What Would You Think?

Hummm, He totally sounds like a sweet kid. I smile at your story, some kids will feel no remorse at there actions, My sone is a lot like your's and I honestly Never punish him for telling the truth, sometimes life punishes enough, we as moms get to be the supporter in there little lives.
My son stole a car from a grocery store about 2 years ago.
He was so bothered by it, he danced around telling me but I could tell something was up. And honestly, I knew something was going to happen before it did because of the look on all the kids faces that wanted to go to the store (with out adults) in the first place, but being a Love and Logic mom, I understand the Road to wisdom is paved in pain and mistakes. I just hope and prayed he'd make that mistake and prayed even more he'd feel guilty over it.
Well it indeed happened and he felt horrable.
When he started to talk, it was the same thing, "Mom, will you get mad at me if I tell you the truth?". I re-assure him I will not get upset.
So when he began to tell me, he too only said so much and didnt want to talk anymore, so I repeated what he had said so he felt listened too and I told him "well.. I love ya and I'm here for ya when your ready to talk more", with in a few minutes, he bursted out with the whole truth, I was so touched that he felt guilty, I didnt need to be upset, he was and that's all that mattered, so I said "wow, thats rough, what are you going to do about it?" He said "I dont know" I asked him "would you like to hear what other kids have tried?" he said "yeah" so I started off with some awful ideas like "some kids steel even more stuff because they got away with it once" or "Some kids just forget about it and play with the toy" and then asked him how that would work for him, he said "I cant do that" (Yeah, I was glad to hear that) then I got to the better ideas like "Some kids go talk to the manager and tell them what they did, some kids take back the stolen item and throw it back on the shelf, or Some kids go pay for the item" then again asked how that would work for him. He hated those ideas too. I patted him on the back and said "well, let me know what you decide".
1 full year later, my son couldn’t even go shopping with me at that store because of his guilt, so he picked out a cashier whom he felt he could trust, told her what he did and paid for the .79 cent car he stole. I was so proud.

I know I'm giving you quite the story, but what I want to say is that maybe there is something more going on at the daycare that you need to talk to the providers about, but also maybe your son just isn’t feeling very proud of his actions, that doesn’t make him bad or something wrong with him, that makes him good and something right with him, You are so lucky, you still have such a sweet little angel.

I started with Love and logic when my son was 5, he's 12 now and making some really good decisions because he knows that the decisions he makes doesn’t make mom and dad mad, but because they affect the quality of his life.
It’s like I heard once, we don’t get punished for our poor decisions, but our poor decisions punish us. And if we can learn how to enforce natural consequences with our children with lots of love and empathy, they will learn more and will have that trust with us, and we get to be the good guy :)

BTW: The kids that stole items at the store, I never told there parents because I made a promise to my son to keep it between the two of us, but just last summer guess what, the oldest of the kids got busted for shop lifting, that showed my son that for one, I don’t need to tell on them for them to get caught, and for two, if my son chose that life style, he'd be in as big a trouble with the authorities as this kid is, makes my son even more grateful for doing the right thing.

Good luck with your sweet little man.

Hi C.-
I took my mommy hat off to answer this and placed on my counselor hat. As I see it from your writing is that your son is most likely looking for a response. He is mad that this little girl is always around him and wanted to see what happened to her once he did something about it. He also is 5, he is learning about power and strength. He is exploring that. He is learning that he has control over someone littler then him. As a counselor I am advising you to watch it closely. This is where and when bullying behavior can start. Also, do what you are doing, continue to not punish him for telling the truth. I would ask him questions about his feelings. Did it make you feel better when you pushed her? Does it feel good to do something you know is wrong?
Next, talk to your daycare provider. Is he or she seeing this behavior and doing anything about it?
Now I need to put my mommy hat back on... love him so much!! Take a few minutes everyday just for him (trust me I know it hard!!) to let him know how proud of him you are. And remind him that he too was a baby and needed lots of help. Maybe get him more involved with his littlest sibling so he knows why they are bothering him. With our middle one we talk a lot about how he is so cool that his little sister wants to do what he does, just like does with his older sister.
Good luck!

Hi C.,
If I am understanding correctly all he did was push her. Why did he get so upset about it. Kids push each other all the time (not that it's ok). Where was the daycare worker? What was her take on it. I would think there may be something else going on if he was so worked up about it. I don't know what but something. Was he punished to severe? I would talk to the daycare and see what happened. Good luck.
Chris

I would talk to his day care provider and see what she has to say. Is he emotional and "not himself" while there too? I would assume she would have mentioned to you by now if he was having a rough time while there. Does the day care provider know he pushed this child off the bed? Is there anything else new or different in his life that maybe he is acting out against? Does he feel "left out" at home because you may be tending to the baby more? I know it sounds silly but kids actually act out when something is different in their routine or life. They may not be able to communicate this to you, so their way of letting you know something is wrong. I would just make a concious effort to let him know you love him no matter what, and spend a few extra minutes of "just you and him" time..

Couyrtney,

I always try to recall how I felt and reacted at that age--weird, I know. Yet the only time I acted as your son has was when I did something that my Mom expressly forbid--crossing the street without an adult watching, going into a neighbor's yard to look at the pool without an adult, leaving the house without telling anyone. I was convinced for years that a bolt of lightning was going to strike me dead for the pool incident because I didn't tell my Mom until I was twenty four and she laughed so hard she nearly choked to death. There was one incident when I accidentally struck my best friend's sister with my swing--she ran under the swing before I was able to stop, and she required stitches. I had just been thinking what a pain she was and before I knew it, boom! I felt so guilty, like it was my fault because I though something bad, and I was sure the mother would never let me play with Mary Beth again--I was shocked when I saw that neither the baby nor the mother blamed me.

Maybe something similar has happened to your son. He's done something he knows, or thinks, you or the babysitter will be really angry about--maybe broken some rule he's expect to follow concerning a baby. Maybe he's broken another, bigger rule that involves his own safety--and he's telling you about a less serious infraction to test your reaction. Or he might have been thinking what a pain this little girl is and then she was injured. He may have been thinking about what a pain his sister is when this little girl was hurt. Sometimes cause and effect is a little skewed in kids--and they believe that thinking something makes that thing happen. Sometime just having hostile and angry thoughts can frighten a more sensitive child.

You don't mention whether you like or trust your babysitter, or if communication with her is open or strained. I would ask her how he and the little girl get along, how he's been acting at her home, if he's broken any rules or been doing anything unusual, if she' gotten angry with him over some action, and if the other little girl has been hurt recently.
Although I was no means a weeper, I do remember crying about something I had done wrong but also refusing to name my crime. The time I painted the neighbors car windows, I cried a bit but said nothing and just avoided the neighbors for weeks--the only reason my mother found out was because she asked the neighbor why I was avoiding him. It doesn't hurt to ask--just don't expect your son to answer. And if your babysitter acts strangely at your questionings, you may want to look for another sitter.

Good luck!

I would talk to your daycare provider and find out what is going on- it sounds like he maybe is feeling overlooked there and looking for the providers attention.

Also look at ways to help him verbalize his frustration instead of acting out. it is great that he is telling you, and i would guess more will come out. He needs to feel secure in telling you want is going on, so be very careful on punishing him.

I have worked with my 5 year old to verbalize instead of acting out, you can always tell with her when something is happeing b/c she will come home in a bad mood and be a royal pain. It is helping and I have noticed greater response in her to me holding her and not even asking waiting for her to talk to me about it.

I would definatly start with the providr. I am suprised that if this is going on that you have not heard about it from them- that is alarming to me- it leads me to think something more is going on.

S.