What would you do? I have been married to a wonderful man for 8 years and we have a 7 year old daughter. I have wanted another child for several years now,but we were waiting because hubby was in college and we were waiting until after he graduated,which he did last year. Well,instead of going through the whole story,I will just say, we started ttc in March of this year.Then in June,just days before I was going to ovulate,and try again,he announced he was having second thoughts about "having a kid right now" despite the fact you never have a kid right now,it takes almost a year,and I was on birth control ever since my daughter was born,so it could take even longer to get pregnant. He didn't/doesn't know much about my cycles,he didn't know I was about to ovulate or anything.He said he wanted me to get back on some form of birth control. I have just been using film and when I'm not close to ovulating,I am not using anything.Would you use some form of birth control because he wanted to wait,or would you not,because it is tempting to me to just pretend I got pregnant while using the film,which is what a lot of women have said,but it seems wrong somehow. I want a baby really bad and I have been waiting forever. It wasn't fair for him to get my hopes up,then dash them away. I have told him how I feel and am trying to deal with this.What would you do?
When one person in a relationship wants a baby (or another baby) and the other doesn't, the one who doesn't wins by default.
While it isn't fair to you for him to change his mind, it would be unfair to him to bring a baby he doesn't want into his life AND unfair to a baby to bring it into a situation where it isn't 100% wanted.
You're asking us if you should get pregnant against your husband's wishes and lie to him about how it happened. You're hoping that he will be happy about the pregnancy and involved and unresentful as a father. You're hoping he will share in the work....
It's not a matter of it being fair of him getting your hopes up. He is having second thoughts. What's fair is that he should be able to think this through. Having a baby, as you probably remember, is a big deal. An unbelievably huge responsibility. Take his concerns seriously. If you want this to go well for you, let alone for any potential baby, go to counseling together for some perspective and input from an objective 3rd party and decide the future shape of your family together. Respecting each other's concerns, desires and needs.
Considering that you are even thinking about getting pregnant without your husband's consent and then lying to him about it, I think marital counseling is an especially good idea at this point. Get yourselves rock solid as a couple. Then think about whether you want to add a new family member to the mix.
Have you asked him his true reason for waiting? There could be something going on at work that you don't know about that has him worried about money. Men show they care by taking care of us and when things like money is a problem without saying that is the reason when a another child comes into play they will say maybe now is not the right time. I would not get pregnant without him knowing it because a marriage is first basiced on trust. Trust him and he will trust you break that trust and you are headed in the wrong direction.
Adding a second baby to the family is a BIG deal - it is very difficult especially if your daughter is 7 and probably pretty easy to take care of at this point - a new baby will totally change your current lifestyle and schedules. Having 2 is ALLOT more work than 1. My husband and I ended up in marriage counseling after my 2nd son was born and he wanted me to have a 2nd baby (he really wanted 3 or 4 but now refuses to even talk about a 3rd). What I am saying is a new baby is going to add allot of stress and exhaustion to the family and if he wasn't on board for you getting pregnant he is going to resent you and the baby - men are a different breed than women and don't bond with babies instantly like we do and they get their feelings hurt when they don't get all the attention that they think they deserve. Believe me I have been dealing with this crazy way that men think and act since my 2nd son was born. When I just had one child I could pretty much take care of him on my own and still take care of my husband needs too but when the 2nd one came along I needed more help with the kids and my husband got pretty much ignored (or so he thought) so anyway thats where all the trouble started. And of course I am still mad at my husband that he was such a baby and is still such a baby about things sometimes with the kids but I have actually realized thats just how men are and there isn't much I can do to change that. Marriage counseling did help - it did help my husband realize that I needed extra help with the kids and some time to myself. Anyway, I really would wait until he is on board for having a baby because its going to be difficult enough when a new baby comes without the added stress of him be upset that he didn't want you to have a baby at this time.
I would have a long talk with him about why he has got cold feet and when or ever he will want another. Just as you feel he did you wrong he will feel the same way if you trick him. I would not do so for the good of my marriage and mine little girl,
I would definitely respect your husband's wishes. Find out exactly why he is hesitant so you can understand better. Just as much as you are hurt that he doesn't want to get pregnant he will feel even more hurt if you get pregnant against his wishes. Bad idea. Marriage is about total honesty and trust.
Don't deceive him. If you do, you may regret it for the rest of your life. From what you said, he really doesn't want another one right now, and if you go through with it, you'll have to deal with his resentment of you, and possibly your child, for a very long time. I, myself, would have liked to have had just one more, but my husband felt strongly that he didn't want any more. You have to make a decision if it's worth losing your family, as it is now, to gain a baby. Talk to him and let him know how much it means to you, and if he's worried about the financial aspect, you may have to find a way to help out, long-term.
If he doesn't feel ready to have another baby, the best thing for your relationship is for you to respect his concerns. Otherwise you may end up alone with two babies to support. As wonderful as children are, your marriage is more important, because your husband is who you will have after your children grow up and create their own families. Sometimes we sacrifice a lot for our spouses, but if your husband is perfect in every way, then I'm sure he has made huge sacrifices for your sake, too. I'd suggest talking with him, finding out what his concerns are, etc. Perhaps he finds the idea of more children a daunting responsibility (I'm assuming he's the breadwinner), or he doesn't know how you'll deal with two kids - believe me, it's a lot of work! But it'd be best to show you care about his feelings, that you can share your feelings without using them as a bludgeon on him, and that you are willing to wait patiently. I suspect he will likely be ready sooner than you think, if only given some time to think about it without feeling under pressure from you. And things will work out as they need to. :)
I think you did the right thing by talking to your husand about your feelings. Comunication is the best thing between a husband and wife. I think the guilt of lying to your husband would eat you up! He might end up resenting you if you have a child that he is not ready for! Resentment of any kind is never a good thing.
Hey H.,
I am so sorry to hear your dilemna. It sounds heartbreaking and completely unfair. To have to wait with an end in sight and start to try, only to be told no more trying is infuriating and hurtful. My heart goes out to you.
So my advice, please don't be decietful and "accidently" get pregnant. This is a lie you will have to live with, along with how it gives all woman a bad rap. There is a reson your husband is having second thoughts and at least he was honest enough to tell you. You need to be honest too!
I really recommend some counseling NOW. Set up and appointment for yourself with a social worker LCSW and see if he will come along. If he will not, then go to the appt anyway, without him. He will eventually be curious and want to attend. It might take mountians to get the appt, the cost, and arranging childcare, but it is all worth it in the end. There is obviously something bothering him for him to change his mind like that.
And I am sure you will get to the bottom of it through counseling.
Having a second child under honest pretenses will be more meaningful. And you sound like you 100% deserve another baby. But you need to make sure this baby will be loved and desired by both parents. Talk to some single moms or adult children with issues. Kids, all kids, need the love and involvement of both parents. You do not want your second child to grow up feeling resented by their father. It happens, subconsiously. Please seek counseling for self or together and tell those people who recommend the accident method.... "that is fun to joke about, but should never be done." I do hope you two get to a resolution you can both live with and....
May your dreams be fulfilled soon.
God Bless,
-MB
I just want to say that you should definitely examine how your first child changed your life and your lives together... sometimes men get shuffled to the back burner when we have babies, and we aren't always the best at acknowledging their needs. It would be natural for a man to feel some hesitation in the face of that recurrence... definitely talk to him and try to find out the source of his hesitation, because it might be something you are doing that can be fixed. Try to choose a time when you can be very separate, emotionally from the conversation... because emotion can get in the way of even the best problem solvers! Good luck!
-H
I totally agree with liev
I would definately not lie or pretend. I think some meaningful dialogue is in order here. It may be that he's worried about losing his job, but doesn't want to worry you, or something similar, rather than just cold feet about a second child. Talk to him about his feelings, and make sure to explain your own. And point out that the children may not be as good friends with each other if their ages are so far apart that they have nothing in common.
