Unappreciated Mother

You are letting him. I do it too, all my kids have ADHD. In public you want them to be seen as good kids so you follow up on the bad behavior, at home no one is watching. Over time it teaches the child the behavior is acceptable at home but not out in public. It is not that they are manipulative or trying to get by with something, they see it only as you discipline one way in public and one way in private and adapt their behavior around that.

So far as the family time goes you are asking them to give up something they like for something they don't just to be doing things as a family. That isn't fun. Sit down with them and ask what they would like to do outside of the house. You would be surprised how many things they come up with.

I also played video games with my kids. My son always said, with a certain amount of pride, oh don't worry my mom can beat that level. :)

He's not acting like a teenager. It's typical 8 yr old boy behavior. They go from being sweet little lovely creatures who will cuddle with mom and go along with everything to those eye rolling, I don't want to do that now, why do I need to wash my hands guys in the blink of an eye. Do not fear for there is hope.

There are certain things that not up for discussion Continue to ask him to do the things all people must do; brush his teeth, shower, straighten up. When he complains remind him that are the chores everyone does so he needs to get them done.

As far as activities together; pick a day of the week where everyone is free and plan family activities for that day every week. In my household we always did something on Sunday afternoons. Usually it was something as simple as going for a hike in the woods. Other times it would be fairs or art gallery visits.

This is very personal and private, but if I think it may help you, I will share it. This was my exact scenario when I first married my second husband. My ADHD 7 yr. old was not in love with him like I was. He felt that he was the man of the house (he told me this much later) and very jealous. I let my husband dicipline him, but only to constantly but in to protect him. I believe that I seriously hindered their relationship. His own father was many miles away in reality and emotionally. If I could do it again, I would have had my husband be his friend first, and then if a relationship bloomed, he would have been more effective in dicipline. My son eventually went to live with his Dad at 14, which probably saved my marriage. Luckily, it was what he needed anyway, even if his bio dad wasn't the most perfect. To this day, I regret allowing him to dicipline right away.

Everytime he gives you a hard time, give him a consequence and it won't take long for him to stop. Or you can give him a chart and when he doesn't balk or complain, give him a star or mark that leads to a reward of some kind. Both have worked for us.

R.:

This is your first question - although you've been here for a long time!! WOW!!

You have a lot going on. I'm sorry - but this is something you are allowing to happen. You are the parent. Stop making excuses or being afraid of your son (you state you are being worn down)...stop anticipating a negative response and tell him how it will be.

I wouldn't try to appease my fiance. My son would come first.

I would have a serious talk with my 8 year old and start laying down the law - yeah - it will be hard - if you lose control now - when he is a teenager - you won't get it back. Don't make excuses for him because of his ADHD - he has proven on numerous occasions he knows how to behave since you get compliments on his behavior.

Turn off the electronics or find a game that you all can play together. I love LEGOs so I would get down on the floor and play with my boys. I do.

As to your fiance - you two need to be on the same page. Set rules for the house. Start making a family night a routine. Start making time for yourself and exert YOURSELF. Make them do chores - the M stands for Mommy not Maid.

simple answer: before you make your "request"....preface the request with a warning statement...."_____, I am going to give you an instruction. I want respect & no 'mouth' from you. If you do not treat me right, then there will be a consequence (be sure to name the consequence). Are you ready to be nice?" ....

Do this a couple of times, & then all you'll need to do is raise your hand (like a warning signal) to remind him of the need to be respectful. I'm serious, have the talk 1st....get him to understand his requirements & life will be easier. After a while, you'll be able to switch over to humor to get him to comply!

As for the rest of it, time for a "family conference". Time to let those men know that you want a different life. & I'm sorry....I don't believe that family time is gaming time. Gaming should be an occasional fun thing to do together...not with fiancee sitting on the game & your son doing something else. Nip this in the bud....or you'll be pulling the load solo.

I know many, many men who've lost themselves in the gaming world. Does your fiancee help with the household at all? Or does he simply work, eat, & play games? An important question to ask yourself.

I don't have experience with this, but your fiance is not his father, you are not married and he should NOT be disciplining your child. I don't understand why this is even happening. You need to discipline and your fiance needs to back you up, but you will always be the lead person on this because your husband is not the bio-dad. Once they have built a real relationship and it becomes natural for him to discipline as part of a living family, then ok, but NOT NOW.

They are male and are going to be different. He's not your baby anymore, so that's probably feeling awful. Puberty is just around the corner. Talk and work together as a family.

Ughh! yeah, I know the feeling, I know many times they don't do on porpuse but still.
I remember my daughter going through a short phase around that age, no sure if this is common or we are just the "lucky" ones, in my case it didn't last long and honestly I didn't even noticed when it pass, but she was her sweet self for a few years, now clothes to the 14 we are having it crawiling back.
Just last night I let her stay awake until she wanted, then today morning I wake her up to ask her for her jeans so I could wash them and she gave me the actitud! Really, after I let you sleep late and I am also watching your clothes and you give the actitud?! Grrrrrr!
In teh perfect world they would recognize AND show their appreciation on her own (without us asking for) but in my case I have to tell her "fake it until you feel it" (no sure if that is the way to say, lol.)
About the step dad, is hard. I married my husband when my daughter was little, and I didn't let him to discipline my daughter, which I think it was the right thing, however that at one point backfire me when years later he was still no discipline her and I was there alone, and of course when I say "hey, you have to" he said, "you told me not to", is being many years now from that and things now doesn't feel like step family any more, but it was hard to make the change and to decide how and all that, I don't really have an advice because I am not sure if my way was the best way, but I can tell you that the important is that he loves your kids, AND that your kids know that, all else it takes time to adjust and to find balance.
Oh, and there is also the old say of nobody knows what they have..., so perhaps one day you just become "so sick" and stop doing what you do for a week, maybe that would help too, wink, wink ;^)