Need Smart Tips for Blending Family.

Sounds like things are going very smoothly here and that the family is accepting you all and the integration is all ready underway.

It would probably be best if you do decide to marry and move in with each other, to talk to the children's father before hand so he will know whats going on and be able to be supportive of his children in this time. It wouldn't be fair if he got blindsided and could make things uncomfortable. Good communication is always important, and will be important for the children to see that you are able to handle things honestly and up front as well.

I have to get ready for work, so this wont be very long and drawn out. Just realize your b/f's family will probably be thinking things like "omg, he's getting strapped with 4 kids under the age of 9, is he crazy?" His parents will actually be cool with it, but any SIL's or BIL's might get catty/negative.
However, it sounds to me like you guys have a mature relationship going on and have not rushed any of this. I'm sure it will be fine. The above would be the worst case scenario, chances are he has a very loving and accepting bunch of family members. You are a successful business woman and a good "catch", it's not like he picked some needy gal thats a gold digger.
It sounds like his mom is dying for some grand kiddo's and is happier than a pig in mud about it.
As for your ex, just give him the change of address when you move. If he asks questions answer them honestly. It will probably change the dynamic of your relationship with him, but in time it will most likely all be fine.
Your B/F should treat the kids as any caring adult would, but leave most of the discipline up to you until you both reach agreements of exactly how you want to handle that. The children should treat him with respect as they would any other adult.
Gotta get ready for work now... It sounds like you might have a really great new set of inlaws, congrats!

You should give dad a heads up...just to say, "I want you to know what is happening in our children's lives".

You will undoubtedly hear "You're not my dad!" at least once. Your response should be something along the lines of "No, he's not your biological dad but he is my husband and your step-dad and you will show him the respect he deserves"....assuming you are married at the time.

I believe that any person who is in a serious relationship with someone who has kids should treat the kids as their own. Their family should do the same. Sounds like your BF's family is doing that, treat them as if they are your family if you plan on having a future with him. It is not fair to them or your kids if you don't.

I have a blended family...but we both had kids when we got together. Since he has no kids, I think it can go pretty smoothly. Just make sure your kids are around him a lot now. And you, whenever possible, need to be the one doing the discipline--not the bf/stepdad. Good luck!

this is the way my house is, although we both have kids that are blended from previous marriage's. First, you need to set your rules on dicipline he is and is not allowed to do, for ex: my husband and i perfer to let the other handle the dicipline with our own kiddo's-but allow if needed. if my daughter does something he wants my interference on when i'm not there, he'll text me and let my daughter see what i say her dicipline will be so i am diciplining her, not him and same vise verse. we both allow the kids from the previous marriages to call us what they want as long as it's respectful and they have to have the mother/father of the house respect, his kids call me by my first name or some some (youngest) if they are in trouble or start having respect issues then they have to address the step parent by sir or maam until the respect is back to our standards-we are still not MAKING them call the other mom or dad against their will. My daughter sometimes calls my dh dad or by his first name, more dad than his name, but they almost have a better relationship than i do with her---not a prob

We both make sure the kids from the previous marriages get that one on one time or take them to something special, just the parent and those kids. My husband and i will not allow the other to treat the stepkids as anything less than as they would their own child, THAT can be a huge challenge, especially when they rebel against you directly because your step mom/dad(read my previous posts) my daughter doesn't have an issue with that, but dh has been around since she was 3 and she has a daughter/dad relationship with him, better than she has with her bio dad so it makes it easier, i came in the picture when my step kids were 10 and 11 so it's harder for me plus under different circumstances, it looks as though i broke their home, but i did not, took time to convince them of that.

you both still need to agree on the dicipline for both the kids and you still need to NOT discuss the dicipline in front of them...i/we tell the child being diciplined to go to their room while we discuss it, then the bio parent will enforce it. This will give the step parent the feeling of still having say so, and the child wont feel as "invaded" but still understanding that both step and bio parent agree with the dicipline being given.

Something i ALWAYS allow the kids, is if they need amnesty (time to tell what's on their mind or what they've been doing without getting in trouble) has worked wonders in my house. Just last week my dh and i got a lot on the table by asking the other a question under amnesty and that helped a lot, we do this with the kids when playing family games so they get their feelings out and a lot came out of that one and we're in a "fun" time not, serious family talk time, makes it easier for them. My oldest step daughter flat out told me she hated me once and was scared that it would ruin our relationship or how i treated her, but relieved when i told her i expected it and was not mad at her for feeling that way.

it's all trial and error when blending steps into the picture, and its been easier for me to be their friend above all else, and sometimes they will confide in me and i have promised when they confide in me, it will be as friend and will ONLY tell dad when i feel like it's serious enough for parent intervention....and i give all kids time on the computer, they have journal that only THEY can read...this is great because it also helps them get out even that which they dont' want to tell even under amnesty but they still have a way to get out their anger in a healthy way. dh and i explained to them that if they start SERIOUSLY acting out, we will read it, but they are all doing good now.

Something else i have experienced is because my daughter is NOT blood line to dh's family, they do treat her differently, not as much during holiday's christmas but the rest of the year my sil took all her neices and nephew's that were under 18 clothes shopping EXCEPT for my daughter, my fil and mil go to activities for all their grandchildren EXCEPT for my daughter. thankfully my dh and i are on the same page and have been distancing ourselve's cause like me, WE are family and my daughter IS his daughter and he hates that they treat her differently, he had a convo with just her, asking how she felt, and flat out asked her, what he could do to make it easier for her, and she told him not to "make" her call and invite his mom (nan) to her activities ne more and well, we don't they didnt' know about her christmas program until they saw pics, and when mil got mad that we didn't invite her and started complaining to my 7 yr old daughter, he jumped in and stood up for her....was beautiful to see.

there's no real way around that just how YOU respond to it which can make all the difference in the world to the kiddos for him and you...if you let him or his family walk on your kids, you may not hear about their grudges against you or his family until they are grown (my mom and i are working through all that as we speak because she didn't stand when i STILL as an adult feel like she should've)

good luck and feel free to e-mail me if you like

Seems like you are looking for trouble where there isn't any. The kids and this guy's family has been getting to know each other for six months but you don't indicate how long boyfriend has known the kids. Doesn't really matter, I'm just curious.

It is wonderful you want to make a smooth transition but sometimes things don't work out exactly how we expected no matter how well we prepare.

From your account of things everything seems to be moving along fine. There is no real protocol for how you do this but being open and honest and upfront is important. As for the ex hubby, he only needs to know what he needs to know. I however won't recommend moving in with boyfriend unless there is a marriage on the table not just a promise of marriage down the road but an actual marriage having taken place.

Part of being a mom is making a stable environment for the children. Stable means partly being certain the children don't have men coming and going every 2-4 years. Since you have been dating mr. man for 2 years and everyone has met his family, it would seem that he should be asking for your hand in marriage. At the engagement stage is when I may let ex-hubby know this is what is happening but you know this man better than I and what he can or can't handle.

His family seems to be opening their hearts and homes to you and welcoming you. Don't be too cool or aloof but get to know them and let the celebrate your wonderful children. Children need to know they are special and loved by many and some of those many will and should be non-family members. You will need this village of people to help you raise the children into healthy and whole adults.

It is great to have some insight into what may be but don't be so preoccupied with that, that you miss the wonder of the great times you are having now and just how well you and the kids are being treated by everyone.

Honestly, it sounds like this is going really well! It is good that you are putting so much thought into it! I got divorced when my son was 4 and like you, we are cordial with my ex and his new wife, but not 'friends'. I also started dating a single man who did not have kids. We took it very slowly and his relationship with my son grew very naturally. We bought a house together 3 years ago and got married last year- my son was 10 and he gave me away and read a poem at the wedding!

As far as the ex goes- just a 'head's up' in case the kids say something about it is really all you need to do. He will most likely say " Well, congratulations, I hope it goes well' or something and that is that.

My MIL and FIL are a little standoffish as people- I was NOT who they were expecting their son to come home with! But they have really tried in their own way to reach out and also have always gotten my son presents, etc. since the 2nd year we dated.

I think you should just go on the way you have begun. If your fiance's family were not comfortable with the situation, they would not be acting the way they are- be happy! It sounds like they are happy for you and their son.

For the 'blending' - if you have not already, talk to your kids, together and individually, about how they feel like this 'new version' of the family should work. You and your fiance need to be absolutely on the same page about things like discipline, talking back, chores, etc. - the kids need to know that your fiancee deserves respect. Hopefully if they are all really fond of him already, they already will respect him too.

but also be sure your fiancee knows that respect is a two-way street and needs to be earned on both sides. He must love your kids as well as you or he would not be taking on 4 of them, lol! Encourage them to do things one-on-one together and don't hesitate to call 'family meetings' if issues come up.

He needs to know that his authority equals yours in the household- and so do the kids! I know that my husband was very hesitant to be the 'overbearing stepfather' and for a while after we moved and bought our house together (my son was 8 at the time) it still felt like all issues with my son were routed through me.

Finally I sat down and told him " I trust your decision making absolutely when it comes to my son. I believe that you and I understand each other and that you will make the correct choices if you need to discipline him or decide what he should eat, etc. He needs to see that I trust you to just do that- so you have my permission to go ahead and BE 'the dad'!"

That really was a huge turning point in our family- now my husband and son go on errands together, do chores together, etc. He has been the one at every parent-teacher conference, school concert, etc. They have established a loving, trusting relationship TOTALLY separate from me- and it is wonderful!

I did not mean to go on so long, but I want to show you that this can REALLY WORK and be the best possible thing for you and your children! Just last week at my son's school, they had to write letters to Santa for their family. My son wrote something about me, then wrote how much his dad loved to watch sports with him and asked Santa to bring him Bears Season Tickets (unlikely, I know, lol).

My ex could care LESS about sports and I saw my husband reading the letter and whispered to my son " Who was that for? Did you write that for your dad?" My son looked surprised and said " No- it's for Phil!" :) I almost started crying, I was so proud and happy.

Good luck and enjoy your 'new' family. It sounds like everything is going to be wonderful for you!!

If you continue on the path that you're on, I think you will be fine. Blending a family is not always easy, but with preparing a list of expectations from all involved, I believe will lead to a beautiful family.

The world is moving so fast and we tend to think things will just fall into place. We have to work on what we want. And if that's wanting a blended family then you have to take the time to add the mixture. That would be everyone involved and trying to make each other feel comfortable in a new environment.

If things are the way you say, I believe you will be find. Most importantly, block out the negativity, but still be prepared for it!

I am supporting Momma L on this one, definitely have a talk with your ex husband before moving in together with your bf, he is the father and has every right to know what goes on in his children's lives. I would NOT do it behind his back, I would give him time to adjust mentally to the new family his children have. Much better to prepare the ground before sowing! For the rest, you are doing great, it's wonderful that his family accepted you and your children right away and it's wonderful how thoughtful you are toward them. Congratulations!

Lucky you, you met such a nice person. I met a very nice man many years ago myself (had two children before and we couldn't have any together). Family was the same way, they were wonderful and look at our children as cousins, grandchildren, etc. I have now been married sixteen years and am still happy!! My children have grown, but love my husband. There is one piece of advice I have: do not push anything, do not try to make anything happen and just love him on your own. Do not try to make him be something to them. My children call my husband by his first name but get him Father's day cards and presents. He has tried to please them (okay over the years this was aggravating, I had to be the bad guy more than him)_ but for the most part they just kind of grew along side them in our relationship. we are having some current problems with our twenty year old ( who was veeery little when we got together ) but those are not blended family problems. His (your bf's family) sound like they are loving caring people, so sit back, relax and enjoy them for the special friends they are.