After 4 years of not dating, I have finally found the person I will spend the rest of my life with. My 3 year old daughter, who loves him, will give us the "cold shoulder with a smile" if we pay too much attention to each other. So we are very aware of how this makes her feel and do everything possible to quell any fears she may have about losing her mom because it has been her and I for ALL her life and I realize she may feel she is losing her mom. We are planning our wedding and would like to have her more involved and am looking for suggestions on intergrating him into our household slowly.
Thanks to all for your wonderful advice. I realized it was very hard for me to let go and give my fiance a chance and my daughter definitely picked up on my fears. So, as so many of you said, we worked out a discipline style that we both agreed on and that has been wonderful. We also got involved in alot of one on one time with him and my daughter. We both walk her to daycare, but I say behind a couple of minutes and she LOVES this time with him. When he is unable to do it, she is VERY upset. He reads and plays alone with her and it is just absolutely fabulous! Thank you so much to all that responded.
what do you mean by giving cold shoulder with a smile? I think she probably just has to get used to the idea....
3 year olds are tough
Jenn Smith
http://jennsmith.stayinhomeandlovinit.com
Hi A.,
Speaking from the other side of this--my stepdaughters were two and five when I started dating their dad; we are married now and they are eight and eleven--I can say that it's hard on everyone involved. Your fiancee probably has a whole lot of fears and concerns that he hasn't brought up to you for one reason or another, so I'd definitely make the time to talk to him too. It's very hard sometimes when you're not the birth parent. Even though you may be there morning, noon, and night all year round, parenting a child (or children) you love with all your heart and soul, there are times when the child just doesn't want you, they want their "real" parent. Whenever I hear my (step)daughters or other children bring up the issue of their "real" mothers, I always remind them that there's no fake way to love someone--you either do, or you don't. Stepparents are just as much real parents as birth parents if they are involved in the child's life, and love and care for the child. If your fiancee cares about your daughter as much as you do, over time she will become more accepting of his love, guidance, and discipline.
To make it easier for her, I'd definitely integrate him into your household gradually as you are planning. First, have him sleep over once a week, then weekends, then during the week, etc. so she gets used to eating family meals and spending other times with her soon-to-be dad and yourself. Then have him spend a little time with her on each visit, not just for fun but also for household routines. They could clean up her room together, for example, and he could handle bedtime for a few evenings (pj's, story, etc). Over time she will get used to you and he spending time together and not constantly paying attention to her. Try to remember when she does get jealous that children her age are VERY egocentric ("it's all about me, me, me") and it's a normal reaction to ANYTHING that draws attention away from her.
I don't know how involved your daughter's father is in her life, but if you two have a good relationship you should definitely talk to him about the upcoming marriage. It would nice for your daughter if both her birth parents were on the same page about her new stepdad, and both of you assured here that a steparent is just another parent to love and care for her. That's just a thought from personal experience.
Another thing which just came to mind, and this is important, is for you and your fiancee to get on the same page about discipline and privileges, you know, household business. Don't let yourself feel guilty about getting together with a man and let her walk all over you in response when she gets jealous. And, please, don't let your fiancee try to become her new best friend and do anything she wants, whenever she wants. You two have to come together to agree on how to handle any behavior issues which may come up, as well as who will have what say in how she is raised, schooled, etc. I would highly recommend that you give your fiancee a chance to prove his parenting skills instead of always telling him, "That's my child and I'll raise her any way I want to," because he is an adult with valid thoughts, feelings, and ideas. I also recommend that if your fiancee doles out a reprimand or a consequence that is appropriate for the behavior in question, you don't swoop in and take the ultimate control of the situation because you have to "rescue" your child. She needs to know that both the parents who will be in her household raising her are on the same page, and that she can't play mom against stepdad. This is just for your own personal happiness and sanity, otherwise you will have LOADS of marital stress.
Good luck and I hope all works out well for you and your soon-to-be family, and congratulations!
--M.
P.S. If it does get rough, eventually it'll get better--I've been there first hand. Now I consider my stepdaughters my daughters and they equally consider me a mother.
When I met my husband, my son was 3. He had a hard time as well adjusting. Is your daughters father involved in her life? My son goes to his dads on the weekends so he knows the difference between his dad and my husband. If the father is not involved so is needing that father figure in her life and it would be good for your soon to be husband to spend some alone time togher to bond. Even if her father is around it would be good for her to bond with the new man. She need to feel comfortable with him and know that he is not going to hurt the 2 of you. The more you get her to like him, the easier its going to be for her to accept him. He needs to be willing to accept her as well and he needs to be comfortable with her. Kids can sence when someone is uncomfortable around them. If her dad is still in the picture, you should help her understand that this new man is not here to replace her dad. She is probably very scard and confused, so the more you do as a family, the better. It will get better, just hang in there.
L. S
My husband's son was four when we started dating. We got engaged when he was five. We had him help us with stuff for the wedding. For example, when we went to register for things we let him hold the "gun" and scan the stuff for us. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but for him it was huge!! Also at the wedding we included him in the ceremony by giving him a family medallion and having a little something said about all of us becoming a family.
Hope this helps....
Although I don't have any advice for you right now...I did want to say this....
...AWWW, I love Lynette's idea of asking your fiance to buy your daughter a little ring...I could not have thought of anything better than that myself! (Let's just hope she says yes!) I'm keeping my fingers crossed!
CONGRATULATIONS!
Maybe your fiance and your daughter could go on little "dates" like Father and daughter dates. She is three and not hard to find something to do at that age. Maybe if you have chuckee cheese or a "play place" that they could bond at, or him just taking her out for lunch to mc'd's or another favorite place of hers. Maybe let her choose what she wants to do. Maybe even go see a movie together. Also have him stay longer and eat with you for meals. Start making your own traditions maybe have a movie night together and Watch one of her favorite DVD's or tapes on tv or plan on one night a week be game night. The more time you all spend together the more she will get use to it. But you also need to have some Mommy and Daughter time so she doesn't feel that she is being replaced. If he will be a part of your family then I would suggest that you start working on decisions such as dicipline and how you will handle other situations. That is one marrige killer is not being on the same page and having that agreement with each other and the kids will make it go much smoother. Trust me I am talking from experience and i wish that I would have done things differently. My husband and daughter have a strained relationship because my daughter was 4 when we were married and he adopted her but they still don't see eye to eye and don't have the father daughter relationship that I wish they would have or like my dad and I had. I hope that it all works out for you.
PS if you want to include her totally in the wedding ask your minister or pastor about a family ceremony and see if they have the info. There is a part that you can put in and it totally includes her. There is family medallion you can purchase and the ceremony comes with the order.
Here is the site http://www.familymedallion.com/Wed.htm.
I did this for my wedding and we totally made it about the three of us not just my hubby and myself. We even included her on the wedding invitation and had Bride and Groom (Cherished Bears)bears on top of our cake and a little flower girl that represented my daughter.
Good Luck
J.
Ask her if she wants to be in the wedding if she does pick her out the sparkliest and dazzliest(new words lol) dress to wear. If she doesnt want to be in it let her help pick things out for the wedding.(Give her choices between 2 or 3 things you already like.)if she wants to. She may need to feel it is her special day also. Maybe ask your boyfriend to buy her a little ring and ask her to be his step daughter. I hope these suggestions help good luck.
It's very hard to introduce a new member of the family. My daughter was 7 when I met my fiance. It was really hard for her at first, she too felt like she was losing her mommy. Eventually she overcame it, and has adjusted well. The best advice I can give is to try not to always talk about the wedding, and him. Try to have some "mommy and me" time when you just talk about other things like Dolls, dress-up, or whatever she is into. Also try to have your fiance start playing these games with her. Eventually she'll come around.
Congradulations on your up coming marriage. Its gonna be a big adjustment for her with the new man in your life after it just being the two you. All I can say is for him to take it slowly and just be friends with her at her own pace and in time she will will accept him. And as far as the wedding gose she will get into it I am sure if you make her a flower girl she will enjoy shopping for a beauttiful dress best wishes :) A.
I think it is wonderful that your getting married, I'm a single mom with a 4 year old daughter and I would love to have a special someone in my life other than my daughter. Tell her how wondeful she will look in a beautiful dress and how important it is for her to be a part of your special day, and that she is very special to you and your future husband. Include her in the planning such as asking her thoughts about flowers or dresses. I think in the end everything will work out and she will be fine.
maybe time with just those two doing something. if you step out of the room for a few minutes and let him read to her then join them later maybe she will feel as though she is being included and that you are in no way trying to push her away little girls also love dress up. ask her opinion about wedding details. what she thinks is pretty. make her just as excited as you are.
Hello,
I totally know where you are coming from. Have you little princess and future husband spend a little alone time, weather it be he reads her to sleep one night, takes her to a park, also include her in your big plans ask her what she likes. Make her feel as important as you can. Because for awhile it was only mommy and her. She may love him to death but she wants center spot light from you and him!! Hope I helped a little.
