Have you ever had an emotional reaction to something/someone that just swooped in on you?
I'm at a fast food play area with my kiddo, who's happily playing. There's a family with 3 kids also, plus a bunch of other people. Young boy (3-4) crying - not the injured cry, but he was just SO unhappy. Chewing on his fingers, trying to play, but So SAD or frustrated or something the whole time. He got upset when his older brother (maybe 7-8) was playing with him. He got mad at another kid his same age, was pushing him away - of course the parents waited till he pushed the kid down, they were all talking and maybe "used" to him being upset? So he has to have time out with mom/dad, other person. But he's still crying and sad and chewing. I'm getting worried at this point that he's in pain or something, so I ask them if I can go get him something cold for his teeth if he's teething. Mom says he's ok, that it's a nervous habit he does all the time (at 3-4?). He then scoots around the booth to mom (almost slips under the table but I caught him), and curls up with her and stops crying.
I went back to my seat, for about 30 seconds, and then I had to excuse myself to the bathroom because I was going to start crying! I felt like a complete wacko. I'm pretty sure I was identifying with this kiddo - I started biting my nails before I was even in school. I don't remember much of my childhood because our house was SO tense and unhappy. It took me probably 5 minutes or so to stop crying and be presentable.
The mom came into the bathroom and basically shared her story - cheating husband, now WITH the girlfriend who was there as well. Kids in the middle. Dad dropping the ball everywhere. the 4 year old just doesn't know which way is up, and mom can't afford counseling. I suggested she call the school district, thinking they may be able to at least point her in a helpful direction.
I've never had this happen before. I've had the mama-bear thing go off (which it did a little), but this sad-attack was unexpected. I'm guessing I felt just like this kid when I was around his age and it pushed a big, old, dusty emotional button unexpectedly.
Has anyone ever experienced anything like this?
The Mom just needed to vent.
And it was to a stranger.... you. Because, she probably sensed that you cared.
So just feel good that a complete stranger, could "vent" to you.
What a sad life that woman has. To say the least.
And her kids, are in a very sad and precarious position and getting messed up by it.
So, it is GOOD that you suggested she call the school district to get some help. Maybe she will do that.
You are so sweet.
Working in schools, your heart breaks for kids all the time. Some kids have it really tough. It's nice you were there for the mom to share to.
Hi P.,
What a hard thing to witness.... I'm so sorry.
Not to sound cold or clinical, but it sounds like you have been re-traumatized. Sometimes, even when we've done a LOT of work around some painful areas/events in our lives, we get surprised with feelings we thought were gone. Some things- random things we can least expect--can trigger us deeply.
Yes, it's happened to me, both as a very violent emotional response (not that I became violent, it was that the experience of being re-traumatized felt violently scary) and as long-term experience elicited by continued interactions with a person over a period of time. The former- that sudden, shocking feeling- it emotionally hijacked me for a short time. I had a pretty profound terror response and needed to go back to talk with my counselor about processing this, separating fear from reality (which I already knew but needed reassurance of) -- that one moment happened quite a few years ago but I won't ever forget it. The longer exposure was more on the 'annoying and concerning and deeply frustrating' side, but had a very significant consequence on my present day's life choices-- in examining this longer, more drawn out re-traumatization, I decided to choose a different path for myself than one I'd been on for a long, long time. Frankly, I am really grateful that I had the room to make that decision, and my husband has been very supportive.
Sometimes those chemicals in the brain just sort of hijack us in the moment and it is such an overwhelming feeling of helplessness. You could identify with this poor little boy because you had once been that sweet, scared little girl and have a sense-memory of it. You are likely at peace with this part of yourself for the most part, but there is the chance that you could be triggered at times. I know that working through my own past (which includes a PTSD diagnosis for events from my childhood) was helpful overall, and along with cognitive behavioral therapy, significantly reduced the power of most triggers to get to me in the present day. It's like building a good suit of armor that's healthy to wear and light on the wearer-- but there may be chinks in the armor, here and there, too.
Remember how much you have overcome in your life, how you have not let your past hold you back, but have striven to create a good life for yourself and your family in the present. Loving ourselves wholly, even as flawed individuals (hey, I still bite my nails from time to time!), is a day by day exercise. How much empathy and love must you have had-- not only for that little boy, but also for that sweet, helpless girl you once were, too. Loving and caring for those hurt aspects inside ourselves is brave-- you are feeling it, not shutting it down. The mere fact that you were able to then listen to the mother without judgment, without having an anger reaction at her-- it's probably the nicest thing interaction she's had in a while. She is hurting and likely feeling very sad and helpless for her kid as well. She may have very low coping skills right now. You didn't judge her, you just listened-- not everyone who has a response like yours would have been able to give that to her. You did a beautiful thing, P..
I'd encourage you that if you are still feeling troubled about this, to go and talk to someone you trust or a good counselor. I know these responses can leave us feeling shaken and unsettled. Know that you will feel back to normal in a few days as the chemicals which come from these feelings dissipate and your usual body chemistry kicks in.
sorry this is so lengthy... but, many hugs to you. I wish you peace and for you to feel your own strength as someone who has endured so much and come out of it as a good mom and better person. Be kind to yourself in the coming days and know that so many of us have these reactions-- you did beautifully.
I love all the kids too. Wish I could save them all.
Lovely post.
Merry Christmas!
<3
ooh man!! that sucks!! why do the kids get the short end of the stick?
I don't know if I could have held my tongue after she told me her story. I would have had to bite my tongue REALLY hard to NOT comment to the B**CH/WH**E and scum bag dad. I'm sorry for those kids...they deserve better than that!!
To answer your question - have I been affected by things I've seen/witnessed? Yes...and I find it hard NOT to comment or speak my mind! (surprised?? LOL!!)
Yes - I tend to sometimes be blindsided by visceral reactions to things. I try to channel that feeling into something productive if I can but sometimes, all I can do it try to not cry in public and go do it privately.
Last week at work instead of a traditional holiday gathering, my team worked at the local food pantry for 2 hours and then went out for some apps and a drink after. The work at the food pantry was great, but I was struck by the complete lack of some items and it just made me really, really sad. There were 2 bottles of salad dressing in the whole place, and no pancake syrup at all - lots of pancake mix, but none of the syrup that makes it yummy! Lots of pasta, but no pasta sauce (there were many canned tomato products from which to make sauce if you have some seaosinings, but no "open the jar and serve" sauces). So I bought 6 each of pasta sauce, syrup, dressing and other things they don't have enough of (like sugar) and am bringing them in this week, as if I personally will solve the shortage. There will be pancake syrup, damn it!
Also I was shopping on Friday night at Wal-Mart, where I really try to tune out the sub-par parenting on display. Well in the electronics section, I came across a cart that had a large box and a toddler - maybe 12 or 14 months old - in the main section of the cart. The kid wasn't strapped into the front, just squatting in the back. Well he was standing up and *arching his back out of the back of the cart* repeatedly. This kid was going to back dive head first onto the floor any second. I positioned myself near him to catch him if he launched himself out of the cart. Then I looked around to see who is with him and 10 feet away, on the other side of the box so they can't see him, is an entire family - looked like a mom and dad, an older relative, and two children who were at least 10 years old - SITTING at the electronics counter talking to a sales person about whatever they were buying. NOT ONE of them had eyes on this baby. I called out "is this your baby? Because he's ready to fall out of your carriage!" and the mom came over, looked annoyed that someone had bothered her, and started chastizing the baby for not staying still. I couldn't just walk away and stopped to say "he's a toddler and couldn't have fallen on his head. You need to properly restrain him in the front of the cart with the straps or hold him and WATCH HIM at all times. You can't just park you kid and leave him on his own!" I was so mad I was shaking. I really wanted to throttle all of them. The thought of that poor kid just being ignored by everyone really, really bothered me.
Sounds like this just struck a nerve with you - it would have upset me too. I can't tell you how many times I'm grocery shopping and see a crying kid and just want to go and pick him or her up and give love and hugs and kisses until I get a giggle and a smile, like I do with my own kids. Obviously I don't act on that impulse LOL you know the parent is at the end of his or her rope too and I just want to offer a hand (hey let me carry your baby for you while you shop!) but that would be weird.
It happens to me frequently-I can't stand the way most people treat their children-
It happens to me all the time. I'm one of those "sensitives", and I have to purposely step back from certain situations so I don't take on other people's "stuff" as if it were mine and so I don't act on it.
It's not my place to act on or intervene in their lives--as they are theirs to walk through--but I do use the knowledge to pray specifically for their situations. I dont' try to pray it into any one direction, as that would consist of my judging what it should look like and seeking a specific outcome. Instead, my prayer is always for peace and that they learn whatever they are meant to learn in a way that it least painful.
I would have been emotional too. Who wouldn't be touched by a little boy who was just so sad he didn't even want to play at McDonald's? And whose parents weren't even trying to comfort him, but waiting until he was so upset and frustrated that he pushed another child and they punished him?
My heart would have been breaking. You did the right thing when you were talking to the mom by suggesting a school counselor for her children.
My heart goes out to mama.
