Unspoiling

My parents ran into the same problem with me when I was little. It was a lot to do with age. At 5\6 they really are all little gluttons and in a lot of ways this is super normal and will pass.

Starting when I was 7 my parents made my count my gifts and give one existing toy to charity every year. When I got a little older, about 11, they told me there was a set amount of money for my christmas gifts. I had to decide what things I wanted and there price and subtract them and work with the money they gave me. That taught me a whole lot.

We faced a similar situation with out daughter. She was being ungrateful for what she had and getting more and more disobedient. I had a friend who did this and it worked , so I gave it a try. I took everything they loved away, like priveledges, cell phone, tv, music, etc. She loved being in her room reading, so I took that time away, she was only allowed to go into her room to sleep. She thought that we HAD to give her these things, and we chose to. So we sat her down and told her that when she started being obedient, and doing her chores around the house, and being respectful, she can start receiving the priveledges that were taken away. It only took about 1-2 weeks, and WOW what a difference! My friend's daughter it took a bit longer. It depends on how far they have gone and how much it means to get anything back. It is possible to get them back, but definately not an easy road! Good luck!

Ah yes, you love your children very much. Now it is time to teach them that "Things" do not make us happy.

When they do not pick up their toys once you have asked them? You pick them up and they go away.. They will probably think you cleaned up their rooms.

You decide it they ever get them back or not. See if they even notice that toys are gone. Do not mention it to them. If they do notice tell them "because they did not pick them up as you asked, these toys are in "time out". They can get them back by helping with a chore."

Then remind them the next time you ask them to pick up the toys off of the floor, that if they are not picked up, they are going away.

The bed situation is no biggie. If she does not like her bed? She can make a palate on the floor of her bedroom. Our daughter went through a phase where she did not want to make her bed anymore, so she slept in her sleeping bag on top of her made up bed. She just had to roll up the bag and place it in her closet! Genius solution!

Quit purchasing them anything unless it is a "gift holiday." Do not continue to willy nilly purchase clothing, decorative items etc, unless they really need them. I know parents give their children gifts for good grades, but we gave hugs and high fives.

When you give them so much, of course they take it for granted, that this is normal. But when they have to earn things that they want , they appreciate things and they put more thought into it.

Instead you need to teach them to not be wasteful. If they want something new, they need to get rid of something, better yet, donate it so others can get use from it. Bag up things and have them help you unload it at Salvation Army, Goodwill.. wherever there is a place that provides clothing, toys and books to underprivileged children,

When they need something take them to shop at a thrift store.Or tell them they can only shop the "sale" racks. Or only purchase with a coupon.

Go to a thrift store or resale shop. Give them a few dollars and tell them to look for a new shirt, a pair of pants.. Many times people donate things that were never worn, that were only worn a few times and then outgrown (sound familiar) so this is a good way to also be a good steward of our planet. They will see that brand new, really is not that important in many cases.

Model this behavior by also shopping carefully. Show them you actually wore out a pair of shoes, handbag, pants.. whatever, so they will see you are also willing to purchase slightly used items or very discounted items.

You are over compensating for your childhood. But in reality, your childhood made you who you are, successful and hardworking.
Your children could do well with a realistic lifestyle. We have to work for what we have. Do we really need the very best? If we are only going to wear it a handful of times or play with it a few times? Special holidays are about being together. Not having more stuff.

Time together as a family is worth more than anything else. Do not use your guilt as a reason to give things to your children. A play every once in a while, maybe 2 times a year unless it is free, is enough . A trip to the zoo, once a year is more than most people ever get.

A vacation of staying home and going around town to enjoy your own city is amazing. Camping in your back yard is priceless. It is the time spent together that did not cost money that will be best for them. Experiences and opportunity to earn things makes them more personal.

Time to start volunteering as a family. For the Thanksgiving holiday find a way to provide a meal for a family in need. During Christmas, adopt a family and provide each family member with gifts . Maybe a meal also. Have your children come up with ideas and solutions.

My husband and I have sold our home. People are shocked that we are not going to purchase a bigger "nicer" home. We told them, we do not need a bigger home. We do not need a fancy neighborhood. We have each other and we can make friends anywhere. Just because you have money, does not mean you have to spend it. We have lived on a tight budget all of our marriage. Times when we only had $10. till payday. We made it through by not being wasteful. We are appalled by all of the stuff we have accumulated, but we are noticing, lots of it we purchased at garage sales or people offered it to us. We will now be passing these things to others.

Hit the reset button on your life. This is your opportunity to start down a new path for you and your children, Allow them to earn the things that they want. It will be in their control and you will learn what they are willing to work towards and really want. Do not back down on the goals that you set for them, or they have set for themselves. Instead brain storm with them how they can accomplish their goals.

A child who is given everything will appreciate nothing. That goes for both stuff AND your time. These children think that the entire world revolves around them. It doesn't. You need to cut back. Stop spending every moment and every penny on them. You are doing them a terrible disservice (which you recognize in your post).

Giving our children everything they want, both emotionally and physically, and requiring no work, self discipline or responsibility isn't showing them love. It's failing them. They need balance. It doesn't have to be one extreme or the other...feast or famine. Extremes are bad. Find a middle ground and I think you'll find that their attitudes will change.

"Raise up your child in the way he should go, and he will not depart from it."

How to unspoil: Stop giving them so much stuff. Make them "earn" and deserve the stuff they get.

How to stop the disobedience: give them immediate consequences.

And about that thing you wonder: "did the way that I was raised lead to me being more motivated to get educated, and get a better career, and work harder and be more persistent? Did it give me the guts and drive to do more? Are my kids going to be self absorbed, self indulged and uninterested people when they get bigger?"

To me, the answer to that question is yes. A little adversity is good for people, and studies show makes them happier, as well.

It's not too late. Just stop giving your kids so much stuff. Save it for birthdays and Christmas. Make them work more.

I grew up "poor" and I grew up with parents who weren't particularly present and didn't spend time with me. I never minded not having stuff (and I'm really happy to have been able to not feel the urge to lavish on my kids, because they are now very self-sufficient); but I did mind not having involved parents.

You are very present and involved, so that's good. But the stuff can go.

You recognize the problem and that's great. Here is what I would do, put the money for gifts into travel experiences and involve them in service to those who are without. Lots of churches have mission trips where they distribute gifts and work to service the poor. Having a food drive for the local dog shelter, feeding the homeless or gather supplies to help them, gathering used toys and taking them to the Salvation Army, visiting a shelter or home for the elderly. Mowing a lawn, making a dinner for someone who just got out of the hospital...you get the idea. TONS of things to do for the less fortunate. In serving we are humbled. Being as blessed as you are, teach them to reach out and help people who aren't as fortunate. You are in a unique situation, you could adopt a family for Christmas that needs help and be a huge blessing to them. Let them come up with ideas on ways to help others and you guys do it as a family. I think this will go a long way to developing their character. They are young enough that I think you can turn this around pretty fast. Blessings....

I think some of this is a function of age, they just don't understand money and value. Do your kids get an allowance? I've been using this as a way to teach the value of things, and it seems to be working. You can say things like, that costs 12 weeks of your allowance, etc.

We don't want for anything, but we do simple living. We have a fancy play structure, the kids have their own computers, tablets, etc. But they don't have a lot. They get clothes for Xmas, and a very limited amount. If they are just going to wear the same things over and over again, then why do you need more than a few outfits?

I don't blame your daughter for getting mad about spiderman. She wanted spiderman, not the other stuff. Keep it simple. Stop thinking of what you think they need or want, and just ask them.

Last year when my oldest turned 6, all she wanted was a gumball machine. I got her a few other things, but that silly machine was her highlight. They don't understand cost, they just see what they want. So don't shower them with things, keep it simple. You can then teach them about caring for things.

My kids are expected to put their toys away and care for them. You have to teach this. They don't understand, especially if they have a lot. So cut back on stuff (one gift from each fsmily member, three things from Santa).

My kids will tell you to not be wasteful with things, to turn off water, etc. I spend a lot of time talking about the less fortunate, about the environment, etc.

Kids honestly want to comply. They comply when they feel listened too. Check out Laura markham and ah ah parenting.

We earn a decent living and could afford to spoil our kids with stuff if we wanted to, but we don't. We give our kids everything they need, but not everything they want. We practice delayed gratification. If we want something, we earn it or we wait for Christmas or a birthday to get it. We give memberships and gift certificates to go on outings for Christmas and birthdays. We buy used clothes (not ugly, old or ill fitting), toys and household items and only buy new when we need to, on principle (financial and environmental reasons). My kids only got special kids soap, shampoo and toothpaste in Christmas stockings, Easter baskets and for birthdays, if they run out then they used the boring adult stuff. My kids are very appreciative of what they have and take very good care of their belongings. They have always had to wait for things, and have learned patience. They have learned to ration their H'ween, Christmas and Easter candy so that it will last them all year. They know that if they whine, complain and beg then they get nothing. They know that they are expected to share, with each other, with friends, with kids that come to our home for child care and with the needy (they help make Christmas hampers and they donate a portion of their allowance to the church). These are all skills they will need in life.

ETA: I wouldn't take away any of the time you spend with them, but I would make them appreciate the fact that outings are not free. Instead of just taking them to the theatre, give them tickets to the theatre as a birthday gift, or a zoo membership for Christmas, etc. Also, make sure you aren't entertaining them every minute of the day. Expect that they should entertain themselves for a certain amount of time daily.

Please don't confuse the time you spend DOING things with your kids with "spoiling" them! Spend that time and more. It is how they learn and how the come to feel secure in your love and attention.

The issue you describe isn't so much one of spoiling as it is one of needing some different reactions on your part when they mistreat the things they have. Hot Wheels stay on the floor? They all go into "toy time out" only to be earned back. They end up on the floor again and one request to pick them up does not work? They get donated to a charity. 'Bye!

Pump soap used up? Major unpleasant chore is the consequence. Scrubbing that sink, the toilet and the bathroom floor (under your supervision of course). Second offense? Major unpleasant chore is repeated plus you take away something highly valued, such as TV time or other screen time, for long enough for the kid to really feel the loss. Make consequences such as the cleanup or take-away immediate -- don't let it get put off or the kids don't connect consequences to the behaviors.

Same with other disobedience. Doing X has the result of Y, and Y is the instant loss of thing Z that you really really really like or want -- screen time, a playdate that was scheduled for this afternoon, etc. (It's hard to call another parent and say, "Sorry but the play date is off because Jimmy has done something that requires me to take it away" but you CAN do it and any other parent should understand!) Be SURE that you have told your kids in advance that behaviors like X will bring consequence Y so they have prior notice; also give them one warning, too: "This is your ONE warning: I have asked once already. If you don't do Z now, you will lose all TV and computer time today, tomorrow AND the next day. Think right now about what you choose to do."

As for fits because of one piece of candy instead of two: "You get what you get and you don't get upset" has to be the mantra. Getting upset means the loss of the ONE piece of candy, calmly removed by you. Refusing milk that's not in one special cup? At age 5 or 6? Truly? Then that cup needs to be "lost" for a long time so it is not visible or available. Retire it.

These are just examples based on your own examples above. You don't specify how they "behave poorly and are disobedient" otherwise but I'd sit down (when the kids are not around) with your significant other and really think through exactly what their poor behaviors are and what triggers them. Then reduce or remove the triggers. For instance, have you set up a world where they get candy for doing certain things right or willingly? Time to stop that and give praise instead. If they whine for candy? Distract with another activity and move on, but later, let them hear you praising them to dad for the good thing they did.

But please, don't see time spent with them or activities done with them as "spoiling." That is where you need to focus. I like the idea of having them choose toys to donate.

Again, tell them in advance, in a short but firm family meeting, that you are starting new consequences.

Oh, and this Christmastime? Fewer gifts for everyone, period. And find some kind of activity they can do very near Christmas where they pack kids' stockings for the Salvation Army or otherwise do some kind of kid-appropriate charity work. While they pack stockings or "Santa shoeboxes" with small toys you can talk with them about how not all kids have ANY gifts at Christmas. Don't hit them over the head with "you get so much" but do let them start seeing that other kids don't have much at all. Contact your local Salvation Army or Toys for Tots campaign, or if you are part of a church or other religious or civic group, start a drive.

Good that you are recognizing this now before they are spoiled, entitled teens! Yes, what you are doing is creating spoiled, entitled children. You even recognize it yourself; you were much more grateful for what you had because you didn't have that much. Over indulgence never works out well. No kid needs 500 match box cars! And if toys are being tossed on the floor, then they are not really appreciated. I think you should sit your children down and explain how the world really is and then have them each to go their rooms and pick out no less than 3 toys each to donate. Now is a good time with the holidays coming up. You could also take a bit of the money you would have spent on them for toys that they don't need, and have them pick out toys for a less fortunate child. If it were me and my child was getting angry as she opened gifts, I would have donated them all and she would have been in her room for a good long time because I would not have wanted to even look at her ungrateful butt!

You just need to back way up and start today with not indulging them. It really is GOOD for kids to want but not get.

And yes, if you keep this up, they will be poor students and they will not have any drive or motivation to work hard because they don't think they need to.

You've opened the barn door and now you want to close it?? S. this is going to be a VERY hard door to close, but you CAN do it.

Have your kids go through their toys - if they haven't played with it? It's being donated - there are MANY kids who would LOVE LOVE LOVE to have at least ONE Matchbox car....

Clothes? Same thing...if it doesn't fit? It goes to donate...

These are all material things and you have taught your children that they can have whatever they want. They need to start doing chores. Yep. Chores. Pick up after themselves. If they leave it on the floor and you ask them to pick it up and they don't? It goes into a box. If they don't notice it being gone after several days? DONATE it.

There is NOTHING wrong with Goodwill. I've picked up Gap Jeans for my boys with tags still on them...I'm sorry that your parents had such a tight budget but really?? GIVING your kids everything you didn't have when you were growing up is back-firing on you.

They need manners. You need to start being that role model - please and thank you go a LONG way....

this will NOT be easy. But this is you being the parent and taking back control of your children and your home.

If you want to go EXTREME??? Take EVERYTHING away...yep...
EVERYTHING...give them a sleeping bag, pillow and light in their room...and make them EARN EVERYTHING they want back...show them just how much they have and how fast it can be taken away...stop GIVING them things...spending time with them is GREAT - but stop opening up your wallet everything they say "I want that"...Christmas is coming up - fix this NOW...tell them you are changing your ways...Christmas will be THREE GIFTS max...and the rest?? You'll be volunteering in a soup kitchen or a retirement home...personally I believe a soup kitchen will hit home with them more than a retirement home...

Change this up. You CAN DO THIS...I promise, it won't be easy - but the rewards will be well worth it...

You MUST be consistent...house rules. consequences...follow through...you will get a LOT OF WHINING and a LOT of crying...don't cave...stand tall mama!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!

You are raising children that no one will want to be around when they're adults. They will act like this when they're on their own and that's not good.

I don't think you've been horrible or anything like that. I do think you need to find your own life away from the kids though. You didn't mention a single thing you do for you.

It's going to take time but now is the time to start making changes and setting boundaries for them.

Step 1. Take a deep breath and relax.

Step 2. Find some parenting classes or watch shows like Super Nanny or The Parenting Show.

Step 3. Let your "Yes" be yes and your "No" be no.
Example 1: Son if you don't pick up your cars in x time I will throw them out. Then don't be afraid to follow through.
Example 2: Daughter - it's fine with me if you don't want to sleep in your bed. You can sleep on the floor.

The children may have more than a slight break down but sometimes life can be disappointing what age do you think is a good age to start to learn how to deal with life's disappointments.

You may consider switching from pump soap to bar soap if it is really a major problem.

Your children are not you. They aren't being raised under the circumstances or expiriences you had growing up. This generation of children has their own challenges. It's time to give them limitations and expectations. You expect them to show gratitude. You must teach them what that looks like and sounds like. You give them limitations by allowing them to do this or that but not the other thing. You can sleep in the bed or on the floor but you must go to sleep.

Children need boundaries, love, rewards and discipline. It helps them better handle life. The goal is to raise productive wonderful human beings. We are born like this. We have to learn how to be wonderful. Every moment with a child can be a teachable moment. Sometimes it is us adults who are taught about the very nature of our own kids.

This work goes by fast but remember to have fun. You are smarter than your children for now. So make your years of just being pay off in wisdom in how you raise them. Learn more about the various phases of childhood development and how to handle where your children are, who they are and where you are striving to get them to be.

No parent is perfect. We all make mistakes but ultimately the goal is to get them up and out of our homes and into their own adulthood with their own children. I hope this helps.

Nice post!!! My friend and I were just having this conversation! We both grew up pretty poor and had very few toys. We wore only hand me downs. We were strictly disciplined and had excellent behavior and wouldn't dare to be disrespectful to parents OR ELSE. We cherished everything we got. I worked hard throughout my 20 and early 30's to finally earn some decent money and NEVER felt entitled to "everything" when I first left home. I hear people in their 20's complaining they don't have high entry level salaries and I'm like, "REALLY!!!!!??!" I knew starting from zero was the way it was, and I'm so thankful for my foundation. We had WAY LESS activities as kids, but somehow still had an extremely rich childhood experience. Both my parents worked full time and we were latch-key kids, but somehow I remember my mom making every dinner and my dad being home every night to read to us. It felt like they did a lot with us. We always had to help out with chores in the country and those took lots of time "together" caring for horses or working in garden....SOMETIMES we got to go see fireworks on the 4th or something, or the Thanksgiving parade on TV, or a yearly trip to Grandma's or a few camping trips, but each of those things made a HUGE impact, because we didn't often have money to travel or do stuff. We barely watched tv. Had no video games, but had BLAST inventing games all the time and running around outside.

So I HEAR YOU! I can relate on a few levels. Luckily, I had my kids late, and watched all my friends pamper their kids and use minimal gentle "discipline" and their kids were monsters as toddlers and early grade school kids with NO RESPECT for their parents. So firm discipline has always been important to me, and luckily my kids are well-behaved. But UNFORTUNATELY, we became that hoarding American family with way too much stuff. Not a bad as some, but we moved to where we could afford a big old house, and somehow it's full of toys :(. I didn't buy them, but they fly in from relatives all over the country at every holiday and I'm bad at purging. I only buy cheap clothes and most are hand me downs, but still, they have way too many, and I'm bad at purging as they outgrow them, and they're picky about what they wear, and I didn't want that to happen. I've never caved to food whining. But somehow they're picky eaters. My dad would have slapped us into next week for criticizing food, but somehow, my kids complain about their healthy meals :( As a single sahm and homeschooler, I've taken them on so many countless enriching activities, they feel bored if there's not some big fun event happening at all times. They get past it and settle in, but they're too used to going and doing grandiose stuff. Even if it's cheap or free to go to big farms and orchards and our local vintage amusement park, and festivals, etc etc etc, it's still stuff stuff stuff.

It's great you realize this too. I've been actively scaling back on their activities. I pulled them from Taekwondo and girl scouts when they went into public school because it was suddenly too much socializing and stuff on top of school. They have no video games and I barely let them watch TV. We've been reading and I've been backing off and letting them entertain themselves more as they get older. I've been cracking down with discipline on the complaining and we do some volunteer stuff, and I keep a dialogue open about how poor most people really are, how poor I used to be, how they need to be grateful, etc...but talking only goes so far. I know I need to empty out this house and walk the walk. I do plan to make them earn pricy gadgets if they ever want them and stuff like that. Designer clothes? Nope. I didn't have fancy clothes until I worked and bought them myself and it did me a world of good in being a prudent shopper to this day. My oldest (8) is already good at sewing and taking her allowance to thrift stores to mimic looks she likes in magazines (which she sees at library and grocery store-we don't buy them).

I did get rid of a ton of matchbox cars (where did they all come from??!!) because my son wasn't caring for them. He never even noticed. TOO MUCH STUFF!!! My kids have so much more fun when we go places where kids have very little (my religious relatives) They stay entertained for hours with a few toys in a bin in an empty room like I used to. Here at home, they just wanna watch TV (and I don't let them, so they escape to the yard) because there's too much stuff overwhelming them.

To answer your final questions, yes I do think it damages kids to have every luxury given to them so they enter the world with a heightened standard of everything when they haven't earned it. Not everyone would agree, and some super privileged kids go on to work hard and be generous people with level-headed values...but the articles on todays entitled millenials are pretty countless. So I think our parenting generation does need to take heed. As an example I have some EXTREMELY successful friends (billionnaires) who founded a popular broadway show that has gone global. They starved, they suffered, they worked odd jobs so they could do off-broadway shows, they worked like dogs until they finally succeeded in their late 30s, and they STILL work hard. But somehow, they don't want any discomfort for their kids. The kids have been wearing head to toe designer wear since infancy and go to a $30,000/year elementary school. They live in a Frank Gehry building. The kids are not friendly or respectful (or happy, they're alway frowning and whining) because they think adults are there to serve them. They have numerous nannies and special tutors and no one's allowed to say no or yell at them. Needless to say, the kids are UNBEARABLE little tantrummers who are never happy. I don't get it, when their parents were not raised with those values. That's an extreme, but it can be the result of spoiling, sure!

To address the behavior, I like the book Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson.

What I did with my kids: As soon as they got to an age that they started asking for more more more, I started having them buy things with their own money, which they have to earn by doing extra chores. Unless it's a special occasion (birthday or Christmas), if they want a new toy, they save the money and buy it. I buy necessities like new clothes when they outgrow what they have, but if it's not a necessity - a new toy, a replacement toy for one they broke, etc - then they have to save up the money to buy it themselves.

It happened because I had a similar wake-up call to yours. 2 days after Christmas several years ago, my at the time 5 year old started complaining that he didn't get XYZ toy that his friend got, and could we buy it for him, as if he didn't just get a bunch of presents. I realized that I had to start teaching him that things cost money, and that money is not free. We've been doing this for several years, and it's worked out well. He has more appreciation for what he has, and now that he realizes how much work he has to do to earn enough to buy toy XYZ that he wants (and that he would have to do all that work again to replace it if it broke), he takes much better care of his things.

As a side lesson, he's also learned the value of saving up to buy something more expensive that he really wants versus spending his money as soon as he gets it on smaller junk that he won't care about later.

Good luck!

Im in a similar boat as I grew up with little. But my childhood was great. My husband grew up well off and had big Christmases and still likes to buy what he wants when he wants it. We are not wealthy but we are comfortable and I buy my kids way too much "stuff". My son the other day had to go to school while his sister stayed home sick. The told me that since he had to go to school that he thought he needed a "present". I nipped that one in the bud but yes there is a problem. Christmas probably could be brought down a notch or two but I only got 2-3 presents a year and now I want as much under the tree because I always fantasized about walking in the living room with it full of presents. Christmas is my weakness and its so not what Christmas is really about.

With that being said my husband is law enforcement for a very wealthy city and he deals with entitled kids all the time. He got called out to a teenage boy who drank drano because his parents said he couldn't go to a party. There have been multiple scenerios where kids are doing stuff like this because mommy and daddy said no.

I wouldn't take away the outings or you doing stuff with them. That is great. Just don't buy them everything they want on these outings. Dont go to gift shops or stores. That isn't what the adventure was for. Or if you do set a low limit and don't let them go above that. If they throw a fit you walk them out of the store and they get nothing. Or set up an allowance based off chores and make them save their own money to buy what they want.

I think a lot of us struggled growing up and the economy was something that we could strive in and we made it bigger than our parents did, and don't want our kids to suffer. But they are, just in a different way.

My Dad gave me the best advice when my kids were young. He said 'If you have the choice between spending time with your kids always choose to spend the time.'

You have identified that you have a problem which is a major thing. You know what you need to do. Donate the glut of toys and clothes getting rid of at least half and then DON'T REPLACE THEM. The problem is that the more you give your kids them more they want. Enough is never enough. When you don't have many possessions it makes the ones you have more valuable.

You just have to strike a balance.
Don't give them every single thing their hearts desire or just because they
want it or ask for it. However, do give them gifts, parties etc.
YOu want to iinstill in them a good work ethic (have a few chores that are
required as just being part of the contributing family member, some
extra chores that are tied to small monetary earnings to they can "feel &
experience" the idea of working for & towards something, value & the
value of a dollar.
Instill values by your teachings & model the behavior.
Have the be grateful for a new toy or birthday gift by saying thank you &
writin a short thank you note.
Impress upon them to get a college degree so they can obtain a career
& good paying job.
Teach them how to budget (ex. for this young age..."you get $5 a week or
month for chores then you can put 3/4 of that in the bank & spend the
remaining $5 on a toy for yourself. This teaches them not only to save
but how much something actually costs.
Teach them that not everyone is as priviledged as they are by having
them donate toys to the less fortunate, donating their older toys they no
longer play with, helping out a family in need, having them see you
helping someone in need (while being safe).
Teach them to be be kind, responsible, to help other & to be safe!
Give choices. Regarding your daughter wanting milk in her spec cup.... when you go to give her milk, sometimes ask her "Do you want the Frozen cup or your pink cup?" etc.
-so give choices.
-teach morals & kindness.
-teach them how to help others
-how to help themselves
-to plan for their future
-have family talks around the dinner table on what is kind, what is expended from each person of the household.
Again, you can strike a balance. It's ok to want a different upbringing for your child than you hand.
Teach. Model. Be kind. Show appreciation (to military, peace officers), help others in need, donate to a good cause.

Well, for starters they are not too young to have chores. They can clean up their rooms and put their toys away. If they don't, then take the toys and don't buy more. My SD used to break her CDs and I refused to buy her any. I said simply, "I work hard for my money. I don't want to waste it on something you don't care enough about." If they have things they do not use, donate them. Keep big ticket items for big events (birthdays) and don't give them phones or high-end electronics just because they ask. Make them earn it, by age and maturity and maybe with their own money. When my DD leaves the TV on or wastes her lunch, I ask her if I should take her tooth Fairy money and throw it in the trash. She says no. I say, "You throw away my money when you waste your food." She's 6 and might not really understand how many dollars go into a meal, but she understands losing something she cares about.

The flip side is I try to teach her compassion for others. Buy that bag of food at the grocery store when they do a collection for the food bank. Donate to the Children's Hospital. Adopt a Family. Give money to a charity of your choosing.

If she does things like not appreciate her cup, she can do without. Let her scream - alone in her room. If she doesn't like her presents, pack them up to donate or return. If she doesn't like her bed simply say that's the bed she has. She isn't getting a new one. Sometimes if you give a child too many choices, they want it all vs being able to pick one. If you are firm and say, "One or none" and mean it, she will learn that she doesn't get to ask for two. Screaming children get none.

You might find books like How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, Love and Logic or 1, 2, 3 Magic will have tips you can use. Something to consider is that you will NOT always be liked, but you must be the parent and you must be in charge. You and your spouse. It is not just that they have a lot. It is that whining and crying and fussing and screaming work for them. I left my 4 yr old home on NYE a couple of years ago because I needed her to know we were serious that her behavior was not going to a party.

Part of this is just their ages. Kids have no concept of the big picture. But it's great you're working on this. Just find a happy medium and say no sometimes. Start talking about money and how much things cost. Doesn't matter if you can afford it all. Pretend you can't. In terms of not having much growing up influencing your hard work, I've seen it work both ways. Kids who grow up poor and have no ambition and kids who grow up rich yet work so hard. A good friend is very wealthy and has spoiled her kids in many ways. One is the stereotypical spoiled rich kid. Other one works her butt off to make excellent grades. Go figure... But seems safer to not spoil and make sure you're teaching lessons, not just entertaining them.

I suggest you read 2-3 stories every night from the "Chicken Soup for the Kid's Soul" book with your kids. I think these books teach empathy and start really great conversations about topics such as being grateful etc.

I can tell you love your children very much, but yes, now you have to teach them to value what they have. Since Christmas is coming up, this is a good time to start. I agree with other posters to get rid of much of their stuff. They have too much. Do not buy little things for them during the year. Talk to them about how there are kids who do not have anything. Show them. Volunteer with them. Many people do only 3 gifts per child at Christmas. Talk to them about why. Talk to the grandparents about this so that they do not go overboard with gifts as well. Definitely start with chores around the house. Have a hand broom and dustpan stored at their level to clean up spills they make. They can empty and put away the silverware when the dishwasher is clean. They can set the table. They can clean up their own toys. Make their beds. Dirty clothes in their hamper. Make a chore list...you and their dad need to be strict about making them do these things. Have them help you put together Christmas boxes and donations for others and adopt a family at Christmas time. Talk to them about why you are doing this. When they are older go help out at a soup kitchen. Look for opportunities to help them learn how others live and how lucky they are. And definitely stop giving them so much. They need to start earning things themselves. My son has a personality where he just wants wants wants all the time. He always wants stuff. Once we started making him earn his own money and buy what he wants himself, he started learning. He realized, no I don't really want that toy....I want to save this money and earn a little more so I can get this other thing. He was an only child till he was 5 (when his sister was born). I think we spoiled him a bit and he was the only grandchild for my mom...so she spoiled him a LOT. She went way overboard. Stop giving your children so many things. Have more chores and rules....and start teaching them how lucky they are through charity, volunteering, etc.

Updated

I can tell you love your children very much, but yes, now you have to teach them to value what they have. Since Christmas is coming up, this is a good time to start. I agree with other posters to get rid of much of their stuff. They have too much. Do not buy little things for them during the year. Talk to them about how there are kids who do not have anything. Show them. Volunteer with them. Many people do only 3 gifts per child at Christmas. Talk to them about why. Talk to the grandparents about this so that they do not go overboard with gifts as well. Definitely start with chores around the house. Have a hand broom and dustpan stored at their level to clean up spills they make. They can empty and put away the silverware when the dishwasher is clean. They can set the table. They can clean up their own toys. Make their beds. Dirty clothes in their hamper. Make a chore list...you and their dad need to be strict about making them do these things. Have them help you put together Christmas boxes and donations for others and adopt a family at Christmas time. Talk to them about why you are doing this. When they are older go help out at a soup kitchen. Look for opportunities to help them learn how others live and how lucky they are. And definitely stop giving them so much. They need to start earning things themselves. My son has a personality where he just wants wants wants all the time. He always wants stuff. Once we started making him earn his own money and buy what he wants himself, he started learning. He realized, no I don't really want that toy....I want to save this money and earn a little more so I can get this other thing. He was an only child till he was 5 (when his sister was born). I think we spoiled him a bit and he was the only grandchild for my mom...so she spoiled him a LOT. She went way overboard. Stop giving your children so many things. Have more chores and rules....and start teaching them how lucky they are through charity, volunteering, etc.

I grew up extremely poor. I have worked very hard to make something of myself and to provide my kids with everything I didn't have. Then I woke up and decided that I was setting them up for failure. My kids are 7, 9, 10. We are giving them $10 a week each and told them they will have to buy their own stuff. It has been going very well. If they want a pack of gum, they pay for it. If they want a toy, they pull out their money. They have learned so much and have really learned the value of a dollar. To earn this money they have chores and have to behave kindly to each other, do their school work with no hassle, and anything else I come up with to earn that money.

I always have and a rule about treating toys respectfully. If my kids don't take care of something, I take it away. Luckily it only happened once.

I also have a rule about presents. If they whine or act mad about a gift, they don't get anymore. I would never tolerate a kid getting "madder" when opening gifts. I would start having talks NOW about how they need to behave during xmas gift opening.

There is still time, good luck.

First, the fact that you see the error your situation is great. It would be different is you said your SIL, friends, or their teachers pulled your coat tail on this.

1. Give chores
2. no allowance, they are already privileged
3. Only one toy and one outfit each this Christmas
4. No toys or clothes unless for a birthday or Christmas or back to school

spending time with them does not spoil them. they will remember these times when they grow up and have their own kids.
as for not appreciating all they have, it's never too late to backtrack. give them chores, and start taking things away as punishment for poor behavior. kids are quick learners. they will soon see the earth has stopped moving around them :)