I have been thinking about posting this for days, and it is sort of moot now, but I am dying to know your thoughts.
I have a Father in Law (FIL) that is sweet as pie but single and a little lonely. Over the T-giving holiday, I hosted dinner and he came. At the end of the night, as all the guests were leaving, I noticed my FIL oddly lingering around. My son asked, "will you be staying longer?" to which he replied, "Yes, let me get my bag." He then went to his car to retrieve an overnight bag. I was surprised -- I had no idea that he intended to stay the night, and neither did my husband. I had to quickly clean the guest bathroom and bedroom; and I was so tired, I was not in the mood at all for that! The next day, he ended up spending the entire day with us. He watched football and went shopping. I was looking to use that day to rest, since I had not had a day off from work for almost 3 weeks. I was looking forward to a day of talk shows, leftovers, and walking around in my PJ's. But I did not felt I could really be that comfortable in my home whiile I still had a guest.
I spoke to my husband about it, and we are both in agreement that what FIL did was inappropriate. He should have informed us that he would like to stay the night and next day with us. We would have not said no, but still, it is nice to know ahead of time and be prepared. In the past, our FIL has done stuff similar to this; although he would never stay overnight without warning like he did this time -- he often would state his intention to stay without really asking, and often on very short notice. This has always bothered me, and always I ask for my husband to talk to his dad, and always, he would say he would but for whatever reason, he actually never ends up doing it. I tried to just not make a big deal out of if -- I mean, back then, we were without children, and we allowed many friends and family to stay overnight. But now that we have a kid and are expecting another, unanticipated borders at our house are really inconvenient for us, and we would like to know! It seems that everyone has gotten the message without us needing to actually say anything -- except for my FIL.
I don't want to force the issue with my husband -- he says that he thinks his dad is lonely and wants the company. But, I also no longer want to send the message that everyone and anyone is welcome at any time for any reason. After all, this is our home. I would like for my husband to have a sensitive talk with his dad and simply state to him that if he would like to stay over, could he give us several days notice if able?
What would you do?
Thanks moms for all the advice. I want to point out that we do invite FIL often for all sorts of events. He is over at least once every 6 weeks or so. And, I did not mention it at first but the relationship with my husband and FIL is very formal -- he really behaves more like a guest than like family because he did not raised my husband (he was sort of an absentee dad in his day and he is tryihg to make up for it now, my husband is accomodating but that does alter the way we relate to each other in a big way) -- so, no, while I would think nothng of lounging around in PJ's if it were, say, my uncle, becuase of the way my son and his dad relate to each other, it is very different. Additionally, my FIL behaves more like a guest, often refusing to even retreive a glass of OJ from the fridge himself, instead insisting that my husband or I get it for him. It does make for a more uncomfortable interaction than if it was a family member who my son knew and grew to love all his life, like a more traditional father son relationship. Still, I agree with the moms that next time we do invite him, we can ask ahead of time whether he intends to stay the night. I would be satisfied with that. I enjoy his company, I just want to know ahead of time so I can feel prepared. I can't see how that would hurt someone's feelings -- I mean, everyone on my side of the family follows this request. I don't understand why can't he.
You have a right to feel the way you do, but in my opinion family is different than just any guest. Notice should be given, and it would not be impolite for hubby to ask for notice next time, but at my home family is always welcome, no need to ask, that is the point of being in a family!
Talking to hubby isn't going to help, because it's obvious hubby WON'T talk to FIL. If someone is going to do the talking, you'll need to do it.
Do you ever just invite FIL over? Not for a holiday or get togehter, but a simple would you like to join us for dinner Sunday evening?
For me, this would not be a problem. My door is always open. FIL is
lonely and obviously enjoys your company and his grandchild. He won't
be here forever. If you know he is coming over, ask if he plans on
spending the night. Communication goes a long way.
I know that you may not want to hear this. My husband would give anything in the whole world to have his dad stay the night. He lost his dad last year. His father was only 66 yrs old, my husband 33. You really do not know how long you have with family. If it is only here and there can you try and not worry too much. Please dont put your husband in the position to hurt his dads feelings. Someday he will regret doing that.
There is no reason you or your husband can't say, "Dad, even though we're really getting busy around here with kids etc, we LOVE having you. Just PLEASE give us notice next time so we can be prepared for your visit. It's the new rule around here with all over night guests, not just you."
He probably wants to ask, but feels too weird to impose, so ends up imposing anyway with no notice since he's "family" because he's lonely. Make him feel welcome while setting the rule.
You write that your husband "thinks his dad is lonely and wants the company" and I think your husband is right.
Really, you yourself say you would not have said "no" anyway so what's the difference? I'll tell you what it would have been for me, had it been my FIL and my home. It was the stress you put on yourself by "cleaning the spare bathroom and bedroom" and assuming you couldn't still do your p.j.'s and talk shows while he was there.
I'm like you and cringe at the thought of someone sleeping on unchanged sheets or using a "dirty" bathroom, but he probably wouldn't have even noticed had you NOT knocked yourself out and spent the day resting. Seriously.
If I were you, I wouldn't push the issue with your hubby. Would you be more flexible had it been your mom or dad? This is his son's house and I think it's cool that he feels welcome enough to do that.
First of all he is not a 'border' or a 'guest' - he is your husband's father.
What would I do? Since my father is no longer alive - I would say let my FIL stay anytime he wants!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Goodness gracious, he raised your husband and gave up years for him, I think you guys could share some of your time with him. I mean really what did you give up? A day in your pj's and watching TV. In the big picture, what is more important? I mean egads, the man is lonely and you are his family.
I really don't mean to sound so harsh but I lost my father and both paternal grandparents in a three year span. I would give anything to have one more day with them and/or have gone over to their house to see them just one more time.
To put a reverse spin on this - how would you feel if your kids were posting the same issue about you when you are older and in the a similar position.
Be careful what you ask for - he won't be around at all one day.
Well I totally understand where you are coming from... but it brought back memories.. .of my Dad (who passed away 10 years ago).... and he was with us in our home.... we took care of him. He was ill etc.
BUT... he too was lonely. Because once a person is sick... I have learned that many people/friends/family... will not call nor come and visit nor treat the 'ill' person like they are still valued. My Dad's friends... barely made any effort to visit him etc. It was sad. We were all he had... in in his condition. My Dad, was someone that did TONS for other people and out of charity. When he became ill... people vanished... found no use for him.
Sad. I still sometimes feel the heartache... for my Dad... seeing his dejected face... as he sat there... trying to phone his friends, but him getting the brush off.
My point is... loneliness... is very hard to palate. It is very very isolating... and if your FIL does that... it is because he is profoundly lonely. You could help him by getting him to join senior groups etc. So that he has a life and his OWN activities.....
Your Husband... is just afraid to hurt your FIL's feelings. That is normal.
All you need to do, is speak to FIL... and say that IF he stays there.... your lives/schedule goes on. AND you are expecting a baby... it will be VERY busy and stressful... and not easy. FIL is an adult... so speak to him like an adult... but lovingly. AND with 'respect'... toward him.
Perhaps, you AND your Husband, sit down with FIL... and speak to him... heart to heart.... and that you need a head's up.... but he is FAMILY... don't brush him off.... just set up some common courtesy about it.
MANY Seniors... who are alone or Widowed... go through this. I have a profound empathy for Seniors... having seen first hand, what my Dad went through. They get lonely... and loneliness... is something that is very hard.
all the best,
Susan
Let him stay whenever. Soon, he will be gone and won't be here to stay over. He's a lonely old man who sounds desperate. Why not just ask him in the future when you invite him over, if he plans on staying the night. Besides, it's good for your kids to be around grandpa! What would you want your kids to do when you become old and lonely?
I would be thankful he is with you and I would tell him my door is always open to him.
Well, I completely understand where you are coming from. And yes, bless his heart, it does sound like he's very lonely. If this is a rare occasion, say just the holidays, I think I would probably just grin and bear it. Because really, all of our parents are getting up there in age and at some point they won't be around anymore. I bet your son really like grandpa staying over (what a treat). I agree with you, I think it's perfectly fine for your husband to ask him in advance if he'd like to stay the night. Then you're all prepared.
Well, he should give you notice, but have y'all ever actually invited him? Poor old guy -it would probably make him feel really good to actually be invited to stay over. If it's not going to be a good time, then maybe your husband could let him know far in advance. I also second asking him over for dinners or on some outings sometime -just because! Look at it from his perspective -you're his only family. When he goes home on a holiday night -it's a cold and empty home.
My mom is a widow, she is also very lonely, and we are the only ones really there for her as well. Instead of making him feel unwelcome when you say something, just let him know gently, "In the future, if you would like to stay over, please talk it over with us first so we can make arrangements needed and see if our schedule is clear the following day." Then, be sure to have him over a lot, just to hang out even.
My mom started to guilt trip us and be passive aggressive and I had to sit down with her and say, "Would you rather be invited over because we truly wanted you there, or because you layed a guilt trip on us? We love you and want to spend time with you, but you have to respect our space as well and when we do hang out, you will know it's because we truly want to spend time with you."
Also, think of your fil as not a guest you have to entertain. You can still go shopping have a laid back and casual day, take a nap after turkey leftover lunch... especially if he is there watching the game. Try not to feel obligated to entertain him or put on a show, he doesn't care about that, so try not to yourself. He's just wants to feel in a warm and comfortable and inviting place and casually hang out with the family.
A bit more notice is not unreasonable.
If he's on the lonely side, see what you can do to get him involved in some seniors activities.
Given that he's "sweet as pie" and you both know he's lonely, you can probably work this out.
A thought if you think he'd feel sad if he was asked to give notice: "Dad, we'd like to have you stay over MORE often than you do and we REALLY like it when we can do something special when you're here - just us and you. Especially now that you are going to have another grandchild! We want to plan for it. Can you come again on X date?"
Would that fly? If he's lonely, I bet he'd love this.
Welcome to the "sandwich generation"!
he probably really wants you to invite him, do you ever? I know it can be frustrating but you have to put yourself in his shoes. Just plan a night once a month that he can stay the night(1st saturday of the month or whatever), so you know when it is and can expect that weekend to be FIL weekend. He will feel important and can look forward to it, and you can have notice. then try to invite him over once a week for family dinner night middle of the week so he knows you have work in the morning and he can't stay.
good luck, seems like he would be very sad to be told he needs to give notice and ask permission to stay with his son and his family. (although I completely understand that desire to do so, just seems it needs to be more delicate than that).
Hope it works out to make everyone happy!
I would expect your hubby to talk to his Dad. I don't think you are wrong to want notice and I agree you didn't have to loose your day off to have your fil over.
I find it kind of amazing how often this type of question appears on this web site. It hasn't happened to me yet. It also seems to frequently involve parents or in-laws, who no longer have kids at home. I'm thinking they've all "forgotten" how difficult it can be on a family to rearrange their routines in order to accommodate unexpected overnight guests. Just an observation, for whatever it's worth.
That being said, I would have been pissed to have my day off taken hostage like that, and probably would not have been very gracious about it, so kudos to you for handling it better than I would have.
Does your FIL live near you? You did point out that your FIL is lonely. I agree with those who have said that maybe you could invite him over more often, etc. I'm dealing with that kind of stuff with my own mom now. Also if he lives near you, maybe you could research some clubs, etc that he might be interested in and then tell him about them. Or, I guess you could do that even if he doesn't live near you.
As far as unexpectedly wanting to stay the night, ask him when you invite him over if he'll be bringing an overnight bag, so you'll know ahead of time. Or tell him when you invite him that you can't wait to see him but just in case he was thinking about it, it wouldn't be a good time for him to stay the night.
One more thought just popped into my head; how old is he? Any chance he's worried about driving at night and just doesn't want to admit it?
My thoughts were that he just figured he was invited since he was invited for the holiday. Sounds like you need to ask him next time he's invited to see if he plans on staying a few days or just for dinner.
"Hey Dad, we're having Christmas dinner on XX at XXpm we'd like for you to come. Are you going to stay for the weekend or just for dinner?"
This is your husbands dad. He probably wanted to spend time with you all. How can you say what you want your husband to say nicely. No matter how nice that is said he will be hurt. I would give a million plus to have my dad walk in and say I am staying over. But he passed away a while ago. My door would have been open anytime. Announced or unannounced! My dad used to barge in and ask for lunch stay awhile, use the bathroom and leave. We used to laugh all the time when he did that, he did it to all of us. HIs way of saying hey I want to see you guys! I was pregnant and had two little ones and my dad and mother showed up unannounced! I was tickled pink........I loved every minute of it. Yes it was rushing around getting them situated, I was tired, but happy as hell! He might feel that he is family that he is always welcome to stay. Maybe the reason your husband is not saying anything is that he is really happy to see his dad and have him stay for a whole day.
