J.F.
Dear A S,
I know you asked for advice, but I hope that while we are all giving advice, we will refrain from telling you what you "SHOULD" do. Deciding to stay at home is a very personal issue, and a lot goes into making this decision. I hope that we will not judge any other mom negatively or try to make anyone feel guilty for the decisions she makes because it is her decision to make! The mark of a great mother is not her outside employment status! With that said, I think, however, that hearing some of our personal stories about this situation might be helpful when trying to make your decision. You'll know you're not alone!
I remember talking to my Grandmother, who was 93 at the time, just prior to the end of my maternity leave. I told her how sad I was, how I didn't want to leave the baby. She put it very simply to me: "Honey, people have been raising families on one income for a long time. You can do it, if that is what you really want to do. You might have to make some changes, but you can do it." I would hear those words over and over again in my mind.
Your story is similar to mine. I had a great career I enjoyed, and I had always been independent financially. I had always intended to go back to work after the birth of my son, and I did for a time. What I didn't expect was how strongly I would feel after his birth about wanting to stay home with him. I felt torn between my dedication to my career, which was quite demanding and for which I'd worked very hard, and to my new priority, my son. It became increasingly difficult for me. I was breastfeeding and getting only an hour or two of sleep at a time and felt exhausted. I was pumping at work. I felt I wasn't giving my best to either my job or my son, and one particular evening after a nearly two-hour commute from my office to his daycare, I came home and talked with my husband about my feelings. We agreed that it would be best for our family for me to stay at home, and that is what I chose to do.
I went back time and again to my Grandmother's advice. The things I so freely spent money on prior to my son's birth were really no longer a priority to me. There are numerous ways to cut back on spending, and there are even some websites that help families who are planning to go from two incomes to one that could be quite helpful to review.
To be sure, the realities are lost income, a gap in work history, and some loss of adult or professional identity, but the things I have received in exchange are far more precious to me: spending time with my son, seeing him grow and learn each day; teaching him and being the major influence on his growth and development; learning that the simple things in life are truly the greatest. It has been nearly 3 1/2 years since I made the decision to stay home, and I am so happy that I did.
Yet, that is what works best for me and my situation. You will have to do some work to decide what is best for you and your family. You say you have to return to work soon, but it's not clear if that is next week or longer. Is it possible to extend your maternity leave either by using remaining vacation time or other time off or even trying without pay so you can see how this might work for you? This might give you and your husband some more time to think and plan before you decide on anything more permanent such as your resignation.
One thing I know is that if you think about what you truly want, make realistic plans, and then follow your heart, you are more likely to be happy with your decision.
I wish you and your family the best as you make this decision. Please do e-mail if I can be of any help to you.
J. F.
