Help! I Threw Out Daughter, She Is Back Home After County Youth Center

May I suggest you look at some of the positive things she's doing: She got a job and she is mostly staying out of your way. Sure, she's doing some annoying stuff and having her around is an inconvenience, but she's gone from lying around and cursing you constantly to having a job, and having just an occasional moment of temper.

What I would do: Everyday when you drop her off at work say: Honey, I'm proud of you. And, when you pick her up say: Honey, I'm so very proud of you.

Reinforce the positive things that she does, make a big deal out of them, tell whomever will stand still how proud you are of your daughter.

I know as a parent I focus way too much on the stuff I need to correct. Once I started focusing on any sign of progress, our family made progress.

I'd also investigate why she dropped out of high school when she was so close to graduation. Did she have a counselor with whom you could speak? Another parent who might be close to her? If she has 1) dropped out of high school 2) attached herself to a loser boyfriend 3) acting out...I'm going to guess that there is more going on in her emotionally than simply teenage acting out. In your shoes, I'd find her a counselor (ask at the school) with whom she can confide.

17 is young. 17 is dumb. 17 is full of mistakes, insecurities and self-doubt. Though she may be making your life total hell, this is the time when she needs you to tell her that you love her, that you have confidence in her, that you are always on her side.

Adding: Something to consider...even though this may be a struggle with her at home, home is probably a safer environment for her. Throwing her out might result in her living with the loser boyfriend and there is also the possibility of pregnancy. You may not want her disrupting your life, but if you had a grandchild that would be even more disruptive.

Sounds to me that learning when and how set boundaries and provide consequences wold be a help. I'm guessing you've had difficulties consistently setting boundaries and giving consequences for your daughtER sonce she was 13 or so. Your daughter does not believe you'll throw her out. You allowed her to come back home. You've given her second, third and fourth chances. You just get mad/frustrated because she doesn't follow the rules and you continue to let her stay. Sounds like you told her the rules and didn't check to see.if she understood she had to take responsibility. Did you see or hear anything before bringing her back home that indicated she had changed?

I urge you to get professional counseling. You absolutely can not change her! Counseling will help you learn about boundaries and consequences. It can help you know when to stand your ground and when to let her learn the hard way.

Why did you order her off the roof? The natural consequence was for a neighbor to complain directly to her. The way that you describe your interactions with your daughter, suggests to me that the two of you lack having effective ways to talk and reach an agreement. Telling most people, but especially a teen exactly what they have to do, usually backfires. To have an effective conversation both people need to feel heard. I suspect that all her life, you've been her boss even tho she needed to learn how to make decisions that would result in her being a responsible adult.

I suggest that it's too late for you to change your relationship with her. Both of you missed opportunities to grow together. When she's older and more mature you can try to be "friends." Perhaps you give in because you feel responsible for how she acts. I suggest that you continue to give her one more chance.hoping that she will act differently this time. You cannot change the way she feels and acts.

You are not responsible for her actions. You are responsible for your actions. Obviously letting her live with you is not working. I believe, at this point, your daughter will have to learn how to be a successful adult, through her own experience. She has to feel pain before she'll.know she has to do things differently.

I suggest that instead of just kicking her out tomorrow,.set some boundaries. Tell her that this isn't working and give her a deadline for when she has to be out. Don't try to get her to follow the rules. Don't argue with her. Don't talk about rules at all. When she asks to stay, repeat the move out by date. Ask her if she'd like your help to find another place. Only help if she asks you to help.

You do need support to do this. You need a professional counselor to back you up. Gather strength from that person. You will feel guilty. A counselor will help you deal with your feelings.

She is an adult. It's her responsibility to figure out her life. It's your responsibility to figure out your life. Get guidance in how to do free yourself.

If you'll feel better, find resources for her. Tell her you have ideas and phone numbers but give them to her only if she wants them. You cannot control her! So stop trying to do so.

My daughter and her boyfriend lived with me when they were 19 so they could work and my daughter go to school. They got pregnant. The boyfriend had difficulty being responsible at work. My daughter was working. I asked them to find their own place because they were taking on the added responsibility of a baby. My daughter did ask for help finding an apartment, getting financial aide and medical insurance. Asking her to leave was difficult. I had difficulty with boundaries and consequences when she was a teen. She is now married and self sufficient. I learned, with difficulty, to transition from being a parent to being a friend. Wit the help of counseling for both of us, we are now good friends.

You fell into the trap again. What makes you think she will ever get her GED or save money???? What makes you think counseling will work this time? It hasn't helped the last umpteenth times?

How should we know? We didn't raise her, we don't know what you may or may not have done while raising her. We have no idea if she has a disability or you are just a bad mom.

I would suggest consulting a professional that can get your history.

Well your PM to me shows you don't listen at all! I said we do not know, I never said you were. We cannot tell what has gone wrong, that is all I said so clearly you don't listen.

Try listening to your daughter because I doubt you do right now, you are reacting. Ya know what reacting gets you instead of listening? A Trump speech.

What you should have done is had her sign a behavioral contract to follow in order to live in your house. But the horse is out of the barn now...

So did you participate in any counseling/programs at the Youth Center? What did they teach you? What issues did they find in your daughters evaluation? You need to start there. I would call them and ask them these questions since she managed to reside there (without incident?) for six months.

I think your best bet at this point is for YOU to go to counseling to find the best way to help her or at least set healthy boundaries with her.

Is she using any drugs/alcohol? Does she have a diagnosis of mental health issues? Health issues?
The answer to these questions changes the expectations for her. You need to seek the guidance of a professional to answer how you can best help her.

Where is her father?

There is not enough information, and since she was recently released from a youth facility where she may have had counseling or therapy, and who have gotten to know her for six months, I would be contacting them.

Good luck.

Sorry, you lost me when you said an 18 year old was listening to the radio....really???

I wouldn't have an adult living in my home that behaves like this, she would be gone. I suspect these issues began a long time ago and you didn't take it seriously. Maybe I'm awful but I wouldn't be driving her to and from work, I might buy her a one month bus pass and she can figure it out. If she wants the GED or license she'll figure it out, she is way past taking your advice. There has to be consequences to her actions. Yes, counseling may be great for you.

Welcome to mamapedia.

Your daughter is a legal adult. Charge her rent or kick her out.

I'm not going to tell you what to do. I know my teenagers haven't behaved like this. They know it's not acceptable behavior.

What you want for your daughter and what she wants for herself are apparently two entirely different things. Tell her you love her and want the best for her. Remind of the agreement she had with you. If she can't abide by that agreement she needs to leave.

Good luck

I recommend Second Nature Wilderness Program. They have a teen as well as an adult program. It helped my son a lot. It's expensive but she needs something drastic and effective before it's too late. You can message me if you'd like for more details from someone who's been there.

You want her to save money and get her GED, but you cannot want it enough to make it happen. I suggest you try very hard to let go of those expectations since they are not in your control, and accept that as an adult, she is choosing to work and choosing for herself what to do with her money. She isn't sticking to your house rules, and I'd say telling you to F off qualifies as giving you a hard time. That is not the way to show appreciation for allowing her to move back in, providing comforts of home and taxi service. I agree with Marda. Tell her calmly that unfortunately, the arrangement of her moving back and living with you is not working, and give her a move out date. Hold firm. Don't get angry, emotional or allow yourself to be dragged into a fight. She's going to get angry, that's OK. She will likely unleash blame on you for her all problems and bad choices. My almost 17 year old is troubled too, and when she is in one of her moods that she gets angry and blames me for everything, I just use of lot of validation. I also tell her I am sorry she feels that way, and that "I" do not blame myself. It really stops her in her tracks when she realizes I will not allow her to manipulate my emotions and make me miserable. If you want to try counseling, find an individual therapist just for yourself. You can't force her to do the work to gain anything from therapy, and you can't make your goals be her goals. You can only set your own boundaries, and you deserve a peaceful home.

Well, this is what it's like to have another adult in the house. She has no real obligation to follow any of your rules. I do think that sitting on the roof playing loud music would piss off the neighbors so that would be something she'd need to learn isn't something she can do. Have her google noise violations in your town. I imagine that it's 10pm like most cities but it might be earlier in yours. If she's breaking the law then she can't do it.

As for the other stuff...that's hard. She has a job and is basically your roommate now. If you put an ad in the paper for a roommate you wouldn't be telling them what they can or can't do. She needs guidance of course but she also needs room to be the adult she is. She will make mistake and fail. She will also learn how to live and be that grown up.

She's either in your house or out of it. She doesn't take your agreement seriously because you let her back in, I am guessing.

You don't like her posting pictures? Who is paying for her phone and computer? You? How is she going to save money if she has luxuries? I have no idea what you mean about her being on the roof, and I don't know many 17-18 year olds who even have a radio, let alone blast a radio anymore. If she disrespects you, it's because you tolerate it. You either want her to respect you and follow the rules, or you permit her to do what she wants and give in to it because you want her to save money and get a GED.

She's 18 and county custody didn't work. Your counseling efforts have not been sufficient. You have no say over her at all because she's 18. Your only choice is to kick her out again. As long as you enable her, she will push you as far as she can. Get some counseling for yourself so you can set some boundaries.

So...when she was a youth you threw her out of your home and she had to live at a youth center. A shelter. And she was a minor.
And then you wonder why she is angry with you.
She and you need counseling. BUT...only if you are willing to be honest. Honest about yourself, your failures as a mother (WE ALL HAVE FAILED AT SOME POINT), and what part of the issues between her and yourself are things that YOU can control.
I highly doubt you are mother theresa and this young lady...damaged, hurt, upset...is the only problem.

I'm sorry. Being a mother is tough, and being the mother of a teenager is, IMHO, the toughest! I yearn for the Terrible Twos, now that we have a 14 year old. Hang in there. She is still your little girl under all the surliness. When they push us away the most is when they need us the most.