Ur Mean to Me.... :(

Have O. or two of his "real" friends over to play. But I think you need to somewhat figure out "mean kids" on his own. It's hard, I know. I have a 7.5 yo only.

hm, sounds like your judgment of these kids is fixed and all-encompassing. I noticed with my almost five year old that playtiem between kids can sound mean and bullying, and the kids are fine. Don't get me wrong: when there is bullying there needs to be an intervention. I do not tolerate bullying. But i hear his play-mates say things like: your not my friend. And i see them taking advantage of him. But if he is fine with it, i let it be. If he is hurting, i help him get a perspective, and tell him what real friends are like. Then he may make the decision to not pley with the playmate again, or to give it another try. In this case i offer suggestions about how he can insist on better treatment, and what he is right to exect from a friend/play-mate, and what he can ask for (respect, peacefulness, friendliness, freedom to make his own choices etc).

I do all this because i do not want to superimpose my own judgement too easily. I will impose it if he is harmed. But i will also let him make experiences and learn that way. To me it sounds like you may need to let your son experience more of these kids, and if he's ok, that's ok, even if you do not like them. My son has a good freind who is very rough, can't pay attention to anything for more than a second, and is in many other ways his opposite. I marvel at their desire to be together. They often end up having only an ok time, or even being upset. But both insist seperately that they are good frineds, and they want to see each other again.... I do not understand it, but that's ok. As long as nobody is hurt, fine. As long as they learn how to be friends, due to our gentle guidance (his mom and i get along well), even better...

I'd say, of course you weren't mean to your son. You were well-intentioned. But it may be better to be less involved here.

Good luck,

D.

Well I was in a similar situation. There are two older boys (age 8) on this street and they were mean and told my son they "didn't like him." We had recently moved here and my son is very friendly, playful, happy and social and just wanted someone to play with! It was hard for me, but I explained to my son that I simply could not allow my son to play with these boys because I love him and I don't want him around kids that are mean. Boy spats happen - it's normal. Mean kids are what I am talking about and there is a difference.

It's not just about the boys sorting it out, in my view. It is about building him up when his self-esteem is still developing. Why would I want my son around kids that call him names and tell him they "don't like him"? A real friend wouldn't do that even though I know that sometimes boys spat and will say things like, "You aren't my friend anymore." They may even call names and have to take personally responsibility by apologizing and then they are fast friends again. That is different. You can tell when it is.

So, B., my recommendation is that if your son wants to play with these boys, then they can play in neutral territory like in the street or at the park, and you can be present. I will let my son play with the 'mean kids', but it is only when I can watch and supervise. I never allow him over to their house. I am actually concerned for his safety because I think their behavior unusual. What if they climbed a tree and pushed my son out or something like that? I am the protector of my child.

So what to do in the meantime when your son is pining for other friends. Find other moms in your area with similar age boys. I went to the park the other day and there was a boy there and my son and him were playing a lot! I asked his mom if we could set up a play date in the future. Get to know another mom and you guys can arrange play dates at neutral locations and even at each others homes. If you need ideas of places to meet other moms...parks, church, school events, have him join a flag football or soccer team, etc!

I am reassuring you that it is okay to protect your kids. Here is the thing. There are other boys on my street, the same age as those boys that were mean. They aren't mean like that other kid was. Sure, I get the boy spats. That is normal. But my son came home crying.

Now one of the 'mean boys' has started coming over to play with my son. (His buddy must not be home.) I will let him play with my son, as I said, as long as they are nearby where I can supervise. I will let them ride bikes in front of my house too. I live on a cul-de-sac. I make sure my son knows how far he can go.

Here is something very important I think all moms should hear, know and embrace, it is not your job to be nice or be you child's friend. You job is to protect you child and raise them in such a way that they grow into self-confident, independent, successful adults. When my kids tell me that I am mean I tell them thanks, then I know I am doing my job and I kindly remind them that although they may not like what I am doing I do have their best interest at heart, but it is not my job to be their friend.
I would go out of my way to try to find some good friends for your son so that he can see the difference because that really is something that he is going to have to learn for himself. It is perfectly ok that you want to try to protect him form a bunch of creeps though.

Oh, I hate it when mine says that...and at 14 I still get the "your mean to me" line sometimes.

What if you had the children come to your house to play and had a No Electronics rule? Play a board game, or a ball game in the yard. Something that you could supervise and then gently correct the children if they are not playing nice? You know the "in our house we don't treat others that way" lesson. Have your talked to the parents of the other children? Do they know that their kids are not playing nice?

It may be that they do not know how to play nice - literally. It is a learned response and it sounds like you have taught your son that lesson but the other children just have not learned it yet.

I agree with Denise P., no matter how much we hate it, we sometimes have to let our kids learn that the child next door is just not a nice friend. When mine was 12 and we moved into our neighborhood he began playing with the boy next door. Honestly, I did not like the child - he was mean. But my son was determined to have a new friend in the new neighborhood. It took him about 6 - 9 months to realize that this child was just not a good friend. I know mine was older than yours is - but I think these issues transcend age.

Just remember - you are not a mean Mom and this too shall pass.

I agree with the moms who say to let him sort it out on his own. The drama starts around this age and you are handicapping him if you don't let him learn how to deal with it. My son (8) was crying two days ago that all his friends are mean to him; right now he's outside playing with them and all the meanness is forgotten - they flipflop tons at this age.

However, if you insist on inserting yourself in your son's relationships, he's going to get ticked and say things like "you're mean!". Take a deep breath, smile, say "I'm sorry you feel that way. I understand you are disappointed but I am your Mom and I make the decisions. When you say I'm mean it hurts my feelings and I know you don't intend to do that. I forgive you, let's go have a cookie" - repeat as necessary.

Hate to break it to you...but if you worry TOO much about hurting his feelings and him saying you're mean...you'll probably end up with more serious issues than a bully down the street. The other night my 4 year old said, "Mommy, you and Daddy are so mean because you make us do so much clean up!" (I had asked him to put his toys back in his bin...not clean the whole house).

However...as far as this situation is concerned...

I would watch his behavior and use that as a guide more than how the relationship appears. My 2 year old is so excited when his older siblings involve him in a game...he really doesn't care if he gets the lousy end of the stick....and my daughter had a girl say, "I'm not going to be your friend anymore..." etc. She didn't like it...We talked about it...she learned that she doesn't like it and won't say it to other people...but that was about the extent of my interference. I have found that when I back out of the way...my children really do impress me with their decision making skills. I would focus on continuing to teach him what a good friend is and inviting over kids that you know will exemplify that...try to be proactive...instead of just reactive.

There was a time, HOWEVER, when my child was spending time around someone who's behavior was not what Iiked...and it had a negative effect on my child's behavior...that's when I step in a little more. They would still see each other and we would talk about making right choices...regardless of what other children maybe doing...etc...but had my child really wanted to have this child over all the time - I probably would have said 'No.' I limited it and used it as a learning experience. Fact of the matter is...that's life...the sooner kids can learn to handle it and deal with people like that...the better. Sometimes being around people like that a lot does NOT teach them how to deal with is properly - Sometimes, at this young age they need are help in solving people problems, simply because they are young...and don't always have the tools to do it themselves...but coming in and immediately just taking away the 'problem'...kind of denies them the learning experience. My son tends to kind of 'shut down' when he's around people that aren't nice and he doesn't know what to do...he really withdraws into himself and tunes everything else out...We've been working on healthy ways of dealing with negative people...and it's been pretty effective. Anyway...enough of my rambling...best of luck to you :)

I know that it is hard at the age of 5, but I agree with some of the other moms....let him figure it out for himself. Good kids figure out whom they want to be friends with. It might be a tough lesson at first, but better he tell you that he doesn't want to play with them, than you tell him he can't. Also, once he figures out that they are mean, when their mom asks him why he doesn't want to play ...he will tell her honestly, because that what 5 year olds do. :)

My son is having the same issue right now. He is the youngest in the "roller crew" (they all either ride bikes or razors) He four and there is one kid who is five but the rest are mostly seven. When my son is out there if the boy closest to age with him isnt out there they bully him. I have gone out there a couple times just to make sure he was okay becuase I could hear the things they were saying to him. He always tells me his is fine and he is just playing. I dont know if he doesnt understand that they are being mean to him or he just doesnt care because he plays with them everyday.
I have asked my hubs if I should just not let him play with them but he told me that I needed to let him be and if I told him that he couldnt play with them he wouldnt understand and he would just get mad at me.
So I have and he is fine, it actually has gotten better because he is learning how to speak up and say something when he doesnt like them teasing or whatever.
Try and just let it go, I know its hard.

Oh kids they learn to talk it out themselves in their own language..I don't like it when I see kids get hurt over a stupid toy thats not the meaning of friendship but when there is some intervention they seem to go on & play with whatever else is around them & forget.
Your not being mean your protecting him from you seeing him get his feelings hurt it hurts us more than the child.