Two Year Old Thinks I Don't Love Her If She Cries

A lot of good advice so far. Another book I highly recommend ( I give it to all of my friends when they give birth) is "Love You Forever". The refrain throughout the book "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be" is still my 18-year-olds favorite thing to hear from me.

Hi Keri,

Have you tried The following?

At a neutral moment (i.e. not when she's crying or having a tantrum), sit her down (or have her stand up), and sit down in front of her so that your eyes are level, and looking at each other. Then tell her very seriously and earnestly, looking straight in her eyes, that you love her, and you love her no matter what she says or does, and you always will.

Then, preferably at another neutral time, ask her why she keeps asking you if you still love her when she's crying, and try to gently get the answer out of her - she may or may not be able to articulate it right then and there, but through questions you should be able to figure it out. Make it very clear that you're trying to understand, not blame, punish or justify. She may ask this because of the incident you mention, or it may be something else.. If you just assume it's because of this, you take the risk of missing the true cause, hence the opportunity to fix it quickly.

I did this with my son on a similar instance, and it worked wonders - by the way, the reason he was asking those weird questions had nothing to do with what I thought. It was because of an incident I hadn't even realized happened.

Hope this helps,
K.

Every little girl is different...and mine is only nearly 2, but I have a feeling, if it was my girl in the story, she would be asking me if I loved her...just to get me. She would have seen how shocked and upset I was the FIRST time, and noticed that she wasn't getting as good a reaction by simply screaming and wailing, and decided to add that question to her routine.

And if it was me, after a few times, I would probably get sick of it and tell her, "Sweetie, you know I love you - now STOP asking me. If you need to cry, you may go into your room until you are done. Please come back and see me when you are happy."

But that's just me and her. ;-) Good luck!

There is also a book called "I love you all the time" that might help her understand more.

Coming from a mother of two girls, 10 & 4 - trust me, this is not the worst it'll be! My 4 yr olds latest is "nobody loves this haley anymore" when she doesn't get her way or if someone is talking to someone else. I don't know what it is but they seem to have gotten much more emotional around 3, or at least mine have. One time when my oldest was really putting me to the test I lost it completely & when my husband came home she lost it on him and said everything I said word for word. Please don't be so hard on yourself because at this point in time I can honestly say that motherhood has walloped my butt many times. I know that we all want to be this certain kinda mom and all, but we are human. Good luck!

she is two so it may take a while for her to understand/trust you again. consider a reminder that we need to be careful what we say around kids, and i am sure that eventually she will stop questioning it. sorry you have to go through this. good luck.

During a calm time, sit at eye level to her and have a chat about her behavior. Tell her that you always love her, but you don't always like her behavior, and that when you don't like her behavior you will ignore the behavior. Period. Ask her why she is screaming and crying. Is she doing it for attention? Is she frustrated? She might say "I don't know" but keep gently asking questions and try to get to the bottom of it. Tell her the difference between expressing emotion sincerely and carrying on. And make sure that you tell her you love her daily, reward good behavior with praise, and tell her when you really like her bahavior.

Keri,

Sometimes when young children develop a fear, it can take months to get past it. My oldest developed one of baths when he was your daughter's age. Some sock fuzz from between his toes had gotten in the tub and he swore they were bugs. That was all she wrote for an easy bath for literally about 6 months. I've heard the same about children this age who have developed fears of monsters at night.

Unfortunately, this may be the case for the next several months and in the meantime, you will have to keep reassuring her that you love her throughout the day whether she's crying or not. Keep telling her that you got frustrated and sometimes when that happens people say things they don't mean. 1) She may not understand now, but she will and 2) It shows you are human and make mistakes too and that it's okay. The really tough part is you are going to have to really catch yourself now if you start to get frustrated because if the same thing happens again, it will undo all the reassuring you are trying to do.

We all lose our patience sometimes. It happens with the best. You are human. What can you do? The best thing I can suggest is to try to get to the root of what is making her cry. She's at an age where you can try to communicate with her differently. If she can't tell you herself why she is crying, ask until you get a nod from her. If you say "Are you crying because you are angry?" and she says "Yes" then you need to say back to her "I understand you are crying because you are angry." And then give her an alternative...when you get angry please tell mommy so I can try to help make it better or whatever you feel like telling her. I know it seems repetitive but I have had therapists and teachers tell parents I know this is what you do. It reaffirms you do understand what they are feeling at a time when even they are struggling to understand.

I wish you the best,
L.

First, that all sound so familiar, I could have written it myself! Sometimes we just loose it. And as much as we know we need to keep our cool and not say things in front of the kids, we slip and vent our frustrations. I can remember every time it's happened to me (five and counting). It's terrible and we regret it and wish we didn't yell/cry/scream/say something dumb. But it happens. Don't feel too bad. She has to understand that Mommy is not perfect and that these things happen.
Second, sounds like your daughter is one smart cookie! She has already mastered the art of manipulation. She knows what she wants from you and now she knows how to get it. Believe me, she knows you love her. As long as you are showing it to her every day, she knows. You sound like a great mom and I'm sure that you do show it and you say it. Next time she questions it, just tell her that you lover no matter what. There is a great book I read to my daughter called How Do I Love You (I think) and I read it to her espeically when she is "bad". It says that I love you when you are happy, I'm sorry when you are sad, I love you when you good and I love you when you are bad.
Third, when my daughter was going through a rough patch and having a lot of temper tantrums, etc. I was so stressed about it that I actually sought help from a professional. I was at my wits end. She said that I needed to spend more quality time with her. That just being in the same room was not enough. I needed to actually sit down and play with her as often as I could. It really worked. Now, when she starts to act out, I stop whatever I'm doing and distract her with some attention. I try really hard to stay ahead of the tantrums though, that way I avoid them altogether. If it seems like I've been doing something for too long (cooking, cleaning, reading mail or e-mail, reading) I stop and play with her. I found that if I gave her 15 minutes for ever hour, that was all it took.
Good luck!

Assure her that it is the behavior of crying and screaming that you had a hard time understanding, therefore you talk to "Daddy" to understand why she was crying. If she can use her words instead of crying, you would be better able to help whatever was the problem.

I know with my child, he will never let me live a mistake down, although he does forgive. After time, your reassurance will allow her to get past what she heard and felt. Remember, you are the main person in this child's life, so to hear something bad come out of your mouth is much more painful than if a stranger said it. Just relax, WE ALL make our mistakes as people and parents! By just showing her and explaing to her over and over again, you will build that trust up again. Kids can adapt, they are wonderful!

Good Luck~

Wow, I can't believe that I am not the only one this happened to. I felt like a terrible mother for a while when my son started this. He was using the word 'happy' instead of 'do you love me', but it was really t he same. If he did something wrong, he'd say, 'are you happy' and I never knew whether I was supposed to ALWAYS be happy, or if I was supposed to say NO, I'm not happy that you pushed your sister, but I still love you. When I'd say I wasn't happy, he'd get all upset. It's nice to know that maybe it's just a phase they all go through!

If she tantrums, walk away from her. If she follows walk away again. Tell her each time you don't want to be by a little girl who is being naughty. After 2 or 3 times of this i promise you will see a difference. Kids are smart. at 2 she DOES NOT KNOW WHAT LOVE IS, remember it is a word.(she DEFINATELY knows the action of love!!) If she utters it, it is because she heard it not that she understands it. What she DOES know, is how to get what she think she wants from you. One thing I do with my daughter when she cries about something silly, is I tell her to go upstairs and cry about it in her room. She does, and she is able to cry and pout all she wants in there too! I know it is crazy but she comes out as bright as the sunshine now she had a chance to express her frustration. But stop these tantrums NOW, we have never in the lifetime of my daughter had a meltdown in a public place. and I am convinced that these tactics did the trick. Always talk about the problems after the frustration is gone. Never let the child think you dont care/forgot about why the meltdown happened. Also remember, crying fits can happen due to fatigue and hunger. Make sure you are armed with snacks and make time for naps when you are out and about. Lollipops make very nice temporary energy rushes when you have "1 more place left to go". Good luck, OH and read the Supernanny book by Jo Frost, let me tell you, that nanny knows her stuff!

Getting frustrated with a two year old is pretty par for the course (at least with my kids!) Don't beat yourself up about it.

There are two books I recommend to read to your daughter. The first is "Mommy, Do you Love Me?" by Jeanne Willis and Jan Fearnley. It is SUCH an adorable book about a little chicken and his hen mother. The mother goes on and on about how she loves her baby even when he is dirty, or doesn't win a race, or when he drops his flower etc... But then the mother hen loses her cool and yells at the baby chick and the chick thinks the mommmy hen doesn't love him anymore. The mother hen says "sometimes you make me mad, and sometimes you make me sad, but whatever you say or do, I'll always love you." (or something to that effect).

Another adorable book is "I love you through and through." I read that to my twin boys since they were tiny infants!!!

Good luck....

Your darling daughter has learned to push your buttons. Before when she had a tantrum you got mad at her..NOW you get all sad and loving. She is learning real quick how to get around you. She can have her hissy fit AND get hugs and kisses too. Isn't life grand. LOLOL Now you are enabling her hissy fits and even encouraging them. She needs to know that it's NOT OK to have tantrums and to learn to express her frustrations in a more positive way. She can talk well enough to say you dont love her, she should be able to talk calmly about what is bothering her.
Remember that a crying child is NOT a happy child. It drives me nuts that people do not tell their kids to stop crying. Yes kids should be allowed emotions, but should also be taught positive ways to handle them or they will grow into TYPE A adults.

Tell her that of course you love her - you just don't like the way she is behaving. Be sure to make it you don't like the way she behaves. Try to remember to say things like I don't like the way you are behaving, I don't like the way you are acting, you have to be a good listener and things like that - always put it on how she is behaving. I love you all the time but I don't always like what you do or how you are acting or behaving. Hope this helps. But remember also - they manipulate every chance they get. My daughter who is 4 tells me that I am hurting her feelings every time she gets in trouble for doing something she doesn't like. There is a fine line there......GOOD LUCK TO YOU - and don't worry - I'm sure she knows you love her

This might be a longshot but...try reverse psychology. Cry when she can see you and ask her if she loves you when you are crying. Sometimes you have to put someone in your position for them to understand. When she says yes..and she will..smile big and hug her. Don't ask her again when you cry after that. That will break her pattern of asking you when she cries.

Nanc

It might help to teach your child coping skills for when she's upset so that the tantrums are at least shortened if not completely nipped in the bud. I have worked with my daughter when she is screaming/crying - I count to three and she takes a deep breath. Sometimes that needs to happen more than once. Sometimes she can do it herself, and sometimes she asks me to count. I don't talk to her about the incident until she is fully calm. My focus is helping her to stop and cope. If she can't do it through breathing she has to "take a break" - sit somewhere away from the situation. Remember the original idea of "time outs" weren't to punish, but to give children a break, a separation from what was going on so that they could better adjust their behavior. Tantrums are natural - children do not instantly know how to monitor their emotions. We need to teach them and help them practice.

Don't beat yourself up over it, like you said what's done is done. Learn from it and move on...kids are literal thinkers...meaning I tell my husband I'm going to jump in the shower and my 2 year old says...no jumping in there you could get hurt...when she throws her tempers and asks do you still love me, make a game of it...I love you this much...read little nut brown hare to her...(to the moon and back...). Don't let the guilt of a mistake reshape the way you parent. You were feeling frustrated and had a babd mommy moment...we've all screwed up at some point...learn from it and move on...she knows you love her...one of my favorite quotes is from the movie a river runs through it...."you can love completetly, without completetly understanding..." that's parenthood.