My Little Girl Is a Shopaholic

I often take my 2.5 year old. I give him snacks so he is not wanting to have/eat everything he sees. I also let him get samples from the deli dept. and the bakery dept has a "kid club" where each kid can choose an apple or cookie treat. He does not want to "buy" anything, but will often like to put things in the cart. I either will put these things back, or just keep track of what i don't want to let the cashier know to put those items back. If he is being good, i may let him choose a toy or treat as we are finishing up.

She's a normal 3 year old! You have to make it clear at the start that you will not be buying her anything and stick to it. She cries for what she wants because you do cave and she's learned that this behavior works. Decide that you will not tolerate any fussing and tantrums -when it starts up, leave the store. If you can and you have to, leave her at home with someone while you go shopping. Let her know she can come with you when she can behave herself. But don't be too hard on her - this is normal for this age, and to some degree you have fed into it by giving her what she wants. Please don't think of her or refer to her as a brat - she's just doing what works to get what she wants. It's our job as parents to set limits.

You've answered your own question - you cave in. She's not a shopaholic - she sees tempting things and, like any 3 year old, wants them. She's learned that crying bitterly gets her what she wants. You will have this forever if you don't nip in in the bud. Crying and manipulation cannot be allowed - you are letting her be the boss because it's easier to give in at that moment than to tough it out and have a miserable shopping experience. The problem is, it only calms her down for that trip, and she's learned what to do on the next trip.

You can give her some choices - would you rather have pears or apples? Broccoli or beans? - but make those for "tonight" and not things she doesn't have to have or try at some point. She's looking for some control and you can give it in small areas that meet your own values.

If she has a tantrum, ignore it no matter how much you feel embarrassed - we all go through it. Otherwise, grab only what you really need, zip through the check-out, and go home. She can realize that you didn't have time to buy cookies or her favorite peanut butter because her tantrum was bothering everyone or keeping you from thinking straight.

I mean, really, SO WHAT if she cries? You are not a bad mom because you don't buy her whatever she wants. What's going to happen when she's an adult? She won't know how to make choices, to value things, because she never had to really want things or wait for them or work for them.

She's not a brat - she's being normal. But she will become a brat if she is indulged, and you don't want that for her. If you really have a major shopping trip to do, like for a holiday or party where you really have to concentrate and get everything on your list, then don't take her. But otherwise she has to learn to be in situations like this. Go for several short trips and, if she can't control herself, make it a point to leave with her and say "Well, we couldn't get what we needed because of your crying. Sometimes Mommy has to say no." Don't keep talking about it - just ignore it. Once she doesn't get a payoff for crying (the payoff either being your undivided attention, or the desired item), she'll figure out that this tactic doesn't work. However, don't then give in and say, "You were so good at the store, Mommy will buy you a treat." Then it starts all over again! If she's good, the "treat" should be special time with Mom to play a game or do a puzzle. And that's AFTER the groceries get put away. If she does not behave, then put her in her room until she calms down, and let her know that all that crying time COULD have been game-playing time or book time. Oh well, she chose to spend it crying.

You will see - it will be awful the first few times and then it will go away! Hang in there!

Sorry if this comes off wrong, but the reason she is behaving this way is because you keep caving in to whatever she wants. If she truly is the shopoholic "brat" you claim her to be, she just needs a stern lesson in acepting no for an answer. Thats all!

I have also learned from experience that calling a child names will label them and make them behave the way you address them. So just the fact that you call her "brat" might be what makes her act that way, which will likely turn into something worse when she is older if you do not nip it in the bud now.

Not judging, just giving my opinion. Hope it helps! Happy Holidays

Don't call a kid a brat.

Don't worry about it. Just work on staying firm all the time. A good tip someone shared with me is to also talk to her before she gets out of the car seat or stroller- remind her of what your rules are in the store or wherever you are going and stick to them. If she starts acting up, remind her of the rules you discussed before going in and leave before she escalates, so she learns that the rules stick. It will be hard for a while b/c she is testing you and so far thinks that the tantrum may work, so you may have to leave your shopping cart and tell the store you'll come back in later. Just remember not to let her actions get to you and try your best to stay cool and be brief when you talk. It works really well for us, even though we continue to work on it... it's gotten a ton better. Also, ignore the people who post responses disrespectfully. This should be a place of sharing and support and only that. Happy Holidays and hang in there!

Please do not refer to my child as a brat. Two things before I answer your question. You are frustrated but the term brat is offensive. Two, others have questioned the sincerity and validity of your questions. You could be a mom to two sets of twins and baby or mixing up he and she (pronouns? is that the term). I can't imagine someone trolling here...why? how exciting can that be so that said I'll answer your question. I agree that you shouldn't cave in and yes it will be hard especially if a pattern has been set that you do and your child get whats she wants (see, she's not a brat, she's smart enough to get you to do what she wants). Now, you can make this as fun and imaginitive as possible once she starts calming down or bring it up in the car on the way. And say in your own words, We can't buy everything we want, we don't have money, AND we don't have space! What if we bought Everything in the store? Where would we sleep, we would have no room to sit and watch tv, we'd have so many tvs...." Make her imagine your house filled to the brim with all the stuff we "want" and no space to enjoy yourselves or live and laugh about it because you've taken it to a silly place. You can also point out things you like but aren't buying because you don't need everything that is cool, or neat in someway. This worked with my child.

tell her no and dont cave when she cries

Toddlers have very little impulse control so of course she wants everything she sees. You can let her have some choices (picking the veggie for dinner, fruit for her snack, etc). You can even say "we'll see" about what she says she wants and then let her pick 1 small treat at the end if she has behaved well. You just have to figure out what rule you want to enforce and then be consistent about it. No one is perfect but be as consistent as you can, especially at the beginning. Don't make exceptions until the rule is firmly established.

If you can, arrange things as much as possible so you are not taking a tired or hungry kid shopping (it is even better if you are not tired or hungry either-- much easier to be patient). If you can't help it, distract your child with a snack or small toy out of your diaper bag. Tell her what is expected of her before you start. (My son can behave pretty well if he knows we only have to run in for 5 things. When it is a full week's groceries I have to work harder to keep him on track).

My almost 5 year old has had his share of public temper tantrums, many in the grocery store. You are definitely not alone there. Sometimes you can head off a tantrum and sometimes you just have to ignore it as much as possible or just walk out of the store. Caving in just encourages her because she is getting what she wants by having a fit. You may want to explain to her when she is calm that you do not like the tantrums. My son definitely started to get this concept at about age 2.5 to 3. If she starts getting worked up you can ask her to calm down and ask nicely instead. If her request is reasonable, give it to her when she is asking nicely. Of course many times what she wants is not something she can have. Explain matter of factly and offer something else if you can. If she still has a tantrum, ignore it as much as you can. If you can tell the difference between an overwhelmed/out of control tantrum vs. a trying to get her way type of tantrum then respond accordingly (soothing to an out of control child, firm but calm to a manipulative tantrum). I have done time outs by making my child sit on the floor in the store or buckled in a cart if need be.

Dear A, I would say most children are the same. They want what they see and what they can't have. I raised 5 and tried my best to go shopping without them. When that was not possible, they were read the riot act before we entered a store and told they would never go shopping again if they caused a scene. I also babysat a little girl who loved to eat, so I brought sliced cheese with me so she would be occupied and not ask for more food.... I know a 3 year old is not easy but you better get a handle on it now because it does not get easier .....you are the mom, she is the child... my best, Grandma Mary

I taught my kids around that age that they were allowed to pick one thing when we went grocery shopping.....of course they pick something in the very first aisle and we still have the whole store to go..LOL!...but I stuck to my one thing rule....when we got to another aisle and they wanted something else...I would hold up the two things they had chosen and make them pick which is more important and put the other item back. If you do it this way, you are not only showing her you are sticking to your rule, but also teaching decision making skills...it does take a while to perfect this and there will be some melt downs when she can't decide and wants both items....but if she cries and carries on both items go back on the shelf and she gets nothing that day! Good Luck!! :o)

I always took my kids with me. The hardest part is not to cave. The moment you give in, you've set yourself up for the next trip. Let her cry, let her scream and ignore the looks from other shoppers. It will be better the next time and even better the time after that if you stick to your guns.

At home, when she wants something, if she cries long enough, does she get it? It is a matter of training. She knows that if she cries long enough in a store, she will get it. So she does. She needs you to retrain her. Work on it at home. The core issue is that she know, "When Mommy says no she means no." When you are not tired or hurried, set up a practice time. In advance, calmly explain to her that in the past you have let her whine until she gets something. But now Mommy has changed. When she says, "No," she means it. The daughter can ask for something, but only once. If she cries, then, ... (a consequence that is immediate, clear and something she will not like at all - not something you can't enforce or follow through on or that will make your life harder. If she likes her room, have her sit on the stairs until she is 'a happy girl'. This gives her the chance to learn self control. The circumstance is not determining how she behaves - she is in control of her emotions and behavior.

Then, have a training session. Put out something on the counter that she can't have, she'll ask, look her in the eye calmly and speak gently but clearly without explaining and say, "No." This way you know you have the time to deal with it - not when you are running out the door or in the supermarket with lots of people.

Since she has gotten away with the whining for a few years, it will take more than one instance to cure her. She doesn't need to be talked to over and over about it.

Once you have worked on it at home to where you see improvement, take her to the store, explaining beforehand the groundrules and expectations. My friend found pinching the back of the upper arm a useful simply discreet way of reminding a child when she was out of bounds. It may sound sad, but after one little pinch, immediately, the first time be whines - not after you are worn down, embarrassed and angry - she will understand you are serious.

You could also say, "If you whine, we will leave immediately and get nothing. If you don't whine the entire shopping trip, then I will get you (something little)." But you have to be willing to leave the shopping cart partially filled and walk out of the store, keeping good what you said. That is really the most important thing - saying what you mean and meaning what you say.

You can do it!

I tell/told my kids to pick 2 things they want out of the ordinary. I don't give in. If they threw a fit, I'd walk away. Giving in encourages the behavior and sets a pace for their temperament later on throughout life.

Do you really want to be going through this at age 4...6...10?

Nip it in the butt now.

She's having a tantrum BECAUSE you are giving in, so she knows that if you say no, all she has to do to get her way is have a tantrum. Stop doing it. It is normal for kids that age to ask for all the candy, gum and toys they see. They have no clue how money works, they are very impulsive. When my kids were little, I typically did the supermarket on the weekend and left them home with my husband. Even the couple of years that I was a SAHM and my son was that age, I did the grocery shopping when he was at preschool.
It really IS fine to say no and to mean it. Tantrum? Ignore til it's over, and when you get home, send her to timeout for 3 minutes for her bad behavior. Also, let her know what to expect BEFORE you go to the store. Whatever your rule is going to be, tell her and stick to it, whether it's NO treat, that she can pick one treat at the end, or that she can only get a treat if she has her own money (when my kids were that age, grandma would occasionally send them a dollar and they'd be thrilled to finally be able to get a candy item at the checkout!). You could tie it to behavior, make up a behavior chart and when she gets enough stars for good behavior or doing chores, she can pick a treat when you go to the store. Let her earn it

She very well could be a brat, but you are the one who raised her to be a brat and a shopaholic. Don't give in to her crying fits and she won't have them anymore. Why is it so hard to tell your kid, "no"?!