Two Mamas Too Many

My first question is what is hubby doing about it. But I received some really good advice when I was having trouble similar to what you are going through. My daughter was in counseling and the parents of this particular group had their own group. The counselor told us 2 really good things that I walked away with. One was to pick the mountains you want to die on. In other words, determine which things are important enough for you to really stand for. The other is that teenagers are terrorists and will take you captive if you let them. Never argue with them as that is their method of taking you captive. When I learned not to engage in her argument because I did not have to as I was the mom, things got better. She is grown and a beautiful person. Like you I am in my 40s, but I have 3 daughters. So I can feel where you are coming from.

Hi C.,
I also have the same situation I have a daughter who is 16 and two boys 13 & 5. My daughter has shared a lot of the responsibility of raising the boys because I work nights. I am very glad for all her help but at times feel bad that she can't always be a kid. I am married and he helps out but especially when the youngest was under two she did most of the care when I wasn't home. I have to remind her often that I am the mom & I raised her just fine with out her there to tell me what I should do. Hang in there this to will pass. Be thankful that you have an outstanding daughter not all teens are willing to help at all. Good luck

C.,

You ARE the mom, you ARE 45. Your daughter is 17 and still a minor. If she wants to be the mom, let her take the entire responsibility for one day. She does the laundry, the dishes, the cooking, the mending, the supervising of doing homework correctly and completely, all things that a mom ALWAYS does. Maybe that will teach her a lesson. If she is ready for it, then you can delegate more chores to her and lessen your load a bit. Turn it around and make the best out of it for you. Make her feel like she is an adult and let her experience adulthood to the fullest, still under your roof, under your silent supervision, under your loving heart.

Hope this helps.
D.

Hi C.,
How about helping get the communication clarity of your daughters intentions. Let her know the parts of you that want to accept her, that it would help you
to accept her better if you knew what she was intending better. Perhaps let her know that you just feel nervous not knowing what people intend.
Also, be open that she may know something you don't know.
Let her know your good intentions deeply such as "I want you to be really healthy but I have not been able to teach you about that well enough and I still want to work on that both from me and to you. I would feel so relieved to know that
I cared for you better than I have so far because I love you and I care about my reputation with you as a mom."
Does this sound helpful C.?
Love,
Becky, aged 57
be

Hi
Congrats on raising two great girls.
Your older one apparently takes her responsibilities serious so how about a little co-parenting.
She may be looking for the respect that she believes all her duties and her age demand.
You are blessed to have a daughter who helps you but she probably doesn't want to feel like a slave.
A little respect and share in the decision making processes can eliminate the 'slave' feeling.
Not saying she is treated like a slave just that humans (especially strong-willed and decisive ones) can feel that way when they are given no authority in the decisions.
For instance, tell when she has problems with her sister that she can come and talk to you.
Ask her advice about how she thinks the problem should be solved. Implement her ideas occasionally (unless they involve sisters demise LOL) and back her up when she makes great choices. Never forget she is an adult-in-training and learning from you.
I'm sure you will devise creative ways to include your awesome right-hand gal in the decision making process.
She's a blessing!
Hope this small suggestion helps and I will pray for those creative ideas for you.

Hi C.
I too am facing the 2 many mammas. I have a 13 year old and a 5 year old. It has been an on going problem since the beginning. I guess I fed the need when I got the older one to be the mother's helper and to compund it everyone has deemed her a big help and so the role of second mother just landed in her lap. It has created problems with babysitting,and of course my sense of authority. I think it was so handy and convenient to have an extra pair of hands around that now things got out of control. I am also married but my husband travels for work so like you it's big releif to know that there is another person to help out. And like you we have butted heads with rules, responsibility, and discipline. Where is start and end as "mother's helper" Of course when things don't go her way there is fighting and screaming.
I think what has happened over the years is that I have relinquished a great deal of responsibility on the older one and now she has crossed over to almost full reign. So I had to sit down with her to let her know that I am greatfull for all her help but I am THE MOTHER. And while it is wonderful to have her assisstance there is a times when only your voice should be heard. Every behaviour does not have to be corrected or addressed (this is a big deal, she is constantly correcting her sister) and that arguments and fighting does not help anyone.
My next move is to go through one of my child development books and highlight the characteristics of the little one so that she can clearly understand what and who is a 5 year old.
I also take the time to praise them for their help and co-operation when it occurs and added bonus is I try to do special things with each of them seperately. It would be good if you were able to do that. From the sounds of it they seem just as head strong as both of my girls and "separate lives" seem to cool things down. I know with your disability this could be a challenge but it could help if you were able to do this. I ususally try to slip in a quiet talk about listening to each other and cooperating over a game of monopoly and hot chocolate.

I hope this helps, this is a very challenging situation
good luck

M C

C. - I come from a family of 4 girls and I was the "second mother" type. It is very difficult being 17 and often times adults forget that. I am sure you are a great mother and I doubt she really wants that job. You mentioned that she has extra care-taker responsibilities - and it seems natural that along with extra responsibility she carries that into extra authority. I think the more you can try to get on her level (find out what is happening at school, do fun things that she would enjoy (doing hair, watch a movie - whatever she likes) but give her more attention - that might help. I believe all of us (my sisters and I) had opinion's on my mother's skill or lack thereof parenting skills and my Mom was pretty smart in that we got little to no reaction. She sort of ignored the comments and that took away their power. You are dealing with the toughest of ages - one going into teenage years and one in the heat of it...I feel for you. With the ten year olds attitude - again - the more TLC you can give (obviously not when she is misbehaving - but when she is in her "Good" mood) the better connection you will have. I am sure with your 10 year old going into puberty and the stresses of boys liking her and girls being "clicky" at school - that all ads up. Maybe when she is being "attitudy" you could diffuse the situation by asking about her and her school, talking to her about what is going on in her life etc. I think girls that age need a LOT of attention and perhaps a little rope to figure out who they are.

Having said all that - I am here to reassure you that it will all work out. My sisters and I all had our scrapes with trouble and we fought like cats and dogs and now we are all grown successful people and we couldn't be closer. Just remind them that as sisters - they will be each other's longest relationship throughout their life - nobody will ever be able to compete with that. It is so much easier if they support each other rather than compete.

One last thing - as much as you can - try not to COMPARE them - that is the kiss of death.

Good luck!!

Where's the daddy to these girls? For me, if I didn't have my husbands support and help w/these kids....I would be in big trouble! Might want to consider some counseling if you can...if you attend a church, you prob can speak to someone about this.
Hang in there! These kids will be gone before you know it.
God bless you,
M.

Hi C.-

Have you tried getting your husband to intervene on your bahalf? This would remove some ogf the burdon from your shoulders, and that of your daughter. Sounds like the roles ahdve become a bit skewed. Perhaps your husbands guidance and directives would smoothin things out.

Good luck!

Hello. We'll from an older siblings point of view I can suggest many things without sounding biased. I have two younger siblings, one with a 6 year difference and one with a 12 year difference. At one point I thought I was "The Boss" all the time. One reason why was because my parents were always working or going to school so I had to care for them both throughout the day. Because parents do tend to ask more from the oldest child, thats the role we tend to play throughout our lives.
Granted whatever disability you do have, your 17 year old needs to realize you do still make the rules. It's your home they live under. My mother and I also went to counseling for many years with the object of our conversations being control issues. I'm 20 now and have my own child and have learned that with future children, just because he's first-born, I can't ask him to do parenting or caretaking because its not his job. But the relationship you have with your oldest still needs some mending so of course, continue the counseling. It takes some time but it works.

Dear C.,

Yes, I do have a very good idea. You are forgetting, even though you ARE the official mother and head of the household, you are also living with two WOMEN. Yes, in some parts of the world they might be having their own families right now, and making all sorts of decisions themselves.

I suggest that you talk this over with your therapist, and with them - that that the three of you form a family pact - that you will discuss and come to a decision on things that you do not agree with. They need to know that you respect their individual thoughts and that you want them to listen to your ideastoo. You three can make decisions together. Remember also, that if they go seriously against your warnings and things go allll wrong, that they take responsibility to work through what ever it is that has happened.

Am I saying this right? They are just too old for you to dictate to, and as you mentioned you are in need of their loving care. So you need to back down and stop the demanding rules and work things out together.

C. N.

I too had 2 childen and they were 7 years apart and my daughter thought she was in charge of my son from the day I brought him home from the hospitol. Like you I reminded her often that I was the mother and I appreciated her concerns about her brother I was still the one to make final decisions about him. Unfortunenately you being disable makes it a little harder for you since you depend on your eldest daughter for so much help. I would try to sit down with her sometime and tell her how much you appreciate all her help, however some day she will be haveing her own family and then she will have the fun of raising them, but for now she is taking away from you your joy of raising your daughter. At 17 try to make it possible or her to have some time to herself for involement with her friends, This will give you time to spend with your younger daughter and explain to her that her sister loves her and only wants the best for her and is trying to help you but that you will always be her mother and will love her and she is to come to you if she has any questions about anything. I tried to instill in both my children a respect for each other including their things and their privecy, today they have a great relationship. My daughter is still there for my son if he needs anything and he admires her because she has become very sucessfull because of her in charge personality. I wish you the best and hope something in this note has been of some help. God bless you and your family, A. Keele

I'm a mom who deals with disability quite a bit, and I have two kids. My son is 19, and my daughter is 16. My daughter has a tendency to want to mother and help. When I find either of my kids overstepping their bounds, I respectfully but sternly remind them that I am the mother, and no matter how badly I feel, that's the way it's going to always be. I do need help. I can't do everything, and I appreciate their efforts to help me.

As far as my kids arguments, I stay out of it. As long as they respect each other, it's perfectly okay for them to disagree or argue. This took years of training. When they were younger, and they'd argue, and if one of them ended up in tears, I didn't punish one or the other. I'd say to the offending one, "You hurt your sister's (or your brother's) feelings, you need to talk to her (or him) until you work it out, and she (he) feels better." In general, they worked it out on their own. Every once in a while, I'd step in and say, "How would you feel if I said that to you?" Other than that, I'd let them work it out, and they generally did. At this point, they rarely argue, and they respect each other.

I hope this helps.

Hi C.:

You might find lot of helpful information in Dr. John Townsend's book: "Boundaries with Teens: When to Say Yes, How to Say No"

She's just looking for some credit for all her hard work she is doing at 17!! Praise her for her good things she does. Is she making a bad decision? Is she doing things wrong? If you want complete control back then she can't keep taking care of you. Maybe a nurse? Its confusing to have control sometimes but not others. She sounds like a strong independant woman. I would be proud of her for helping her family so much. Most 17 yr olds i know wouldn't care at all.. You have to find an even balance of control.. When she does somehing agree with it, or if you don't agree say "or we could do this.. what do you think" so then its like you gave her the go ahead with her ideas. If she is making good decisions, you taught her well. Also, try to get her to care about her own self. Her friends, clothes, hair etc.. tell her tp have some friemds over. try to get her involved back into her own 17 yr old life..She doesn't want to be a mom yet!

C.,
Your older one may act like the parent because she sometimes needs to be the "parent" due to your disability. Free her from much of the obligations, let her invite friends to hang out or go to a movie with friends so she can act her age instead of yours. She might resent that she can't do her own thing. It's not your fault but maybe you can bring in someone else to help out that isn't so attached to the family.
Good luck.
M.

C.,
I'm curious why the counseling hasn't worked for you both..I suggest.. would be to have a list of chores or responsibilities written up for your daughter for each day? To be outlined with rules & goals for both your girls to follow..Her attitude does not sound uncommon for a 17yr old, however,it seems a lot to ask from her? Where is your husband in all of this? How disabled are you?..Your daughter seems to have many roles.. mother, caretaker, daughter & older sister..What do you provide for her? What does your counselor say about your parenting skills.. Why does your daughter disagree with you? Its obvious there is frustration & resentment building up! Please continue getting professional help.

Hi C.,
Tough one, however as you already know, 10 is the perfect time for the younger one to naturally get that attitude.

As for the old one...I have a 24 YO and we went through a lot of the, "I know what I am doing" and I didn't have any disabilities. I can't say anything more than they are both girl stages and they will get over it.

My only suggestion is to keep parenting without skipping a beat. Although she is over-doing-it, I am actually glad to hear she has stepped up and is assisting your needs. Keep going to counseling and stay strong and tell her you will ALWAYS be the mommy!

Hi. First of all you have my compassion, that sounds like a tough situation. I was just thinking from your 17 year olds point of view. Perhaps it is confusing for her to be in both the caretaking, and the role to listen, at the same time. Also, now that she is 17 and wanting to go out an do more for her self she is feeling ambivalent regarding responsibility to you and her sister and may feel guilt or anger about that. No doubt she has also garned healthy self-respect from her roles as well, and now must look for that in other places in the world and that may be scary. Just thoughts of things to talk to her about that might help. Good luck. Nancy

It seems like this is almost inevitable when you have an older girl in this situation. I had two girls that were 12 and 9 when I had twin boys. The younger of the two girls is very dominate and she took over and criticized my parenting skills with the boys. When they got to be teenagers it became a real problem when they would go to her with their problems instead of me. I was a single mom working two jobs so I kind of let her take over but paid for it in the end. Now they are 35 and 26 yrs and they still go to her when they have any real problems. You need to stand your ground and not let her have the upper hand.

I remember 17 and having all the "answers". And currently, my husband is like your daughter -- there is nothing I can "do" regarding our daughter that he doesn't "correct" me on. Based on those two realities in my life, what would have (at 17) and would now (at 47) help lessen the argueing is if someone actually just CONSIDERED my suggestions or ideas. I'm not saying you have to "do" what she says. But what if you change the atmosphere and lessen the tension. Plan a time to have coffee/tea and discuss her ideas. Slow her down. Listen to her. Let her explain in detail, without "pushing" or criticizing. Just agree to "consider" her ideas.
Hope it helps. Our daughter is 12....we'll be in the same situation soon!