Should I or Shouldn't I???

Hi K.,
I think there could be deeper issues. The fact that he is flip flopping doesnt sound too good. Try and get to the heart of his issue. Counseling sounds like a real plan.

I once heard (I believe Oprah actually said it) that Doubt means Don't. Having a baby is a big decision and if you have the slightest doubts then maybe you shouldn't.

I think you already know the answer and you might be hoping that people give you a different one. Go with your gut girl.

Do you want another child? Are you happy and solid in your marriage, completely trusting him to put you and your child above all else? Is he a fantastic dad to your current children?

Do you trust him? Are you a team?

Listen to that little voice inside you. It sounds cheesy, but it's so true. All relationships need work, and everybody has issues. But you need to be able to answer YES to all of the above questions. If you can do that, then go for it! 42 isn't too old to have a healthy, wonderful child. As long as you and your husband are on the same page, in terms of choices you may have to make (no matter what happens during or after your pregnancy), then having a baby will be another miracle in your life. Like your first three children- I bet you never regret those fabulous young ladies! :)

I suggest you go with your instinct. Since you don't feel right about his honesty and has taken him to counseling, it sounds like your marriage is flashing a "red light". What makes you think it will get better when you have a baby with him? Haveing a new born child will put more pressures on the current shaky situation. You just go with your feeling about the whole situation and keep your family at peace for the sake of your 3 children.

Hi K.,
I was pregnant at 41. I have one other child. (8 yrs difference) Is is definately starting all over again.(up at night, diapers,not able to communicate, crying, teething) but, the laughter, googling, smiles, rolling over, crawling, first steps and first words - "what a blessing". Now at 42. I'd love another.
Listen to your inner voice, and that deep feeling in your heart. But most of all make sure his heart,trueness,support and strength is there as well! 100%
Best of luck and much happiness. L.

Hello K.,

I say go with your instincts if you are doubting that he is sincere then you are probably right. I to was in a marriage made of lies and deceit. I suggest that you do some soul searching and ask yourself is this the kind of person I want my girls to growup and marry? If the answer is no run as fast as you can. He sounds like he abuses you mentally which will lead to lack of self esteem if he hasn't done so already and total control of your life. It will be hard but with the help of your family and friends(if you have any left from his alienation of them) you will be able to get through this situation. Counseling is a good idea but I suggest that you go by yourself and with your girls first to really get to the root of the problem. If he still wants to go and make a change then great but he may only be blowing smoke to make himself look good. As for the baby I would definetly hold off until your marriage is good working loving relationship without any doubts.

I am surprised at those who are flat out telling you not to have a baby. This is your decision alone - you and your husband's. I believe people can change - my cousin is married to a man who didn't want kids at first (he was a product of a divorce) and now they have 3 kids and he couldn't imagine anything better . . .I think it is admirable your husband is going to therapy - many would not.

I am 41 and have a 10 month old baby girl. Yes it is more trying on your body than when you are in your 20s or 30s but it has been fantastic and I would not trade it for the world - she brings such joy to all of us and it is great having older siblings (10 and 7 years old boys) to help out. So follow your heart and do what you think is best for you and your family. I live in CT and there are many other moms my age with babies. There are no rules. Just make your own life and live it. Good luck.

You're posing a very difficult question here. It sounds like your age isn't the issue, but your husband's instability or lack of decision making is. You already have three beautiful children so the question is are you ready for another. If so, be sure you can raise this child on your own. If your second husband has a tendency to change his mind constantly, just be prepared for every scenario that can occur. Another question is do you, yourself, want to have another child. If so, go for it, if you're doing it for him then think twice.

Good Luck.

Don't have another baby. I don't know if it's just the way you wrote it but your husband sounds a little crazy. Sorry. If he goes off the deep end in a couple of months or years, you don't want a baby tieing you to him, not when you already have 3 wonderful children.

My first concern I'd share with you is what happens when you're 7 months pregnant & he decides he doesn't want children again - My husband & I did marriage counseling & it is so much better to begin something from a stable place versus being up in the air w/things. Having 3 girls already, you know all that is involved and it's great that you are married again to someone who wants to start a famiy with you, but just be sure you are okay with things. Good luck!

Get counseling anyway. What changed his mind 2 years ago and what changed it now. Was he trying to "fool" himself into thinking he didn't want a baby for some reason then and now is facing the truth or is the truth he doesn't want a baby and thinks you do. Get counseling and find out first. Yes you are starting over and make sure if you have a baby you do it because YOU want a baby. Also the age thing can be an issue but go to your ObGyn and talk to them about having a baby. They may suggest some genetic testing, have reasons you shouldn't or tell you GO FOR IT!!! But whatever you decide talk to your husband and make sure it is a decision carefully thought out. With your hesitation be certain and not just agree. You will carry the biggest part of the responsibilty (at least at first) and are you willing to do it. God Bless. A.

Hi K.
Wow!! You have a choice make it wisely for yourself and no one else.

I will just tell my story:
When I was 39 and my older son was heading off to college, my husband of 19 years decided he was going to sell our family business, and we were going to move into a house we built on our property and sell off the property we owned on the other side of the street. Our younger son was hurt playing soccer, and ended up incapacitated for about a year. Stress is supposed to keep you from getting pregnant. If you didn't know that that is ok because I didn't either, but I can tell you that I stopped having regular menses then and assumed it was stress. I started getting exhausted such that my 69 year old mom could outdistance me. I finally decided there was something terribly wrong and headed for the OB because I thought at first I was premenstrual, then cancer, then...
Pregnancy never entered my head because I was spotting, calling it irregular. OK so I get to OB and they say they best do preg test. I am OK with that. They say I am pregnant. Best of all worlds as far as I am concerned, but they are concerned about the spotting and want to do an ultrasound. After about a week of hospitals with our head trauma son, I did that. OB could not find a baby, and told me there was none. Trust me I thought that this was why "old" people, those over 35 don't have babies because it is crazy. By law in order to have a D & C, I would have to have the other ultrasound because they had a positive preg test. I went to have this test. I say to the tech, who was rubbing my belly and it hurt and ..... I say "its ok he told me there was no baby we are just proving this so they can do the D&C" She whips the screen around and says "This is baby A, this is baby B, and I need to know if you have ever been diagnosed with fibroid tumor" I said yes and she said good then that is not baby C. I brought pictures home to my husband who was 43 at the time, and he stood in shock outside with temperature being minus 30 degrees. I finally went in and he followed.
The shock wore off and many people said they would not have wanted to start over so they would have taken care of the situation. I was so appalled. I didn't know whether I wanted to tell people because I didn't want to hear such horrendous statements. Finally a dear friend said "I heard the most wonderful gossip but I want to make sure it is true, and I can't think of anyone better to have it happen to than you." I smiled and said I was not just preg. but preg with twins.
The road to delivery was tough. At 19 weeks, there was one week in the hospital with mag drips and 19 weeks of complete bedrest and meds to ward off preterm labor, I delivered healthy twin girls who weighed in at 5'11" and 6'8" at 38 weeks, which was months after my 40th birthday.
Today I will tell you that I am a different person because of them.
They are the light of my life. I didn't start over, I started anew. I homeschooled the girls, that was not an option I knew about with the boys, got to know some great young moms and have been the older mom teaching the younger ones many times.
The girls are in college this year. One is an art major, and one is a journalism major. I am so proud of them as I am my boys one is an entrepreneur who was a college volleyball coach of the year, and the other is a lawyer who was married shortly after 9/11/01 and this summer made us grandparents with the birth of the most handsome young man weighing in at 10'4".
Because of knowing these younger moms I am now doing academic therapy with some of the homeschooling moms in the area. An opportunity which I never would have known existed and has filled the little free time I have with joy.
God bless you and give you peace in your decision
K. SAHM married 38 years adult children 37,32, and twins 18.
I usually say I am probably old enough to be your mom so talk to her, she may have some wonderful stories to tell as well, but I am not quite there but close.
God bless you
Do let me know what you decide, if you have a decision, we didn't really make a decision unless of course you like me call it making a decision because after 10 years of no baby we thought it wasn't going to happen. The boys were 19 and 14 when the girls were born.
By the way, my rocky pregnancy is what I attribute to the lateness of my grandparenting status. Both boys were shown in no uncertain terms that pregnancy was not as easy as the school seemed to make out. Just a bit of a side bar.

First of all you have three children already, so it's not like you've been deprived of being a mother due to age or a man not wanting to have a child. Secondly, you risk your health and your unborn child's health with genetic defects, downs, etc. all for the sake of giving your wishy-washy husband what he wants as if having a baby is only good when he wants it right? Think about it and stop putting him first. If you think he is going to leave you if you don't give him a baby, then let him go cause once again it's all about him. If he can't understand the consequences of his actions two years ago and what risks he put on your marriage, health and unborn child than when does it end..you giving him what he wants whenever he wants....if on the other hand you DESPERATELY want a fourth child with or without him then go ahead and do it for YOU. Sorry to be so blunt you just seem to have given so much emotionally.

Hi K.,

I just wanted to share my two-cents worth, take it or leave it, I hope it helps! :)

It sounds to me like you & your husband may have some issues to work out and that your idea of counseling would be an excellent one before deciding whether or not to get pregnant.

I am not sure what things you are "questioning" him about and I don't need to know the details, but based on what you are saying, it sounds like you may need to be sure you have built a more solid foundation in your marraige before deciding to bring more chidren into the situation.

I have seen it time and again, and bringing children into a world where both parents aren't totally sure makes it much more difficult on the kids and consequently they end up suffering.

As far as your age and worries of any birth-defect problems, I would explore that whole arena with your doctor and maybe get a couple of different opinions as you try to solve whatever is going on with you & your husband before making that decision.

I beleive that in order for couples to be successful and happy, they need to learn clear, concise communication and the art of compromise. The last thing you need is a unstable marraige and a half-way unwanted pregnancy which will breed resentment and upset on his part that he will harbor for years even if he denies it now.

I say get to a therapist immediately. I have personally found the most success with an actual psychologist who can help each person on an individual basis, and then together in a group session for the marraige itself. You may need several weeks or 5-6 months worth.

No one should feel tentative or afraid to open a conversation with their spouse and get all feelings out on the table and be honest with one another. It seems, (not all) but many men do have a problem with this, (my own experience and that of my friends!) but can learn that it is essential for marraiges and relationships to succeed. If you and/or a therapist can help your husband open up, he may be able to voice any fears or concerns he has over another baby, and you need to be ready to consider all that and try to understand him and maybe even consider they are possibly legitimate concerns in your decision making.

Best of Luck to you and your family, I hope it all goes well and you find everything you are looking for!

D.

I had a "surprise" pregnancy when I was 40 and had three kids: 15, 13 and 7. I thank God for her everyday, and truly believe that things happen for a reason. I didn't feel old, just experienced- there's a big difference. Because I am older and wiser, I swear she's a better kid for it- the most easy-going, personable, most fantastic kid ever. She keeps me young. And 3 older siblings to surround her with so much love!
That being said, have a baby because YOU want to, not because of your husband, because frankly it sounds like he's a little shaky.
Good luck with your decision.

I think the real question is, "Should I invest something so important as starting a second family with this guy the right thing to do?"

The decision here is not about the baby, it's about the marriage. Unless you want to risk being a single parent in the near future, I don't think you should have a baby with this man.

Hi K.,
I don't think that the issue here is one of being an older mom. I would be far more concerned with the fact that you're considering having a baby with a man that you are not sure wants one and sounds like he hasn't been truthful with you on other things. I would not have a baby with this man unless you are prepared to raise this baby on your own if he should change his mind - or if you think that you might opt to leave the marriage due to the problems that you hinted at, are you willing to have a child that you might only be raising half the time? I think these issues are far more important than your age. Good luck.

Hi K.!

Don't do it! I had an 11 year old when I remarried. My 2nd husband was always honest and said he wanted kids. We began having marital problems within 6 monthes of being married. When those seemed better - I went ahead and got pregnant and had my son at 36. Then 2 years later - a daughter then 1 year after that - my diaphragm failed and I had another boy at 39 years old who has cognitive issues and language disorder. My marriage has always been lousy for me (not for him) and I finally filed for divorce 2 months ago and I am now 48. All I can tell you is that if you have any warning signs - don't do it! Good luck and let me know how it goes..

S. (Guilford)

Hi K., I see some instability and think you should hold off on another child. Have you been to counseling yet? Yes I did have more children when my youngest of 3 was 14 but with a wonderful man I felt secure with. I was 36 and 37 at the time. I will pray for you with your decision. You too can ask for guidance. Many blessings, Grandma Mary

I think you need to sit down with your husband and really delve into who he wants a baby now, and why he didn't then. That way, you should be able to tell if he is sincere or not. The last thing you want it to get pregnant, then a few months into your pregnancy, have him change his mind again !!!

Hello there
YOu already have 3 daughters so enjoy them......I would focus on them, provide them with nurture, care, guidance, help with homework etc. ...So my advice is NO more babies!

K.,
Oh my dear, please go to counseling - for yourself and with him. Age isn't everything with having a baby, though there ARE increased risks for a lot of things.

Know your own mind before going to counseling with him - and be mindful that counseling, if it is to be effective, is not one-stop-shopping - it doesn't work over short term.

Mediation might help, too - someone to listen to both of you and help you realize where you are (mis)communicating.

A baby is a treasure at ANY age (and I'm right behind you!) but not only are they not a bandaid, they are new people to introduce to the world and introduce the world to them. Best if you two are on the same page first.

Good luck!
M.

Hi, K., I can't say anything about age wise, but I would seriously think about this whole thing. First he wanted to have a baby, then he didn't and now he does. You should sit down with him and ask him about that and find out what was his reasons in the first place wanting a baby, and what were his reasons for not wanting a baby and now what is his reasons for wanting a baby. Don't let "don't worry about the past, it's now that is what we should focus on" or "you don't want a baby with me is that it?" or anything of that sort. Don't take upon yourself guilt if he says or don't say anything. I am sorry that you're in this situation. YOu have three beautiful girls and you have children and perhaps he feels that he doesn't have any connection that fathers have with their own children. He should also look from perspectives such as yours and men who have adopted children and loves them as if they were his flesh and blood. I will pray for you and your family. Get all the facts and truths straight and let him know the truth in how you feel and about all this confusions with his words. As you know once you're pregnant, you're pregnant. Again, I will be praying for all of you....e-mail me if you have any questions and need an "ear" to listen.