, so there is nothing temporary about our love for each other, if I made it sound like there was, I apologize. My thought was more that if something happened to him, my life would change and I might have another baby. If something happened to me, his life would change and he doesn't want more babies. We love our daughter to pieces and are a happy little family. I'd love another baby, and when I search my soual about it it, I realize I want another baby in a perfect world... A world where I stayed home, the baby was a perfect sleeper, eater, etc. :) So my wanting another baby is not this huge strong desire - if that makes sense.
I have had concerns about our daughter being an only child, but she is not like a typical only. We have very close neighbors all around us and their kids. We have cousins her age, close, and she adores them. We worked with a baby group for the first 5 years of her life. She loves to play with other kids, socialize, share her toys, etc. She is the most selfless child I have ever been around.
Again, I know this is what is best for all of us, I just feel emotional about it too. I have a feeling I will have my moments where I am mad at him and the majority of moments where I know this is best. (BTW, in life, that's normal, isn't it??) Thank you!
You can always adopt. It is a wonderful way to create or expand your family. Adoption has been the best thing that ever happened to me. I could not have produced a more perfect child than the one we adopted.
I would make him go ahead with the surgery that way like you said if you get divorced or widowed you know you could have more babies. I made my husband have the surgery it's easier for the men to do it than us woman and even though I knew we were done having kids it still gets emotional for me at times like when one of our friends have a new baby or we pass another birthday for my own two kids I get sad. Good Luck!
I feel like this could be my post in in 5 years! My husband is pretty adament about only having 1 child and I definately would like at least one more. I have told him that I will keep my IUD in until our 1 year old is potty trained and then it is coming out and if he still feels firmly at that time that he only wants Jack then he will have to get snipped.
I know that if he gets snipped, I will be uber-emotional about it. I am hoping that I can deal with all the issues as they arise.
I have no words of advice, but just wanted to let you know that I know exactly where you are coming from!
Hi K.,
I personally think your feelings are very natural for most women.
I do have 2 children, so I know it's like comparing apples and oranges, but my husband had his vasectomy when our now 14 year old was 2. I remember thinking too that God forbid, what if something happened to one of the kids. . . what would we do? But our decision was based more on the fact that I had complications with both pregnancies/deliveries and mis-carried between the two. So my husband didn't want to risk losing me or a baby with another pregnancy.
But getting back to your feelings, I do think it's something we go through as moms/women. The end of our identity? Womanhood? I'm not sure what the exact feeling is but it is different for us. With today's technology I did try to talk my husband into one more just within the last 5-6 years, I'm 47 now. I won't tell you what he said but it contained several adjectives before the NO! Then I remembered the teething, ear infections, sleepless nights etc and realized it would be so hard to start over at this point.
Another thing, for us anyway, was how wonderful it was not to have to worry about birth control! I'm at a different place in my life right now and personally would have to think long and hard about any kind of chemical birth control and we all know condoms are not the most effective.
And in all honesty, is is a MUCH simpler procedure for a man than a woman even though they whine about it more! :) As long as he follows doctors orders he'll be fine. We sent the kids (then 2 and 6) to grandmas for the weekend, rented movies and replaced the ice packs every few hours and he will tell you it wasn't that big of deal.
I feel like I'm rambling, sorry. I don't know if that helped or just muddied the issue for you. I say, again, your feelings are normal. But instead of thinking of all the "what if's" think about what a blessing you have in your family the way it is.
In good health,
Lori K
www.YourKitchenCoach.net
Why doesn't he want another child? As mother Theresa used to say, "saying there are too many children, is like saying there are too many flowers" I say go with your heart. You are his wife and what you feel should be important to him. This is a MAJOR issue. If he is thinking only of what HE wants, he is not being fair. Do not rob your daughter of a sibling. There is no greater gift to a family than another child. It's easy to fall into "feeling content" and busy your lives with other things, but how much more joy you would have!! I had 3 boys starting at 40. It is easy to laugh. I thought it was nuts at the time, but it has absolutely been the best thing that ever happened to ALL of us!! My sons LOVE having each other to play with. I watch them and think, how sad it would have been to not have each other. Your feelings are normal, and don't feel shy about it. This is your life and YOUR family here. Cancel it!! You deserve to enjoy your motherhood again as many times as marriage brings. That is what marriage is about - love and making family. The finances will take care of themselves. Finances are always tough and that will never change. I will pray for you and your husband. This may bring you much closer, lets hope it does. It may take a couple fights to get there, but it is important he understands you and allows you to be who you are.
Research NFP...it is totally natural and 99% if you do it right, you will get to really know your body, and your sex will be sooooo much better without the supression of your sex drive from BCPs. It brings you closer as a couple too.
K.,
Remember you both have to sign paperwork stating that you agree to his surgery. So, make sure you have made peace with it prior to signing or you may end up resenting it like others stated they have. My husband had one when our 2nd child was 1, after a miscarriage and us trying for years to have the two beautiful children we have. I'm an older mom (was 31 and 35 when I finally got my two) so it was easier for me. Pray about it and I wish you happiness and peace and lots of love with your daughter.
don't do anything hastily. My hubby agreed to have the vas because I said I had been through enough..c-section, v-bac, miscarriage, childbirth, stretch marks.etc. He was willing, but after our perfect family of 2 children (1 boy 1 girl), we were in our 30's and the dr thought we might be too young to make a decision. My hubby made 2 appt's and backed out both times. I didn't get upset. I honestly thought we were done, but when youngest turned 5, I got the itch, and now we have another girl. Then he had it done. I must admit though, that now she's 8, and I really wish we could have a son. I always wanted 4, 2 each, so I'm kinda regretting it, but I know if I continue to feel this urge, I can adopt. All I'm saying is for you to communicate, respect each other, and don't do it impulsively..do it with a lot of prayer and talking and thought. When are we ever really ready to have children, if we wait for it, the earth would be half empty. God bless you on your decision, families are blessings, no matter how many children.
You are right HE is the one who doesn't want more kids He has to be the one to have the surgery. I can tell you, you aren't nuts. My husband just had a VAS and I felt the same way. He asked me if I would recent him and I told flat out Yes but I will get over it. It's been about 6 month and I am starting to get over it. But that doesn't mean I don't get sad when I think about not having anymore babies. It does make intmatcy alot simplier. I'm not sure if this helped I just wanted you to know you are not alone.
Your request and your follow up demonstrate you have a good, sound head on your shoulders. For us, it was easy to decide he'd have the procedure because it is so simple for men compared to women. (Our family doc is an old friend of the family, so I actually was there during the procedure -- trust me, it was a piece of cake...especially compared to pregnancy and delivery!) Congrats on your wonderful family and continued blessings to you in the future!
we had 2 children, miscarried the 3rd, and was pregnant with our last one when hubby had his surgery. I was a little worried because I still wanted another one if this one didn't work out and even though I was further along and all was going well I still had that worry in the back of my mind that we may not have this baby and then wouldn't be able to have anymore. Well God blessed us with a healthy baby boy and he is such a joy. He acts so much like his Dad and enjoys doing everything with dad and became his little shadow. He enjoys spending time with him and looks forward to his days off to take him fishing. Our kids are now 16, 14, and 9. The teenagers grew up with him in the military so they didn't bond as close with him being infantry and gone a lot but the youngest has had more daddy time and has a strong bond. Even though hubby only wanted 2 kids he sure wouldn't trade our 3 kids for the world and is glad we had another one.
I think you will be disappointed the rest of your life if you feel strongly about having another one and he doesn't. This is a decision that both of you need to make and something you don't want to rush into. How does your 6 year old feel about wanting a sibling? I knew I would never have just 1 because I watched my dad and father-in-law that were only children. They didn't know how to relate to crowds of people very well and my dad was pretty selfish and only thought of himself and didn't know how to handle life with 3 kids very well. My FIL wasn't as selfish but still didn't know how to be very socialable with people and pretty much stayed to himself.
This is a serious decision and could be stressful to your marriage so you want to make sure you are ok with it.
I do know what you mean. We have only one child and I have always wanted one more. My husband could honestly take it or leave it. BUT he had to also basically raise his brother and sister growing up because of his parents. So he's already raised three kids. I would love another one too, but have finally wrapped my head around the idea that it's not going to happen and i'm ok with it. I just decided to "go with the flow". After 2-3 years of trying to get pregnant, nothing ever did happen. Not sure what's up with that, but i figured it's not meant to be then. I know how your feeling. Not sure if this helps you or not, but I do know where your coming from. Good luck with your decision.
I have strong feelings about not getting my tubes tied or anything else that is premenant for myself. A friend of mine talks to me all the time, like she works for plan parenthood or something, and it drives me crazy! I can't explain my feelings or put them in words,I just know I have them. My husband doesn't want to have it done either, so that's it. He is my second marriage and I have 2 small children with him ages 3 & 9 months. My first husband and I had 1 daughter age 18 years. At about the time she was 4 I was pregant with another baby (husband #1's)and I miscarriaged. She did not want any siblings (like a 4 year-old really know what they want??) Anyway, as fate with have it I did not have anymore children with him and we divorced. When she was about 10 she came up to me crying and said "How could you do this to me?? I don't have any brothers or sisters, who am I suppose to talk to when you are gone!!" That hit me hard, and to think that she was so right, as we are not close to his parents or family and my tend to be off and on. (My parents don't want to be grandparents they call it babysitting and that if I want one that I should hire one.) While I always did intend to have more children, it never happen. At that point I wasn't even married, however open to dating. So, that went on the top of my list of qualifications for mister right. Must want more children. (I had to revise it to say 'must want more children in weddlock!' You would not believe the dating pool sometimes!) Now they are 15 years apart, and that is something that I can't help but, I hope that they will be close and not alone. My sister is 10 years older than me with no sibling in between and she hated me until she needed me, that was when she was about 30 years old. Now we talk everyday.
I guess you really can't keep him from going, but you can encourage him to put it off for a little while in hopes that you can get use to the idea. Your child is 6 why did this come up now?
My only concern for you would be resentment. If your husband has this surgery and you are still really desiring a child, you may resent him later for taking that opportunity away from you. I think you should BOTH be 100% sure before you take such a drastic step. I would really pray about it, because I can see down the road a lot of anger/resentment if you are not okay with him doing this... and what a strain on a marriage that can be. Good luck!!
K., two things. First, you could wait and use other forms of birth control until you are both on the same page. Second, I'm in a discussion (argument) with my husband now about this very thing. I'm expecting our second child in November and it will have to be C-section. The dr. already asked if I want to have my tubes tied then. It just feels so final to me. We don't really want more kids, but I don't feel ready to give up that possibility yet. (What if something happens when this baby is born? What if we change our minds and decide we want one more? Etc.) I keep telling my husband if he really feels strongly about it, he should have the vasectomy - it's outpatient, it's much easier to reverse, etc. Plus I'm the one who's had to go through two C-sections. :) But he's so against it he can't even talk about it. Basically, I say all this to tell you that I don't think you are nuts. And it may help to talk it over with your husband or a close friend and really hash it all out so you can discern how you really feel about it. Good luck!!
The vasectomy and tubes tied things is such a hard thing to decide. We had my husbands vasectomy scheduled and cancelled it. Ended up having baby number 4. Since I had c-sections with all of mine (except for baby number 1 who died in birth), we decided I be the one to get my tubes tied. Do I regret it? Everyday!
This is a decision yall really need to think about. REALLY HARD THINKING is required!!
I do not think it is crazy for him to get a vasectomy, though. You are right about him not wanting anymore, so he should be the one to be sterile. Because, God forbid, he die or you divorce, you would want to be sterile. If it was the other way around, God forbid something happened to you, he doesn't want anymore anyway.
Stephanie
For the sake of your marriage, you should accept that your husband does not want any more children. Since it is wrong to bring children into the world without the benefit of both parents (and agreement of both parents), there is no reason for him not to have a vasectomy. It is also very reasonable that you would feel emotional about it. However, that doesn't really have any bearing on your actions since you know the right thing to do, logically. And I hate to hear you speak about your marriage and family as though they are only temporary. For your daughter's sake, please take your marriage vows seriously and stick with your husband so she can have an intact family. Your desire for more children (or any other desire) should not deprive her of her family.
K., My husband and I have been thinking about doing something permanent as far as birth control. I too hated the feeling that there was no going back once it was done, but neither of us really want more children (we have 2 girls). So I talked to my OB/GYN and he told me that both of us need to be 100% sure before we do anything that can't be undone. Try talking to your doctor about doing something a little more fool proof for the next few years. That way you still have the choice. Talk about with your hubby and doctors a little more and don't do anything unless you are both sure. Good luck!
