Desperate Mother Needing Advice with Disrespect!!!

I'm sure that you have realized this, but just to remind you, there is a lot going on in your family from what you have said. The biggest thing with teens when they get to that "I know more than you phase" is to remain consistent with what you expect. You also have to stay firm and not give in, which I know can be easier said than done, especially when you have run out of fight. Last but not least, there have to be consequences if they don't comply with what you need from them. Don't give them that ride, don't babysit, or whatever they are needing/wanting above parenting. Allow them to see through the rewards your youngest son receives for being a respectful kid what they are missing out on.
I have been divorced for the last eight years and have an eighteen year old daughter who is pregnant, boys that are 15, 12, and 9. My 12 year old is the kid that reassures me through his behavior that I am doing it right. The other ones are behaving like some of the kids they have as friends and it is a constant battle to keep my home from deteriorating into the kind of atmosphere these other kids are living in. Unfortunately parenting is the hardest job in the world and it comes with no instruction manual.The best thing that was taught to me was to remain calm. I came from a loud environment as a child and the loudest person always seemed to get what they wanted (my parents). But if I can successfully deescalate what is going on by first of all quieting the atmosphere, the rest seems to go smoother. I start by keeping my voice calm and low. If they're loud they can't hear what I have to say and they have to quiet down to hear my input. It's not the easiest technique but it has been the most effective approach in my family. Also I would incorporate your first husband in whatever approach you are taking because you two have to be on the same page. If the kids know that regardless to what's going on the two of you are on the same page with what you expect from them it will be harder for them to run over you. For some reason, kids just respond better if they have more than one person telling them the same thing, especially if they think the people aren't on the same team.

Hi R.,

First off, so sorry about your husband's health; I don't know if this book would help you or not, but I read one called "Unexpected Recoveries" where people cured themselves of cancer and all manner of other ills through a macrobiotic diet. I forget the author's name, sorry. Also, "Jean Brody's Guide to the Great Beyond" is helpful in dealing with end-of-life issues. I read it recently as my Dad was dying. It gives you a lot to think about and try to plan for. Not easy, but might help.

Also I must commend you for being able to say, after your bio, "things are running pretty smooth". Wow, what a strong woman you are!

I agree that counseling might be a big help for any and all of you. You may not be able to get all the folks involved to go, but you can go. You may get a different perspective from a counselor, I know that has been true for me. I can't change anyone's behavior but my own (I have learned), but I can change how I react to others' behavior, and it's ok to express my feelings (in a respectful way of course) and ask for what I need.

I would also try to get into your own place asap. As someone said, your youngest is watching the older ones and may get ideas. Also his hormones may not have kicked in yet, and he may get "an attitude" when that happens. Easier to handle that in your own place. I trust you show your appreciation to him for doing the right thing.

Prayer, if you are into it, will help also, and asking others to pray for you is OK too.

Make SURE you take some time for yourself, whether for a walk, bubble bath, reading, meditation/prayer, a cup of coffee at the diner, phone call to friend ....whatever. You have to keep your batteries charged or you won't be any good to anyone. It's like the oxygen masks on airplanes: "If you are traveling with a small child,first adjust your own mask correctly, then assist your child".

I realize am repeating other posts here, but ... yes, the older two need to help more. It is always more palatable to help someone who is at least making an effort on his/her own as well. So if daughter wants a helping hand, she'll find one at the end of each arm!!

Good luck to you, please let us know what happens!

K. Z.

Please do not be offended this is just my opinion. I would say all of you need to try therapy. It sounds like there is alot going on and perhaps the children do not know how to voice it properly. How are they in school? If you dont have a way to private pay for sessions, look into what the school system can do for you. Also since you and bio-dad are living together perhaps you two should sit down and come up with a plan. Set rules and consequences if broken. You both must be a team.
I am sorry to hear about your husband. God be with you!!!

One of the gals I was a counselor with at church camp, told me about a book she and her husband and three other couples did for Bible study called RAISING RESPECTFUL CHILDREN. Don't remember the author. Let me know if you can't find it. I"ll ask. She said it was EXCELLENT.

I feel for you! My 3-yr-old has been give me attitude lately, and I was tired of it. So, I got the book "Have a New Kid by Friday" by Dr. Kevin Leman. He had a wonderful method of changing our kids' Attitude, Behaviour, and Character in just 5 days. I recommend you read this book. It has wonderful advice, and I think it could help you out greatly! Good luck with your children!

A. Mendenhall

Hi R.. I also think that you and your children should seek out some counseling. After reading your bio. it sounds like you and your family have endured some very major life stresses and I think anyone in the same situation would find it helpful to have someone to reach out to. Maybe your family Dr. or school system can make some recommendations or put you in touch with some local therapists. Best of luck to you and your family.

You are very fortunate to have a place to live, not many ex husbands would be so kind. But you need to get back on your feet and find a place of your own with your youngest son before he starts acting like his older brother and sister.There are many subsidized housing complexs and you should be able to find one, your rent is based on your income.It is still a struggle some times but having your own space and being on your own will make you stronger.Sorry to hear your husband is so ill and can't be with you. Asking for help is the first step to fixing your situation.Now you need to get pissed off and take action to make a better life for you and your youngest boy.
You state that you can no long handle your older boy due to your health, If you are disabled then you need to apply for disability benefits and also apply at your local Job and family services for assistance.
The disrespect from your children is terrible and If I were you I would not tolerate it.You need to discuss this with your ex husband and see if he can manage to get the children under control. If you don't nip it in the butt now they will never amount to anything once they do become adults.It sounds like you all could do well in family counceling. Even your 17 year old daughter and baby. Just because she is now a Mother herself does not mean she is a adult. She has a lot of growing up to do and she needs to be supporting her child by working and finishing school so when she is an adult she can get a decent job and make it on her own. The children need chores in the household that is a responsibility that needs to be taken very seriously.I started having chores at about 4 years of age, no I didn't like it but it taught me that afamily that works together can also have a lot of fun together.I earned a small allowance as a child for chores I was expected to do unless I was too ill. I was rarely Ill. Good luck.

I am kind of hard hearted when it comes to the respect issue and my home. I sat down with my husband and we drew up a set of rules and regulations, sat down with the three teenagers went over them carefully, everyone signed them and they were posted on the door and the refrigerator. If you didn't want to abide by the rules there was a door to the outside and you were to use it, no exceptions for my two or the foster-child, and we did move her out of the house because she wouldn't comply.

I call it the school of hard knocks. If you want my respect then you earn it and one of the ways you earn it is to give it, you want to be an adult then you have the responsibilites of being one. If you want to tell me you want to die then it is a therapist for you and maybe some time in a therapy center, you want to smart mouth me and you don't actually live in my house then there is the door, please use it, don't come back until you can talk to me correctly. I know it sounds cruel, etc., but if you won't baby sit for her, and what is this you are doing their laundry? They need a chore list and they need to do the work. Remember the youngest is watching the older two and currently not using all the behaviors that he is seeing used but if he is working and being polite and they aren't being either he will hit the point where "what is good for the gander and the goose is good for the goosling as well".
I think family counciling is a possiblity and maybe one you might want to look into.
I will be praying for you. I hope I didn't offend you really badly, but I tend to be blunt and tactless.

R., first suggestion, find another place to live!!!!! Unbeknowst to you, your first husband may be saying things without your knowledge & the kids are acting out because of those words. Don't even try to get any of them to say otherwise; just find a place & move.

My second suggestion to you is find a job that you can do & still spend time with your invalid second husband. You may want to check into becoming a nurse's aide. That way you can work at the nursing home; but be a help to others there. Yes, its can be hard work; but not any harder than taking care of several babies at one time. Been there, done that. Its not all changing diapers or wiping up messes; its about keeping the very young or the very old occupied & not bored. As long as you are not skemish & enjoy helping others, you might make it as an aide & make some moolah as well!!!!

How many times have you taken care of the baby while the 17 yr old partied? Sorry, but if she wants to be treated as an adult then treat her like one; not matter what. If she doesn't come home from school to take over the care of the baby; then start making complaints to child welfare. She is not listening to you; but she might listen to someone unknown to her like the child welfare people. She is a mother now & needs to step up & take care of her child, not you, grams! And where is the baby's father? There has to be one somewhere, because she had to have help in creating this baby. He needs to step up to help care for the kid.

Seems like the kids have no compassion. Making life a living hell for you. Yes, this might seem petty, but they are kids & truly don't understand what a mature lifestyle is all about.

Have a talk with your ex. It is his house & he should be the one to order the way of life there, not you. You became the housekeeper because you had no other place to go. Have him put up a list of chores to be done with their name next to it. Don't you touch that particular chore; even if its the stinky trash!!!!

Again, get out of the ex's house as soon as possible; even if it means going to a homeless shelter! Find out if a family member can take the youngest in to keep him in his school district if you do decide to go to a shelter. With his attention problems, a shelter may not be a place to take him. You can always come to the ex's house during the day to do what chores need to be done & recieve some payment for it. Remember you are no longer married to him & this situation may be just as difficult for him.

Good luck in finding the right choices for yourself, R.. Remember tough decisions mean making tough choices too.

Hi R.. It sounds like the kids need some tough love. If your daughter wants to be treated like an adult and wants to be disrespectful, the door is always open and she could and should live an adult life. The fact is she is getting one big gift by being allowed to live at home with her baby and have you doing her laundry and cleaning up after her. Being a parent and being 17, unless she is in school as a 17 year old, she should be working and paying rent. As a parent, she should be contributing to the upkeep of the house. Your 13 year old may need some counseling to manage his depressive thoughts and anger or the anger may turn violent and worse things can happen. If you want things to change, you can't argue with them every day. Rules are rules and they either respect them or find a new roof.
Good Luck!

I agree with the mom who mentioned counseling. Children need help processing what's going around them. ALso check with your church and there are bereavement services through hospitals and the nursing home. Sometimes it helps to have an outsider to come in and play referee so that you are your ex don't become the heavy. Good luck.