Using "No" with a Wobbler

I think saying "No" is perfectly acceptable. Then it is crystal clear to them what you expect. If you feel like its too harsh, then follow the "no" with an example of what to do or an alternative. Like No, lets do ____ instead. It softens it a bit and helps him understand what is acceptable behavior since he is pushing boundaries! Don't worry!

I had a hard time with the not using NO thing, so I used NOT SAFE when it was a major issues, and no, please don't for minor issues (like pulling my hair or trying to sit on the dog). When he would explore things I didn't want, I would say "not safe" firmly and remove him from the situation and put him some place I would rather he be.

Good luck, and great question!

I am a firm believer in NO. My children need to know when mommy says something you stop dead in your tracks, turn around and move away Some examples:

NO! That's HOT!

No! Don't run in the street!

NO! You may no get a tattoo as long as you live under MY roof!

I'm starting them young, and believe that boundaries and safeguards are better things to teach a child than self-esteem. Someone else is gonna use NO even if you don't.

Hi there,
I just wanted to let you know that your posting struck my in the heart. I think you sound like a delightful, compassionate, and loving mom and that your son is very blessed to have someone so invested in making sure that you are aware of his needs and development. Way to go Mom!

Boy, did I feel like that's the only word I ever said for 2 years. People told me it's because I had a boy. I did put my son in the crib for serious offenses which would cause him to scream like crazy. I didn't follow the one minute rule, I took him out as soon as he calmed down, however long that would be. I tried to redirect alot but with a curious little boy that works about 1% of the time because of course what you try to get him to do isn't half as interesting as the dishwasher. Try to save no for the serious or immediate stuff and try "Unacceptable" which is what my mother did who is also a teacher. The big word commanded more attention and my son is 4 and still takes it very seriously. We also did toys in time out when he couldn't behave with them (sticking them in vents or pulling books off his shelves) we would give them back with a lot of fuss when he was a good boy. He'll grow out of it but it is frustrating.

Sounds like you've got a pretty good thing going. I've had 3 little boys. The oldest is almost 5, and my young on is 1 1/2. I've used basically the same strategy for all three.

Saying things like, "No, DANGER!" When they did something dangerous. "No, OUCHIE!" When they pull hair or hit. And with the dog, it's "No, be gentle!" Or "No, be nice!" They get the meanings of these phrases. Especially if they've almost fallen trying to climb on something and you've told them "danger", they get it that "danger" means they can get hurt. Or if they've fallen, or gotten a finger smashed in a cabinet and you associate it with "ouchie" they get that "ouchie" hurts. You don't have to be wordy to get your meaning across. I've found short phrases don't make me feel like a parrot all day long, too. LOL

Watch out for those heating vents, too. My youngest still does that and while it's mostly annoying, one time my older son didn't notice the misplaced vent and stepped into the hole. Turned into a "Danger!"

Make sure when you notice him doing things the right way, you mention it. When I catch the baby being nice to the puppy, that's when I let the words flow. "VERY nice, baby! You're so nice to the puppy! He LOVES that! You're a very nice baby!"

Both my older boys are great helpers and quite kind. They found they like the wordy praise more than the short reprimands.

You don't have to use the word 'no' to mean 'no'. Touching something 'icky' like a trash can, cat food, litter box, their own nose, etc results in a loud "Ick". They get the picture.

When they pull hair, hit, bite, etc you can say 'oww' in the same manner as 'no'. Of even 'hey!'

I save 'no' for when I really, really man it like running through parked cars in a parking lot, getting near the curb on a busy street, etc. Then when 'no' comes out its stops them in their tracks.

For getting into things, I use "not a toy" a lot too :-) Glad I'm not the only one!

When they get older when you get a question along the lines of, " can I...." the naswer is: "yes, just as soon as we do XYZ", rather than no. It's not that I'm against the word 'no' it just gets overused and starts to lose it's punch. Then kids start to badger since all they hear is 'no'.

HTH!

It is obvious how much you love your little guy!! I see nothing wrong with using the word "NO", it's simple and to the point and as he grows and understands more, you can explain more. Kids need boundaries and consistency and I'd rather my kids hear and know what "NO" means from me before they start to hear it from everyone else! Redirection is great at this age, so he can start to see and know what he can play with - things that are safe for him. You're doing great!!

Our favorite was/is "that not for your hands" using the childs name. At 10 months we would also remove the child from the "no-no". It was very effective, and we never had a toddler saying no around the house.

Children will let you do what ever it is that you allow them to do!!
So you are right that he probably does not understand that pulling your hair hurts .... Till you pull his and show him.. What is his response?? Owwie then when he does it to you you can say what he says and that is more of what he can understand.. And that is going too far in my personal opinion. So if you dont want him in the dishwasher ... Have a basket or cabinet that he can play in. For instance ..the bottom drawer in our kitchen is full of toys. But you could let him play with the pots and pans instead. Untill he can really understand all the vocabulary it is pointless. Use distractions.

I think you're doing great. I don't think there's any problem with using the word no. The problem is if you say no to everything.

I have a fear that my toddler's only childhood memories of me will be me not letting her do things and constantly telling her no. I let her do lots of stuff, but I just let her at it. I don't say "Yes, honey, you can do that" to her all day long. She only hears "No". Oh well.

I think "no" is appropriate when things are absolutely non-negotiable. If they are going to damage something, hurt themselves or someone else, or get in a dangerous situation. 10 months is too young for them to understand why something is dangerous, so just say no, and remove them from the situation. Distractions are the way to go at this point.

I also let my daughter mess things up, even though I don't like it, if it really is no big deal. I just think it's important that you have the child help you clean it up later. I don't constantly walk behind my daughter cleaning up her messes, so my house usually doesn't look great. However, before naptime and before bedtime part of our routine is to pick up the books and toys off her floor. That way she sees me cleaning and helps me on a daily basis.

As for explaining things, kids understand more than we think they do. If you can keep the explanation short (just a few words) then I think you should keep it up.

It sounds to me like you're a great mom. Good luck.

I think it's fine to say "no." Just say it firmly but gently without yelling or letting anger into your voice and it will be fine. I think it's ok to let things go, like when he pulls things off of the shelves. I don't think you're inconsistent, you just have different approaches depending on how "bad" what he's doing is. Just be sure to be consistent within those categories and you'll be fine. I think it's good that you try to redirect him with positive statements (like "be gentle with the dog") so he is learning what to do instead of the negative behavior. It sounds to me like you're doing great!

If YOU think no is a bad word, then by all means avoid it. But I don't see the big deal. Actually, my parents tried not to use the word no with their first, and when they finally had to use it, she completely lost it! She thought she was bad or something because no one had ever told her no before.

And let's face it, people will tell your child no. In kindergarten, at friends' houses, they will encounter the word. You don't want him to hear "no, you can't have another cupcake" at a birthday party and have him freak out because he's never been told no before!

I'm sure this is going farther than you're thinking, but I actually think that it's a problem when people don't tell their kids no. So many parents give in to whatever children want, and end up raising spoiled kids who expect to get whatever they want.

I'm not saying you should be harsh. You can shout No, or you can say it calmly and they are totally different. I think No is a very clear word, easy to understand, and helps kids learn their boundaries. Kids need boundaries, or the world seems too big and scary for them.

I didn't want to use "no" unless it was a danger situation so that my daughter could understand the difference between something that shouldn't be done vs. something that could cause harm when done. (hope that makes sense) anyway we used "lets do something else" and remove them from whatever we didn't want her doing, for example pulling leaves off the plant. Take leaves from her hand pick her up as saying lets do something else and handing her something appropriate like a toy on a velcro string that she can pull off over and over.
she never said the word no until she was 18 months old. my personal reason was that I grew up with so much negativity I wanted positive reinforcement for healthy behaviors--
it worked out great for us.
I have a cute little niece who is 11 months and no is her favorite word. and she is really so cute about it. lol. I love playing with her and having her say nono to everything--we even found a super cute book called nono yesyes to give her for her birthday since it is so fitting, and also helps illustrate when to do and not to do something.
So I'm on the fence on the saying no. I think it is a personal thing with each family. No obviously works. :) if you want to use no, go for it. if you are personally uncomfortable with it for your child for whatever the reason, there are lots of alternatives besides having to explain everything out, although I personally never baby talked my daughter and at almost 4 she has an extensive vocabulary (that she understands) because of it.
I think as moms we are always going to be our worst critic. but the bottom line is love your kid, trust your instincts and everything miraculously works out. so be gentle with yourself whatever you decide to use.

You are doing a great job! Eventually, they will understand. I've read that around 10 months, the little ones start to push their boundaries to see what you will say "No" to and whatnot.

My little girl is 10 months as well. We say, "No" quite a bit, and try to re-direct her as well, or remove her from the situation to another room or another activity. We also use "Nu-uh" or some other warning sound when it's a small offense so she can distinguish between the major offenses and small offenses. She understands us fine because she will look at us, and either smile, or clap, and then try to do it again, at which we usually remove her from the situation.

I think you are doing an awesome job with your son. Keep it up!

Tricia
www.mamas2mamas.com

Hi I.,
I will make a book recommendation only because you seem interested enough to ask regarding training your baby. It's called "To Train Up A Child" by Michael and Debi Pearl. Some hate it because it's too hard for parents to actually be the parent, some say it's too old fashioned because it's based on biblical values and some like my husband and I love it. It works wonderfully well when you are consistent which you admitted you seemed to lack in this area. You can find more info about the book or the Pearls online at "No Greater Joy". Blessings, L.

Sound like your doing a great job! here are some more fun saying that I use instead of just "no"
"Nope, Not for you"
"that (or this) is a tool not a toy" or just "Not a toy" then I find him a toy he can play with

The only time I do a crib time out is if it is something dangerous that they just can't seam to leave alone, after I have redirected at least three times (outlets for example). Or they are not being respectful and are hurting someone or something repeatedly. But usually until about 18 months attention can be easily focused on something else, that you want him to do.
Good luck
E.

I applaud your desire to say no less to your son! Great!!!
Sometimes we HAVE to say no, just explaining will do no good. Doing both is great, he needs to know that no also explains something negative he is doing. "Little" things you think are unimportant are not so unimportant. Climbing in the dishwasher is not safe. If he did that somewhere else and the dishwasher wasn't secured properly, it could be dangerous (first-hand experience). Allowing him to throw books off the bookshelf is disrespecting your property and could lead to destruction of the books later on. Better to sit down with him and read him a book, showing him how to handle them, than allowing the other.
Taking him away from a situation and distracting him is a marvelous tactic. Keep up the good work!

A 10 month old baby is not able to see the viewpoint of others or understand cause and effect. Expecting a child this age to do that would be like expecting a Kindergartner to do Calculus. This means that time out and other after-the-fact discipline in pretty much ineffectual. And saying "It hurts when you pull mommy's hair" means nothing because he can't feel the hurt.

The best approach at this age is to redirect him to something else. If he pulls hair, calmly remove his hand (you can say "ouch that hurt" or "no, don't pull hair" if you want) and set him down with a toy to play with. If he starts exploring the dishwasher and you don't want him to, move him somewhere else and give him something to play with. And, as much as possible, prevent situations. Catch him before and redirect him. Kids can start understanding the cause-and-effect of discipline around 2 1/2 to 3 years old. This is when time out is actually meaningful (but still only use it for things that are a big deal, like hitting) and it takes longer before they can understand another person's point of view. There will be a time when a kids needs the rule to be "because I said so," but as they get to school age they can start understanding the reasoning.

The whole goal of discipline is to teach a child to make good choices when mom isn't there, right? So try to keep that in mind, and work within the limits of his cognitive and emotional development when you are making discipline choices.

Try finding a copy of Without Spanking or Spoiling -it's about gentle discipline for younger kids --toddlers to about 6. I'm pretty sure it's out of print.

The problem with the word 'no' is that many children will have heard it more than 20,000 times by the time they're 2 --far more often than they'll have even heard their own names. When this happens, it is the most powerful word in their world, and the one they are the most likely to repeat the most often.

At this age, your little guy is far too young, with far too immature a brain, to 'learn' anything from what you tell him (from 'no' to 'gentle with the dog')... but he can understand your tone of voice. A voice that is loving and guiding makes him feel safe and loved. A harsh tone makes him feel lost and wrong.

For the most part, at this age, things that he can't be handling or into should be where he can't reach them --pop him into the highchair at chat at him about whate you're doing while you load the dishwasher and you'll avoid a lot of frustration for yourself and for him.