Fulltime Employed and Still a Good Mom?

You are faced with the dillema that every working mom I know has experienced. I'm a full time paralegal and even though my family depends on my income,I have debated staying at home since before my first son was born. So far,I have learned that your son will not love you any less for working. You will always be able to find time to fit in all the things that any stay at home mom does, even if you have to spend your days off doing so. It's been said that working moms spend just as much quality time with their children as stay at home moms. They just have to do it in other ways. If you continue to work, you'll find ways to make up for the lost time. I make sure that every morning I let my son know how excited I am to see him. Every night I run through the door and the first thing I do is run to him and pick him up and hug him and tell him that "mommy has waited all day to see you, I am so happy to see you". I make sure he knows that he is the most important thing to me and that, even though I was away at work, I was thinking about him all day and couldn't wait to see him. I couldn't be closer with my little boy and with another one on the way, I know that my family will only be happier being financially secure. It's not an easy choice but working doesn't have to mean that you miss out on your child's life.

I am a full-time working single Mom, and mine is the ONLY income. I don't have a choice as to whether or not I work and everyday that I have to be away from my son is awful.

But, we do what we have to do...right?

I think what I do is try to make the most of our evenings and weekends. I plan activities for me and him, that can be bonding experiences. Since, the budget is low and stuff just keeps getting more expensive, we do outings like a museum or zoo at least twice a month, but pack a lunch for us. We take walks down the street to the park, go for picnic lunches and of course grocery shopping!!

I think sometimes I stress so much about missing out, that I forget about appreciating the time I do have with my kiddo. It is tough when he acts out, and I feel like its my fault for not being there. But, I am doing the best I can with what is in front of me...and I am blessed.

I would suggest working in some planned family outings that give you some time together or even some Mommy/son outings that focus on just the two of you.

Trust me I know how it feels to feel like you're missing out on something, but don't waste the time you do have. Since, I don't know exactly what your workload or your hubby's business is I can only suggest things to try but, don't worry take time to get into a rythmn that works for your family and you can get through this...just do it together.

Work with your husband to create a budget that allows the two of you to spend more time together. I know easier said than done, but we have to make sacrifices for the good of our kiddos. I have moved in with my parents to save money and recover from debt, not ideal for my pride but awesome for my son and great for the future of my family...

It's hard work...just do what you have to do...

Best to you, and keep loving that little boy!!

I'm a committed full-time mom of 3, but I have to say a couple things. The biting and scratching - that is just regular toddler behavior so don't worry. It's not about your not being there enough. Us Moms are so hard on ourselves. You're busting your butt trying to make ends meet but you want to be there more with your son. You're a TERRIFIC mom - you're just living in today's economy. Your message means you ARE a committed mom, a working, commited mom. I would encourage you to talk to your company to find out if there are any chances for less hours on any day, ever, and take that time whenever you can. When you are home, try to spend as much quality time as you can with him. And be sure your daycare is in close touch with you so you can tell them how YOU expect these behavioral situations to be handled.
I feel for you, and I wish you luck.
Anne

Hi S.,

YES! You can work full time and be a good mom. Even at home moms have kids who challenge them (just read this column for a few months and you'll see).

I firmly believe that what children want and need are parents who are happy, responsible people who can provide lots of love and stability. Kids thrive on rules and routines (as much as they complain about it when they're teenagers). If you can provide that and work full time, then you're golden.

I have worked full-time (high school teacher) since my sons, now 10 and 14, were born. I have never regretted that decision. Because I have a chance to feed my soul with my students 10 months a year, I'm a better mom at home. Because I can be the best mom I can be by working, I'm a better teacher. To me, it's a very symbiotic relationship.

These past few years, both my husband and I had to work extra jobs because my eldest had a horrible ski accident (he's fine, the checkbook barely survived <wink>). That's been really hard but in the current bad economy, we're pleased to have some extra income. Yeah, it's hard on everyone, but our sons understand the sacrifices we all make to keep everything together. If nothing else, my sons have learned the value of hard work and perserverance.

In my 16 years in the classroom, I've seen great kids come from workaholic families to classic "Ward and June Cleaver" families to families torn apart by drugs. Some of these kids were fantastic; some really made you wonder about their future. No one "type" of family has a monopoly on good kids. I've had my children's teachers tell me that I worked too much and it was hurting my children and I've had my children's teachers tell my that I was a parental role model and should teach classes on how to be a better parent! Success is in the eye of the beholder.

I say it's quality time over quantity time. When you're with your son, BE with your son...no phone calls, no distractions. Give him all of you and give it consistently. Couple that with excellent day care and your son will have the very best care imaginable. Look at it this way...your son has you to love him all evening and a loving, caring provider all day. That's twice as many people to love him regularly than many children get.

I know this post has been very long. Good luck, S.. This is a tough one. Whatever you choose to do, make sure it's the right decision for you, not some societal notion of what's good. Happy moms make happy children.

Good luck!

S., first let me say you are a committed mom. Just by realizing that what you are doing may not be the right thing shows that you are committed to what is best for your son. Here are my thoughts, take them or leave them.

I was a school teacher for over 10 years. I retired 2 years ago because I spent so much time and energy on other people's children, I had nothing left for my own at the end of the day. But that is another story.

Here is my personal experience, take it or disregard it, I know it to be true for me. For ten years I could tell you within the first week of school, sometimes even the first couple of days, who were the kdis that had stay at home parents and those who were raised by an outsider. (truthfully i can still walk into any classroom today - any playground - any indoor play gym and tell you who is NOT raised by their own parents and be accurate about 90% of the time).

If you asked me what specifically it was, I would have to say, I am not sure. Maybe it was the energy they brought, maybe it was the attitude, I am not sure, but I was usually right. Now I was a regular classroom teacher and a special needs coordinator, you know for kids with "behavioural challenges", ADD, ADHD, ODD, etc. I will tell you, when I needed to talk to the parents of these kids, they were always at work, very busy, hard to get a hold of, unavailable... Hmmmm... coincidence? These kids had little to no patience, no clamness about them, and definately were louder than the others. Kids that were not left in someone else's care were more present, more into the moment, more at ease.

S., I left teaching, my secure position of a "guaranteed job and salary until I die" for my kids. I broke free of that "I have to work outside of the home" mentality so I could be a better mom for my kids. I jumped both feet into a home based business (www.TheYummyMommy.com). OMG what a difference in all of us!!! I had to work hard in the beginning, but now that I have built a team that pays me residual income vey month, I don't work as many hours. Heck I even get to spend winters traveling with my family!

S., here is what I know:
I know that children are only little ONCE.
I know that there are many things one can do to earn a solid income then work for someone else ~ who by the way tells us how much we are worth and what kind of hours we have to work(if you want to know more about what I did, just ask).
I know that kids feel pressure and stress WITHOUT saying, "gee mom i feel a bit stressed today" and they react accordingly.
I know that MY children are MY responsibility, it wasn't fair to ask someone else to raise them, to me or them.
I know that as a parent it was my only choice to do what was right for them.
I know that 3 years ago I made the most terrifying move I could have made, and today, my kids are better adjusted, I am DELIRIOUSLY happy, we have a more secure financial future than I could have ever got from a job AND the best is, i am here for my kids and my kids KNOW IT!

B. H. B.A.:B.Ed.
Family Nutrition Coach
www.RecessionMyths.com

S., I completely empathize with you. Unfortunately not all of us have the luxury of staying at home with our children. I too put my son in daycare at 3 months old to return to work full time. Being that I have my own business, I have to put in overtime sometimes as at the end of the day I am responsible for everything ultimately. My advice to you is this--relax, take a deep breath, and know that you are an excellent Mommy. The fact that you are so concerned about your son's well being indicates that. I was raised by full time working parents, and both my younger brother and I started day care at a very young age. I assure you now we are both successful, well-adjusted, happy adults. The time that my parents were home they dedicated to us 100%, and that's what I feel made the difference. So that's what my husband and I try to do now with our 13-month old son. We both have very busy schedules as we both have our own business and my husband travels a lot for his work, but as soon as we're home we dedicate our entire time to our son. You will hear a lot from folks who feel it's negative to have your child in daycare, but honestly, of all the children his age in my family (I have cousins who have kids his age, some stay at home with family, some stay home with a nanny), our son is the most social and independent. I truly feel that this has to do with him being exposed to a social environment at daycare early on. Of course, we spent a lot of time finding a school/daycare center we felt comfortable with early on, but most importantly, our son appears excited and happy to be there, he has a smile when we drop him off, and a smile when we pick him up. He seems to enjoy being around other children his age, and he is far more stimulated and has more of an enriching environment that my husband and I could probably even provide. I felt so guilty initially at putting him in daycare at such a young age, but as I've seen how he's benefitted from it, I've realized we made the right choice. Plus, we as a family have benefitted from it as allowing us to work full time has relieved a lot of financial and other pressures from us all. So try not to beat yourself up too much, and know that each "difficult" phase your son has is also a result of his development, and that that phase too will pass. Just dedicate the time that you are home with him completely. We all do what we have to do to raise our children, and you will do what is right for your family. Trust yourself, and know that you'll never be perfect, but your love and good intentions for your child will win out. Good luck.

Priorities must be set in life. What is more important to you? Being a committed mom, or being a committed professional? I had a "career woman" mom, and when I had my kids I made darn sure that they did not. Having children should be seen as a privilege, not a right. You are privileged enough to have this child... so be a mom. Be a committed mom. Give him what he needs and wants most - YOU!!!
We had to lower our standard of living substantially- and I do mean substantially - in order for me to stay at home. It wasn't easy, but it was WELL worth it. If you think a nice house, fancy toys, etc, are what kids want, you are dead wrong. I grew up in an upper middle class neighborhood. The kids were NOT happy or well-adjusted. They were not connected to their parents because their parents were always at work. There is nothing more important than having a truly close relationship with your child. You cannot buy that with money or with things. Trust me on that. My three oldest are now 26, 23, and 22. I have been through the hard years. The teen years are BRUTAL! It may seem far away now, but they will be here before you know what hit you, and then it will be too late. You have missed out on so much of your son's life already. You need to be there for him as much as possible. Downsize if you must. You will never be sorry.

I completely understand how you feel. I think it is very normal for a working mom (as I am too) to feel completely "conflicted" about whether or not we are doing the right thing by working.

I honestly don't know if it is ever possible to completely get rid of that feeling of conflict, but I can tell you that over the past 3 years I have been able to experience moments of peace around my decision.

I think the most important thing for us working moms to stay focused on is the reality that we really are practically super-human to do what we are doing...and actually that isn't such a bad thing for our children to see. I think we make great role models - if we have girls, they see strong, independent, capable women to model themselves after. If we have boys, they see a strong, independent, capable woman as the center of their universe...not a bad thing for them to want in a life-mate either.

So, I guess my message to you is, be kind to yourself and know that you are contributing in measurable ways to your family. Of course, I think most working moms would admit that they would like to be stay-at-home moms, especially during the early years...but I think that contributing to the families finances is important (and necessary) for many women.

I guarantee you that you are a good mother. You wouldn't be "conflicted" if you were a bad mom. And I also guarantee you that if you were a stay at home mom, you'd still have some behaviorial issues and dicipline issues to contend with...these things just bother us more because we blame ourselves, and our schedules for causing them.

You hang in there, and just try to do some snuggle time with your little guy every day, reading books is a great activity - we also like Play Doh a lot - Play Doh is great because you can talk about your day while you do it.

Hugs to you!

Dear S.,
I was home for 4-6 years with my first two and worked full time with my third. My feeling is that as moms, no matter what we do we never feel that we are doing enough. If your day care is wonderful and your son is loved while you are not with him, just be present as possible with him when you are together. It's all tough...mothering, working, balancing. Even full time at home moms face balance...someone needs to do the floors and laundry!!
Love yourself, love your boy. It will be fine.

Hello S.. I am one of those moms who has to work, but honestly, I love my job, so it helps to make me a happy and fulfilled person. I do believe that you can be a great parent and work - I love my daughter and we spend lots of time together on the weekends and in the evenings. She loves her school and playing with her friends and that environment, which makes me working an easy idea. I too had to start her in daycare at 3 months and I am very happy with my decisions. Yes, there are weeks that are more stressful and crazy, but we make it work and my daughter is very happy and well adjusted.
The "misbehaviors" you are decribing are rather typical ... things kids have to learn, so I think he would still be there regardless of you being at home with him or not.
I think in situations like ours, you have to look at the bright side .... your son gets to play with his friends everyday, he has extra people to love him, and because you are helping to ease the financial stress and burden in your family, you feel a sense of accomplishment, plus you get to come home to him every night. Finances are one of the key contributors to divorce, so any easing of the burden you can do, it may just be what your family needs now. For me, that is the case.
Work with the "trying" days - every kid has them and enjoy the evenings and weekends. Don't feel guilty about being a good parent - which for some of us means we work. Why are you working? Just to make things better for your son and husband. You are doing the best job you can - pat yourself on the back and then hug your husband and son!

Sounds familiar. This is the guilt that every mother innevitably gets to take on at one time or another in our lives. There will always be something to feel guilty about. If you are out working hard to bring home a paycheck, you feel guilty for not spending more time with him. If you were at home more, you'd feel guilty for not contributing to the bank account. The bottom line is, you do the best that you can do for your family, and that's exactly what you are doing now. You sound like a very caring mother. Working full time does not diminish that at all. Don't pull yourself in too many directions. It's hard enough being a mother in the world today. Just remember, when you spend time with him, even for a short time, just be completely there in the moment together.

I have been on both sides of this story, the grass is always greener on the other side, for sure. I used to stay at home with my daughter and we struggled to pay the bills. Now I work full time, her father works full time and goes to school. I always have those same feelings of guilt, but I just have to remember that we are doing the best we can. And so are you. =)

Hi S., I have been a pre school teacher, day care provider, nanny, and mother of 2. In the day care center, I felt sorry for the ones who were there for 8-10 hours a day. Even the best day care centers are chaotic and noisy and frustrating. I was a great nanny, I "loved them like my own" and always provided the best care I could. However, once I had my own, I realized there was no comparison. No one can give your child what you can give him. He needs you. I can't tell you how many times I had children ask me questions that were not my place to answer. Questions about religion or sex or values. I told them to ask their parents but I know they never did. The moment had passed and their parents missed out on an opportunity to teach them what they wanted them to learn about their own personal family beliefs and values. They missed countless "firsts" as I was the one there to witness first steps, first words, first crushes..., the list goes on and on. If there's any way you and your husband can manage it, it's so much better for your son to have his mommy home with him. My husband and I make sacrifices all the time because nothing is worth more than the well being of our children. They are young for such a short time. We only have one chance to do it right.

Good luck to you,
L.

Working 40 hours a week with a little one is not bad. I did it with my first two. However, working over time is not good and not being a very good Mom. Your husband needs to take on a part-time side job for the hours you would be spending doing overtime. It's not your child's fault and he should not have to be raised completely by a babysitter because your husband is trying to have his own business. Either he needs to get a side job or find a regular 40 hour a week job.

I needed to quit my job just to get pregnant. The hours and stress were killing my chances of even becoming a mother. Luckily we have been able to live with a single income -- we are living in a one-bedroom place, which would drive some people crazy -- but my daughter doesn't need or want her own bedroom as much as she needs and wants her mommy. It's a shame that we are not living in a country where motherhood is revered and valued, but such is the case. If you have to work, then I would start looking for one of those rare workplaces where you can have your child with you or one that has on-site daycare. Nobody loves your son the way that you do. As mothers, we do what we have to do for our children. Right now you have to work for him, but of course you are both missing out on some really precious time together. In the short-term, I would consider co-sleeping, so you at least have a night full of warm snuggles together. Wishing you and your family the best.

Wow, S., you already got a lot of advice. I did not see anyone ask you what type of a daycare that your son is in. It sounds like a big place and no one is really taking care of him. Try looking into an in-home day care. CHECK IT OUT CAREFULLY though. Get your references. I was lucky with my older kids and their at home daycare was my Godmother. She had been doing this for years and we were really lucky. She cared for them and set rules for them and they all were diciplined. No one was ever hit but they knew when they did something wrong. I did miss out in a few things. That is why my kids all go to bed at a late hour. I like to spend time with my kids at night and I have always kept them up to get that quality time with them. I hated the guilt and over compensated by going to Toys R Us during my lunch breaks. Between child care costs, clothes, lunches and my toys habit working outside of the home was actually costing me more. But that is my story and I am telling you this so that you don't make that mistake. You have to do what you can for your family.

I had to work when my daughter was little and I hated it but she did turn into a VERY social well adjusted person. Much more so then her friends who did not go to day care(they were spoiled and clingy and whiney). Just your concern means you give your son as much as you can when you are together. Remind him how much you want to be with him as much as possible, but you have to work now. Use car rides to connect with him. I know he is only 18 months old but as he gets older use this tool(start now). Every chance I got I used the car rides to explain values, what I expected of her, put things in perspective like how would you feel "if" instead of listening to the radio or just being quiet. We always used the rides to talk together and connect- you have their full attn there.
Good luck- I hated having to work but my daughter is 22 now and is amazing and she had many exciting experiences as she was growing up like acting and modeling and she was not afraid to do any of it or try new things. As long as you trust your day care provider-its not all bad.
You may want to cut down on the overtime hours if possible.

I too, have been on both sides. However, when I was able to be home I watched other kids to bring in income. My personal feeling is this: Your child knows who you are and loves you. If your time at home is spent with the family as the first priority, then that is great. I personally feel that it is more important to reduce your hours when your kids are pre-teens: too old for a babysitter and too young to be on their own. When they are little they want to P L A Y. They learn their social skills, sharing, etc. I also work at a school where a lot of the parents stay home and I can tell you that I see a lot of overindulged teenagers who don't know how to navigate through life because Mommy/Daddy have always done it for them. I have three kids (22, 19, 15) and my older two were no worse for the wear by my having to work full time. My oldest son's ADHD was not caused by me having to work outside the home. Both my older children graduated with honors and my youngest one is a scholar/athlete. Our evenings and weekends were/are spent volunteering with their sports, their schools, etc. We turned regular errands into "adventures" and just about lived at the park on weekends for their activities. Sure, the house work piled up, but it was clean enough for visitors. Our house was and still is the one that everyone comes to. My husband passed away a couple of years ago, so quiting work is not an option for me. I did however reduce my hours so that my youngest has the same attention that her father and I together were able to give to the older two. There was not one thing that they did that one of us was not there to watch. It is a team effort and your husband may need to get on board as your son gets older. Good luck to you and don't beat yourself up over this. Again, your son knows who you are and will always save his best smile just for you :)

It is possible to work and be a great mom. I didn't read all of the respones, but please do not take the one written by Melinda to heart. I have never understood how people who claim to be religious can be so judgemental and mean.

My husband and I both work full time as teachers. I would love to stay home with my 1 1/2 year old, but we can not afford it. When I do have my son, it is high quality time. We laugh and play nonstop. On the weekends we take our son everywhere with us and people are constantly commenting on what a happy friendly kid he is.

As far as the behaviors go, I think it is more the age. At about 18 mo, kids want to communicate more than their abilities allow them. It is frusterating for them and they can act out. It is not due to bad parenting.

I work part time - ish. I work 2 night each week and 2 mornings each week - but I own my own business. I WISH I had more time with my kids. They are only young once and it flies! All of my babies have gone to the office with me, since I BF them. I noticed that with my #2, he is more attached to dad, since dad is a stay at home dad. We only comes to me when he wants to eat or have a snack and he does to dad for everything else. I hate knowing that I trained him to do that. I would BF him and hand him back to his dad when I was working. Every decision has a price to pay. You just have to decide what's best for YOU and YOUR son. Good luck!

I think every situation has different circumstances. You can't beat yourself up about not staying home with him. Right now with the economy being the way it is, it is hard for people to get by on one income. What you can do to help yourself feel better about the situation is to sit down sometime, one on one, with your husband. Go over your budget and figure out if there is a way to cut back on expenses so that you could stay home with your son if it would work out financially. As far as your son's behavior goes, all you can do is correct it at home as it occurs. All children go through negative behavior of some kind. There is no guarantee that his behavior would improve any sooner if you were home with him. If you go over your finances with your husband and can figure out a way to make it work for you to stay home either part time or full time, THEN bring it up with your boss. Otherwise, don't mention anything to your boss about wanting to stay home with your children, etc., because your boss might feel as if you are not fully committed to your work. Whatever advice you receive here, use what works for you. Best of luck in this difficult situation.

dear S.
it's a lot about quality, not quantity and the time you will be needed most is when your little boy becomes the teenager subject to misadventures potentially lured into by other rebels. if you are home consistently, create good boundaries and rules, and have good morning, evening and weekend rituals and routines, your little guy will be fine.
missing out on first steps is always a sadness for those who must be away, but perhaps, investing in a video camera and having caretakers document "first steps" can reduce some of the sense of being left out. the fact that you can pursue your professional life and not lose your "self" in the process of also being a mom, can make for a better quality life as well. it is what your mother's generation fought for and also one your husband can be grateful for.
M.

Hi S.,

I have been a stay at home mom (working part time from home) since my children were born. It has been the best decision I could have made.

I look at my life in sections, and know I can go back to working full time after my children are grown. Sure there is some sacrifice in terms of career potential and financally......however, I know I will never regret spending this time with them.

No one on their death bed ever says "I wish I had spent more time at the office"

Best wishes in your decision!

i think that this age is so hard. i went back to work when my daughter was 10 months old and i felt like i was missing out too. she would cry for hours at day care at first and they said that she was happier when they didn't hold her or touch her. she really only wanted me not even dad at this time. i felt so guilty i almost got fired from my job. i am a teacher so i had the summer off and the next year when i went back to work a new school with longer hours it was totally different. from my experience it is that age that is just super hard. hang in there my daughter just turned three now and it is the next year and that phase of biting and testing is different now the phases seem to be shorter and not quite as hard. i think that you can work full time and still be a great mom. just make sure that when you are with your son you are really with him. you are totally in the moment having fun with him and leaving your job at your job and trust me as a teacher that is really hard because i always have papers to grade and lesson plans to plan but i wait til 8 when i put her to bed to do that stuff even though i am super tired then good luck

Hi there.

I work, have a three year old son and a new six week old baby. I'm on maternity leave right now and loving it, but financially, I'll have to go back to work when my leave is up. I hate that and would rather stay home, but I'm still a good mom. Make the most of the time you have with them. And, make good choices about where they are and who they are with when you're not with them. Just do your best and love them...

-M

S.,

You are a good mother, so never doubt that...

I also am a fulltime (plus OT) worker, my husband works FT too... Sebastian has been in daycares since he was 6 mos. He's in preschool now...

He's adjusted quite well with not being with mommy & daddy 24/7. Now he looks forward to going to school.

My best advice, is reassurance, everyday when dropped off at school or daycare besure to make it clear that you are returning for pickup. Also, if you are switching with hubby for pickup, be sure to clarify that with the child before leaving them or drop off. This reassures them that yes, mommy or daddy will come back to pick up.

Leave something, a toy, favorite blanket, pillow, etc. that they closely identify with at the daycare or have them take it with them from home to the car. If daycare doesn't allow toys or extra stuff, then talk with the child to tell them, ok, Teddy will hold your seat for you until you come back.

When I did the drop off and pick up from/to school (when we lived in San Gabriel), I'd let our son take his sippie cup with him to the car and he'd drink it on the way to school... and he'd leave teddy or any toy he had in his car seat... knowing that it'd be there when he returned... then I'd also take an apple or something he could eat on the drive home... even a bag of cereal just something to munch on... We'd also sing on the way home from school and we'd go over what he did at school that day... Of course most of the time, it was the same story until now-a-days where his vocabulary is more extended.

Also, during the evenings dedicate some attention to him, if you're cooking let the child help, Sebastian helps me with pulling vegetables out of the refrigerator, he helps mixing, and also spreading stuff on pans... just depends whats on the menu that night.

On weekends try to spend more time with the little one, infact, teach them how to help with laundry... Sebastian at 2 yrs old he started folding towels and pushing the clothes off of the dryer door into the dryer. He's such a little helper now.

I also try to dedicate, homework time with Sebastian, whether its writing his letters, singing the school songs, or even just playing cars for 30 minutes... believe me, it helps them with reassurance...

Also, Sebastian learned from an early age that mommy & daddy have to go to work, meanwhile he gets to go play and to school.

Well good luck and let me know if you need more advice...

p.s... at that age, its most important to give reassurance and also keep the routine going... even on your day off...

Good luck

C. B

Hi S.,
Personally, I do feel it's better if one person is home with the kids. Whether it's the husband or wife I don't think matters. However, I have several friends who work in order to get health benefts because their spouse is self employed and it's too expensive to buy health insurance on your own. So if you have to work to help out your family, I understand and god bless you. It's really hard out there. Just do the best you can and spend as much time with your boy-the time does go by fast. I'm sure you're a wonderful mother:) Good luck to you whatever you decide.
P.S. Both my parents worked full-time while I was growing up and I still loved them. They did the best they could. Hope this helps:)

Hi S.. We are two full time working parents with two kids (4 and 6). My kids are doing fine. We have quality time in the morning, the evenings and the weekends. My kids were with a nanny during the day till last year, and now my 4 year old has been in full time day care/pre school and my daughter is in school (now 1st grade) and goes to afer school care. They both love their days. It just takes quality time when you are with them. Lots of love, laughter and teaching (which includes discipline). My son was a horror at 2 and 3 and is finally calming down. We have followed all of Supernanny's rules and it has worked perfectly. We acknowledge their good behavior with lots of praise and then remind them of their poor behavior with naughty spot or losing a toy. You have to be consistent. They always say it is the quality of the time you spend with your children and not the quantity. Do not feel guilty. This is what the world is now, and the children will adjust. I actually was so attached to my mom (since she was a stay at home mom) that I even cried going to college. It was terrible. Now my kids are so much more independent and stronger than I was at their age. Good luck.

A few weeks ago this same question was asked. Well over 100 answeres were given as I recall. See if you can have a look at these.
They all seemed to say the same thing. Do your best and every family is different.
B. V

Before I had kids, I was ready to enter medical school to become a surgeon. Our first kid was a big surprise for us, and completely changed my professional track. I knew in my heart I could not go through med school with a young child (or children). So, I never went. I also have a masters degree and have never worked a paid day in that field for the same reason (it was related to my medical school plans). I have always worked jobs that enabled either myself or my husband to be at home with the kids at all times. This is what we have always felt in our hearts was best for our family. But it's been very hard, we work a crazy schedule, and make many sacrifices to live in So. Cal.

You asked what to do....my advice....PRAY and listen to your heart. Your kids are only kids for a short while, and you have a tremendous responsibility to do your best to raise them according to your beliefs and morals.
Be willing to compromise, be willing to stick out tough financial times, be willing to make a big move out-of-state if necessary to live where there is a lower cost of living.

I really feel for you and can relate. We are at a point now where we have stuck it out here in So. Cal for 11 years, since it's where we grew up and all our family (including our kids' two sets of grandparents live). But our family is growing and the cost of living is getting higher and higher. We live off what would be considered a very small income compared to many of our friends and neighbors, all for the sake of being able to raise our children, not send them to daycare, because that's what we feel we need to do. My small business has suffered because of the recession, and my husband's salary is pretty much capped out, so we are seriously considering moving to another state where his salary will go further each month. It would be a drastic move, but one we consider worthwhile if it means me being at home with our kids during the weekdays.
But this is what we think is best for US, only you know in your heart what is best for YOUR family.
I will share with you though, that part of my conviction in this regard is due to the fact that I had parents who were gone all the time because of their jobs. My brother and I were horribly lonely and empty growing up, we really needed our parents around. My mom was a flight attendent and would work long days, sometimes gone for 2 or more days in a row, and always gone at least 3-4 days per week, regardless. Even though we had GREAT babysitters, I missed her terribly, and remember that ache in my stomach when she wasn't there when I got home from school each day, and when she wasn't there to make dinner or put us to bed. My parents did what they felt they needed to do to make the money they felt they needed to make, but I would have much rather lived in an apartment than a nice house, if it meant having my parents around...

When I had my 1st son (now have 3), I went back to work part-time when he was 4 months old. I was told I could only go back 1 month part time. I eventually was able to get a 30 hour position, but it was stressful, I wanted to be home with my son. I ended up quitting when my son was 3 (he's now 11) and have worked per diem or not at all during the past 8 years. I know that constant struggle between working and being a mom. We have made lots of sacrifices for me staying home (my husband is a teacher), but it has been so worth it. I know it's not always possible to quit. One thing that my husband and I would do when I was working, was when we picked up our son, we would spend time together at the park to help wind down from the long day and reconnect with our son. It doesn't need to be long (just a half hour). It really helped. Instead of rushing home to have dinner, bath and bedtime, this gave us some down time to have some fun. If it's too cold/dark for outside activity, you could maybe find an indoor mall with a play area, library, or come home but spend time with your son 1st, and not rush into the evening chores. One more thing, you MUST find some time for yourself. Even if it's going to the gym at 9 pm or going to Starbucks after your son has gone to bed and read a book. You have to take care of yourself so you can take care of everything else in your life. It sounds exhausting, one more thing to add in, but it helps refresh you and gives you more energy to take care of what you need to do.I wish you lots of luck. You are doing a great job, just by recognizing that you want to have a balance.

Your son needs YOU, not a day care provider, but YOU. You are everything to him & he deserves a mommy. I gave up working as soon as I had children. It was somthing that didn't take a second thought on my and my husbands part. We sacraficed many things for me to be able to raise our children, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I see advice below stating that all mothers need the break from their kids and working outside the home provides that. I completely disagree! Children are a precious gift from God to be loved, and nurtured by their mothers. Their isn't another person on this planet that can give him what you can. I understand that moms will naturally make excuses and rationalize that a day care provider can give them what they need, but all of us know instinctually that this isn't so. My mother was there for me when I was growing up and I can't imagine not having had her there or replaced with a nanny, etc.

It has become so easy for momthers to pawn their children off on someone else to raise. They don't have any idea on what they are missing out on.

I don't know your financial situation, but if there is any way for you to work it out, I suggest from the bottom of my heart that you be your childs mommy first before anything else. Follow that God given instict!

My best to you and your family.

Be easy on yourself. Mothering comes with a lot of pressure to always do the right thing. Remember that you are always doing your best. As far as mis-behavior goes with a toddler it's gonna happen whether you spend a lot of time with him or not. It's just part of growing up. He's testing his boundaries and learning so much along the way. I suggest setting a timer for at least ten minutes and giving him your undivided attention once every day. Let him lead your mini playdate. Best wishes!

I can tell you as a mom who worked full time for the first two years of my son's life, it's no easy task doing what we do. I loved working and I loved my son. I had to work, we needed healthcare and an income. My husband was in school and my income was how we lived.

Anyhow, just remember it is quality of time not quantity. You can be a crappy stay at home mom because you are always worrying about money and bills. Or you can be a crappy working mom, you can be a fabulous stay at home mom or a fabulous working mom. The choice is yours ultimately.

I stayed close to my son by following his interests. We talk trains, books, whatever he is into. It keeps us close. I always make sure to read with him lots, it's our quiet time together. As long as I spend at least 30 min a day totally focused on just him, we have no issues. My son is 5 now, healthy, happy, and well adjusted.

Like what many moms say here on this post, there's always guilt with parenting and there's no easy answer. I would suggest that you really listen to your instincts. If you continue to have this gnawing feeling about your situation and feel that something needs to be done, you shouldn't have any regret make those changes. What happened to you with your last job is in the past, you can only look to the future and what is in front of you. Don't let the past dictate your decisions.

In regards to keeping him developmentally healthy while you work, try to maintain as much of a consistent routine as possible for your child. In example, every morning...wake-up have a nice breakfast, have a conversation with him, then get him ready for school, after school when you get home..spend some time playing, talking about the day.., then a nice bedtime routine etc.). I know that rushing in the morning to work is a big issue. But if you really want to make the best of your full-time job, sacrifice that extra time to get up early and have everything prepared, so that you can not RUSH things in the morning to get him out the door. It can actually stress your child out.

I'm a full-time SAHM. But my daughter goes to preschool 2 days a week. My husband is the one that takes her on the way to work. When he's running late, he tries not to show his stress in front of her and make her morning as pleasant as possible. It's NOT EASY...when you gotta be out the door NOW. But be creative, think of ways to make his morning, afternoon, and evening pleasant with you when you are spending time with him.

best of luck.

Yep! Statistics have shown that children who are loved and nurtured by many are more secure and able to love more fully than those who are bound to one person all the time. I worked part-time when my kids were small and the days I worked they had a loving babysitter. That was many years ago and we still see her on occasion and my kids still regard her very warmly. I had to go back to work full-time when I divorced and my kids have been really self-sufficient and confident - most times anyway! :)

S.,

you've gotten lots of input here! Whether you work or stay home full-time is a very personal choice; only YOU (and your husband)know what's best for your family.

One thing I really want you to know is that biting, hitting and throwing food are all NORMAL behaviors for a child your son's age. Infuriating, yes, :-) but normal!

I stay home full-time with my son (now age 3) and went through a very tough 18 month to 30 month year. Biting, hitting, throwing stuff off the table, etc, etc,. Believe it or not, my kid is sweet, loving, gentle and not in the least be aggressive. This is a developmental stage and it will pass. That doesn't mean the behavior is ignored, or not addressed, but he will grow out of it with a loving, consistent response from you and his other care-givers. ( I like the Positive Discipline series of books for ideas on how to address his behavior)

I wish you all the best with your decisions. It is difficult to balance all the things we're responisble for as moms (stay-at-home or working). Make a list of the positives and negatives for staying home and working, and discuss it with your husband and you'll come to an answer that's right for your family.

Best of luck!
C.

S.,

I felt like I needed to respond after seeing all the vicious mom's out there. I am a full time mom and a full time employee. My son is thriving with a great daycare provider and the bottom line is no stay at home mom is spending 24/7 oohing and aahing over her baby (she's got to cook, clean run errands, etc). Don't let them guilt you into feeling bad because you do something you like and need to do to support your family.

Studies show that it is all about the quality of time you spend with your child, not the quantity. When you are with him you are likely doing a better job than most SAHMs because you focus on your son rather than all the other to do's.

Don't worry about his behavior - he's a toddler! That's what they do - it all works out in the end. I'm sure that even the SAHMs kids have problems like biting, scratching, throwing food, etc.

Enjoy your son and enjoy your life - it is possible to do both.

I am a full-time mom and I hold a full-time job. My husband is a fire fighter, which means that he works very crazy hours. He's gone for 24 hours at a time and some times more depending on fire season. But you know what? I make it work. Both of my kids (4 & 9) started at a home daycare at around 4-5 months. I was bless to have a wonderful home daycare for both of my kids. My kids are very well rounded, sociable, happy and loving kids and I believe that is because the time that we spend together is very precious. Is it hard coming home from work after working an 8 hour day and then start with homework, dinner and baths? Yes, but for some reason it all just works out. Working for me is an outlet that I believe every mother should have. My kids have never complained about me working. Working does not make you a bad mom or a less-than-committed mom. You can have both worlds and your son will be fine.

This is the choice you must make, it's between you and your child. Personally, I have an 11 month old, he's my 5th baby. I have stayed home with all my babies during the first year or two (sometimes longer if I could). That is the most important development time in a young child's age - a helpless infant needs his mom no matter how much we try to reason that away. My husband and I have made many sacrifices, we went down one bedroom, one car, I don't get to shop for myself very often, we have just the basics (food, shelter, clothes, tv, telephone...). This time will never be given back to you - it's the most important time of your life as a wife and mother. There are many reasons so many moms chose to work, pressure from themselves to "earn a paycheck", pressure from their husbands to "help with the bills", pressure from society to "be a functioning human being" as if motherhood isn't a viable career choice. It's the hardest, most rewarding career choice you could ever make! God gave that baby to YOU to care for, why give that over to a stranger? Streamline your life, cut back on things that make sense to do without (I'm sure you have many, most of us do), and spend as much time with your child as you can - they do grow up and go away and you'll never get this time in his life back no matter how much you'll wish it, and you will regret losing this time with him later on, I guarantee it.

Hi S.,
I was a single mom with my first and had to work and put my son in daycare when he was 2 1/2 months old. I know how you feel, but don't stress yourself out. I always tried to have my son sit at the table (When he got a little older ) while I was making dinner and we would color, sing, ect. On the weekends, give him as much mommy / daddy time as possible. The park is an inexpensive place and you could pack a lunch for the 3 of you. I met my husband when my son was 3 and when he was 6 , I was able to stay home. My husband and I had a child when my first son was 6 and I feel blessed to have been a stay at home mom since then. Though my oldest was 6 when I was finally able to stay home, he enjoyed his home daycare and he is a well rounded , happy 9 year old now. He too went through a phase at his day care ( ABC preschool) I ended up switching his class and teacher and he was fine. Just a suggestion, but you could always make pre-made meals for a couple nights, then when you get home or all your husband would have to do is heat up the oven and put the dinner in ! Little short cuts mean more quality time with your son and husband ! Please remember that you are still a good mommy and your son loves you no matter if you are a SAHM or a working mom !

S.,

You have so much company on this issue! Given the cost of living in Hawaii, we need both incomes to pay all the bills. There are times of the year that I work close to 80-hour weeks. When my first child was one, I made the tough decision to go back to school to get my degree. That meant in addition to work, going to classes, studying, working on school projects. The school decision was to help ensure that my time away from them for my career would be worth the things I was going to miss. There's a few things that help me be at peace with this decision. Besides the necessity of helping pay the bills, it also helps us to have luxuries - toys to play with, books to read, vacations nad mini-staycations to have time to really play and enjoy our children. I also do believe that I am a better mom being home with them a limited time, rather than being an exhausted mom 24/7. I love, adore, treasure my children and want to be with them all the time, but I also know they learn by being around other children (socialization) and other adults. I also was proud when my child said "Oh, even big people go to school", because I want them to know that learning is a life long journey. I want them to know that it's ok for women to work, just as much as it's ok for them to know that it's ok for women to stay at home. For this period of my life, I'm a role model that women can help pay the bills, so that they know in the future, they need to prepare for the possibility that they may need to be self sufficient. The biggest reason that I am at peace with this decision is that even though I work full time, my children will almost always choose to be with me, if given a choice. Even more than daddy, the babysitter, grandma, grandpa, and others, so I don't feel the decision has hurt our relationship. I focus on making sure our time together is as good as it can be, so it's quality time. Millions of women have worked full-time and been awesome mothers at the same time. Everyone's situation is different, and both decisions have pros and cons. Neither decision is right or wrong, but one decision might fit your life better at this time than the other. I wish you luck with your decision, but know that the decision you make will be the right one! Good luck and blessings!

Is there a grandma or someother person who could be around your son, and be "mom" for a good percentage of his day? Stability and security is so important, and also all the teaching of what is right and wrong etc needs consistency. With so many coming and going, your son may conclude what is right or wrong varies with his caretaker, and so learns there is no real right or wrong. Also he can't trust anyone, as they keep coming and going. These early years set the stage.

S.,
Your doubt is already telling you what's in your heart.
I always though I'd go back to work after I had my first child, only to realize that I simply could not.
Yes, the finances have not been the best since then, but really - who cares?
Everyone is different though, this was my choice - and perhaps if it had been absolutely impossible - yes I probably would have worked.
But you know how they say "Anything is possible - if you put your heart into it" ?
I don't know what kind of work you do, nor your husband, and now there are tough times for a lot of people with the current economy - But -perhaps you could find a job that relates to your current one that would give you more time at home? Unless you are a neurosurgeon.....
I feel for you, it is not easy to missout on your childs milestones, but don't beat yourself up over it- Look forward to the ones that you do get to experience!
Best of luck!

i have been a full time mom and a full time student each in turn. they both have their ups and downs. when i was in school i hated being away from my kids, when i was a stay at home mom (i currently am now) i was so overwhelmed with housework and odd jobs around the house and tired from running around with the kids. now my oldest is in first grade, but i have my preschooler at home full time and my baby.

i think everyone needs a good medium of the two worlds. i know we do. i want to go back to school but only part time so i can finish school and my kids can be in a social environment for a few hours a week. and that way we arent away from each other for long. and my hubby is working with uci and getting his phd there so we dont have a very large income, but if i go back to school i will qualify for financial aid, which will help us a lot and is the only reason i can even go back to college.

we all need a healthy combination of everything in our lives and we are the only ones who can figure out what our own personal needs are. listen to your mom instincts and figure it out, if you think working overtime is too much then cut down on the overtime and give up a few luxuries, because spending time with your little one seems to be a luxury right now, only its not one you can afford to give up if you think about the long term effects. it really is better for the relationship between you and your child if you try to spend more time with him. but do what you can when you can, use every free moment you have to spend with your child and your husband. build that family connection. take a day out of every week to have a family night. it has helped us sooooo much to do this. we have a song and a lesson (about life or from the scriptures) and then we have an activity or just play a board game or something fun that is age appropriate.

there's always a way that works for everyone!
praying really helped me figure out what i needed to do, but if you aren't very religious then im sure meditation should do the trick for you. clear your mind and listen to what your soul is telling you.